My husband let his friends wife sit on his lap

[TealCrab]

A bit of back story, hubby and I have been together for over 15 years and have always had a trusting and happy relationship/marriage.

My husband has been friends with - let's call him Ben, for 15 years and I have met his partner let's call her Maria a couple of times, I would describe her as 'someone who likes the male gaze', and always noticed she would speak to the guys in the friendship group and not the girls - not for me but I have always been friendly and polite.

At the weekend Ben and Maria got married, and everyone had a great time. The morning after my husband told me after I went to bed, Maria came to sit with him and some friends, and sat on his lap, he said she could have his seat and he would move, but she said 'no it's fine', so she sat on his lap for about an hour while they all talked.

I just don't know what to do with this information. I feel disrespected by my husband and her and his friends. And am disgusted in all honesty.

I have never faced anything like this in our relationship. Should I just get over it and put it down to a drunken bad decision on my hubby's behalf?

I would appreciate any advice/thoughts 🙏

Agree. I’m not at all the jealous type. So this wouldn’t bother me, as such. I wouldn’t give them grief or anything. But equally none of my DP’s would have let anyone (male or female) sit on their lap for an hour. I don’t buy your DH’s explanation and an hour isn’t a ‘bad decision’. If you don’t want them to, you just get up.

I always think you have to be wary of people who appear to fess up. It’s a way to get themselves off the hook: “She tongued me and I felt so awkward I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I must tell you”. People saw and he’d worry it’d get back to you. So, telling you was quite possibly a preemptive strike. Let’s face it, if an older male relative had sat on his lap (just as bizarre as the bride IMHO), he wouldn’t have felt too awks to get up. A attractive woman on the other hand…

And as for her, you don’t sit on a man’s lap unless you fancy him. It’s a way to test the water. And a wedding day is perfect cover. So, I’d keep an eye out. I’ve read so many threads where women say: ‘He said it was nothing and apologised, so I thought nothing more of it’ when they’re looking back to the start of an affair.

Unless you have other reasons to doubt your dh it sounds like he got himself in a slightly awkward situation and wasn't sure how to get out of it.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt but be clear if it happens again u expect him to get up!

Ever heard of using words?

Who would be calling the police? 🤔

I've seen men do a lot worse and no police were called 🤔

I find it hard a man could be this dumb and confused for an hour unless he's usually quite thick. Let this go, but keep an eye out.

More awkward than having his friends wife in his lap?

When my husband & I first started dating, we walked down the street to his friend & coworkers’s house where all the other guys were hanging out in & by the pool - along with their wives.
One of his inebriated friends pulled me down on his lap and said “hello, beautiful” and wouldn’t let me up — but the wives decided I was was the bad guy - that I was the loosey goosey. I had never met any of them before that day.
I was embarrassed and felt stuck in an awkward situation.
After we married, I never felt comfortable around that group of people again — the men because of their overt familiarity and the women because of their judgmental, snotty attitudes.
You might want to consider that not every single solitary other woman is after your husband.

I couldn't find the energy to be bothered over this. It's a non event.

Husband sounds awkward and should of had more boundaries.

i think the lady probably didn’t think it offensive

Where was the groom in all this? I can see how your dh found it awkward but after an hour he surely could have said ‘jump up love I need the loo’ or a drink or you’ve given me a dead leg. Something. Keep an eye on Maria I bet she doesn’t actually fancy your dh just likes the attention.

I wouldn’t take it out on him. She put him in an awful position. It’s way out of line, rude, and try-hard on her part.

he just needs to make sure, going forward, that she can’t do this sort of thing again; he’ll be ready with a response next time - stand up and dump her on her arse!

Imagine if her husband had pulled you onto his lap. I feel it’s the same level of forced intimacy and it’s so embarrassing for the person being forced.

disgusting.

@TealCrab I completely understand why this has rocked you a bit (in the same way the carpets on the RMS Titanic are a 'bit' soggy), and I want to tell you those feelings are perfectly valid, normal, and reasonable - you're certainly not "making a mountain out of a molehill" or anything of that sort. A litmus test for this could be to think about how your DH might respond if you'd done a similar thing.

In his defence though, I'd say the big thing is he's told you about it unprompted of his own free will - if he had something to hide, be it thoughts or actions, he would have just kept quiet. It sounds to me like a bloke who had a bit more to drink than he's used to, a woman's pushed him in to a situation that he's in no way shape or form comfortable with, he's panicked a bit because he's not really sure how to tell her to stop or how people are gonna react or treat him if he does say anything, so he's frozen up and just tried his best not to let on to anyone how what she's decided is fine to do or that he should enjoy or be grateful for is making him feel otherwise he'll be called "not a real man" or "a poofter" etc.

When she finally stopped, he's gone straight to the person he loves and trusts to tell her what he's been put through - we just don't always express these things very well or clearly is all, and sometimes we need to rant and waffle for a good while before get to the point of spitting out what we actually mean...

Your DH is a pain in the ass and shit stirring by giving you information you could do nothing with. Why even mention it.

idiot. He needs to grow up.

But we don’t know how long the husbands friend has been with this woman. Especially if they’re just getting married now. There’s a chance they’re more of a newer couple.

Or if she’s not that interested in hanging out with the women in the social circle she may avoid a lot of situations where they’re going to meet another couple.
Not everyone hangs out in couples.

Yep, I wouldn't be happy with this at all..it's the intimacy of it. Where do your hands go when someone is on your lap. And I'm sure he could have nipped to the loo after ten minutes or so. Why was this for an hour.

On the plus side, he has told you, but I'd be wary of her for sure.. probably just drunk and attention seeking.

This woman is not just not a girl's girl, she has bad manners. It is inappropriate for an adult to sit on another adult's lap when other people are present. It is not only against moral laws, it is against the laws of physics. Knees, even supported by a sofa, are not meant to withstand an adult weight for prolonged periods of time. I think adult people sitting on other adult's knees is naff and vulgar. What looks cute in 18-year malnourished old lovers looks horrid in adults.

And of course, sitting on somebody else's knees has strong pervy connotations in English literature, with multiple jokes in N.Mitford, P.G.Wodehouse and in general slapstick comedy.

If your husband is not very bright and does not understand when boundaries should apply, give him a bog-standard pictorial reference - 'Can you picture (put some respected name in here) doing that and the picture of it appearing in a paper'? If the answer is no, don't do it.

@TealCrab, I too would feel disrespected and disgusted.

This was a power-play, and your H felt the need to do her bidding for the whole hour she was sitting cozily on his lap. Where were his agency and gumption which would have enabled him to excuse himself to use the facilities, etc.?

The others in the group must have felt uncomfortable at their lack of boundaries and respect.

I predict that she will strike again in the near future, so hopefully H will wise up and plan ways to distance/extricate himself.

This wouldn’t bother me particularly.

Wouldn’t bother me, in fact I’ve sat my my friends husbands knee at a party and I’m sure my friends have sat on my dh’s knee, it’s a knee, nothing to get worked up about.

happily married here and no intention of flirting or stealing my friends husbands!

I think you should let this pass by. It's a bit difficult to argue with the person whose wedding it is and essentially your hostess. And she was no doubt pissed. This will have dropped on your OH out of the blue and when he too had probably had a few drinks, so formulating a response to this inappropriate behaviour would have been difficult. Cut him some slack. He would not have told you about it if he had been feeling her up.
Where were you for a whole hour that you did not know what was happening!? 😀

Well if he didn't like it then he tried hard for an hour.

I'm sorry but an hour is ages. He could have easily said he needed the loo, had a bad knee etc.

He told you because he thought it would get back to you.

Yes sure there are women who like to do this. I liken it to a dog cocking its leg on a lamppost. But you know it's up to your h and you now you deal with it.

I wouldn't be so quick to dislike the woman for it. Your h wasn't doing much about it.

It's all just depends what you are cool with.

I think it’s good that he told you as shows he knows it was out of line somewhat. She will do this sort of thing again, as someone mentioned above, it’s a power play. Perhaps have a chat with your husband that if anything of this sort happened again it needs to be nipped in the bud. Alternatively you can hop on her husbands knee next time you see them and see if she’s cool with it 😉

Well that marriage won't last long.

Clearly she wasn’t coming onto him, it was her wedding and the groom was there. So I think you are misreading the intent here. And I suspect he told you as he knows you’ve issues with her. On saying that of course she shouldn’t have done it, it is overly familiar and weird, but if no one batted and eye inc the groom I suspect it looked and felt very innocent.

Well hello there 😂