My DS (13) is not safe and no-one will listen to me - our relationship is broken

[anotherdayinhell]

Hi All,
Long time poster name changed for obvious reasons. I cant believe I am writing this.

My DS is 13. DD is 6 (different dads) Both disabled in their own way, DS has got autism which was diagnosed around dec 2023, awaiting ADHD result however he 100% has ADHD - would bet my life on it.

The last 3.5 years have been hell, self harm, suicidal thoughts, missing from home episodes, drugs, aggresive and abusive behaviours shown to me. DS dad doesn't bother with him much. DD's dad i have a restraining order against as he was very abusive - we all witnessed horrendous DV from him - him to me witnessed by DS mostly not always physical but that doesn't matter right, it still leaves damage.

In June my DS did a 36 hour long missing from home - i thought he was dead i honestly did - finally found him and then the following week he did 3 more missing in the same evening and the police did actually listen to me when I said i cant stop him he becomes extremely violent and placed him under a police protection order - his grandad (dads side) who he has seen approx 4 times in the whole of this 13 years on earth offered to take him temporarily while social worker put things in place to help me and him....anyway... fast forward to Monday 19th August and i ended up at grandads flat where DS is temporarily staying, he disclosed to me grandad is smoking cannabis with him and giving it to him daily , i made him give me access to his phone (Which he stole off me unknown to me a few months previous and still was logged into all my info facebook insta emails and google photo back up - this is relevant) and checked it, there it was, all the videos and photos of my ds smoking cannabis in grandads flat EVERYDAY, with grandad in the background of some pics/vidoes and another young adult who also lives in the flat. My DS asked me not to tell the social worker/police however I knew I didn't have a choice, grandad clearly leaving him alone everyday all day to go to work, he's smoking weed everyday ALOT of weed and he is clearly being neglected (no bed sleeping on the sofa, dirty flat, he looked disgusting when i went around) - and to make it even better for myself (so I could investigate further as it was my phone he stole at some point previously all his pictures and videos were backed up to my cloud so i was able to save them). Spent 2 days with my son as I forced him to come home with me that day - no restrictions on this as i still have PR and nothing stating he cant be at home. He wanted to return to grandads tuesday PM - we made a deal that when he was due to see the social worker on Thursday he would tell her the truth - if he didn't i would be forced to disclose. He didnt tell the truth. Saturday I reported to social and the police everything above and supplied evidence....and then Tuesday the social worker was due to come and speak with me - she says there's not enough evidence and the police are not concerned about the cannabis but my DS has made serious physical abuse allegegations against me - including allegations that I have harmed his DS my DD also and he has concerns. This is all untrue. Grandad become aware Sunday that the police had been informed regarding all the evidence i had and it just seems to me that they have now come up with these allgeations to try and distract from my evidence?
I don't know. My heads spinning and my sons not safe in that flat however DS would not come with me and i cant force him home because he would essentially go missing again and/or make more false allegations about me.

The allegations hes made about me are very serious - to be honest I am not worried about them as I know they didnt happen - im more worried now about why hes made them, and what are they going to do to help him as the enviroment hes in at the moment is neglectful....

Dont really know why im posting- its full of typos and im probably going to get a few bullshit posts back in response. All I know is im so worried no one is listening to my concerns about grandad and his flat and no one is helping me and after these horrendous allegations my ds has made i dont know we will ever be able to move past them .
I am heartbroken.

With the greatest of respect, this is a complete mess. He’s your son, he’s 13 years old, get him back in your care and under control and get him far away from all this stuff, move if you have to before his chances of a decent future are ruined. Where is he we going missing to? This relative is clearly not someone who can help him.

You need to get him home. Of course he enjoys spending time with his dealer grandad. But it isn’t a good place for him to be and he’s obviously easily influenced.

@CheeryUser Hi thanks for your reply to me - the nights are long. He is a risk to my DD as she's become hurt during his violent outbursts previously, she also hears a lot of him abuse towards me when he is in the house - he simply doesn't care. I lost control of him fully about 8 months ago when he realised I cant physically restrain him because he's bigger than me and stronger than me. Sounds pathetic right.

When he has gone missing he hops from one dodgey friends house to another - or goes walk about from what I have been told. He turns his tracker off so i have no chance.
its a huge mess and i know if i went and told him he has to return home with me he simply would refuse, i could call the police however he would just walk out the second i got him home and go missing again - I'm complelty at a loss

@StormingNorman The risk if i force him home would be he would go missing again - I cant physically stop him and believe me I've tried everything - he will break a window to get out. Social worker says "least he isnt going missing at grandads" urm yeah because hes stoned half to death and when he has gone missing grandad doesnt report it!
Honestly i am so utterly lost and broken.

No it doesn’t sound pathetic at all, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot yourself and have your hands absolutely full but for his sake you need to keep fighting. The next couple of years are crucial. Is he still at school?

There are a couple of organisations that may be able to give some advice and support:

Family Lives
0808 800 2222
familylives.org.uk
Practical information and emotional support about parenting and family life. Provides a confidential helpline, live chat, email support and online forum for parents and carers.

Family Rights Group
0808 801 0366
frg.org.uk
Confidential advice and information for families whose children are involved with child services, or who need help accessing these services. Also supports parents, grandparents, relatives, friends and carers.

@CheeryUser I got him into a specalist school in april this year - before that he hasnt been in school regularlyy since 3 weeks into year 7 and has been suspended numerous times - one time he held a pair of scissors upto the caretaker and told him he would shank him...... ive been to every meeting, rang the police numerous times, pleaded and begged with social care to help me somehow.. I'm getting no where.

My daughter is severely sight impaired also which has its own problems sleeping being one of them - ds will "kick off" once she's in bed because he knows i am most vulnerable then due to trying not to disturb her. Its been hell and no one is helping me and now he's made these allegations against me which are massively untrue!

sorry for my spelling and typing I've not slept all weekend and week with anxiety

@cupcaske123 thank you i will ring them as i haven't heard of the second one before. Thank you

He's 13. I'd move, uproot both children and settle a long way from dealer grandfather and dodgy friends. Make a fresh start.

And control your ds' finances. Don't give him money. Instead provide a steady calm secure home with good food, routine and your company and your attention.

You need to get this under control before he gets any older.

@Meadowfinch unfortunately as a single mother who's literally just about to loose her part time job (due to all the time off i've had to have with ds when he's gone missing or said he will kill himself) i don't have the financial means to move.

I controlled his finances was all over it - he stole money off me - all my savings 1k (Alot to me) and blew it - i no longer have any cash in the house at all - then he started stealing things and selling them. Now social have allowed grandad to give him £10 a week cash for chores in his flat - i dont agree! Also the amount of cannabis he is smoking daily in his videos and pictures is way more than £10s worth so hes getting it from somewhere else as could not possibly afford it with his £10!

As you say, you know what he’s said isn’t true and that, while hugely stressful, will come out in the wash. He or both of them are manipulating the situation. This relative needs to go, you can’t rely on him to care for your son. Were the drugs previously related to the friendship groups?

@CheeryUser I agree!! I was aware he would smoke cannabis when with his friends, i never caught him stoned or smelling of it or anything but he told me he did it - he had help from drug related services for this but would occasionally do it while out with friends - and i get it - he's a teenager they test boundaries etc but i made it clear it was not acceptable and he always told me when he had done it and id again go through it all about how it affects you at this age and its dangerous blah blah blah.

Ive told the police and social services he needs to be removed from grandad and either come home and social services get him help and support me correctly or he will have to go into care - once he is in the care system though he will spiral - he is a sheep and he is already a long way down the dark path especially now his grandad has done this!

No problem. Another organisation is Young Minds, they have a helpline for parents concerned about their child's mental health:
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/

@cupcaske123 brilliant I've used contact forms on each of these now and hopefully they get back to me tomorrow while DD is in holiday club. Thank you

Typically my DD has woken up - that sleep issue i mentioned is hitting hard at the moment but I will look at any more responses when I can. Thank you all for being so kind - i know it sounds like i am very negative at the moment, if it was as easy as bring him home and love him i bloody would - he doesn't want to be here - he doesn't even want contact with me at the moment!

Ill be back - thank you again you've all been really kind - the nights are so long

I’m not surprised you’re beside yourself. This sounds challenging in the extreme.

Coram are also good as a support organization. Second Family Rights Group.

Wtf have I just read.
No wonder you're at the end of your tether.
Could your son be dealing for the grandad because when it comes to drugs nothing is for free?.
I genuinely hope you get the help you all desperately need.

He needs to be in residential care somewhere.

It feels like he is too disruptive to live in your home. The stealing and going missing is terrible. It's not good for your other child. But I'm sorry for your son and what he's been through.
But also the grandad is clearly not a responsible carer or role model.
Is there any other family member he could stay with? Would he accept the concept of counselling? I hope you are able to access therapy yourself as well as you have clearly been through so much.
Could you speak to his grandad and try and make him see sense that giving drugs to a child is unacceptable? It sounds ridiculous to have to even iterate such things. But here you are.
I really hope things improve for you and your son.

Sorry this is such a stressful situation.

I don’t think you can have him at home for reasons you’ve set out, but mostly comes down to (no fault directed here) 1) you cannot keep him safe and 2) he is danger to your DD.

You are likely right the allegations are due to not wanting to return home and so good you are not taking them to heart.

Did you show them the evidence or is there any opportunity to send it? Can you escalate your concerns?

Likely however SS feel on balance, however crap, it’s still the best place for him to be right now, especially if there is no other alternative family member. They know where he is and can at least engage with him there. I’m not minimising the drug normalisation either, but alternative of residential care etc could be an even worse option.

Keep updating on here and you are doing well to keep going with your DD, work and so forth as well as doing your best by your DS.

I am so sorry, I have no useful advice because I just can't imagine how you or anyone could cope in this situation but I didn't want to read and run. You are a truly amazing person simply by surviving this far. It sounds like total hell. I don't know what's the best course of action - PPs suggestion of residential school/care sounds extreme but I think it's what I would want. I used to know a boy with significant AN who went to a specialist boarding school at about your son's age due to his violent behaviour at home and with his sister. No idea if you could get a place and funding nowadays though.

Perhaps if possible try for Autism/SEMH residential school. Rather than SW placement. This is Education at council … not SW. EHCP required.

Have seen teens go into barely supervised “group” settings where they are in groups and do not attend school, just run wild . No consequences. They keep the locations secret and the safeguarding reviews are secret so u wont know his bad it is.

SW will likely be very cost averse and “keep family together”
but he has called you abuser so will need to not live with you
Grandad is a sack of manure.

Please explore Education options, residential if possible.

Your priority right now is yourself and your dd, as tough as that sounds. Work with social services, not against them. Let your ds know you love him and always will. Tell him this daily. He may well have a rough few years ahead of him but hopefully he will come back to you. Definitely express your concerns about his current living arrangement to social services, try and push for a residential school of some kind - but this will be a tough fight as funding is so limited. But above all look after yourself. If you don't you can't advocate for your kids.

Does he have a social worker?
Can you engage with him/her and see if they can place him somewhere where he will get support and be safe?
Its probably way beyond this point when he is physically hurting you but I would remove his phone so he cannot get in contact with his grandfather or dodgy friends.

He lives with the grandad and ss are involved already.