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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Tinder date did not go well 🫣

502 replies

BeRoseScroller · 06/09/2024 08:26

After almost 3 weeks of texting non stop talking daily etc etc I finally met up with my tinder date. We met up and went back to his and in his words he freaked out. Said this happened with a girl he met last year and he just left. He’s been texting me since and keeps saying it’s not me it’s him he gets paranoid about things etc. I know he’s had some stuff go on the past couple of years and he’s an overthinker but he couldn’t get me out of there quick enough. He was like nice to meet you anyway even though Im really random. Then starts texting me at 1am in the morning saying he’s feeling naughty. Confused is an understatement. Maybe I should just stop communication with him 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Strugglingtothinkofausername · 06/09/2024 15:34

If he’s so concerned about sti’s the solution is to either not have sex or use protection, NOT to question you about your previous sexual history before you’d even met in person! Who does he think he is?!

I completely agree with that @TipsyJoker he has an absolute nerve. Sounds manipulative.

And why would both of them not use protection anyway? I really can’t understand people risking their health and lives in this way. And possibly dragging an innocent into it if they fall pregnant accidentally.

Absolutely mind boggling how reckless some adults are in this day and age. I had a friend who contracted HIV in her late teens from a FWB. She only found out after she accidentally fell pregnant and was getting blood tests done. It wasn’t the first HIV scare in our social circle either , but my other friends were luckier. Be safe out there people.

Balaclava1000 · 06/09/2024 15:34

Cantbelieveit888 · 06/09/2024 13:46

Oh my gosh reminds me of this

Link

Brilliant

renoleno · 06/09/2024 15:49

Hey OP, sorry this happened to you. Not a nice feeling to be used like this. You've had enough advice on here on him - so I wanted to talk about how to avoid this in the future. The first thing is not giving texts from a stranger the same importance and meaning you give texts from a friend or a bf. Never forget this person is a complete stranger and should earn your trust by proving his character, not talking about it.

Only a man you know and are dating should have the right to discuss sex with you - not a stranger. If you find this happening, block them immediately because this means they don't respect you or women in general. There's plenty of men (and women) who want one night stands or casual - but decent men will make the effort to meet you in person, test the chemistry before jumping into bed and be honest about their intentions. A man who's willing to talk dirty or have sex with a person he's never met is the type of man who would likely pay for a prostitute or cam girl too - he doesn't see women as people but just a hole. That's why attraction or chemistry isn't required, and strangers will do.

Just ask yourself, why would you spend precious life getting to know so much detail about a guy you've never met? You went back home with a complete stranger who could have raped you, beaten you, robbed you, abused you in horrible ways. You also shared details of your life and he could have been a scammer. Texting is an easy way, sure to feel a connection, but you can't shortcut to a relationship - you need to put the effort into meeting these men, activating your instincts when you see them in person and how they behave/talk/interact with the world, and then going on a few dates to really know them. Sex on a first day only works if you can accept it might be just a shag and are ok with it - never sleep with a man expecting it will lead somewhere.

Hope this helps you for future encounters on Tinder!

Ilovelifeverymuch · 06/09/2024 16:10

BeRoseScroller · 06/09/2024 11:03

He text me saying he got tested a few months ago asked me if he could ask a personal question then asked if I’d slept with many guys as he’s paranoid about sti’s 🤷‍♀️🙄🫣

And yet you're still interested in him?

If he is concerned about STIs the right thing to do is tell you he has recently tested and ask if you would be willing to do the same so you're both safe not ask how many sexual partners you've had.

And you really don't need to spend 2 pages responding to your question, the first response asking you to bin him is the only answer you need.

BeRoseScroller · 06/09/2024 16:14

Ilovelifeverymuch · 06/09/2024 16:10

And yet you're still interested in him?

If he is concerned about STIs the right thing to do is tell you he has recently tested and ask if you would be willing to do the same so you're both safe not ask how many sexual partners you've had.

And you really don't need to spend 2 pages responding to your question, the first response asking you to bin him is the only answer you need.

I get what you are saying. He did say FYI I’ve been tested a few months ago etc etc. I just don’t have the mental energy with him anymore .

OP posts:
EPankhurst · 06/09/2024 16:40

BeRoseScroller · 06/09/2024 15:27

That’s not true, I’ve had a lot going on in my life lately and I guess this has just upset me thats all 🙁

It's okay that it's taken you by surprise. It's also okay if you decide not to take our advice (but you should, it's very wise). But you haven't taken our main piece of advice so far, which is to stop putting anything else into this waste of time, block him and move on. It's not your job to save him. It's not your job to coax a relationship out of a man who is unsuitable. It's not your job to give a guy you've only just met second or third or fourth chances. It's DEFINITELY not your job to ignore all the red flags he has shown you so far.

I say this with kindness as another 40 something single woman, you need to wise up a bit. A lot. Find Burnt Haystack Dating Method on Instagram and Facebook. He is an IMMEDIATE "block to burn" under their model, and he has shown you several reasons to do this at various stages long before today.

BeRoseScroller · 06/09/2024 17:09

EPankhurst · 06/09/2024 16:40

It's okay that it's taken you by surprise. It's also okay if you decide not to take our advice (but you should, it's very wise). But you haven't taken our main piece of advice so far, which is to stop putting anything else into this waste of time, block him and move on. It's not your job to save him. It's not your job to coax a relationship out of a man who is unsuitable. It's not your job to give a guy you've only just met second or third or fourth chances. It's DEFINITELY not your job to ignore all the red flags he has shown you so far.

I say this with kindness as another 40 something single woman, you need to wise up a bit. A lot. Find Burnt Haystack Dating Method on Instagram and Facebook. He is an IMMEDIATE "block to burn" under their model, and he has shown you several reasons to do this at various stages long before today.

Thanks for the advice. I guess I emotionally invested myself in somebody that doesn’t want to be emotionally invested. 🙁

OP posts:
MurdoMunro · 06/09/2024 17:21

I don’t think Tinder is a place for emotional investment. Nor WhatsApp. Texting is not a relationship. I really think you could do with some help on what these spaces are, who uses them and for what and to get yourself a bit more realistic about the world you are entering.

Fourfurrymonsters · 06/09/2024 17:32

BeRoseScroller · 06/09/2024 17:09

Thanks for the advice. I guess I emotionally invested myself in somebody that doesn’t want to be emotionally invested. 🙁

It was Tinder and it wasn’t even 3 weeks you’d been talking to this guy. You’re talking about “emotional investment” and he was talking bedroom antics from day 1 of this less-than-3 weeks. One disastrous date, you chasing him and him not responding except to call you back for “you know what” later and you’ve written pages on this guy, you’re giving him way too much headspace. Maybe you need to take some time out to work out why your bar is set so low and your hopes so high on a hook up site. You definitely don’t sound ready to be dating just yet, certainly not within a setting like Tinder, I’m sorry to say.

Rumshotsandrainshowers · 06/09/2024 18:12

BeRoseScroller · 06/09/2024 17:09

Thanks for the advice. I guess I emotionally invested myself in somebody that doesn’t want to be emotionally invested. 🙁

Op, that’s a little disturbing, you can’t emotionally invest in a complete stranger, someone you’ve never even met. Surely you know this? That’s not healthy, and honestly neither is meeting strangers on line then agreeing to go to their houses and immediately have sex with them. None of it is good, none of it is safe. None of it is healthy.
if you want a relationship then go on dates. Get to know them.

dates are not I will come to your house and shag you. . It’s let’s go for a drink, dinner, whatever.

it’s fine if you just wish sex with strangers, but you should let someone know where you are and who you are with. A hotel is better and safer to an extent. And accept it is just sex with strangers, if you want a relationship there is no shortcut. You’re not in a relationship if you’re texting them for a few weeks. They are still a stranger you’ve never met.

Peachy2005 · 06/09/2024 18:14

Fourfurrymonsters · 06/09/2024 17:32

It was Tinder and it wasn’t even 3 weeks you’d been talking to this guy. You’re talking about “emotional investment” and he was talking bedroom antics from day 1 of this less-than-3 weeks. One disastrous date, you chasing him and him not responding except to call you back for “you know what” later and you’ve written pages on this guy, you’re giving him way too much headspace. Maybe you need to take some time out to work out why your bar is set so low and your hopes so high on a hook up site. You definitely don’t sound ready to be dating just yet, certainly not within a setting like Tinder, I’m sorry to say.

This ⬆️⬆️

You’ve had some great advice, please use some of it xx

aCatCalledFawkes · 06/09/2024 18:30

BeRoseScroller · 06/09/2024 17:09

Thanks for the advice. I guess I emotionally invested myself in somebody that doesn’t want to be emotionally invested. 🙁

I have had dates where I have done this and been so excited for the date only to come away feeling disheartened as it just didn't live up to the promising messaging that felt a lot deeper than it actually was.

My take from this now is that whatsapp and the first date are like an interview and screening process in my head to see if I actually properly like someone.

Ablondiebutagoody · 06/09/2024 19:02

Guys who want to text non-stop are my biggest red flag.

PinotPony · 06/09/2024 20:54

You didn't emotionally invest in him. You don't really know him.

What you emotionally invested in was the idea of what you thought he might be, what you wanted him to be. A nice guy who wanted a relationship with you.

Next time, get to know a chap face to face over a period of time before you convince yourself that he's Prince Charming,

BeRoseScroller · 06/09/2024 21:53

PinotPony · 06/09/2024 20:54

You didn't emotionally invest in him. You don't really know him.

What you emotionally invested in was the idea of what you thought he might be, what you wanted him to be. A nice guy who wanted a relationship with you.

Next time, get to know a chap face to face over a period of time before you convince yourself that he's Prince Charming,

Agreed. It didn’t help though that he was stay over on this night I’ll cook for you we can chill out etc calling me baby etc. Guess I thought something was going to happen when it wasn’t.

OP posts:
WhataboutAnu · 06/09/2024 22:24

If a stranger called me baby I’d run a mile.

BeRoseScroller · 06/09/2024 22:29

WmFnKdSg1234 · 06/09/2024 11:05

@BeRoseScroller

You owe this guy nothing - you've met one time. He's a stranger. You don't know him and have no obligation to him.

Why are you still texting him, fretting and being concerned about him?

It sounds like you don't want to let him go, that you want to keep trying with him. Why is that?

This is something Im trying to work out myself ☹️

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2024 23:29

I'm sorry, op, but you are in absolutely no position to be looking for a romantic partner. Your judgement is just so, so poor. You are at extreme risk of ending up with yet another abuser/shit man. You have got to figure out why your boundaries are so low and why you don't demand better for yourself.

Opentooffers · 06/09/2024 23:45

How does a person calling you babe not make you cringe? I saw someone briefly who called me sweetheart, was probably just easier than remembering my name ( he was a fair bit older). Then I realised he called any random female stranger he crossed paths with sweetheart, so nothing special about it. He may well use babe in the same way.
I fear for you on tinder, or any OLD, you are ignoring all the red flags and will end up with a string of ONS this way. You should of stopped talking to him after day 1 if a relationship is what you are after. Men who want relationships don't sext people they've never yet met - heck, they don't sext even after much..

JFDIYOLO · 07/09/2024 00:15

Sort your life out, OP. You say you have a lot going on at the moment - sort that. Get your head together first.

Build your sense of self worth and self confidence.

Get a social life going.

Meet some nice men through a shared interest, get to know them as friends.

A text based 'relationship' isn't real.

Any emotional investment you felt was the same as being thirteen and 'in love' with some boyband kid. Not real.

BeRoseScroller · 07/09/2024 08:20

JFDIYOLO · 07/09/2024 00:15

Sort your life out, OP. You say you have a lot going on at the moment - sort that. Get your head together first.

Build your sense of self worth and self confidence.

Get a social life going.

Meet some nice men through a shared interest, get to know them as friends.

A text based 'relationship' isn't real.

Any emotional investment you felt was the same as being thirteen and 'in love' with some boyband kid. Not real.

Thanks. Im coming off dating apps now this has really put me off and just made me feel stupid really ☹️ As for him there’s really no point in me contacting him again, he has his own issues and I need to concentrate on me.

OP posts:
Rumshotsandrainshowers · 07/09/2024 09:10

BeRoseScroller · 06/09/2024 21:53

Agreed. It didn’t help though that he was stay over on this night I’ll cook for you we can chill out etc calling me baby etc. Guess I thought something was going to happen when it wasn’t.

But that’s not a relationship op. It doesn’t mean he’s not a stranger.it doesn’t mean when you meet you won’t fancy each other, like each other.

are you very lonely? Desperate for a relationship? If so honestly agreeing to go to a strangers house for sex isn’t going to get you that relationship. Them offering to feed you after, calling you baby or even letting you stay doesn’t mean it’s anything other than a one night stand,

MurdoMunro · 07/09/2024 09:34

Berose - I agree with most of what you have written in your last post. One important thing to take out of it though - don’t use the word ‘stupid’ to describe yourself. Don’t give this man (or any man) that power over you. You could say things like “I made a mistake’ or ‘I wish I’d been a bit more savvy” ‘what a wanker, won’t fall for that again’ or things like that but please don’t label yourself with words like stupid.

If you don’t feel strong right now borrow some from the women on this thread. We’re all sending it to you freely - take it up!

JFDIYOLO · 07/09/2024 11:26

Going with a complete stranger back to his flat could have got you killed.

I would imagine there is trauma and sadness in your life? Perhaps someone telling you negative things about yourself?

This doesn't have to be your life.

I really think some work on self respect and self worth would be your best move, because you're worth so much more than lowering yourself like that.

Can you access therapy?

BeRoseScroller · 07/09/2024 12:45

MurdoMunro · 07/09/2024 09:34

Berose - I agree with most of what you have written in your last post. One important thing to take out of it though - don’t use the word ‘stupid’ to describe yourself. Don’t give this man (or any man) that power over you. You could say things like “I made a mistake’ or ‘I wish I’d been a bit more savvy” ‘what a wanker, won’t fall for that again’ or things like that but please don’t label yourself with words like stupid.

If you don’t feel strong right now borrow some from the women on this thread. We’re all sending it to you freely - take it up!

Thanks for that. I just didn’t make the right choice and ended up getting my fingers burnt. Im not saying he was a bad person but as he said himself it wasn’t me it was him he freaked out this has happened lots of times.

OP posts:
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