Tinder date did not go well 🫣

[BeRoseScroller]

After almost 3 weeks of texting non stop talking daily etc etc I finally met up with my tinder date. We met up and went back to his and in his words he freaked out. Said this happened with a girl he met last year and he just left. He’s been texting me since and keeps saying it’s not me it’s him he gets paranoid about things etc. I know he’s had some stuff go on the past couple of years and he’s an overthinker but he couldn’t get me out of there quick enough. He was like nice to meet you anyway even though Im really random. Then starts texting me at 1am in the morning saying he’s feeling naughty. Confused is an understatement. Maybe I should just stop communication with him 🤷‍♀️

But you know that wasn’t about you - he’s paranoid about STIs, he’s done this to other women, he’s clearly got anxiety issues. You sound like you’ve been much more nice and patient than he deserves really so if he can’t have sex with you then he can’t do it with anymore. None of his issues are your fault and him not being able to carry on is not because of you or anything you’ve done (in fact it could easily be because you’re more attractive than him)

Why do you feel awful?!?! So, he gets performance anxiety...? Yeah it's a bit shit for him but it's not what you want so just move on! You're dating! You're meant to fancy the pants off each other and want to rip his clothes off when you see him - not feel sorry for the bloke!

Without wanting to sound unsympathetic, do you really want to be with someone who can't get it up?! I get that this can happen to men at any point in their lives but if you've been with someone for years then at least you have the basis of a good relationship / marriage so it's worth the effort of dealing with it together. But after one date?!

And now he adds an extra layer of slut shaming to the mix. Tell him it's over and block.

If he's 'been going on about stuff in the bedroom since day one' he's a weird sex obsessed creep.

And as op said, it's not ok for random men to ask about your sexual history. That's something abusers do.

Stop giving chances to potentially dangerous people.

This is harsh but are you that desperate for a shag?

@Noseybookworm me too but OP uses it all the time too.

Again, clearly so was the op. She went to his house to have sex with him. She wasn’t coerced from what I can see.

Do not go for coffee, do not chill and get to know him, he is not the type of man that you want to know. He is not a “nice” guy, they don’t ask about your sexual history or ask you to leave in the middle of foreplay/sex and expect you to want to see them again.

The next guy will be normal, not riddled with problems, not covered in red flags, not needing an extraordinary amount of patience on the first few dates. It’s ok to not want to date people with bad mental health

@Fupoffyagrasshole I had a female friend like this in her 40s. she was a single mum and in all honesty I don't think she wanted a relationship , but she very much enjoyed the variety and online banter to keep her busy in an evening. Personally I reckon she would have been more suited to being a mumsnetter!!

It wasn’t just about that for me. He started calling me baby and all sorts of thing stay over I’ll cook for you, I guess he was attractive and I thought he wanted more than just sex.

Must admit I'm alarmed that someone would go to a persons house they had never met before in person in this day and age- or at least told a friend where they were. OP as you have discovered , some real oddballs out there- please keep safe

Do you think he might have been lovebombing you?

There’s obviously a lot going on with this man. It’s not just a case of erectile dysfunction or nerves. He is actively texting you intrusive and paranoid thoughts to do with your sexual history and STDs. This is not the way to walk into a romantic relationship.

Where you went wrong was allowing all the texting to go on without meeting the man. You end up communicating with a version
of a mate that doesn’t exist. It’s a fantasy. Chalk this up to experience and keep dating. A couple of texts back and forth, check them out online and see if it all adds up. Then a drink in a public place.

Block him. He's messing with your head. Confusion is always the first sign of toxicity.

'Issues' indeed! He's a potential abuser. They look for people who are willing to put up with poor behavour and excuse it as 'mental health problems' - it shows huge boundary gaps.

If he does have issues, he needs to stay away from women until he has sorted them. The most caring thing you can do for him is to block him, thus leaving him free to do this.

On tinder?

Thisssss

You're in your forties. You don't have time for that sort of bullshit.

On WhatsApp 🙁 I just feel used now and wish I hadn’t got involved

He started calling me baby

Oh god and there's me thinking it couldn't get any worse than him wanting to be "naughty" 😭

Seriously @BeRoseScroller how have you not got the biggest ICK ever from this bloke?

Honestly - in my experience of online dating, those men who bombard you with texts before you meet, are walking red flags!!!

I met my partner online and he rarely text me before we actually met, it was so much healthier - no expectations, no investment, no lovebombing, just a nice, normal guy and we had a blast on our first date

Too much hassle, move on?

I know this hit hard @BeRoseScroller but it’s bang on.

first things first, red flag for the 3 weeks texting - it creates a false sense of intimacy with a complete stranger, it starts the whole bollocks of sunken cost fallacy too. Oh I’ve been talking to him for weeks, I should give him the benefit of the doubt.

no, he blew it.

hell no to the word naughty too. He’s showing you here that he’s full of shit.

so you’ve met him, he’s a fucking fruit loop and will not change.

his issues are not yours to fix. What he is or isn’t is not your concern, it’s not your problem to resolve.

fade him out if you’re feeling generous, otherwise tell him that you don’t see a future and you’ll end things there. Walk away

oh yes and never go back to anyone’s house/invite them to yours if you don’t know him.

words are easy, they can tell you whatever they want you to believe, whatever they think you need to hear.

the signs were there BEFORE you decided to go back to his. He couldn’t handle the coffee ffs, that’s when you call it a night

keep the faith,onwards and upwards….. next! 😀

I was thinking perhaps he forgot her name… 🤦🏽‍♀️

Yeah unfortunately it’s clearly not ended nor has he been blocked 😌

This. Its like a bucket of ice water.

I'd just reply that you're dating, not a phone sex worker. Then block and move on.

I don’t think these are the same man. A man who wants commitment probably isn’t talking about “being naughty” 🤮 before he’s even met you.

Do some filtering before you meet people, don’t just randomly expect sex with a man you’ve never met and also for the love of god, don’t let them know your address. This one may just be a common or garden headfuck but there will be others who are properly deranged and having them know where you live and going back to their place before you’ve even established who they are is risky.