Going Dutch is strangely irritating me.

[BoundaryGirl3939]

I've gone on a few coffee dates with a guy. He is a friend and he was the one who initiated the coffee dates. He is a very nice person but is very, very careful with his cash (almost lives on fresh air). He is in his mid 40s and has just bought a house so I get that he has to watch the pennys but he was always like this.
He bought the coffees first time around, I bought them 2nd time around, he bought them 3rd time around, I bought them 4th etc etc. I feel like it's getting a bit boring as it seems very transactional and measured. I don't believe that men should have to foot the bill all the time but a little gesture here and there would be nice.

I feel a little frustrated but I'm not sure why. Any opinion on this? Maybe I'm not really into him, or I need to get over myself as the days when men paid more are gone.

Sorry you had to pay for a bad shag.

Why would you be sorry? Were you one of them?

I would get why you'd find the dates boring if they're repetitive or you're not into him, but to say you find it boring because you've taken equal turns buying coffee is weird. Would it really be more exciting if he paid?

Except men and women are NOT equal ARE they? Never will be!

Do you think Mr 'four coffee dates' (who makes his date pay for herself) will be pulling his weight around the house 50-50, and sharing the childcare 50-50 if the OP is daft enough to marry his sorry ass?

LOL, yeah right! Men like him only want equality when it comes to sharing bills, and making sure the woman pays for everything she has.

With HIS type, equality never extends to 'sharing' the wifework and domestic shit and childcare though. And HIS career will never take a single hit when he becomes a father.

You're utterly deluded if you believe that men and women are equal.

Get a clue mate!

.

So you've know this older, handsome man for ten years, and he's still single?

I wonder why...

Yep, some men in a nutshell. Always the crap in bed ones too, as I said earlier.

Have either of you suggested going out for a meal? Drinks? I'd give it one last go and see how it goes for an evening date. If it still feels like this, just suggest that you'll just be friends.

Agree

Sorry for you, obviously.

And also sorry that you need it spelt out to you and for failing at being disingenuous.

It’s nothing to do with ‘biological programming’ for goodness sake! If anything it’s social conditioning because typically men earn more.

Going Dutch is the morally right thing to do but a man who is tight, or let’s face it, anybody who you socialise with who is tight-fisted is just a person whose character is lacking. Generous people are generous hearted. Tight people are mean spirited and to be avoided.

Well, I never went "Dutch" with a man in my life.
But I'm "old fashioned" and also on a completely different boat, so to speak, so they can all go fuck themselves.
Good night.

Ouch!! lol..
Careful, you might get what you wish for.

It’s very common. Don’t worry about it.

Maybe the OP is also tight and mean spirited, after all - all she did was get a couple of coffees 🤷🏻

or does this just apply to men somehow ?

Oh I agree that humans are biologically programmed like that, but I don't think the 1950's cuts the mustard does it? That's not when the programming started was it?

How does 300,050 years BC suit you?

<or 'BCE' for those so inclined>

I must have missed the memo

Apart from the coffee payment, how are the dates going? Have you got lots to talk about and do you feel massively physically attracted to each other?

Men and women are equal. It's just that most women pick terrible life partners because they judge a man's character on inane things like whether he pays for dates or not - rather than how he maintains his home, the hobbies he has, attitude towards women in the workplace, how he was raised etc etc. And then they raise the next generation with exactly the same values as them and so it carries on. Men, on the other hand, are much cannier at picking women who make life easy for them.

There are countries and cultures where men are far more involved in the home and child care, and they are also much more equitable societies without traditional gender roles. And many others where men are chauvnistic and useless in the house - but known for providing for their women, grand gestures and always paying on dates and that's enough.

Women need to do more introspection of why they end up with men who make lives difficult and miserable, just like they would be accountable for ending up in job that did the same. Can't blame such men when it's the women choosing them as life partners.

Always earned more than XH and most of the people I've ever dated. Should I pay? By the way I normally do treat friends or nieces/nephews/my kids who have less money than me. But can't I just share the bill with a date? And if I jet then pay what assumptions go with that?

Low effort man. Don't waste your time - definitely friendzone him and keep him there.

@BoundaryGirl3939 Splitting the bill is a really strange thing to get worked up about.

Though you will be relieved to hear that if you're looking for a misogynist who always pays for your coffee and who wastes his money on stupid shit like cars, then there's no shortage of those pricks on dating apps.

And yes, perhaps he is not into me if it's all so low effort

So, you equate a man paying for everything with ‘high effort’? Taking turns paying equals ‘low effort’ on a man’s part. Are you from the 50’s? I hate the thought of men having to pay for everything simply because they are men, it puts women back so much and embarrasses us (well, it should do).

This isn’t going Dutch however sharing the cost of stuff is fine in my opinion. Maybe you’re just not that into him.

This. Why don't you offer to pay, next time when it's his turn ?

It sounds low effort for a guy, who’d liked you for a decade.