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Original poster

My husband let his friends wife sit on his lap

154 replies

TealCrab · 03/09/2024 21:45

A bit of back story, hubby and I have been together for over 15 years and have always had a trusting and happy relationship/marriage.

My husband has been friends with - let's call him Ben, for 15 years and I have met his partner let's call her Maria a couple of times, I would describe her as 'someone who likes the male gaze', and always noticed she would speak to the guys in the friendship group and not the girls - not for me but I have always been friendly and polite.

At the weekend Ben and Maria got married, and everyone had a great time. The morning after my husband told me after I went to bed, Maria came to sit with him and some friends, and sat on his lap, he said she could have his seat and he would move, but she said 'no it's fine', so she sat on his lap for about an hour while they all talked.

I just don't know what to do with this information. I feel disrespected by my husband and her and his friends. And am disgusted in all honesty.

I have never faced anything like this in our relationship. Should I just get over it and put it down to a drunken bad decision on my hubby's behalf?

I would appreciate any advice/thoughts 🙏

OP posts:
a222 · 04/09/2024 09:15

bizarre, i’d be really angry.

Starlight1979 · 04/09/2024 09:24

He told you because he thought it would get back to you.

This. He's worried someone is going to tell you. Let's be honest, if he felt that uncomfortable he could have got up and said he needed the loo / was going to get a drink. He wasn't forced to sit with another woman in his lap for ONE HOUR.

Sorry but if I was at a wedding and a woman came over and sat on my friend's husband's knee (and she wasn't around), I would feel a bit weird and uncomfortable. I bet there were a few raised eyebrows round that table...

And to all those women who are saying they wouldn't be bothered... You would seriously be ok with a woman sat in a pretty intimate position with your husband in full view of other people?! The only man whose knee I would think it's appropriate to sit on is DPs. And even then I wouldn't do it in front of other people unless absolutely necessary due to lack of seats or something!

spamandeggs · 04/09/2024 09:27

This happened to me many years ago OP , (first date after having a baby) well Dp's mates ex wife( who had many affairs on him) just sat on my Dp's lap (right in front of me) with her arms wrapped around him and kissed him on the cheek and he done jack shit to discourage her.
I said to him I want to go to the pub down the road (because I was pissed off) and the cheek of her to ask if she could come too (she knew we was on a date).
Dp begged me if she could come too as she was on her own and I said no it's our first date since having a baby and I don't want the third wheel with us (loud enough for her to hear), her face dropped so much when he told her no we want to spend some time on our own . I really felt like she was seeing if he'd choose her over me. I still moan to DP about his actions years later and he does say he was sorry and didn't really think at the time, but he didn't fancy her so it meant nothing to him. I said that didn't make it ok and how would he like it if I sat on some blokes lap which is right next to his penis with my arms wrapped around him and he admitted he would hate it .
It's so disrespectful isn't it op and it makes you think if he is allowing that to happen in front of you/others what else is he doing behind your back

BlastedPimples · 04/09/2024 09:33

@Starlight1979 the posters who are cool with other women sitting on their h's laps are cool wives. Very relaxed.

Starlight1979 · 04/09/2024 09:39

BlastedPimples · 04/09/2024 09:33

@Starlight1979 the posters who are cool with other women sitting on their h's laps are cool wives. Very relaxed.

Well I like to think I'm pretty chilled out as a person and a partner but obviously not "cool" enough!

BlastedPimples · 04/09/2024 09:40

@Starlight1979 don't worry. You are.

Sitting on someone else's lap is intimate and definitely crossing boundaries.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/09/2024 09:47

I think it all goes to show that not only are we talking about a mix in different posters personalities but also different DHs/men personalities they are picturing in the situation and different relationship experiences.

My DH is a nerd who would just be incredibly awkward in that situation and not sure how to get out of it. Other men might lean into it etc. DH would have told me because he was traumatised by it the same as he tells me everything from bowel movements to random thoughts so him telling you doesn’t mean it means “he knew it would get back to you” but equally there are men that that would be doing it for that reason.

circular1985 · 04/09/2024 09:52

Sitting on someone else's knee (in this scenario) is a bit weird. I can understand for a few minutes out of convenience or to give someone a hug or a quick chat. It's strange that she sat there for an hour and your dh went along with it. Any wedding I've been to, including my own guests are always trying to 'steal' the bride and groom for a chat, or to say goodbye. Why didn't your dh excuse himself after a few minutes and go to the loo, get himself a drink etc? That wouldn't have been rude, just really normal in the period of an hour.

MelodyMalone · 04/09/2024 09:56

I get that once she was there (and had declined the offer of him giving up his seat), it was awkward to move. But you'd think that after a few minutes he could have claimed to need the loo, a drink, etc and she'd have had to get up.

I do think it feels disrespectful and I'd be annoyed, but there's not much you can do about it now other than make it very clear you don't find that behaviour acceptable and it shouldn't be repeated.

GingerPirate · 04/09/2024 10:01

FrankieStein403 · 04/09/2024 00:03

As a man, this sort of thing can be really embarrassing/difficult to handle, you can't move the woman with your hands, if she's very pissed she might be moving around and worst case you get an erection (not controllable in these circumstances) making it virtually impossible to move without making things worse - it's harassment basically.

If it was actually an hour then yes there was time to request a loo break.

Well, you can politely ask her to move, as my husband would have done.
Obviously we are a bit "old fashioned".
Glad I don't have to worry about this sort of 💩.

Carouselfish · 04/09/2024 10:25

Like a cat marking territory. I'd be passed off too. It's a passive aggressive move. Someone did it yo me once and I was a shy 20 something so said nothing, just fumed. Now, I'd have sat on her husband's lap and laughed 'Is this the done thing now?'

Carouselfish · 04/09/2024 10:28

At her wedding! Hmm. Drunk and enjoying being the centre of attention then. In that case I would have laughed and said oy, you've got your own man to sit on now. Move over!

MelodyMalone · 04/09/2024 10:30

Carouselfish · 04/09/2024 10:28

At her wedding! Hmm. Drunk and enjoying being the centre of attention then. In that case I would have laughed and said oy, you've got your own man to sit on now. Move over!

OP wasn't there, it was after she'd gone to bed.

changedusernameforthis1 · 04/09/2024 10:37

I think I'd be a bit off over it because it's massively disrespectful, but I'd let it go.

That said, I dumped my high school boyfriend for this when I was 13. I was off sick at home and a friend called me after school to say a girl who clearly fancied him had sat in his lap at lunch and he'd cuddled her. I was livid 😂

badgerpatrol · 04/09/2024 10:49

An hour?
That's dodgy.
Where was the groom?

How did neither of them move/get up in an hour?

You must be a 'cool' wife because none of my ex's would have let another woman sit on their lap for an hour, they would know I would be upset by that and they would be upset if I was doing that too.

2chocolateoranges · 04/09/2024 10:59

Starlight1979 · 04/09/2024 09:24

He told you because he thought it would get back to you.

This. He's worried someone is going to tell you. Let's be honest, if he felt that uncomfortable he could have got up and said he needed the loo / was going to get a drink. He wasn't forced to sit with another woman in his lap for ONE HOUR.

Sorry but if I was at a wedding and a woman came over and sat on my friend's husband's knee (and she wasn't around), I would feel a bit weird and uncomfortable. I bet there were a few raised eyebrows round that table...

And to all those women who are saying they wouldn't be bothered... You would seriously be ok with a woman sat in a pretty intimate position with your husband in full view of other people?! The only man whose knee I would think it's appropriate to sit on is DPs. And even then I wouldn't do it in front of other people unless absolutely necessary due to lack of seats or something!

I’ve sat on knees before as have friends, in fact my friends husband sat on my knee once too. It’s a seat, it’s not intimate, there was no cuddling or kissing, it was a perch to join in the conversation.

im secure in my relationship and trust my friends and dh . Are you?

FinallyYouSaid · 04/09/2024 11:03

Five minutes whilst he internally panicked/felt awkward/wasn't sure how to tell her to gtf off/gathered his thoughts - I'd understand.

An hour? Yeah, he was totally accepting of/engaged in this sorry. There's just no way.

It would have taken nothing to give it a couple of minutes then say 'right I'll have to move you sorry, need a drink/the bathroom' which is, I imagine, what many men would do.

Starlight1979 · 04/09/2024 11:03

2chocolateoranges · 04/09/2024 10:59

I’ve sat on knees before as have friends, in fact my friends husband sat on my knee once too. It’s a seat, it’s not intimate, there was no cuddling or kissing, it was a perch to join in the conversation.

im secure in my relationship and trust my friends and dh . Are you?

Show quote history

It's a seat

Um, no, it isn't. It's someone's body.

And yes I'm more than secure in my relationship thank you. I just have more respect for my partner than to sit with my arse rubbing on another man for an hour. I wouldn't like it, he wouldn't like it and I don't know many who would. Including the OP.

But well done for being the "cool" wife that others speak of 👏

BlastedPimples · 04/09/2024 11:13

There's a lot of difference between a perch and sitting on someone's lap.

butterbeansauce · 04/09/2024 11:25

BlastedPimples · 04/09/2024 11:13

There's a lot of difference between a perch and sitting on someone's lap.

Of course there is. Would you sit on your (male) boss's lap? Or your FiL's. Of course not. If it's so neutral then that would be fine too. Not you@BlastedPimples, I mean the PPs who are so cool about it.

Having said that I do get the boundaries thing a bit if the DH is a bit awkward about being assertive. I was brought up not to be assertive and my parents were constantly crossing my bundaries so I was crap about knowing how to handle those kind of situations.

Tons of therapy, Mumsnet and menopause have worked wonders and I wouldn't put up with that shit now.

Starlight1979 · 04/09/2024 11:29

butterbeansauce · 04/09/2024 11:25

Of course there is. Would you sit on your (male) boss's lap? Or your FiL's. Of course not. If it's so neutral then that would be fine too. Not you@BlastedPimples, I mean the PPs who are so cool about it.

Having said that I do get the boundaries thing a bit if the DH is a bit awkward about being assertive. I was brought up not to be assertive and my parents were constantly crossing my bundaries so I was crap about knowing how to handle those kind of situations.

Tons of therapy, Mumsnet and menopause have worked wonders and I wouldn't put up with that shit now.

Show quote history

Would you sit on your (male) boss's lap? Or your FiL's. Of course not. If it's so neutral then that would be fine too.

Exactly this 👏

JFDIYOLO · 04/09/2024 11:38

Tell him and her - that offended me. Don't do it again.

Mymanyellow · 04/09/2024 15:25

Was she on his lap or balancing on his knee? I do think that’s different. Your dh could have stood up at some point during the hour though. I have sat on my fil knee.

Caramellie3 · 04/09/2024 16:33

Definitely a good thing he told you. She sounds like a flirt. I can’t imagine he encouraged her as she was the bride married to his friend. I can imagine it being awkward but unless he made a thing about it what could he realistically do in front of his friends.

2chocolateoranges · 04/09/2024 19:34

Starlight1979 · 04/09/2024 11:03

It's a seat

Um, no, it isn't. It's someone's body.

And yes I'm more than secure in my relationship thank you. I just have more respect for my partner than to sit with my arse rubbing on another man for an hour. I wouldn't like it, he wouldn't like it and I don't know many who would. Including the OP.

But well done for being the "cool" wife that others speak of 👏

Show quote history

I said a perch in my post. I have a lot of respect for my dh too and he wouldn’t think twice if I was perched on a friends knee be it male or female, I wouldn’t perch on fil or my male bosses knee because I don’t know them well enough to do so,

im far from cool but if this makes me a cool wife then I’ll take it!