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Original poster

My husband let his friends wife sit on his lap

154 replies

TealCrab · 03/09/2024 21:45

A bit of back story, hubby and I have been together for over 15 years and have always had a trusting and happy relationship/marriage.

My husband has been friends with - let's call him Ben, for 15 years and I have met his partner let's call her Maria a couple of times, I would describe her as 'someone who likes the male gaze', and always noticed she would speak to the guys in the friendship group and not the girls - not for me but I have always been friendly and polite.

At the weekend Ben and Maria got married, and everyone had a great time. The morning after my husband told me after I went to bed, Maria came to sit with him and some friends, and sat on his lap, he said she could have his seat and he would move, but she said 'no it's fine', so she sat on his lap for about an hour while they all talked.

I just don't know what to do with this information. I feel disrespected by my husband and her and his friends. And am disgusted in all honesty.

I have never faced anything like this in our relationship. Should I just get over it and put it down to a drunken bad decision on my hubby's behalf?

I would appreciate any advice/thoughts 🙏

OP posts:
Synchronisedwitches · 03/09/2024 23:09

Honestly I'd think it was disrespectful but I'd just chalk it up to drunken nonsense. As long as he seemed to now understand how it's disrespectful to you? I'd be having words with him to make sure of that.
I'd be more cross at her but I still wouldn't confront her about it as it's possible she's a bit of an attention seeker so I wouldn't want to give her that.
I'd just have words with my DH about how altho I acknowledge people do stupid stuff when drunk and it's not that bad in the scheme of things.. it does undermine the relationship. Makes it look to everyone there like he's got no boundaries. I bet he wouldn't feel too comfortable about it if it were you sitting on a random man's lap for an extended period.

DaughterNo2 · 03/09/2024 23:12

You have been with ur DH for 15 years, he’s been friends with this guy for the same amount of time , yet you’ve only met her twice?
sorry, missing the point

Sadmamatoday · 03/09/2024 23:16

An hour is a long time! Interesting as I wonder if she would've done that if you were there, I doubt it. I'd forget it next time, but tell your husband it better not happen again. I understand he felt it was awkward but he should've excused himself for the loo or something. I'd be pissed off, but let it go this time. Maria sounds like trouble.

lololulu · 03/09/2024 23:16

@DaughterNo2 "over" 15 years!!!

Op What is the point in saying that? So clearly not 16 years?

Mls1984btc · 03/09/2024 23:17

I really believe is your DH's place to highlight the inappropriateness. Not yours - he is your husband, with a mind and ability of his own to politely avoid any unwanted interaction.

Sadmamatoday · 03/09/2024 23:19

ShinyPebble32 · 03/09/2024 22:36

You’re just going to have to sit on Ben’s lap at the next party, telling him a very long and interesting story, leaning in extra close of course - as otherwise how will he hear you over the loud music!
That’s the way to deal with the Marias of this world, and the shitty disingenuous DH’s.

Ha ha, yes totally do this OP!

HazelPlayer · 03/09/2024 23:28

TealCrab · 03/09/2024 21:51

He said after he offered to move didn't want to ask again or move himself as it would be awkward..

He couldn't think of one excuse in an hour to get up?

Toilet for example.

Presumably she'd move rather than force someone to piss themselves while she's on the lap.

HazelPlayer · 03/09/2024 23:29

DaughterNo2 · 03/09/2024 23:12

You have been with ur DH for 15 years, he’s been friends with this guy for the same amount of time , yet you’ve only met her twice?
sorry, missing the point

Long term friends don't always meet regularly.

And not always with their partner.

Maybe location is not conducive.

HazelPlayer · 03/09/2024 23:32

I bet he wouldn't feel too comfortable about it if it were you sitting on a random man's lap for an extended period.

Yep.

Copperoliverbear · 03/09/2024 23:32

I think your husband felt very awkward and I really don't think he enjoyed it or wanted it to happen, in fact I feel a bit sorry for him as just from reading this I feel how uncomfortable he feels.
I also think that was her intention that she likes to have power over men and make them feel she is in charge, I mean what normal women sits on a married man's lap at her own wedding.
I would also go to her and say I don't know what your game is I don't want to make a big thing of it, but please don't sit on my husband lap, both of us are uncomfortable with it, though i don't want to make a big thing of it this time, if you do anything like this again it will be a big problem and I will make sure it's yours.

HazelPlayer · 03/09/2024 23:35

Maria came to sit with him and some friends, and sat on his lap, he said she could have his seat and he would move, but she said 'no it's fine', so she sat on his lap for about an hour while they all talked.

Where was the groom?

DBD1975 · 03/09/2024 23:56

I would not be happy at all but then it wouldn't happen because my DH would be too afraid of the consequences and would have also complained about his bad knee/hip etc.
However if it did happen and he didn't do anything I would be furious and I would take her down as well.
How would your husband feel if you sat on male friend's lap, for me this is totally unacceptable, disrespectful and crosses a line.

FrankieStein403 · 04/09/2024 00:03

As a man, this sort of thing can be really embarrassing/difficult to handle, you can't move the woman with your hands, if she's very pissed she might be moving around and worst case you get an erection (not controllable in these circumstances) making it virtually impossible to move without making things worse - it's harassment basically.

If it was actually an hour then yes there was time to request a loo break.

mn29 · 04/09/2024 00:03

TealCrab · 03/09/2024 21:51

He said after he offered to move didn't want to ask again or move himself as it would be awkward..

Not good enough! He should have been firm and said something along the lines of “no I insist, it’s inappropriate for you to sit on my lap” and not taken no for an answer. The only person who should feel awkward is her.

It wouldn’t be ok the other way round, ie man insists it’s fine for a woman to sit on his lap when she’s tried to politely put an end to it.

sunnydays1364 · 04/09/2024 00:08

An hour is wild😬

MiddleClassProblem · 04/09/2024 00:14

sunnydays1364 · 04/09/2024 00:08

An hour is wild😬

And uncomfortable! 😂

I can totally see how this awkward situation played out from your DH’s POV though. You’re chatting to your friends having a great time with the party buzz and then a bride on her special day plops on you and declines your seat offer. In my head he’s just stuck like a rabbit in headlights after that not really listening to the conversation and just trying to act normal but panicking inside… I hope you arm him with the power of insisting on the “chivalrous” gesture (aka escape).

IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 04/09/2024 00:16

TealCrab · 03/09/2024 21:51

He said after he offered to move didn't want to ask again or move himself as it would be awkward..

given you’ve had a trusting relationship until now and he told you about it I would chalk it up to drink behaviour but insist he keeps his distance from her going forward. She seems a crazy type. Why would you sit on another man’s lap on the day jf your wedding and it would be interesting to see what her husband thinks about it.

Not justifying what happened but I can see how someone can freeze and keep quiet in such a situation.

I think it’s great that you have an open relationship where he can talk to you about something like this. Many men would just pretend it never happened or lie if it comes up.

HazelPlayer · 04/09/2024 00:29

no I insist, it’s inappropriate for you to sit on my lap”

And failing that "Get up, I need a piss, luv".

blueshoes · 04/09/2024 00:39

TealCrab · 03/09/2024 21:51

He said after he offered to move didn't want to ask again or move himself as it would be awkward..

I would be very unimpressed with his spinelessness. A whole hour? Sorry. Everyone watching must have been perplexed as in WTF???

Not excusing her behaviour. She has form but I doubt it would be easy to overlook if it happened again as your dh should have grown a pair and developed some strategies by now.

Edingril · 04/09/2024 01:27

A man should be able to say to a woman I am uncomfortable with this, if a man tried to do this the police would be called

Nothing to do with being part of a couple the woman has no boundaries of personal space

Here2talk · 04/09/2024 01:59

She sounds like a ‘pick me girl’. Look it up, I’m sure you’ll notice other things she does too, that are ‘pick me’.

coxesorangepippin · 04/09/2024 02:19

She sat there for an hour?

She must have been so uncomfortable or let's face it, desperate

Louise303 · 04/09/2024 02:36

Your husband probably thought someone would mention it and thats why he told you.Even is she was tipsy and he felt uncomfortable at first after about 5 minutes he could have made an excuse to move. Be it going to the loo and sitting somewhere else when he got back. I pity her new husband if he had to watch that for an hour was she trying to make him jealous. I would be very annoyed at my husband if he did that both him and Maria would get some reaction she needs to know its not on to do that.

onfiree · 04/09/2024 02:52

Woah this is shocking, did she do this on her wedding day? where was her husband? I wonder what his reaction to all this is, he must feel shocked if she did that on his wedding day

PamperGoals2024 · 04/09/2024 03:36

Was she drunk? I'd assume she's innocent but just a bit lacking in self awareness.

In terms of hubby, I'd be okay if they were embarrassed about it and awkward.

I went to party with a boyfriend once and a girl didn't realise we were together and made a beeline for him. She was twirling him round etc. I personally found it hilarious because he looked so awkward. Like he didn't want to offend her and walk off as she was having a great time. I just to be honest watched him skwirm and busied myself with other stuff. He then came over later and was like god that was so awkward and I took the piss out of him a bit, but equally was grateful he acknowledged it, as if he hadn't that would have felt weird. I guess in retrospect he could have enjoyed it but I trusted him. It wasn't the only time it happened, another drunk friend when she met him kept telling him how good looking he was. Again he was like that was awkward. I did say to another friend, can she stop telling my boyfriend how good looking he is? Mainly as I felt like it looked like she was insinuating why is he with me.

A different boyfriend, I went to party with and he couldn't take his eyes off one of the hosts and I found myself saying his name at one point when he was staring and he said sorry. That felt different to me and I don't think I fully trusted him.

Really the bottom line is that it should always feel like there are two of you in the relationship. If that's how it feels then its fine.

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