You’re being so strong and brave. You must be beside yourself with worry and you’re under so much stress. It certainly puts other worries into perspective.
Your health and well-being are so important. So, I hope you’re getting access to therapy and eating OK, even though you’re not getting much sleep.
I’m no expert on autism. So, these ideas might be patronising and rubbish.
Is there anyone who could come to stay with you for a while? Or even be at your home a lot? A relative, friend or neighbour? If, whenever your DS is in your home, you and another adult are there being calm, having a laugh and getting on with things, it might change the dynamics and he may feel less pressured and try to control his behaviour a little more. Kids always behave worst to their parents at home.
I know my son at that age reacted to my anxiety and stress by getting stressed and aggressive himself. So, it’d snowball. Whereas if I stayed calm and used humour and deflection (i.e. had a bit of banter about things other than his behaviour, like football) he calmed down. Humour can really help with young people. They always like the teachers best who have a joke with them.
Also, how do you think he’d respond to doing something special with just you every week or so? Special mum and son time. A nice walk somewhere calm and then lunch (I know money’s tight, but maybe a special picnic). Somewhere you can take in nature, perhaps exert yourselves climbing a big hill and admire the view. Not talk about your problems at all, but just be in the moment. If you made it a regular thing, wherever he’s staying, he may look forward to it and it could become a special and safe space for him.
Finally, as he’s too young for a job, could he help out anywhere, where a firm, funny man could take him under his wing a bit. Depends on your DS’s interests and where you live. But preferably outside and doing something physical or looking after someone/something else: boxing gym, football training, farm, plant nursery, landscaper…
It might give him the male role model he might need at that age and get him out of his head a bit, getting some exercise and fresh air. Plus, give him some purpose and pride. Lots of men, if you ask them, will agree to help out, especially ones who’ve gone off the rails themselves when young. My son’s football coach was brilliant and helped a lot of kids. You might need to do a bit of asking around, but could be worth a shot?
I’m sure you do. But tell him you love him every day, wherever he is. Kids never forget that. And it won’t last forever. The teenage years can be very hard for some kids. But they level out eventually. If you stay firm, calm and loving, he’ll appreciate you for it eventually.