Am I acting in retaliation?

[thislittleworldofmine]

My h and I have a one side open relationship. We have spent the last 18months where he has explored very slowly into other sexual options. He currently has sex regularly but doesn't have a girlfriend. Our own relationship is now sexless as part way through the journey I discovered I didn't want to be sexually active with someone who was sexually active with others. This hurt him a great deal and he felt I did it in retaliation. We got through that and I have again come up against something he feels is retaliation. I asked tonight if he would consider me having the same freedom as he has been afforded. I reassured him I was not looking, I had no male attention offered to me and that I didn't intend to act on the freedom in any way, shape or form but that I would like it to be a possibility in the future. He has basically spun out and said that he took 18 months of careful consideration of my feelings and he expected the same from me and if I didn't want it why was I asking and therefore it must be either something I want or a form of retaliation. Am I being blind to my own behaviour?

Well, retaliation would be if you described in graphic detail how you felt when he did do what he wanted to do. You could describe the physical pain or the sense of violation. How it felt not to be able to trust your life-partner and father of your children in the most intimate relationship between you.

For your sake I’m glad he hasn’t raped you, but honestly this is no way to live.

What’s a CF?

Stop OP. Stop convincing yourself that you are to blame. He sounds like a bully and a pervert. No wonder your libido nose dived. I can understand waiting until your daughter is 16 before you leave. Just remember you don't have to ask permission for anything. You are clearly no longer in a romantic relationship. Therefore you are a free agent. You clearly want to feel at some point in the future you could have another more respectful and loving relationship. Why not. Don't ask him just work out when's right for you. And start the process of separation so when your daughter's ready you're free to go. Good luck OP.

@thislittleworldofmine relationships are not meant to be this hard. It's not working for you so leave him and co-parent from separate homes.

I think a big part of the problem is hearing how you talk about yourself/him. It's like you think you're in some kind of servitude to him. It's really quite concerning, especially as you have a daughter and this is what you're modelling.

You throw in that he uses sex workers like it's no big deal.

But you realise this means he's potentially raping underage, trafficked, coerced girls?

And yes, I know there are people who think women choose sex work as a way of life and earn mega bucks for it and that may be true of a teeny tiny percentage, but they're the exception, not the rule.

Most sex workers are turning tricks because they have no other choice and he's paying (probably a meagre amount) to convince himself he's bought their consent.

Oh come on OP, stop being so bloody submissive. You’re staying with a man who is fucking other women because he couldn’t manipulate you into performing like a porn star whilst doing things you didn’t enjoy, all to save HIS retirement plan? Where is your self esteem? Why are you prioritising someone who manipulates you? You think you were wrong to suggest you might want to sleep with someone else in the future, because it hurt him? Bullshit, he wants his cake and to eat it, he should have realised this would work both ways when he first mentioned it, but he’s manipulated you into feeling like the bad guy, when he’s the one breaking his marriage vows. Seriously, where’s your anger?

Oh great he also is happy to potentially rape trafficked women, what a guy.

I think a big part of the problem is hearing how you talk about yourself/him. It's like you think you're in some kind of servitude to him.

I am trying really hard just to own my part in things. Can you give me some examples of servitude as I can't see that this is what I am doing?

He was feeling very pleased that he had talked you into all of this, while keeping things the way they are at home. Now you are “rebelling”, and he really doesn’t like it. He wants to screw around, but also get to keep his home and finances intact. Has anyone told this dickwad yet that that’s not how it works? You commented earlier that he just doesn’t know why you have to think about messing up the finances etc, of course he thinks that, no way does he want to split stuff, and he has plenty to lose. You aren’t just going to leave with you £40k a year, you are entitled to marital assists, he had to work out a way to leave you while retaining those assets. As doing so benefits you also because of your daughter who is your primary focus, while his is his penis, I can see your hesitation in leaving him- however I think if you speak to a solicitor about the likely result, you will find that you are able to manage quite well on your own. He will have to do childcare, and he will have to pay maintenance for his child, as well as splitting any marital assets. I think you should go and get that advice, as it may actually give you the confidence to leave this flaccid excuse for a mid life crisis.

Imagine the peace you can have without him, and you don’t need his permission to dream of a better future for yourself and your daughter. I’m sure your daughter has picked up on plenty that is going on. It isn’t a great example to her, I’m sure you would be devestated if she ended up in a relationship with those terms.

He will have to do childcare

This is the big thing about leaving is he will want to have shared care and my daughter will not cope with having to be with him without support.

How old is your daughter? What are her reasons for this?

While I stay she can coexist with him but he does none of her cares as she won't let him. To be fair she won't let anyone else do her cares so it is not just him. If I leave the house she will not leave her room and will wait until I get back to do so. She will not spend any time with him without what she calls a 'filter' i.e. myself or her brother. This is only a thing since she got sick. Before that they sort of mostly got on.

And how old is she? Old enough to have her own voice?

How old is your daughter? What are her reasons for this?

She had just turned 15. She says he doesn't listen to her and doesn't understand her. She has autism, situational communication disorder and has been very, very unwell. She needs support with eating, cleaning etc. She attends health school 2 sessions a week for an hour each with my support. We are not in the UK and support is a bit limited.

At 16 she can say she doesn't want shared care but not before then.

Why tho as he’s pissing all over yours?

He’s angry bc he thought he has the perfect set up of fucking other ppl as well as you, under the guise of you agreeing bc you weren’t giving him the amount of sex he needed. You’re friends co-parenting, yet he still expected sex with you and was ‘hurt’ you now don’t want that. Now he’s hurt bc you are CONTEMPLATING a little of what he’s been enjoying the last YEAR AND A HALF????!

And now he’s punishing you by the bloody show 180 - the fucking nerve!!!!

How on earth are you putting up with this and still putting his wants and feelings above your own after all his shitty behaviour towards you?

Do you feel guilt and view this as what you owe him - you owe him nothing, certainly not this bizarre set up! Ask him why he doesn’t want it to be equal - why his needs outweigh yours?

So your plan is to stay one more year, and then once she turns 16, leave? Or will he tell you how much that hurts him, so you’ll stay because you for some reason, believe it’s your job to sacrifice your happiness for his?

I hope you find the strength to leave, your daughter deserves better than this, and needs to know a woman’s role in the world is not to revolve around a nasty, selfish, manipulative man who prioritises his penis over his children.

Why do you have to be mindful of his feelings relating to whether you ever have sex with someone again, or have a romantic connection again, when you are just friends and he is desperately seeking sex and romantic connections outside your pretend marriage, and has been very clear that’s what he wants and needs? You are not in a committed relationship, you went off sex because you aren’t sexually compatible, you’ve tried everthing but he just doesn’t do it for you, and has slowly worn you down to believe his sex needs must be met elsewhere. He has zero emotional intelligence. Why would it be inconceivable to him that he doesn’t fulfil your needs as much as he’s banging on about how you don’t fulfil his? On what planet does a man who has already turned you off with his behaviours, imagine you’ll become more turned on when he’s shagging other women?

if you’re worried about hurting his feelings you need to make it crystal clear that while you love him as a friend, you are as sexually and emotionally unfulfilled as he is, because you are sexually and emotionally incompatible, and while you feel nowhere near ready yet to move on with someone else, you also don’t want a polygamous marriage, are not feeling in any way connected to him anymore romantically or sexually, you love him like a brother and coparent, and your romantic and sexual preferences don’t align with his. The relationship as you once knew it is over, and you no more need his permission to move on, because he has a new life now, that he is happy with, and one day you would like the same. That you can both feel fulfilled in the ways you desire, just not with each other.

Also have a word with him about working on his relationship with his daughter as he’s been so obsessed with other women, even his 15 year old daughter has understood his lack of emotional intelligence and ability to understand the emotional needs of other people. He needs to prioritise being a better father, because you must feel strung out and unable to even contemplate a life separate to your duties at home. He on the other hand has a live in coparenting carer for his child, a cleaner and a cook so he doesn’t have to do the single parent/ single man thing, but he has the freedom to do the single man thing when it comes to his penis. He’s got it made, he knows it. Being able to hold anything over your head to guilt trip you is how he keeps your brain working overtime to continue pleasing him. He’s clever

He seems to have manipulated you into believing that you are now a sexless being because you don’t want sex with him, so if you moved on with anyone else, you’d be doing him a great wrong, cheating essentially, giving another man what is his. This is wrong on so many levels and shows his lack of emotional intelligence relating to why you don’t want to have sex with HIM anynore, and how he has killed the connection between the two of you with his words and actions and his current seeking out of emotional and sexual connections elsewhere. The guilt trip should end today. Honestly I’ve been gaslighted plenty in my life but no way would I be made to feel guilty for considering moving on from someone who is shagging and emotionally connecting with other peoples. He’s a total fantasist, you are a good and loyal woman, and you will be greatly loved and respected by a good and loyal Man. How he can bring all this to your door and then have the audacity to guilt trip you, is beyond me, for me him fucking other people- all bets would be off. My loyalty would be ended.

Just end it now. Divorce takes time and dd will turn 16 before it’s all settled anyway. The pension you are protecting is half yours as is half of all the other assets. You could create a new life with your children that is a calm safe oasis and in time all be stronger and happier. Show your daughter how to grow. Open up the world for her.

I want you to one day meet a kind and loving man who will heal your heart, so much. You’re a ride or die girl, so am I, just be that for a man who is worth it!!!

OP I'm reading your thread and sending support to you.

I agree with PPs views that your H has tried to push you into a sex life you didn't want, got pissed off at your (totally understandable) resistance and gone outside the marriage for sex, with prostituted women. He persuaded you that this was worth a try. Part of this deal was that you stay inside the marriage.

For a wife this would often be a divorce situation, but he's convinced you otherwise, because he wants all his money. He doesn't want to share it with you or the DC. He is, he thinks, totally entitled to cheat on you, limit your life choices and then keep you trapped so that he doesn't lose ££.

I am so hoping that you begin to see what everyone is meaning. You owe him no apology. You need to get away from him.

What I came on to say was my sons were aged 12 and 13 when they began to refuse to see their father 15 months ago.

He's furious with me.

He sent the Police, they came round spoke with me and checked on the boys, found no reason that the situation should change.

He has threatened some mysterious court action. Nothing has materialised.
It makes him crazed that he has to pay maintenance when he doesn't see them. He sees our children as his possessions.

I know that no court would be inclined to ignore the wishes of these smart SEN (and psychologically damaged) young people and their loving sensible mum, I choose not to worry about it.

Your DD is 15. It's over for him, he can "insist" on nothing. He can't dictate anything any more. You and your DC can be free.

The not listening and not understanding seems to be a pattern with him, op. Your daughter can feel it, she sounds very emotionally in tune with herself, whilst you still seem to be hanging on to this version of a relationship by your fingernails. You don’t need any permission from him or any of us here to live a life you want to live.

Would you think of a bit of therapy, just you on your own, to unpick this and find a way forward. To be honest, he is abusing your need to ‘do the right thing’. Whilst he does what he likes.