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Original poster

My husband let his friends wife sit on his lap

154 replies

TealCrab · 03/09/2024 21:45

A bit of back story, hubby and I have been together for over 15 years and have always had a trusting and happy relationship/marriage.

My husband has been friends with - let's call him Ben, for 15 years and I have met his partner let's call her Maria a couple of times, I would describe her as 'someone who likes the male gaze', and always noticed she would speak to the guys in the friendship group and not the girls - not for me but I have always been friendly and polite.

At the weekend Ben and Maria got married, and everyone had a great time. The morning after my husband told me after I went to bed, Maria came to sit with him and some friends, and sat on his lap, he said she could have his seat and he would move, but she said 'no it's fine', so she sat on his lap for about an hour while they all talked.

I just don't know what to do with this information. I feel disrespected by my husband and her and his friends. And am disgusted in all honesty.

I have never faced anything like this in our relationship. Should I just get over it and put it down to a drunken bad decision on my hubby's behalf?

I would appreciate any advice/thoughts 🙏

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 04/09/2024 19:38

No. Cool wife is a term for idiots.

butterbeansauce · 04/09/2024 19:45

2chocolateoranges · 04/09/2024 19:34

I said a perch in my post. I have a lot of respect for my dh too and he wouldn’t think twice if I was perched on a friends knee be it male or female, I wouldn’t perch on fil or my male bosses knee because I don’t know them well enough to do so,

im far from cool but if this makes me a cool wife then I’ll take it!

Show quote history

If it's just a perch and it isn't intimate then it shouldn't be a problem sitting on someone's knee if you know them at all.

After all it's just a perch.

But you're just being disingenuous. I haven't seen anyone above the age of 25 sitting on their friends' partners' laps. It's definitely not the norm even if it is in your 'set'.

2chocolateoranges · 04/09/2024 20:13

butterbeansauce · 04/09/2024 19:45

If it's just a perch and it isn't intimate then it shouldn't be a problem sitting on someone's knee if you know them at all.

After all it's just a perch.

But you're just being disingenuous. I haven't seen anyone above the age of 25 sitting on their friends' partners' laps. It's definitely not the norm even if it is in your 'set'.

Show quote history

I did use the word perch in my post as I’ve previously said. So no not intimate.

not the norm but it does happen.

thankfully we are all different and most people don’t judge others!

ShinyPebble32 · 04/09/2024 21:06

You can’t ’perch’ for a full hour on someone’s knee - that would be one very sore knee and very sore bumcheek! To sit for an hour it would be full arse in lap situation. Pisstakers the pair of them, I would be raging OP!

gaininginsight · 04/09/2024 21:28

Also, where were her hands? How can you sit on someone's lap without your arms being around their neck? Doubt they were formally placed on her own lap! If I had been one of the friends in the circle, I would have been uncomfortable seeing this. In fact, I bet we're not the only ones who have discussed this!

MsDogLady · 04/09/2024 22:47

I’ve been wondering that too, @gaininginsight. Where were their hands/arms placed during this hour of over-familiarity? How was she anchored to his lap?

@TealCrab, you say that she is always invested in the male gaze and only speaks to the men in the group. Has your H ever been around her on other occasions when you weren’t present? The way she just helped herself to his lap and he let her stay in that intimate position for an extended length of time suggests previous flirtatious or mutually validating behaviour.

MzPixie · 05/09/2024 00:03

Well I wouldn't be happy about that tbh but then again my husband wouldn't even entertain another women sitting on him etc

If you other lady's are fine with it good for you but bloody hell I would be absolutely fuming

lololulu · 05/09/2024 10:27

Agree he told you because he thought it would get back to you.

Devon23 · 07/09/2024 10:57

Well maybe they have an open marriage, and are starting to test the water. I dont care what anyone says I know my husband would want his boundaries respected and would have made any excuse to get up - toilet, drink etc. Its good he told you - Are you sure that is all that happened?

CosyLemur · 07/09/2024 11:24

Honestly it's no big deal! That's the way most weddings end the bride will flop on the nearest available lap and the groom will end up asleep at a table!

Oopsadaisy92 · 07/09/2024 19:33

I would say that the fact your husband told you immediately after indicates that he trusts you and your reaction. Trust him that he doesn't have feeling for her and that she's 85% to blame. Don't let this one mistake eat you up and drop it before it starts to do any damage.

Doone22 · 07/09/2024 19:39

Sounds like he needs some tips. Explain you don't like. Make sure he knows you don't blame him (I expect he was embarrassed and didn't know how to stop it without causing offence). Give him ideas on how to get out of it. I need the loo being a good one. Or just fart massively and say , sorry, it's the extra weight pressing on my guts. She'll soon stop.

Honest00lad · 07/09/2024 19:44

Can a woman sit on a mans lap and it not be sexual? I was a little uncomfortable when someone did this to me in the summer watching the England matches when there was a lack of seats. I ended up just giving them my seat

DoggingDave · 07/09/2024 20:16

You need to establish a few factors why was your husband not with you? Where was the groom? Who was he with? You also need to establish if at any point whilst she was perched upon his lap if he end up hard!

You can then decide how to deal with it if he remained soft throughout then I don't see any real issue he probably just felt awkward and waited for her to leave.

But if the opposite and they both enjoyed it then you definitely need to let the groom know, and all work out how to take things forward, be that all divorcing or looking into swinging together, etc.

Good luck

Father1 · 07/09/2024 20:49

Maybe if you sat on his lap more she would know her place

Liss19 · 07/09/2024 21:25

mmmm how well do you both know this woman?? Honestly I agree with hoppity, he won't tell you next time. Ide say it was weird behaviour unless they are long term close friends like from school/uni/college then I feel like sometimes we have known people that long that they almost feel like siblings . It was at her wedding, she was probably drunk and tired by that point and probably didn't care where she sat as long as it wasn't on the floor. I wouldn't be worried about it personally. Where was the groom when she was sat there??

Pingu32 · 07/09/2024 22:00

She was centre of attention and thought she could do what she liked. DH didn't want the awkwardness of taking away from her day. You've met her a couple of times - has your DH met her more often? Possibly, she feels very comfortable with him through Ben. You've had a happy, trusting relationship for 15 years - I don't see the big deal, apart from your DH feeling the need to tell you. Might you have seen it in a photo, later?

BeRoseScroller · 07/09/2024 22:03

I have to say I would be fuming if I was married and this happened I don’t think you are over-reacting at all

Feelingstrange2 · 07/09/2024 22:04

Where were you for this hour?

MyLimeGuide · 07/09/2024 22:21

cocoloco23 · 03/09/2024 21:47

I’d be pissed off too, OP.

Have you asked him why he didn’t get up and walk away? Or say no?

Yes, why didn't he just get up! An hour is a long time

EdithBond · 08/09/2024 10:16

Honest00lad · 07/09/2024 19:44

Can a woman sit on a mans lap and it not be sexual? I was a little uncomfortable when someone did this to me in the summer watching the England matches when there was a lack of seats. I ended up just giving them my seat

I think it depends on the context. If there are no spare seats, then some friends or family members might sit on each other’s laps when chatting in a group and it wouldn’t be sexual.

But I think it is in a context where there’s not an existing close relationship and the person has offered their seat and it’s refused. The bride was basically insisting she sit on his lap, rather than take the seat when offered. And she stayed there for an hour. Also, she barely knows his wife, and didn’t know how it would affect her, so it’s disrespectful to OP. Like a PP said, it’s the equivalent of a man pulling a woman onto his lap. I know it can be shocking, but if it’s unwanted and crosses a boundary, you have to be firm and say no.

Catdoorman · 08/09/2024 10:32

Next time you meet up with Ben and Maria, make sure you sit on his lap for an hour.

Halli123 · 08/09/2024 13:01

Nope I'm mad for you haha my partner would not let another woman sit on his knee at all let alone for an hour and if he did he would be gone that is so disrespectful I'd be asking the Ben what his thoughts on the matter are but your so right to be pissed off I'd go mental same as I wouldn't in a million year sit on another man's knee as why would you even want to disrespect your partner like that

Getmeahobnobstat · 08/09/2024 16:48

TealCrab · 03/09/2024 22:47

Lol this made me laugh, not my style though!

Show quote history

Would 100% be my style.

PloddingAlong21 · 11/09/2024 07:30

This is all very weird behaviour.

however he told you so clearly recognises it as weird. I think state it’s made you uncomfortable, appreciate he told you but don’t expect it again as it feels disrespectful.

He then knows your boundaries.

Sounds like she was very drunk at her own wedding and wasn’t much more to it tbh. However your DH should respect YOUR boundaries.