My DS (13) is not safe and no-one will listen to me - our relationship is broken

[anotherdayinhell]

Hi All,
Long time poster name changed for obvious reasons. I cant believe I am writing this.

My DS is 13. DD is 6 (different dads) Both disabled in their own way, DS has got autism which was diagnosed around dec 2023, awaiting ADHD result however he 100% has ADHD - would bet my life on it.

The last 3.5 years have been hell, self harm, suicidal thoughts, missing from home episodes, drugs, aggresive and abusive behaviours shown to me. DS dad doesn't bother with him much. DD's dad i have a restraining order against as he was very abusive - we all witnessed horrendous DV from him - him to me witnessed by DS mostly not always physical but that doesn't matter right, it still leaves damage.

In June my DS did a 36 hour long missing from home - i thought he was dead i honestly did - finally found him and then the following week he did 3 more missing in the same evening and the police did actually listen to me when I said i cant stop him he becomes extremely violent and placed him under a police protection order - his grandad (dads side) who he has seen approx 4 times in the whole of this 13 years on earth offered to take him temporarily while social worker put things in place to help me and him....anyway... fast forward to Monday 19th August and i ended up at grandads flat where DS is temporarily staying, he disclosed to me grandad is smoking cannabis with him and giving it to him daily , i made him give me access to his phone (Which he stole off me unknown to me a few months previous and still was logged into all my info facebook insta emails and google photo back up - this is relevant) and checked it, there it was, all the videos and photos of my ds smoking cannabis in grandads flat EVERYDAY, with grandad in the background of some pics/vidoes and another young adult who also lives in the flat. My DS asked me not to tell the social worker/police however I knew I didn't have a choice, grandad clearly leaving him alone everyday all day to go to work, he's smoking weed everyday ALOT of weed and he is clearly being neglected (no bed sleeping on the sofa, dirty flat, he looked disgusting when i went around) - and to make it even better for myself (so I could investigate further as it was my phone he stole at some point previously all his pictures and videos were backed up to my cloud so i was able to save them). Spent 2 days with my son as I forced him to come home with me that day - no restrictions on this as i still have PR and nothing stating he cant be at home. He wanted to return to grandads tuesday PM - we made a deal that when he was due to see the social worker on Thursday he would tell her the truth - if he didn't i would be forced to disclose. He didnt tell the truth. Saturday I reported to social and the police everything above and supplied evidence....and then Tuesday the social worker was due to come and speak with me - she says there's not enough evidence and the police are not concerned about the cannabis but my DS has made serious physical abuse allegegations against me - including allegations that I have harmed his DS my DD also and he has concerns. This is all untrue. Grandad become aware Sunday that the police had been informed regarding all the evidence i had and it just seems to me that they have now come up with these allgeations to try and distract from my evidence?
I don't know. My heads spinning and my sons not safe in that flat however DS would not come with me and i cant force him home because he would essentially go missing again and/or make more false allegations about me.

The allegations hes made about me are very serious - to be honest I am not worried about them as I know they didnt happen - im more worried now about why hes made them, and what are they going to do to help him as the enviroment hes in at the moment is neglectful....

Dont really know why im posting- its full of typos and im probably going to get a few bullshit posts back in response. All I know is im so worried no one is listening to my concerns about grandad and his flat and no one is helping me and after these horrendous allegations my ds has made i dont know we will ever be able to move past them .
I am heartbroken.

No useful advice op, but wishing you and your family the best

He needs a good male role model or the army.

Considering he is 13 military services isn’t an option!

The males in his life are drug and violent thugs, so please stop with the idiotic comments 🤯

Yes, I agree with this. This is what I'd do. I'm not sure on timelines but as son already has an ehcp, it might not be too difficult. Hopefully helplines could advise? Or local SENDIASS helpline?

Other than that, I just wanted to say you are doing everything you can. I wish you well. Other thing you could look into is helplines for county lines if you think your son could have been exploited to sell drugs parents.actionforchildren.org.uk/feelings-behaviour/safety-wellbeing/what-is-county-lines-drug-trafficking/

To be fair the army comment isn't a bad idea. Would he consider joining the cadets? The army certainly did a whole lot of good for my cousin who enjoyed throwing bricks off motorway bridges at one point. Is the army / navy / RAF something that interests him op?

The residential education idea as PP said is a good plan. It may take a bit of time to sort but would be worth it

Sending you a big hug op. Agree you need to move. Cut contact with grandad, get rid of all phones and restart elsewhere. What other family do you have?? Can you ask someone else to take your dd so she can be somewhere calm whilst you sort this out. I’d also complain about the social worker. Some good advice here and support. sending you love x

Poor you, this is the system failing badly, and none of us can really be surprised. I wish you all the very best because I fear not much support is actually available, as such.

OP does granddad have any redeeming qualities? Is he at all open to working as a team? I understand that he has shown terrible judgement - and the current situation is horrendous - but I am also wondering if going into care could potentially be worse. Would DS be open to 50/50? Or you visiting often? I know this sounds bonkers but I have seen these situations become far worse. Just a thought.

Barnardo’s the charity might be worth contacting too. https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/support-for-parents-and-carers

I agree with PPs on this thread about a residential school. Barnardo’s runs 2.

The seemingly permissive attitude about cannabis, which you have experienced from the social worker is something that rightly concerns you. Cannabis is a controlled drug. There’s been a high profile campaign - Leah’s Law - only recently, which has resulted in sentencing guidelines changing this year so if someone supplies a controlled drug to a child under 16 it’s seen as an aggravating factor when it comes to sentencing. It needs to be taken seriously. What that pathetic excuse of a grandparent and the other person living in the flat are doing is morally and legally wrong. At the very least the cannabis use is not helping with the extreme behaviour you’ve seen in your son.

You said about your job being at risk? Are work fully aware of how extreme the situation is? Some of the time you’ve had off probably would or should have been classed as time off for dependants. I’m an employee relations specialist (HR) and the circumstances you’re describing are the sort I’d be advising any employer to tread very carefully around. One of my former employers got into bother a few years before I joined over disability discrimination by association because they’d disciplined someone for time off relating to a disabled child. It tends to be a forgotten consideration. There has also been a development with associative discrimination this year too and some unchartered territory exists. Not the sort of thing any employer should really be wanting to test the waters with really!
Another helpline but possibly worth contacting is Working Families.

Make sure you’re caring for yourself OP. I hope you have people you can count on for support around you.

I’m so sorry OP, this is utterly tragic and must be so heart breaking for you. I cannot believe the police don’t care about him smoking weed with his GF - he’s 13 and vulnerable for God’s sake. If he was doing it at your house no doubt SS and they would be stepping in to remove him and DD from a harmful environment. Maddening.

I hope you get the support you need from the correct agencies - can’t believe they’re effectively gaslighting you! Have you tried ringing the NSPCC or even Childline?

Do you really think he would be safer in a children's home? I know you don't want him with grandad and that's understandable but what's the alternative? He's a risk to DD and he's made allegations about you. Plus you can't keep him safe. Going into a children's home, even if social services would agree to provide one (unlikely) would probably lead to more missing, more drug use and more unhappiness on his part. I think you need to push for more CAMHS support including the ADHD assessment and see if there is any medication he could try that might reduce his compulsion to smoke cannabis. It's well known that cannabis is often used by ADHDers to manage symptoms.

I think you should push for social services to take son into residential care, you can’t handle him and he is at serious risk at granddads. I really don’t think you should try to get him home. And you should focus your energy on your DD. I’m so sorry your son is like this but it’s just way beyond you being able to do anything now and he poses too much risk to you and DD.

At the moment, it sounds like he is safer with grandad than you. Not because of the allegations or that Grandads is suitable but because if he was forcibly returned to you, he would go missing again and put himself at serious risk. However, grandads is clearly not a long term option and needs addressing asap.

What is the current legal situation? The police protection would have expired ages ago. Have you signed a section 20 or are their legal orders in place. Who currently has responsibility for him? Has there/will there be a child protection conference?
You need more information from the social worker about what the plan is because it can’t carry on indefinitely.

Honestly, I don’t think he should live with you because not only are you unable to manage him (this is not a criticism), but you also have to protect your DD. I’m not sure foster care would be much safer because he sounds like he’d run from that too. Residential care would probably be the best option but I doubt CS would put him there if there is an adult relative willing to have him.

If you can afford it, it might be worth getting some legal advice. In the mean time, get as much clarity from the social worker as you can about what is going on and what is going to happen and keep phoning the police if you receive further info he is at risk or has gone from grandads.

Ok so I have a diff take on this versus the early replies.

He has no absconded from his grandads, so you know where he is. That's a huge positive.

Weed obviously helps him even if we of us like him doing it, it clearly provides him the dopamine he craves. That's a huge positive.

It's interesting, but if your son is reflective, weed can help him reset his mind. I don't know how it works, maybe a psychiatrist can advise, but I know it did for my DS who is now not suicidal and is living life without it.

My suggestion is to leave him with his grandad. Visit frequently. Support him.

The place needs cleaning. This is a huge negative, so focus on getting help for that and maybe a bed for him.

I don't know what to suggest about their accusations against you. That's as a result of your grassing them up. You need to talk it through with them, but you need a more open mind about how he is now living and the safety net his grandad is or isn't putting in place.

You cannot manage your child. Take the help offered. He's 13 not 30. His life isn't ruined. He is going through a bad reaction to puberty etc. Help his grandad create good boundaries for him and develop resilience.

Be a parent not a judge and jury.

This is along the lines of what i was about to say only probably better put!

The only thing I'd add is to try and expedite the ADHD assessment. Diagnosis and effective medication could have a big impact here. He's essentially self medicating at the moment by the sounds of things.

Army cadets

There has to be others she can research, via charities or sign post from social services.

As whatever she doing is not working. He is 13 years old and needs a good make role model.

I agree with the PP, instead of railing against him being at grandad's, try and support him there? Your DS needs to know you love him despite everything and that he can get help and recover from his traumatic childhood.
Work on building bridges.
I'm a SW with teens btw and work with kids in county lines and so on. Weed is the least of your worries.

Take this advice from someone who grew up with a sibling how you are describing (four years older than me, six years older than my sister). Do not have him back in the house for the sake of your other child. She will live in fear for the rest of her life and it will have a significant impact on her. She deserves to feel safe in her home.

My brother ended up being fostered out at aged 14, lived with a man who showed him a trade and he stayed with him until aged 16.
Maybe look at the options (this was back in early 2000’s unsure what’s about now)

Have you, social services or the police considered County lines could also be a factor?

Some of the behaviour sounds like that is a strong possibility, especially frequently going missing and being able to have money.

https://www.nationalcrimeagency.gov.uk/what-we-do/crime-threats/drug-trafficking/county-lines

https://www.childrenssociety.org.uk/what-we-do/our-work/child-criminal-exploitation-and-county-lines/what-is-county-lines

Handhold OP, he sounds so like my nephew. It is impossible to get the help from anywhere we found. The only thing we think would possibly have helped is a specialist residential school. In our case the local education authority didn't act quickly enough when a very rare space became available DN was accepted for.

I will say though that at age 15-16 he calmed down a little bit and is now much calmer. He still isn't in education but the daily police visits have stopped. He stays with my dmum quite a bit, in the past we couldn't allow that as he was too much for her.

Make it clear to SS that they either support you or you relinquish care to protect your dd. Investigate residential schools that specialise in autism and behavioural issues, if his needs are great enough your LEA has to fund it.

I feel for you so much, I don’t know what else you can do but consistently be there for your DS but you’re right you have to consider DDs safety and well being too.
i think all you can do is keep on reporting re the grandad and the living situation there
Your DS is still a child but I get that at 13 and him being bigger than you you can’t just force him to come home and stay there.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I do agree with others that he cannot come back to you, and residential care would be worse, so the best thing may be to support him staying at his Grandfather's home. Tell him you love him, and let him be. focus on giving your little girl a really stable life. You have done your best for your boy, and I hope he comes back to you, ready to rebuild, but right now think about you and your daughter.

I too think this is the approach you take.
you don’t like him being with his grandad but take a harm minimisation approach and do what you can to support him there.
get it cleaned up if possible, food etc

When school starts, I'd call and ask them to hold an Early Annual Review. Ensure Social Care, Casework and maybe a representative from the Youth Offending team attend as well as the school. Ask to talk about change of placement to a residential option. A 24/7 curriculum might really help your DS.