Husband manhood pride, he rather sacrifice time with me over his manhood pride.

[stayathomewife]

Sorry before I go on, I just want to say there might be cultural difference here, as I am Asian. My husband is not, but my husband is not Westerners neither.

Me [F40] Husband [M39] has a Master in Chemical Engineering, makes 185K a year take home after tax. He the type of man that take pride in be the provider, that just how he put his self-worth, on his career and be the provider. During his proposal to our marriage, he very clear said: "Why does he wants his wife to work when he makes enough for his wife to stay home."

Yes, I have to say this so you get the gist of how his mindset is and his manhood pride. We are married 12 years, together 14 years.

4 years ago his mom whom old (over 80 years old) had a hemorrhagic stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze. He is the only son (his father and his older sister both deceased),

Since his mom stroke happened for the past 4 years, he has been working 12 hours a day, 84 hours a week, just so he has enough money to pay for her PRIVATE Nursing Home where she can get one to one care with doctors and a team or nurses care for her full time around the clock, and pay for her medical care.

Private Nursing Home with a team or nurses care for an elderly whom quadriplegia paralyze all around the clock are not in any way cheap. Basically 85% of his working income go straight to his mom care.

He told me he loves me very much but he wants me to understand that he only has ONE mother, he cannot not care for her. I get it I do. BUT him working 84 hours a week since his mom stroke is him taking out quality time of us.

I have inheritance from my Chinese businessman father, both my parents already deceased, they lave half the money to me and half to my older brother. I do have a decent inheritance. I want to use it to help my husband at least help pay for some of her Private Nursing home, so he can work less hours, and more time with me.
And also for his health in the long run too, work 84 hours a week is not the answer.

He get defensive that it is not my job to care for his mom, he not want to burden me, it is HIS job as he is her biological son. And he never want a penny help from a woman's money. But I am his wife though. Basically his manhood pride.

I love my husband, but this is hard, he gone12 hours a day, so 84 hours a week he gone. And he also take his quadriplegia paralyze mother to Dialysis too 4x times a week, and each time Dialysis is 5 hours process, so 20 more hours a week total. So total of him gone 100 hours a week from me.

I don't know how to get him to swallow his manhood pride, and accept my inheritance money to help his mom, so he can work less hours.

========

In all fairness to him, he still is a devoted husband like how he always been in the last 12 years as a husband, he still does laundry, he dotes me to the point he literally handwash my underwear (cultural thing).

He work in Petroleum-chemical process plant, his clothes smell like hazardous chemicals after, he shower after work, and he always want me to join him (it has nothing to do with sex as we never have shower sex).
In the shower he literally kneels down on his knee and cleans and rubs my feet and calves. And wash my hair, he even comb my hair after shower.
I guess because he 14 inches taller than me so he has to kneel down on his knee to rubs my feet and calves.

He did it again this morning, while he kneel on his knee rubs my calves he apologized to me that he has to take his mom to Dialysis later, and that he knows I want more time with him, but this is the remaining time has left with his mom in this world.

On the 4 days of his mom Dialysis he gone 17 hours (12 hours work + 5 hours of her Dialysis).
On the 3 days not have her Dialysis, he gone 12 hours work.

He still desire me to has sex with him, we still have sex regularly, right now it every other day, on the days he not take his mom to Dialysis.

I just hate it that he is an awesome husband, a great provider,
but because of his manhood pride, he not want my inheritance help and rather work 84 hours a week just so he can have enough money to pay for his mom Private Nursing Home.
It like my inheritance touch his manhood or something, his 'not want to use a penny of a woman's money'. But I am his wife.

I'm at my wits end, is there anything I can do about this? I have no ground to give him an ultimatum as he is a devoted husband to me, I just don't like it how he work 84 hours a week.

When I vent to a friend, my friend said what makes you think he will choose to spend more time with a HEALTHY wife, than his quadriplegia paralyze mother who is dying,
as the kidney specialist told him his mom only has 1-2 years left at most due to her end stage kidney failure, it will get to the stage where no amount of Dialysis can help her, and she will die.

Am I basically just have no options in this?

I just want to go back to China and be with my grandma, I be more happy there where it has my cultures and my native language, and I feel that the people there understand me more.

If you want to go back to your own country, then do so.

Why not go back for a few weeks and then see how you feel?

@stayathomewife You say you dont want to leave the marriage and also you dont want to stay in the US. Can you go home to China for 4 to 6 months? It will give you a break and a time to think. And people that understand you can advise and comfort you then you can make a decision.

He won't be happy, he said everything wait till his mom pass, then he go to China with me to visit my grandma. But the thing is nobody know when his mom will pass.

I guess I'm also depress myself since the death of my child. I don't have any motivation here in USA, nor want to do anything fun, I have my deceased parents inheritance which I can use to go places, but I just don't have the motivation.

You have the money go on holiday to China for a visit to your grandmother then when you have done something for yourself and your beloved grandmother maybe you will have the energy to get through another few months of this when you get back. Take the focus off your husband and your mother in law and find ways to make your own life happy while this is going on.

He doesn't want me to go, he said over his dead body before I can leave him, that including going to China for months without him.

But you right, he can't stop me, I can just drive to the airport and buy the airplane ticket myself and go. But I'm a wife though, I can't just leave 3-6 months like that without an okay from my husband.

Nah mate, no Indian man is washing his wife's undies...

I am also Chinese but have never lived there as born in the UK, what heritage is your DH? You have made it clear you are from mainland China but not where he is from.

This troll hasn’t invented that part yet. But has given lots of details about how this “husband” selflessly cleans up hers, his fathers and his mothers “pee and poop” when they “defecate” while ill or dying. This same bizarre story has been posted in several places other than mumsnet.

@Clementine1513 yep I am not buying the laundry stuff. I just like to know what type of Asian as we are not a homogenous mass.

But you right, he can't stop me, I can just drive to the airport and buy the airplane ticket myself and go.

Yes you can as you say

But I'm a wife though, I can't just leave 3-6 months like that without an okay from my husband.

Read your comment above and recall that he is current neglecting you and neglecting himself in favour of meeting his mother’s wants (like the travelling with her to have dialysis when nurses could do that). He is focused on meeting his mother’s emotions you are focussing on meeting his emotions. You are doing the same things he is doing except absolutely no one, not even you are focussed on meeting your emotions - hence your persistent intense emotional outbursts.

Right, his father died of Pancreatic cancer and he was the one that care for his dad in his dad last days. Yes, it him that change his dad diapers because his father was comatose at the end stage of life in his End stage cancer.

Right. His mom has paralyze after her stroke, and it is him that pay for her Private Nursing home, and care for her in the 2 days she with us, including change her diapers because she paralyze.

Right. I got Covid during the first wave of Covid. I was hospitalized with oxygen tank down my nose 24/7 to help me breath. I was discharge home with a hospital bed with oxygen tank down my nose, and I was bedridden, and I did defecate on myself, and my husband clean me.

And if you think that is a troll, then feel free to think that. I stand by what I say.

You born in UK you said it yourself, have you ever actually been to China and see Chinese men in China? they do more than just does laundry for their wife and handwash their underwear.

Did you even read news about Chinese guys in China so desperate for girlfriend that there was a news of a dude who his girlfriend beat him in the street, while he KNEEL on his knee, and she beat him like his mother. It even on the news. Maybe you should read some Chinese news in Chinese, but then you said you don't know Chinese.

You do not have to buy anything, but I stand by what I said. My husband does laundry and handwash my underwear.

Definitely 😄

I don't mean to be rude, but you born in UK grow up in Western culture, never step food on China, what do you know about China people. Let me tell you now, there wives in China that beat their husband in the street in front of everyone.
Husband at home do her laundry, including give all his money to her.

Don't assume something doesn't exist just because you didn't grow up and see it, you do realize there 350+ culture out there right?

You right Mrs. Flourpowwer. Actually some of the comments here help me alot. Get me to see that he indeed neglect me. I will self reflect. I am also depress since my child death. I just don't have motivation.
And depressionis very REAL, I can tell you that.

Did you not read the entire reason she's posting? She has money and wants to contribute but he won't let her

And I will answer here since someone ask about my husband where he from. My husband he came from West African, from an West African Tribe that speaks their native language. People in his homeland handwash clothes including underwear, even drink water from wells.
His parents where Refugee to U.S. He did better himself by go to University and got his Engineer degrees.

Haven't read the full thread but I'm amazed at how the OP changes from poor English to fluent with some colloquial sayings thrown in for good measure, and how her husband manages 5 hrs a day for dialysis on top of a 12 hour working day, 7 days a week.

Does the dialysis unit stay open late for him? Does the care home not arrange this rather than expecting someone to carry a quadriplegic patient in and out of a wheelchair/car/bed?

I never say he took her to Dialysis 7 days a week, please read my OP, she go to Dialysis 4x days per week.

It right here in my OP
On the 4 days of his mom Dialysis he gone 17 hours (12 hours work + 5 hours of her Dialysis).
On the 3 days not have her Dialysis, he gone 12 hours work.

So he takes 2 days off? But you said this in your OP:

"he has been working 12 hours a day, 84 hours a week"

12 x 7 = 84, so if he's working 7 days a week how does he have 2 days off to provide 24 hr care in your home?

Look, I answer all that already ok, his mom demand him to take her, demand time with her son and she comply. So he the one that take her, he doing the job that the Private Nursing home nurse should be doing. But who can stop him from take his mom to Dialysis. He the one that pay the Nursing home, they don't care who take her to Dialysis, as long as they get the money.

He has 2 days off a month.

Yes he work 84 hours a week.

But he has 2 days off a month.

On the 4 days of his mom Dialysis he gone 17 hours (12 hours work + 5 hours of her Dialysis).
On the 3 days not have her Dialysis, he gone 12 hours work.

He not take 2 days off, it his work that let him off 2 days a month. And he use that 2 days to care for her, as he said she not have much time left, this is his remaining time with her.

Yes I wrote up there he work 80 hours a week. But I never say in my OP that he has ZERO day off.

I am in USA, right now in USA is 4AM and I am still up waiting for my husband to come home from work so we can sleep.
I said he work 80 hours a week, I never say he has no day off. He has 2 days off per month, which he use it to care for his mom.

This is his schedule on the day his mom has Dialysis. And she only go to Dialysis 4x times a week. There 3 days out of the week he not have to take her to Dialysis.

But this is his schedule on the day he has to take her to Dialysis. I am dead worry of his health.

He work 8PM to 8AM, that is 12 hours a day.
Home he take a quick shower and eat a bit, then he sleeps from 9AM to 1PM that is 4 hours sleep, and I do sleep with him.
Then 1PM to 6PM he takes his paralyze mother to Dialysis process.
6PM back he barely has 2 hours time with me then 8PM he off to work again.

I worry about his health, long term.

It's really difficult when a parent is so ill and you're their carer. You need to make sacrifices. I barely saw my husband and kids the last 3.5 months of my mums life as I cared for her. He picked up the slack at home and caring for the kids, knowing that it wouldn't last forever. Likewise, his mums now ill and roles have been reversed. It won't last forever for you either then you have your whole lives to dedicate to each other. I think it's noble of him not using your inheritance, I don't think I'd feel comfortable to either in his position.