Husband manhood pride, he rather sacrifice time with me over his manhood pride.

[stayathomewife]

Sorry before I go on, I just want to say there might be cultural difference here, as I am Asian. My husband is not, but my husband is not Westerners neither.

Me [F40] Husband [M39] has a Master in Chemical Engineering, makes 185K a year take home after tax. He the type of man that take pride in be the provider, that just how he put his self-worth, on his career and be the provider. During his proposal to our marriage, he very clear said: "Why does he wants his wife to work when he makes enough for his wife to stay home."

Yes, I have to say this so you get the gist of how his mindset is and his manhood pride. We are married 12 years, together 14 years.

4 years ago his mom whom old (over 80 years old) had a hemorrhagic stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze. He is the only son (his father and his older sister both deceased),

Since his mom stroke happened for the past 4 years, he has been working 12 hours a day, 84 hours a week, just so he has enough money to pay for her PRIVATE Nursing Home where she can get one to one care with doctors and a team or nurses care for her full time around the clock, and pay for her medical care.

Private Nursing Home with a team or nurses care for an elderly whom quadriplegia paralyze all around the clock are not in any way cheap. Basically 85% of his working income go straight to his mom care.

He told me he loves me very much but he wants me to understand that he only has ONE mother, he cannot not care for her. I get it I do. BUT him working 84 hours a week since his mom stroke is him taking out quality time of us.

I have inheritance from my Chinese businessman father, both my parents already deceased, they lave half the money to me and half to my older brother. I do have a decent inheritance. I want to use it to help my husband at least help pay for some of her Private Nursing home, so he can work less hours, and more time with me.
And also for his health in the long run too, work 84 hours a week is not the answer.

He get defensive that it is not my job to care for his mom, he not want to burden me, it is HIS job as he is her biological son. And he never want a penny help from a woman's money. But I am his wife though. Basically his manhood pride.

I love my husband, but this is hard, he gone12 hours a day, so 84 hours a week he gone. And he also take his quadriplegia paralyze mother to Dialysis too 4x times a week, and each time Dialysis is 5 hours process, so 20 more hours a week total. So total of him gone 100 hours a week from me.

I don't know how to get him to swallow his manhood pride, and accept my inheritance money to help his mom, so he can work less hours.

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In all fairness to him, he still is a devoted husband like how he always been in the last 12 years as a husband, he still does laundry, he dotes me to the point he literally handwash my underwear (cultural thing).

He work in Petroleum-chemical process plant, his clothes smell like hazardous chemicals after, he shower after work, and he always want me to join him (it has nothing to do with sex as we never have shower sex).
In the shower he literally kneels down on his knee and cleans and rubs my feet and calves. And wash my hair, he even comb my hair after shower.
I guess because he 14 inches taller than me so he has to kneel down on his knee to rubs my feet and calves.

He did it again this morning, while he kneel on his knee rubs my calves he apologized to me that he has to take his mom to Dialysis later, and that he knows I want more time with him, but this is the remaining time has left with his mom in this world.

On the 4 days of his mom Dialysis he gone 17 hours (12 hours work + 5 hours of her Dialysis).
On the 3 days not have her Dialysis, he gone 12 hours work.

He still desire me to has sex with him, we still have sex regularly, right now it every other day, on the days he not take his mom to Dialysis.

I just hate it that he is an awesome husband, a great provider,
but because of his manhood pride, he not want my inheritance help and rather work 84 hours a week just so he can have enough money to pay for his mom Private Nursing Home.
It like my inheritance touch his manhood or something, his 'not want to use a penny of a woman's money'. But I am his wife.

I'm at my wits end, is there anything I can do about this? I have no ground to give him an ultimatum as he is a devoted husband to me, I just don't like it how he work 84 hours a week.

When I vent to a friend, my friend said what makes you think he will choose to spend more time with a HEALTHY wife, than his quadriplegia paralyze mother who is dying,
as the kidney specialist told him his mom only has 1-2 years left at most due to her end stage kidney failure, it will get to the stage where no amount of Dialysis can help her, and she will die.

Am I basically just have no options in this?

In all fairness to him, he not have to take his mom to Dialysis 3 days a week (as she only go 4 days a week). He does spend more time with me in that 3 days he not have to take her. As he work 12 hours then home 12 hours and all that 12 hours give to me.

But his schedule on the day she has Dialysis is not sustainable long run, I worry his health long run.

I understand Mrs. But there a HUGE different between the last 3.5 months of someone life.

As to this is an ONGOING thing for 4 years already since his mom stroke happened that leave her paralyze. And it will continue on till his mom die. At least he say so. Everything has to wait till after his mom pass.

Right, and in US it is normal to have guns hobby and go to outdoor shooting range.

Right. I have tantrums and I throw stuff, grow up seeing that from my mother throw stuff at my father because my businessman father while on business trips has other women out there, who refused to grant my mom a divorce because China need 2 parties signature.

Right I did try to handcuff myself once because I didn't want my tantrums to hurt him as I throw a Chinese DVD at him last time.

Right, his father died of pancreatic cancer, his older sister died of car accident. His mom is dying. Parents will do eventually die, if they don't die from cancer or stroke or illness, they will have to go one day.

Right, the baby with me and him died of brain disease due to brain disease run in my side of the family.

All that I posted is right, I got inheritance from my Chinese businessman father.

Did you not read any of the OP?

OP you sound really stressed. In all honesty, like you said, i don't think you will win this battle. It's only 2 years, time passes quickly.

How many hours a week does he spend hand washing your underwear?

Right. I have tantrums and I throw stuff, grow up seeing that from my mother throw stuff at my father because my businessman father while on business trips has other women out there, who refused to grant my mom a divorce because China need 2 parties signature.

You do this because you cannot regulate your own emotions as your mother couldn’t before you and you cannot regulate your emotions because you don’t remotely pay attention to the alarm bells they ring for you about your own needs so they get to a point where they are screaming at you and you are completely dysregulated. While you keep abandoning yourself and your own needs this stuff will keep happening.

To be honest with you I suspect a lot of this is cultural on both of your parts and even if you went to China for months, you would just abandon your needs in favour of your elderly grandmother just as your husband is doing for his mother. I grew up in a culture though not Asian had a lot of parallels of particularly women tying themselves in complete knots to abandon themselves in favour of the cultural caring requirements but these days with life being prolonged in such unnatural ways independent of quality of life it has become completely untenable for these cultural practices to continue unquestioned.

I appreciate that and four years is a long time. I've just had a thought, if your husband won't accept your money personally, what about speaking to your mother in law. Go visit when he is at work and tell her you are concerned about how many hours he is working and how it will affect his health and ask if she would accept your help financially to pay for the nursing home, transfer the money to pay for the full year upfront. He can't argue with that. It's her who you helped and accepted your money to pay for the fees rather than her.

It all sounds quite dysfunctional. There's clearly very good points of your husband but there's alot of negatives. Not allowing you to go visit your grandmother and see your family whilst you sit at home alone and lonely whilst he cares for his family. Why does him caring for his mother take priority over you visiting your grandmother, she could be passed away by the time his mum is. You aren't even living a life, your whole life is spent at home waiting on him.

You right Mrs. I been reflect alot about myself. All my struggling in my adulthood is stem from my childhood.

My mom was in arranged marriage to my father whom alot older than her. Dad always on business trips neglect mom and has other women out there, even father children with other women out there.
Mom knows want divorce but he won't grant her. So she just learned to accept it, overtime she no longer care as long as he bring home bags and bags of cash money for her.

My mom neglect me in my whole childhood, throw me to my grandma.
In my adulthood I never mend the relationship with her neither, as she never accept my husband due to his ethnicity.
She has passed away, and I feel part of me is missing as this is it, she will never come back, I never have a chance to mend my relationship with her.

I just have alot of childhood baggage, I struggle alot in my marriage and in my adulthood too.

I do neglect myself alot, I do have low self-esteem, and low self-worth and I'm even self-sabotage. That just my norms you know. It like I feel happy to be sad. I don't know if that make sense. But I am actually happy be sad, than live a happy life. It like that.

He is actually balancing time with you very well - sex every other day, doing your laundry and washing your legs. So you do get daily contact. All you can do is wait it out, at her age, with all her problems, it won't be long no matter how good the care.
I am left wondering how (if your DC died 5 years ago, and you moved to California 4 years ago, post DM's stroke) your DH can be able to keep your DC's room the same when you've moved since?🤔

He took our child ashes with us, as my husband decided to cremate our child ashes and keep it with him.
Our child room here is same as it was back then when our child alive. All our child things he still has and not want to get rid off. It sets up the same as the room when our child alive.

I am sorry I didn't explain it in details in that replied of mine. Our child room is the same as when our child alive, I mean my husband not throw away anything of our child, and the room is set up just like when our child is alive. And he put our child ashes urn in there.

We didn't move to California, we FROM California. We was there in Texas due to his job. When his mom had her stroke he fly back to Cali to be with her, so we just came back to where he from.

@stayathomewife Ok, thanks for explaining.
It really seems like he's not going to relent on these duties to his mum.
With this in mind maybe you should think about getting a job, doing some volunteering, going to some hobby groups etc. spending your time when your husband is with his mum doing things to enrich your own life. To give you things to do outside of your husbands world. You clearly have time on your hands.
You say you've plenty of money as well which is great. So why not spend it on things you enjoy, or help the less fortunate.

I do wish I have the motivation, but I don't, maybe I have depression myself, other than go to Chinatown, go to Chinese supermarkets grocery, Target, Walmart, I don't go anywhere. Everything just seem blank to me, beside I do want to go back to China and live in China permanently.

I thought your husband might be west African when you mentioned hand washing your underwear, both girls and boys are taught that from young age, people here may not understand the culture. My advice is to get busy with your own life, volunteer/study or find a hobby etc. You will have a fulfilling life if you're not waiting for your husband to return home, if you continue this way then you'll build resentment towards him. Understand that his mum's issue is temporary and you two will have plenty of time together so for now try and focus on your own life.

But I am actually happy be sad, than live a happy life. It like that.

That is 100% the case not meaning to be unkind saying it but you have already had the revelation you are comfortable venting, you are comfortable playing the victim, you are comfortable not taking any responsibility in any of these problems, if you want to keep doing that have at it, if it makes you happy, it makes you happy but it is a completely dysfunctional and unhealthy way to live and it has nothing to do with your husband or anyone else’s behaviour. Many people and dare I say it women more than men choose this way to live.

I think you could be doing with some counselling and CBT to help you deal with the past, the loss of your child and controlling your emotions.

I will try to find a Chinese therapist, as I don't think an American one will understand my situation. But I have to open myself to get help from the therapist in order to get better.

Thank you so much for all the inputs, it helps me alot.

And I was advice it not in my place to talk tom y mother in-law about anything, as that is something my husband need to do not me.

I not even sure if it is my business to talk to her, or would my husband get mad if I talk to her about the inheritance.

You right Mrs. Maybe I have Depression. As I don't find anything joy in life, or has the motivation to do anything, other than want to go back to China.

OP could you explain to him that the excessive hours are damaging for his health and that if he cannot work he eill not be able to pay for the carw?

The nursing home should be getting her into her wheelchair, using the direct equipment. So the size difference is slightly irrelevant. He shouldn't be lifting her either.

Have you thought about volunteering? Perhaps within the Chinese communities where you live. This would give you something else to focus on, give you more purpose in your life and wouldn't mean you were working for money. I'm sure many groups would be very grateful for your help.

Thank you so much for everyone advice. I will reread and reflect on what advice to me here. I have asked the Moderator to Closed this thread for read only. As I know everyone time is precious. So thank you, I appreciate it. I will reflect what in this thread. And will try to work on myself.

Hi.

Indian here.

Indian men are not expected to hand wash their wife's undies.

Try harder?

I am sure if you go to India and look hard enough you will find Indian men handwash their wife undies. I am guessing you born in UK and not born in India.

I do not want to debate with you on this. I have see men who handwash their wife clothes, including undergarments. My husband father was one, and my husband learn it from his dad.

Let drop this handwash garment topics okay. Your time sure is too precious to waste it on talk about this.