Husband manhood pride, he rather sacrifice time with me over his manhood pride.

[stayathomewife]

Sorry before I go on, I just want to say there might be cultural difference here, as I am Asian. My husband is not, but my husband is not Westerners neither.

Me [F40] Husband [M39] has a Master in Chemical Engineering, makes 185K a year take home after tax. He the type of man that take pride in be the provider, that just how he put his self-worth, on his career and be the provider. During his proposal to our marriage, he very clear said: "Why does he wants his wife to work when he makes enough for his wife to stay home."

Yes, I have to say this so you get the gist of how his mindset is and his manhood pride. We are married 12 years, together 14 years.

4 years ago his mom whom old (over 80 years old) had a hemorrhagic stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze. He is the only son (his father and his older sister both deceased),

Since his mom stroke happened for the past 4 years, he has been working 12 hours a day, 84 hours a week, just so he has enough money to pay for her PRIVATE Nursing Home where she can get one to one care with doctors and a team or nurses care for her full time around the clock, and pay for her medical care.

Private Nursing Home with a team or nurses care for an elderly whom quadriplegia paralyze all around the clock are not in any way cheap. Basically 85% of his working income go straight to his mom care.

He told me he loves me very much but he wants me to understand that he only has ONE mother, he cannot not care for her. I get it I do. BUT him working 84 hours a week since his mom stroke is him taking out quality time of us.

I have inheritance from my Chinese businessman father, both my parents already deceased, they lave half the money to me and half to my older brother. I do have a decent inheritance. I want to use it to help my husband at least help pay for some of her Private Nursing home, so he can work less hours, and more time with me.
And also for his health in the long run too, work 84 hours a week is not the answer.

He get defensive that it is not my job to care for his mom, he not want to burden me, it is HIS job as he is her biological son. And he never want a penny help from a woman's money. But I am his wife though. Basically his manhood pride.

I love my husband, but this is hard, he gone12 hours a day, so 84 hours a week he gone. And he also take his quadriplegia paralyze mother to Dialysis too 4x times a week, and each time Dialysis is 5 hours process, so 20 more hours a week total. So total of him gone 100 hours a week from me.

I don't know how to get him to swallow his manhood pride, and accept my inheritance money to help his mom, so he can work less hours.

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In all fairness to him, he still is a devoted husband like how he always been in the last 12 years as a husband, he still does laundry, he dotes me to the point he literally handwash my underwear (cultural thing).

He work in Petroleum-chemical process plant, his clothes smell like hazardous chemicals after, he shower after work, and he always want me to join him (it has nothing to do with sex as we never have shower sex).
In the shower he literally kneels down on his knee and cleans and rubs my feet and calves. And wash my hair, he even comb my hair after shower.
I guess because he 14 inches taller than me so he has to kneel down on his knee to rubs my feet and calves.

He did it again this morning, while he kneel on his knee rubs my calves he apologized to me that he has to take his mom to Dialysis later, and that he knows I want more time with him, but this is the remaining time has left with his mom in this world.

On the 4 days of his mom Dialysis he gone 17 hours (12 hours work + 5 hours of her Dialysis).
On the 3 days not have her Dialysis, he gone 12 hours work.

He still desire me to has sex with him, we still have sex regularly, right now it every other day, on the days he not take his mom to Dialysis.

I just hate it that he is an awesome husband, a great provider,
but because of his manhood pride, he not want my inheritance help and rather work 84 hours a week just so he can have enough money to pay for his mom Private Nursing Home.
It like my inheritance touch his manhood or something, his 'not want to use a penny of a woman's money'. But I am his wife.

I'm at my wits end, is there anything I can do about this? I have no ground to give him an ultimatum as he is a devoted husband to me, I just don't like it how he work 84 hours a week.

When I vent to a friend, my friend said what makes you think he will choose to spend more time with a HEALTHY wife, than his quadriplegia paralyze mother who is dying,
as the kidney specialist told him his mom only has 1-2 years left at most due to her end stage kidney failure, it will get to the stage where no amount of Dialysis can help her, and she will die.

Am I basically just have no options in this?

Not just that.
see dictionary definition

It been 4 years since his mom stroke that leave her paralyze, is he run to his mom like this. And 4 years already, I feel that I'm almost reaching my limits. I know she only has 2 years left due to her kidney disease progression,. But there no 100% guanrantee. And ofcourse I not want her to die, I want her to live forever with us, BUT my husband is just know how to balance between him his mom and me.

I don't mind give all my inheritance money to help his mom, that how much I love him. But his manhood, he hella defensive, like I offended his pride of never use a penny of a woman's money. But I am his wife though.

You're saying she has all the expensive carers and nurses etc, but yet your husband deals with all her incontinence needs and has to physically lift and transport her to and from the dialysis place without any help?
Also you seem absolutely obsessed with money. Whole claiming you have no interest in it. Banging on about your inheritance from your father who was an important businessman. Have you ever worked? I can see why you might feel you have no decision making power.
The way you speak of his mum, and elderly people in general makes you sound rather uncompassionate and cold. But I can see the frustration this has caused you.

I don't think you will persuade him to reduce the time he has with his mother.

But to ease the burden on him, could you do anything more at home so that when he is there you can relax together? E.g. the laundry or other jobs.

And similarly if possible use your money to reduce the financial burden on him elsewhere e.g. filling up the vehicles with fuel, paying whatever bills his pride will allow

ok I know I wrote alot so it hard to read through. I will try to write it shorter.

His mom is in Private Nursing home where she has all around the clock care while she at the Nursing home.

But she has the rights to go live with her son 2 days out of a month, and she does live in our home 2 days out of the month. And that 2 days are my husband 2 days off work and he care for her 24/7 in that 2 days.

No he not want a nurse to come, he wants to do those stuff for his mother, to him it son-mother quality time together, as this is the last months/years he had left with his mom on this Earth,.

Like a previous poster, I'm a bit confused. Why is he paying for round-the-clock care and still doing so much of the care himself? How is he managing to do all that care and work such long hours, not to mention wash your underwear and help you wash as well? There seems to be so much stuff going on here I can barely see how it all fits together.

Thank you so much for your help. I will do, I do all stuff around the house, except laundry, as he is a Chemical Engineer and his clothes smell like hazardous chemicals at the end of the day, and he prefer to do it, as me do laundry not match up with his Standards.

We don't have much bills to pay. He bought his home with his Savings, we do not have any mortgage. So no mortgage.
Both are cars are paid off too.
We both are debt-free, none of us have debt of any kind.

We do have bills, like electricity, gas, water, trash, internet, cell phones, car insurance, food (but how much do 2 people eat).
We fine on the money issue.

It just the balance with his mom.

And I am not obsess with money, I said about my father inheritance to get the point across because I keep ask why I not work to help him.
I am sorry but I don't live off his money, he has no money anyways after pay for his mom care. He went from 185K take home income, and 150K go straight to his mom care. He only has 35K left a year.

II said in my OP that my husband pride want to be a provider and it will hurt his ego if I work, it will be constant arguing by him to me if I work. And right now is not the time to argue, his mom is dying.

And I have stuff to do at home to lessen his burden, groceries, cook, run errands for him, he gone so much at work, then take his mom to Dialysis, someone has to run errands for him.

I just wish he let me help him with my inheritance.

Emotional manipulation is the only way.

Just do the laundry when he is out.
He will come back and it will be done.

When he says it's his job tell him you are unhappy and it made you happy to do it sometimes so he should let you do it sometimes. Add in that: There wasn't that much anyway.

And then do it practically all the time. While telling him it was practically nothing.

If he is annoyed at you just tell him 'It makes me happy to do it. Stop being selfish. I want to do it. You're making me sad. You know how it makes you happy to care for your mum, well it makes me happy to care for you" or somesuch.

Are there other ways you can cut back financially so he doesn't have to work so long? For example if you get expensive hair salons, nail salons, massages etc for yourself can you reduce them so there's more money in the joint account and you can say to him look at our bank balance you don't have to work so much we have lots of money, reduce your hours.

I answered in my replies, but I answer again.

His mom is in Private Nursing home where she has all around the clock care while she at the Nursing home.

But she has the rights to go live with her son 2 days out of a month, and she does live in our home 2 days out of the month. And that 2 days are my husband 2 days off work and he care for her 24/7 in that 2 days.

No he not want a nurse to come, he wants to do those stuff for his mother, to him it son-mother quality time together, as this is the last months/years he had left with his mom on this Earth,.
............

He work in Petroleum-chemical process plant, his clothes smell like hazardous chemicals after, he wants to do laundry, as me do laundry not match up with his Standards.

As for he handwash my underwear it because it is my delicate stuff, he not want it with his chemical clothes, I cannot stop a man handwash my underwear and bra when he does laundry.

You can stop him. It's creepy.

Are you thick? The whole point of the post is that her husband's pride will not allow her to financially contribute.
*edited to say - she has the funds and wants to help.

Will try that step of yours, lol. He did get mad last time I touch laundry though, perhaps I just don't do it up to his standards on how laundry should be done.

As for he handwash my underwear it because it is my delicate stuff, he not want it with his chemical clothes, I cannot stop a man handwash my underwear and bra when he does laundry.

I never get my nails done, or even my hair done, I never wear make up a day in my life. I don't even go shopping beside Asian supermarkets to buy groceries and cook. I am an introvert, I hate shopping as the mall too many people.

I don't even spend his money, unless you mean I go to Chinese supermarkets to buy groceries so both of us can eat is spend his money.

@stayathomewife its a really hard place to be in.
He clearly values the fact he can support his mum. And he clearly want to spend time with her.
But he is doing that at the detriment of his family.

The good thing is that you have some income yourself so the crippling cost of healthcare isn’t going to ruin you - which it could have of the nursing cost is eating 85% of his income.
The big issue is that he doesn’t see the impact it has on his family.

I know you said he is very proud. And proud that he can ensure his mum is well looked after.
Is there anything else that is as important to him as that? Like his dcs maybe?
Trying to see if there is another angle that would help him see he shouldn’t carry on working like that, fir your sake as a family and for his sake too.

I mean, an obvious answer is to try and ride it on for the next two years but it’s always near impossible to be accurate in ‘guessing’ how .ong someone will live. What if she defies the odds and lives much longer? I’m sure your dh would be delighted but I’m also not sure either your marriage or his health would cope 😢

Thank you for your understanding.

I am not here to debate about what creepy or not, or he handwash my underwear when he does laundry, I have already say this is a cultural thing. The reason why I include that in my OP is I want to get my point across that he is a doting husband, he does housework too, not just do nothing when he home.
And it because he does his job as a husband, I have no ground to stop him from care for his mom.

He is not letting me help in anyway financially, I am not living off his money, my buisnessman father when alive makes more money than the Engineer him.

I love him so much that I can give him my whole inheritance to help pay for his mom Private Nursing home till she die,
in exchange that he work less hours, for his health in the long run too.
But he not allow me.

His mindset of never use a penny of a woman's money. But i am his wife. If you can help me how to get through him?

Tbf id want his clothes to be washed separately too!
My dh does the same with some his stuff (that’s more like grease and mud etc… with him but anything would come out dirtier if they were cleaned wih his stuff)

Had your relationship with your husband always been like this or has it changed?
Your relationship with your husband is very unusual. He is too proud to accept your help and yet you threaten to throw jugs of water in his face and smash up plates etc and his response is to throw water on his own face to satisfy your urge?

so he's both too proud and very submissive to your emotions - which is why I wondered if it had always been this way?

@myrtleWilson is it really that hard to realise and accept that not all cultures function the same than ours?
And to just accept it rather than judge?

Right this is my worry, he will run himself to the ground, if he got sick, there be no one to care for his mom, let alone care for me.
His manhood pride is just too much.

He makes 185K a year take home, and 150K is go straight to his mom, he only has 35K a year left.
I am ok with that, as I love him, not love his money. And I have my father inheritance as well as a house in China myself.

Also I am unhappy how he has 2 days off a month, and he gives it all to his mom. I explained it my last page, when his mom here with us in our house in that 2 days is he care for her 24/7 and neglect me.
Yes, when she here with us in our house is he spoon feed her, change her diapers, does everything for her as she paralyze.

He not want any help from a nurse as he said this is the 2 days time a month of him and his mom, he wants to do all that for his mom.

And yes, after 2 days she will go back to her Nursing home and there at Nursing home there a team of nurses care for her while she at the nursing home.

I think the biggest problem here is that your MIL wants her son at her bedside all the time, she doesn’t seem to realise the impact this has on him, his marriage, you. If she was of a different mindset she could say, look son, you are running yourself into the ground, i don’t want you here all the time. But she doesn’t and he carries the heavy burden of complying with her wishes and being there for everything, all the time.
You have no money issues so all those things, like taking her to dialysis centre etc could be outsourced, potentially.
I suspect this is a cultural issue, i could never make my kids sacrifice their lives like that for me, neither would my parents.
Given the way things are, im really not sure if you can change anything. You might just have to ride it out for 1-2 years which might be doable. I really feel for your DH and you cause he must be absolutely knackered all the time and worried sick.

ok I do not know why you bring up my post around my tantrums that I slam things on the floor and he kneel down and pick it all up. I am sorry maybe in Asian culture men are "scare of wife".

This has nothing to do with my post about my MIL, if you want to talk about last time I slam things on the floor and he kneel down on his knee to pick it up, then go to that thread of mine.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5142062-is-he-an-enabler-or-he-just-so-good-at-diffuse-the-situation-is-there-a-way-to-change-him

I leave this thread here, please leave thattopic alone. I ask for help with my MIL.

You are a grown women why on earth does he need to care for you, your life is being kept like a doll

This all sounds very warped

As you have plenty of money which you're happy to use to help your husband, would using a professional laundry service for his work clothes be an option - the kind of service where they collect and deliver when it's done?

You should definitely have another discussion about whether you can take some of the strain with regards to the dialysis appointments (if this is something you're happy to do).

The private nursing home will help you get into the van, and hospital porters can help you out the other end. Or the nursing home can even help you book transport - either non-emergency ambulance, or round here we have a charity specifically for taking people to hospital appointments.

I understand (and applaud) that he doesn't want to burden you with this. But it's not a burden if you're offering, especially if you're allowed to take back that offer if it turns out to be too much. You could try to explain that you're already finding it a burden not being able to help out, and never seeing him.

It is a cultural issue, hence in my OP I said already I am Chinese, Asian culture.

Right my MIL can be selfish, it like she has this fear if he not care for her she has no one left to care. I mean it true since his dad already died, and his older sister died too.

Every two weeks is she also remind him of pay for her Private Nursing home, as she said if he not pay she has no nurses care for her in Private Nursing home. Which he calmly told her that he has set it to Auto Pay, every month his Checking account money will go straight to the Nursing home to pay, she not have to worry, as it Auto Pay.

I share this with you so you can see how his mom is, she can be selfish. omg, let me tell you this.
one time I ask her what if one day her son has to work out of state and can't be here physically care for her (it just a question, he will never leave his mom while she sick like this).
You know what she said? Well remind him every month to pay for her Private Nursing home every month, then he can go work out of state.

My jaw drop Mrs. it like all he is to her is to pay for her Private Nursing home since her stroke.

I am sorry, I don't need him care for me financially. But he is my husband, he has to care for me emotionally.

I don't want to debate about this okay, I ask about his mom and him not want to accept my inheritance to help his mom.