My DS (13) is not safe and no-one will listen to me - our relationship is broken

[anotherdayinhell]

Hi All,
Long time poster name changed for obvious reasons. I cant believe I am writing this.

My DS is 13. DD is 6 (different dads) Both disabled in their own way, DS has got autism which was diagnosed around dec 2023, awaiting ADHD result however he 100% has ADHD - would bet my life on it.

The last 3.5 years have been hell, self harm, suicidal thoughts, missing from home episodes, drugs, aggresive and abusive behaviours shown to me. DS dad doesn't bother with him much. DD's dad i have a restraining order against as he was very abusive - we all witnessed horrendous DV from him - him to me witnessed by DS mostly not always physical but that doesn't matter right, it still leaves damage.

In June my DS did a 36 hour long missing from home - i thought he was dead i honestly did - finally found him and then the following week he did 3 more missing in the same evening and the police did actually listen to me when I said i cant stop him he becomes extremely violent and placed him under a police protection order - his grandad (dads side) who he has seen approx 4 times in the whole of this 13 years on earth offered to take him temporarily while social worker put things in place to help me and him....anyway... fast forward to Monday 19th August and i ended up at grandads flat where DS is temporarily staying, he disclosed to me grandad is smoking cannabis with him and giving it to him daily , i made him give me access to his phone (Which he stole off me unknown to me a few months previous and still was logged into all my info facebook insta emails and google photo back up - this is relevant) and checked it, there it was, all the videos and photos of my ds smoking cannabis in grandads flat EVERYDAY, with grandad in the background of some pics/vidoes and another young adult who also lives in the flat. My DS asked me not to tell the social worker/police however I knew I didn't have a choice, grandad clearly leaving him alone everyday all day to go to work, he's smoking weed everyday ALOT of weed and he is clearly being neglected (no bed sleeping on the sofa, dirty flat, he looked disgusting when i went around) - and to make it even better for myself (so I could investigate further as it was my phone he stole at some point previously all his pictures and videos were backed up to my cloud so i was able to save them). Spent 2 days with my son as I forced him to come home with me that day - no restrictions on this as i still have PR and nothing stating he cant be at home. He wanted to return to grandads tuesday PM - we made a deal that when he was due to see the social worker on Thursday he would tell her the truth - if he didn't i would be forced to disclose. He didnt tell the truth. Saturday I reported to social and the police everything above and supplied evidence....and then Tuesday the social worker was due to come and speak with me - she says there's not enough evidence and the police are not concerned about the cannabis but my DS has made serious physical abuse allegegations against me - including allegations that I have harmed his DS my DD also and he has concerns. This is all untrue. Grandad become aware Sunday that the police had been informed regarding all the evidence i had and it just seems to me that they have now come up with these allgeations to try and distract from my evidence?
I don't know. My heads spinning and my sons not safe in that flat however DS would not come with me and i cant force him home because he would essentially go missing again and/or make more false allegations about me.

The allegations hes made about me are very serious - to be honest I am not worried about them as I know they didnt happen - im more worried now about why hes made them, and what are they going to do to help him as the enviroment hes in at the moment is neglectful....

Dont really know why im posting- its full of typos and im probably going to get a few bullshit posts back in response. All I know is im so worried no one is listening to my concerns about grandad and his flat and no one is helping me and after these horrendous allegations my ds has made i dont know we will ever be able to move past them .
I am heartbroken.

A person I know had their child put into care to get them away from county lines pushers. It might be better for your son to be in care, to get him away from grandad and his influence.

I agree with a few pp.
Work with social services, not against them. You reported the cannabis to them, and they have responded that they are not that concerned with it, so I would let that go for now. It is very common for young people with ADHD to self medicate with cannibis, as it helps correct their dopamine deficit, reduces impulsive behaviours and increases focus. The fact that your DS is staying there without disappearing and is even doing chores for pocket money are positive net gains and he is safer there than in care.

His grandfather is providing a safety net for your DS. I’d work with the grandfather to make the living situation nicer for DS. DS is doing chores to help keep it clean. Get his bed over there and some sort of bedroom or living space for him. Push for the ADHD assessment because once he has ADHD medication, he won’t be needing the cannibis. A thought is that grandfather may have undiagnosed ADHD and so even this may be part of him trying to help DS the best way he knows.

OP, I’m an ADHDer and it is a severe mental health disability. Your dealing with a son who has series MH issues that are wrecking his life.

The advice below is useful long term but won’t be much use if he is yet to be diagnosed and medicated as your son will still suffer from emotional disregulation and impulsivity. I’d either put the assessment and initial meds on a credit card or go back to your doctor and see if your son can be seen much quicker via Right to Choose.

I'd move, uproot both children and settle a long way from dealer grandfather and dodgy friends

The situation your son is in is incredibly serious. Your OH and his family sound like the other half of my family who clearly have ADHD and are driven by risk taking behaviour. Many don’t make it past 30 as the effect the illegal drugs have on their heart result in them dying prematurely from heart disease.

You can’t fight him, so support him. It’s not ideal but clean up grandads, get him clean clothes, food, speak to grandad if possible about a bed, toothbrush, washing. What about collecting him for school - optimistic maybe.

OP I feel for you, but roll with him, not against him. Try and help, a rod of steel just adds injury.

Jesus. I am so sorry. I think you are getting good practical advice here; it sounds like you need a good, practical ally 'on the ground' as well.

You've done brilliantly to get him a school place, so maybe you are already aware of what services there are local to you? I'd be looking for advocacy specifically and maybe see if you can get on to your LA support services/social work. Perhaps speak to the school re local options?

I can't believe the police think it's ok for a 13 year old to be in that environment and smoke cannabis. Sorry, I really feel for you.

When you have a bit of head space, it might be worth looking here: www.pdasociety.org.uk/about-us-landing/our-ambassador/. Some of this acting out sounds very familiar to me: my own child of the same age has just been unofficially diagnosed with this and it's made a lot of sense to us.

Lastly, however you may feel about it, you're amazing and I am in awe of you. You have had and continue to have some massive challenges to deal with, and you've done it alone. Please take care of yourself. I hope you can get the support you need and deserve.

Make it clear to SS that they either support you or you relinquish care to protect your dd

What do you mean by this? Have you read the OP? They are supporting her and she doesn't have him in her care now.

I can't believe the police think it's ok for a 13 year old to be in that environment and smoke cannabis

I doubt they or anyone thinks it's ok but what's the alternative?

@anotherdayinhell it sounds absolutely horrendous and I hope you find a way through it.

It is clear you need joined up suppprt from Social Services, CAMHS, Education Authority and the Police. I would venture contacting your local MP. They should run a constituency clinic where you can make an appointment. Very often they can help advocate for you and the various agencies get a metaphorical kick in the backside when an MP gets some letters written and they have to respond. This sort of advocacy can often help get the dots joined up. Helping constituents with this sort of stuff is part of their job and they have staff on-hand to assist them.

It would also be worth finding out who your local councillors are too and writing to them, copied to the Chair of the Education, SS and Police Liaison committees. It will all be on your local council's website.

God, sorry I somehow skimmed past the social worker involvement. Apologies.

I am sure they think it is the best option for now. It’s better than the streets. It’s better than “dodgy” mates who may rope him into a life of crime. It’s better than a residential care home. It’s better than him running off and dying through suicidal impulse. Sometimes you have to work with what you have.

I don’t think having him at home without any further help is the answer. But I do recommend you read Sarah Naish’s book on therapeutic parenting and once SS have concluded and cleared you from the investigation persue with them a therapeutic environment for your son. Specialist residential school might be the best option for him but they are expensive for LA so you would need to fight for it. I’m assuming he has an EHCP so ask for an urgent review.

I know you say dad doesn't bother but what does he have to say about this situation, especially the road his dad is taking DS down? Are there any other male role models that would help you? I'm sure you've explored this though.

Sending sympathy op. I'm sorry your son's grandad is letting him down like this. Despite this, I think leaving him with his grandad might be the least worst option. Social services know about him and know about the cannabis. Maybe take a step back to regroup and look after yourself and your daughter, get a new job and engage with all the organisations that others have recommended upthread.

Very helpful advice ... I wonder why op didn't think of this in the first place!! 🤔

Absolutely not true that being in a residential children's home would lead him to him being more unsafe and unhappier.

Edited to delete as I quoted wrong post

Excellent and realistic advice, IMO.

A lot of posters have said move and if that is an option it might be the best one.

But it’s glib to say just move - it is much easier said than done.

Do you have a job/ supports where you are that would make moving difficult.

Can you get accommodation somewhere else?

Do you have supportive friends or family somewhere else?

I think the situation with grandad is very destructive but if the options are that, on the streets or in care, sadly the ‘care’ of grandad may be the best option.

I would fight for the residential school option though, it could be the answer.

Good luck, I really feel for you

I was advised against all of this by police and social workers when I was in a similar situation. County lines became a very real problem when I restricted access to money and the police advised to continue to give money so they would have less of a hold.
Moving was discussed but it was agreed it wasn’t beneficial to uproot myself and you get child from support networks, job, school etc knowing that older child would probably get on the first train back anyway.

This sounds horribly stressful.

Kindly, taking your son back home is likely not the right solution. He's a risk to your DD and you. It's hard because you want to protect him, but having him back home will mean failing to protect your other child.

My brother was autistic, ADHD, used drugs from a young age and was violent to his sister. There's an age gap, so I'd left home by the time it started. My sister moved out and lived with me from when she turned 16. She has no relationship with her parents (we only share one parent) as a result of being unprotected. My brother's needs still take priority in the family, they haven't learnt. He's an addict and a criminal.

The choices here are either to work with him living at granddad's for now even though it isn't ideal, or look into residential schools/care if that's not going to be possible. Protect your other child and do the best you can to ensure DS is safe enough. With the best of intentions in saying this, no solution here is going to be ideal for anyone.

OMG poor you. You have done everything right imo. Some people have given some links to support organisations above, do try them. But imo the social services are letting you down (I'm not surprised from my own experiences with them and their couldn't care less attitude). I'd suggest you try and escalate a level or two above that with which you are currently dealing with. Write to your local Councillor and MP too. Hopefully someone gets you the help you need.
Is there a better "father figure" that can take your son under their wing? Your brother, father, uncle, neighbour, whatever? Some lads need a male role model who can introduce them to things like football clubs, archery, rugby, chess... anything that triggers a positive interest in life.
Good luck, thoughts are with you.

Sending ‘troublesome’ children off to the army so they can be bullied into submission should surely be a thing of the past!

I’m sorry, this sounds so hard for you.
I’d second Barnardo’s , and I think a residential school place is a priority to fight for ( tho everything shouldn’t be a fight)
Point out to SS that the cannabis use is potentially damaging to his MH. His grandfather could also be dealing and ask the SW , repeatedly if necessary, if that is the environment they choose to leave a child in.

Hi OP,
I have great sympathy for you. Your son is on the end of the extreme behaviour range but we are seeing so many issues like his in his year group at my school.
In my role I work with all the services and the local authority and there are cases like your son whom we just don't seem to be able to help, no matter what we do. The thing is I am part of a wider team and when things are tough I have support. I don't think you have much or any support.
I wish I could help, please though reach out and get support for yourself, and please try to retain your employment. You have done everything you can.
Please follow the advice of a poster and keep seeing your son and telling him you love him. You can't remove him from his grandfather so you need to find a way to accept this for now.
I'm so sorry this is happening to your family.