My DS (13) is not safe and no-one will listen to me - our relationship is broken

[anotherdayinhell]

Hi All,
Long time poster name changed for obvious reasons. I cant believe I am writing this.

My DS is 13. DD is 6 (different dads) Both disabled in their own way, DS has got autism which was diagnosed around dec 2023, awaiting ADHD result however he 100% has ADHD - would bet my life on it.

The last 3.5 years have been hell, self harm, suicidal thoughts, missing from home episodes, drugs, aggresive and abusive behaviours shown to me. DS dad doesn't bother with him much. DD's dad i have a restraining order against as he was very abusive - we all witnessed horrendous DV from him - him to me witnessed by DS mostly not always physical but that doesn't matter right, it still leaves damage.

In June my DS did a 36 hour long missing from home - i thought he was dead i honestly did - finally found him and then the following week he did 3 more missing in the same evening and the police did actually listen to me when I said i cant stop him he becomes extremely violent and placed him under a police protection order - his grandad (dads side) who he has seen approx 4 times in the whole of this 13 years on earth offered to take him temporarily while social worker put things in place to help me and him....anyway... fast forward to Monday 19th August and i ended up at grandads flat where DS is temporarily staying, he disclosed to me grandad is smoking cannabis with him and giving it to him daily , i made him give me access to his phone (Which he stole off me unknown to me a few months previous and still was logged into all my info facebook insta emails and google photo back up - this is relevant) and checked it, there it was, all the videos and photos of my ds smoking cannabis in grandads flat EVERYDAY, with grandad in the background of some pics/vidoes and another young adult who also lives in the flat. My DS asked me not to tell the social worker/police however I knew I didn't have a choice, grandad clearly leaving him alone everyday all day to go to work, he's smoking weed everyday ALOT of weed and he is clearly being neglected (no bed sleeping on the sofa, dirty flat, he looked disgusting when i went around) - and to make it even better for myself (so I could investigate further as it was my phone he stole at some point previously all his pictures and videos were backed up to my cloud so i was able to save them). Spent 2 days with my son as I forced him to come home with me that day - no restrictions on this as i still have PR and nothing stating he cant be at home. He wanted to return to grandads tuesday PM - we made a deal that when he was due to see the social worker on Thursday he would tell her the truth - if he didn't i would be forced to disclose. He didnt tell the truth. Saturday I reported to social and the police everything above and supplied evidence....and then Tuesday the social worker was due to come and speak with me - she says there's not enough evidence and the police are not concerned about the cannabis but my DS has made serious physical abuse allegegations against me - including allegations that I have harmed his DS my DD also and he has concerns. This is all untrue. Grandad become aware Sunday that the police had been informed regarding all the evidence i had and it just seems to me that they have now come up with these allgeations to try and distract from my evidence?
I don't know. My heads spinning and my sons not safe in that flat however DS would not come with me and i cant force him home because he would essentially go missing again and/or make more false allegations about me.

The allegations hes made about me are very serious - to be honest I am not worried about them as I know they didnt happen - im more worried now about why hes made them, and what are they going to do to help him as the enviroment hes in at the moment is neglectful....

Dont really know why im posting- its full of typos and im probably going to get a few bullshit posts back in response. All I know is im so worried no one is listening to my concerns about grandad and his flat and no one is helping me and after these horrendous allegations my ds has made i dont know we will ever be able to move past them .
I am heartbroken.

I’m sorry you are going through this. My first thought was county lines is there more going on with the dodgy friends. I think you need to pick your battles. I’m not sure being in care will help him. A lot of children go missing in care and mix with similar children so it can become a bigger problem. Do you think grandad is dodgy to? Or is he just letting him do what he likes? I would call your local sendiass. Sendiass can advise on ehcp once he has a diagnosis. But enquire about education other than at school. Also speak to your gp about referring for a adhd assessment. He has rebelled and reported you possibly because he likes being with grandad. Can you get grandad on side. I would hate him doing weed but he may think it helps him and possibly can’t stop. The police will struggle to help and social services may see that they know where he is if he’s with grandad. I would try and take one day at a time.

There is more social services can do but it all costs a lot of money and doesn’t fit into any particular funding stream. For instance having experienced trained carers who work with children with behavioural needs in your home. I’m not sure sending him to a residential education placement would be the best option, he needs to be nurtured due to the trauma he has experienced. You need to contact your MP about him being with his grandad explain you are extremely worried for his safety.

Pay 1000 pounds to adhd 360 and they will diagnose and medicate him. Honestly it will help. Aside from that if you can't afford it. Let him stay with grandad least he is safe. Weed appears to help adhd so he will be calm and likely able to talk

which borough do you live it? This organisation has good outcomes

risemutual.org/children-and-young-people/

Neither you nor I can say for sure either way. However it's really likely that removing him from a family member where he wants to be and isn't going missing and placing him with strangers will increase risk of absconding and make him unhappy, at least in the short term.

I know! A teenager with autism, ADHD and emotional regulation difficulties will do SO well in the army 🙄

They choose? Social workers didn't place the child with the grandfather. It's not up to social services where the child lives.

This sounds very familiar! My son is now 16 and lives in care. After a year there, he is much more regulated and I’m very hopeful about his future, but it’s been a very rocky road up until this point.

His social worker deemed that he was a risk to himself and so met the Child Protection criteria. Yours needs to be insisting that good enough parenting isn’t enough, and should be more proactive in getting your son the help and support that he needs.

I would also recommend looking into theraputic parenting if you haven’t come across it yet. It isn’t a quick fix, but I think it would help.

Sending you a huge hug!

What an ignorant response.

You said that residential care would 'probably' lead to more drug use. Such as? Do you think it's like a well staffed drug den for children, or something? He's already smoking weed every day.

Whether he would go MFC depends on the strength of of the placement. If he is placed correctly, he will undoubtedly be safer.

This child doesn't sound particularly happy to me. His short term 'happiness' should not be of OPs concern. His safety is the most important thing right now.

Anybody encouraging this vulnerable 13 year old to continue smoking weed every day to help manage their ADHD needs to take a much more objective look at this situation. Terrible advice.

The army doesn't accept people with autism. Or 13 year olds, for that matter!

It does sound like county lines might be funding him.

It does sound like a residential school might be the best option.

OP, I'm really sorry to hear your story.

You've had lots of advice and suggestions about your DS, which of course is a priority right now.

May I suggest two things:

You need support for your own wellbeing. Who do you have to talk to? Offload on? I wonder if Gingerbread might be able to help? (Support and information for single parent families).

www.gingerbread.org.uk/talk-to-us/

Also, please check in on your DD. This must be a lot for her to deal with, and she needs to know she's safe and cared for.

Wishing you all my best.

Absolute bullshit.

More likely to lead to psychosis.

Weed, especially skunk, triggers mental health issues. It's not a good idea to encourage it.

Both things are true. Cannabis use in teenage years especially where there are existing mental health issues is linked to psychosis. AND people with ADHD often use cannabis to manage ADHD symptoms. It doesn't mean cannabis is a good idea or should be encouraged but it's important to understand why he is drawn to use it.

This is possibly the most terrible piece advice of ever read on here.

This is what I wanted to say

This is excellent advice, have you learned about PDA profile this might be another factor, check out low demand parenting because it might help you make approaches to him that work.
He is autistic, and having to deal with all of this chaos, I don’t think you should focus too much on the weed. I know it’s hard but like a previous poster who is a social worker said, is the least of your problems. The priority is actually your relationship.
strongly recommend contacting CAPA first response, completely amazing organisation that supports parents dealing with violence from their young people, they turned our lives around when my son was being violent to me. Their advice is often very different from what social workers for the police or schools will tell you, but they really know what they’re talking about.
grandad is an arsehole of course. Good luck x

Sadly you're going to have to focus on your younger child and their safety and hope your older son eventually matures and grows out of this stage. You can't have him influencing/abusing your younger kid.
Grandad doesn't sound ideal with letting him be stoned 24/7 but sounds better than being on the streets or in a toxic friends house. Are there any other relatives you could send him to ideally far from your town/city so he can get away from this situation that's dragging him down?

I agree with other posters that although grandad’s home isn’t perfect, if he is happy to stay there and isn’t disappearing off then at least you know where he is when he is there.

The weed use is a separate issue but at the moment isn’t the most pressing, focus in building a relationship with him, being there for him and helping him in whatever ways you can for now- get him a bed, help him clean etc maybe.

You have my sympathy though OP, it is incredibly difficult to get the support you need. My aunt was in the same situation with her eldest, running away, being physically abusive in the home to both parents and other children, drug use, it was a horrifically difficult time and it took her actually going to the social workers office and leaving him there for her to actually get proper assistance but even then that assistance is 1 hours help per day, 4 hours at the weekend. It’s so hard, you just have to try your best x

I'm curious,were there concerns about ASD and possible ADHD before the domestic violence? Has he / is he been able to access any counselling or anything to help him with what he has witnessed? I think the DV he has witnessed is potentially playing a massive part in his behaviours.

I’m going to take a controversial stance on this topic.

Firstly, I’m terribly sorry for the hell you’re going through. You’re obviously tested to your limits.

Secondly, it’s essential you find support for yourself, mental, emotional & physical so that you can get a breather and help bring your anxiety levels down.

My first born DS was similar to yours, caught him smoking weed at 12, self harm, suicidal episodes, hanging with the wrong crowd, moved onto harder drugs. And like you I was beside myself with worry. We did everything we could, drug tested him weekly, no pocket £, grounded him etc. Nothing worked of course. My second biggest fear was that he would introduce weed to his younger brothers. Which of course he did.

Now, here’s the controversial part. Eventually I had to accept I was powerless over his behaviour And 10 years on, I can see things with very different eyes. A lot of my draconian actions were driven by my anxiety over fears for his future, which ended up alienating us and proved to be unfounded. Once I stopped battling with him, things calmed down and we were able to reach consensus on some (not all) things.

The facts
Your son obviously is happy at his Grandads,
You can’t stop him from disappearing or taking drugs.
If you put him into care it will make his life much harder.

i would take a deep, deep breath. Get some supper and sleep and hopefully from that place accept that maybe being at his Grandads is not the worst thing in the world. Obviously it’s not the best. But my boys went to school with others from a very chaotic background (no bed, absent parents etc) and it doesn’t mean that living like this is the end of the world. Maybe he needs an adult male in his life and his Grandad is all he has.

What you’re doing is not working with your son. Do the opposite. Tell him you accept that you can’t change him, but you love him and have the best hopes for his future. This may change your relationship to more of an ally.

i wish you all the very best

Good morning. anotherdayinhell, I started reading this thread during the night and have continued this morning, not finished yet.

I cannot add to what other posters have said, but just want you to know I feel for you and wish you all the very best. x

I’d be hugely concerned that not only is he probably involved in County Lines, but the grandad is the one who has got him into it.

This man has met your son four times in the last 13 years, and suddenly he has taken him in and is plying him with cannabis, with other unrelated adult men, which you say he didn’t use before. That to me screams exploitation rather than genuine grandparent love, and I’m horrified SS and the police haven’t taken further action. What happens when granddad’s friends want paying back for all the weed he’s smoked - do they tell your son to deal/courier for them?

This was my exact thought.
The young 'streetwise' aggressive teen is going to be a perfect dealer for the grandad.

Awful.

Temperament can also be passed down the generations. Is the grandfather the violent ex's father?

If so, a very ''bad lot'', and the child needs removing from this malign influence.