Going Dutch is strangely irritating me.

[BoundaryGirl3939]

I've gone on a few coffee dates with a guy. He is a friend and he was the one who initiated the coffee dates. He is a very nice person but is very, very careful with his cash (almost lives on fresh air). He is in his mid 40s and has just bought a house so I get that he has to watch the pennys but he was always like this.
He bought the coffees first time around, I bought them 2nd time around, he bought them 3rd time around, I bought them 4th etc etc. I feel like it's getting a bit boring as it seems very transactional and measured. I don't believe that men should have to foot the bill all the time but a little gesture here and there would be nice.

I feel a little frustrated but I'm not sure why. Any opinion on this? Maybe I'm not really into him, or I need to get over myself as the days when men paid more are gone.

That would give me the ick too, imagine being in a long term relationship and dividing everything with a calculator at the end of every month 😒

Buying coffee in turns like that is just weird, I don't even do this with friends. I'll pay one time, next time they pay or we go halves. We also don't count who got what either, it all evens out in the end and if it doesn't we're not bothered anyway. I don't even do this with acquaintances! Who is so cheap they can't shout a few coffees, especially on a date. Super ick!!

Well this is all bullshit.

It's not. For most of human life we were hunter gatherers and the latter provided much our food whether done individually or by mainly women ( being more deft of hand). Hunting was not a viable source of food in Africa before tools were invented. Hence we almost became extinct apparently.

What a load of rubbish, men and women are only programmed that by society. I out earn my boyfriend by a lot but equally he loves his job as I do mine. I have never expected him to pay for me, he has offered and done so though for example dinner out or he’ll buy drinks if we go to the pub but it’s not expected and I’m happy to pay too. I feel 100% comfortable with this and feel we do not take the piss out of each financially.

Personally, I think the bigger picture is this bloke isn’t really in to you and these coffee dates are just part of his weekly routine. If he was in to you he would have asked you to dinner or something would have happened by now. If he’s that skint then a bottle of wine and dinner at his house would be a step up from your current situation. If you’re waiting for a knight in armour I don’t think it’s going to happen.

“I don't mind us being friends and in that case, taking turns is fine.”

Are you going to speak to him about this? He might not want to keep going on friend dates. He might want to try and find someone and wasting his time with you will put a delay on that

Honestly if the dates are shit, there’s no reason for you to stay or keep going on them. It’s a massive time wasting exercise.
I wouldn’t have dated a guy like that. He sounds tight and boring. Bin.

Lol, now i have to say that is funny 🤣

Do something different on the dates?
As for paying your share, surely that's quite normal nowadays?
If you just don't feel you're clicking romantically then that's fine too.

I never really understand the whole I find it attractive if a man spends on me. It is really a little icky, seldom do I see oh and I like to reciprocate. Personally I think taking it in turns is good, or splitting it. I certainly am not with my husband so he can spend on me. I’m a grown ass woman.

Hopefully our sons run a mile from women like this, who screw them over at some point in the future.
I stand for 100% equality and not entitlement from either side.

Why is it transactional? It would only be transactional if he paid each time and wanted something in return.

OP is giving you the ick?

This was the impression I got reading the OP. You didn't sound into him.

This seems to be the most relevant post, not the same old argument over whether men should pay for what.

These aren't dates, or at least he doesn't think they're dates. He asked OP out and she turned him down. They haven't had any physical contact. So to him these are just "quick coffee with a friend" meetings with no romantic potential, so no reason to either take them up a level by proposing something more exciting or to pay for the OP.

Even if they were dates I'd think the OP would be unreasonable for objecting to taking turns to pay but given that they're not dates, except in her head, I have no idea why she feels irritated at all.

Also this is bullshit. Men acting traditional is a red flag and hugely unattractive to me.

I'm not sure whether all the people trotting out the "biologically programmed" nonsense realise how offensive they are to women who don't feel any impetus to nurture. As if we're not real women.

"Stingy" and "tight" are adjectives I rarely see applied to women...

Call me old fashioned but I think the guy STILL should pay for the first date and then a few gestures here and there more than you ... definitely! It may not be fair but I still think quite a few men like to do that ... chivalry. Sorry to be unwoke but it would put me right off and most definitely give me the ick.

At what point does it cross over from "you being treated by a chivalrous man" and into "you being a product to be bought"?

I think it's because men are biologically programmed to provide, whereas women are programmed to nurture

Oh.

There's something really depressing about posters yelling that men and women aren't equal and tryng to wrap that up in some pseudo girl power framing. As if you're so convinced you're not equal to a man that you accept crumbs from the table (being dependent on a man) instead of real freedom and independence.

Speak for yourself. I'm equal to any man and always will be. In my adult life I've never been dependent on a man and never will be. I don't need to be protected and I don't need to be provided for, so in choosing a partner I've been able to focus on more important things - how he treats me and values me as an individual, rather than some trophy he spends money on.

A man spending money on you is not reflective of how much he cares for or respects or values you. Never has been and never will be.

@HeySummerWhereAreYou *Except men and women are NOT equal ARE they? Never will be!

Do you think Mr 'four coffee dates' (who makes his date pay for herself) will be pulling his weight around the house 50-50, and sharing the childcare 50-50 if the OP is daft enough to marry his sorry ass?

LOL, yeah right! Men like him only want equality when it comes to sharing bills, and making sure the woman pays for everything she has.

With HIS type, equality never extends to 'sharing' the wifework and domestic shit and childcare though. And HIS career will never take a single hit when he becomes a father.

You're utterly deluded if you believe that men and women are equal.

Get a clue mate!*

Maybe it’s everyone else who has a clue and you are delusional?

My DH did well OVER 50/50 care of our kids, did more housework than I did AND took a career hit for over a decade. He still worked full time but he worked around me who worked massive hours, so he was working full time and doing more childcare and keeping household ticking over than I was. He also trailed around after me whenever I needed to move for my career- again, sacrificing his own at that point. Never realised he should have paid for everything prior when we were dating as well, gosh, how silly am I? Maybe so silly as I’m a woman without a clue who doesn’t understand that men and women will never be equal🤷‍♀️.

Well, the good thing about dating is that for independent women who have experienced living alone and running their own houses is that we get to choose who we want to be with and we don't have to put up with the same shite you do.

Furthermore we are allowed to have an input in to dates. There are no hard fast and set rules about dating other than I have never turned up to a date without cash or my debit card and I would always offer to buy some one who brought me a drink a drink back. I think its pretty un-attractive to turn up to a date anticipating that your not paying.

That theory is just as poor as the biologically programmed nonsense.

Honestly quid pro quo. I buy you buy. Dating these days is a transaction especially with relationships being so transient, lacking in commitment and longevity.

Go for someone your own age and you won't get the ick so easily. He's not done anything wrong.

Yes I would feel like going dutch like this just seems very platonic, like how you would with friends. I would definitely expect to be treated a bit more instead of him trying to ensure yous both pay equally , that would grate on me after a while and I definitely get stingy vibes from him which is a total turn off