Tinder date did not go well 🫣

[BeRoseScroller]

After almost 3 weeks of texting non stop talking daily etc etc I finally met up with my tinder date. We met up and went back to his and in his words he freaked out. Said this happened with a girl he met last year and he just left. He’s been texting me since and keeps saying it’s not me it’s him he gets paranoid about things etc. I know he’s had some stuff go on the past couple of years and he’s an overthinker but he couldn’t get me out of there quick enough. He was like nice to meet you anyway even though Im really random. Then starts texting me at 1am in the morning saying he’s feeling naughty. Confused is an understatement. Maybe I should just stop communication with him 🤷‍♀️

Its the fact that I’ve gone for someone emotionally unavailable again ☹️ I always seem to attract guys that need fixing and as much as he has said it’s not him it’s me I immediately think that it is me.

Try turning that question around. Instead of ‘why is it only emotionally unavailable guys that go for me?’ Ask yourself ‘why am I seeking out emotionally unavailable guys?’

Of all the apps available you’re looking on Tinder. You’re texting him back and forwards and the conversation has red flags all over it. The eventual date doesn’t go well so you ask for another one. You’re here I think looking either for tips on how you can get him to respond to you or for someone to tell you what’s wrong with you.

These are all your choices, not his.

It’s a serious question, why are you chasing emotionally unavailable guys if that’s not what you want?

It’s not that op. I’m sorry, you’re still acting like you were in a relationship. It’s you built a fantasy about a stranger up into something in your head when you’d not met him, based on some things he said prior to meeting you.

its both of you. You were noth agreeing to have sex with a total stranger. Both grown adults who should have known when you meet in th4 flesh either or both of you could have felt differently.

I know ☹️

And this is the problem. Shouldn’t have thought like that ☹️ He was pushing me before we met asking for videos and stuff then he backed off asking me, then when I didn’t send clear ones he kept going on saying he was getting frustrated. I give up 🤦‍♀️

Why do you keep saying you give up? Why are you bending over backwards to try and please men you haven’t even met? When a man is really interested in you, you won’t have to try. He will be chasing you for dates and hang outs.

Why is it your responsibility to solve this weird man’s (presumably sexual) frustration? You aren’t in any kind of relationship. You sound very naive and vulnerable OP. You should have been repulsed by a man you don’t know wanting your videos. And when he backed off why did you still send some? He can find plenty of stuff online if he wants to get off.

Please adopt this rule: don’t send personal photos or videos to ANY man ever. They won’t like you more for it. If they are your boyfriend they get the real thing and have no need for them.

Also, chatting to someone online, even for a few weeks, does not mean you know them.

You don’t seem to have good boundaries with OLD and if you carry on I think you’ll put yourself in dangerous situations.

Another rule you could adopt, even if you are just looking for FWB, is the first couple of meet ups should be for coffee. If they won’t meet for a coffee then they are wasting your time.

Another rule is only chat to someone online for a week maximum before arranging a coffee. If they won’t, they are not available and are wasting your time.

Please use this experience as a learning one. I hope you have completely deleted this weird man from your contacts.

Aim higher OP. Maybe avoid OLD for a while. Go out with friends and family and have fun. Take up new hobbies and interests. You will likely meet more people in real life that way.

You are completely right. Went about this all the wrong way didn’t I 🫣🫣

Oh god op don’t be sending strangers explicit pictures and videos. Just don’t. Honestly it’s all a bit desperate. If you want a relationship go on dates. If he doesn’t wish to date you then he’s not interested in a relationship. He even spelled it out, he was inviting a stranger to his house for sex. You don’t need to do this to get a man, it will have the opposite effect to what you want.

I feel like none of the great advice you're getting is sinking in, OP.

If you carry on with these kinds of behaviours, you will end up in a serious relationship soon. Some guy will notice you, and pay attention to you, because you are extremely naive and vulnerable. And this guy will see you not as a lovely woman in need of protection and care, but as an easy target. Someone he can get to do whatever he wants. Degrading sexual acts. Money. Violence. He'll take one look at you and immediately get your number and know he can treat you how he likes and then when he gets bored of you (which he will, because getting everything you want is boring) he'll discard you. He'll maybe keep your number so he can come back when he needs money or an ego boost. And you'll take this of proof that he loves you really, deep down. And this will go on until, one way or another, you'll break.

Please, for the sake of your own sanity, forget about dating for now. Invest your time, money, and energy in raising your self esteem, figuring out your boundaries, and working out what's good in life. In time, you'll be able to date and meet someone lovely, and you'll look back on your current decisions and feelings with incomprehension and hopefully compassion for the vulnerable person you so clearly are.

Hello!!

I’ve only read your replies and not the whole thread. But just wanted to pop in and say…don’t beat yourself up about this!

Dating in your 40s is hard! You’ve made some mistakes on this date but that’s ok, sounds like you’re learning from it. (Def don’t send vids to someone you’re not in a relationship with!)

Maybe you use this experience to make some dating rules for yourself. No giving your number to someone you haven’t met face to face. (Stay on app till then.) Definitely no sexting strangers. (Unless that is something you are looking for, in which case, crack on!) No visiting their house for at least 3 dates. Or whatever set of rules works for you. It will help rule out the relationships that just won’t work for you.

You’re not stupid or immature or rubbish at relationships or any of the other things you’ve said. You’re just learning to navigate a new period in your life and there will be bumps on the road. That’s ok. You take note, learn and keep going.

Hope your next tinder date is better. (Tinder in general is a bin fire. Maybe try Bumble?)

Old fashioned advice but it's as true as it's ever been: don't put out on a first date. Also, don't do sex talk with men you've never met online. Not unless all you actually want is one-off hook-ups, because that's all you'll get. It's what nearly all the men on OLD are actually looking for, so if that's not what you want, you have to play by your rules and not theirs, and that means not giving them instant gratification. Obviously don't send explicit pics or videos EVER. Those things never disappear, they're always online somewhere, and it's just idiotic to send them to someone you don't know or trust.

OLD is a total binfire anyway so if you're going to do it, go into it with your eyes wide open.

@BeRoseScroller

Well, has he replied to your ill advised text?

Good for you! Ignore all the other negative Nellie's. You know how you feel and nobody else does. Yes leave the ball in his court but don't chase him and don't contact him again until he does you. And for goodness sake do not be tempted to go back to his again until you've seen him at least another couple of times. Good luck!

Honestly please stop wasting headspace on this bloke.

Block and move on, you’re absolutely wasting your time and energy

Good luck whatever you decide to do, OP. I think this thread and the replies are overly dramatic. You’re two consenting adults that were up for sex and it didn’t work out because one of you got cold feet. Of course watch out for your safety, but I don’t think you’re being naive or he is vile.

You're not listening at all OP, you have taken one casual encounter and attached an importance to it that just isn't there. All this navel gazing and angst, it's completely out of proportion.

Worryingly, despite all the excellent advice and support you've been given on this thread, I imagine should he ever respond to your message, no matter how far down the line, you will jump to reply?! I can't believe you sent explicit videos and photos to someone you'd never even met. This shows horrifically poor judgement and is actually unsafe.

Do you not have much else going on in your life to have reacted the way you have to this "situation" (it's NOT a relationship)?? Friends, work, hobbies??

You sound incredibly naive and insecure, and I don't think OLD is a safe space for you right now.

I get it. I got too emotionally attached to someone I didn’t even know. Just got to learn my lesson on this one.

Deleted his number off and no more texting him now. Thanks for all the advice ladies xx

That Old Chestnut 😅😅 he’s watched too many First Dates episodes!

Nice one berose, decide what you want and make good choices that help you get to where you want to be and who you want to share it with. As I said the other day, doesn’t matter if it’s sex dungeons or holding hands in the moonlight. What ever floats your boat, go for that.

This. Exactly what I thought. Silly at best, very dangerous at worst.

Thanks. He hasn’t even been bothering to read my messages anymore so that says it all. That’s the thing. I want a long term relationship but also with passion too. Just got to let this one go

Have you blocked him so he can't come crawling back and try hook you in again?

I doubt he’s going to do that to be honest. He’s not even reading her messages.

Op. Passion is the norm in a relationship. At least for the first few years. You don’t need to keep calling it out. It is the norm that people have sex. And you certainly shouldn’t be agreeing to immediate sex with strangers in the hope it leads to a passionate relationship. As it won’t. If you’d come in here and told us what you were planning we’d all have told you it was going to be a disaster.

for whatever reason the man’s not interested. Try to put it behind you.