Husband manhood pride, he rather sacrifice time with me over his manhood pride.

[stayathomewife]

Sorry before I go on, I just want to say there might be cultural difference here, as I am Asian. My husband is not, but my husband is not Westerners neither.

Me [F40] Husband [M39] has a Master in Chemical Engineering, makes 185K a year take home after tax. He the type of man that take pride in be the provider, that just how he put his self-worth, on his career and be the provider. During his proposal to our marriage, he very clear said: "Why does he wants his wife to work when he makes enough for his wife to stay home."

Yes, I have to say this so you get the gist of how his mindset is and his manhood pride. We are married 12 years, together 14 years.

4 years ago his mom whom old (over 80 years old) had a hemorrhagic stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze. He is the only son (his father and his older sister both deceased),

Since his mom stroke happened for the past 4 years, he has been working 12 hours a day, 84 hours a week, just so he has enough money to pay for her PRIVATE Nursing Home where she can get one to one care with doctors and a team or nurses care for her full time around the clock, and pay for her medical care.

Private Nursing Home with a team or nurses care for an elderly whom quadriplegia paralyze all around the clock are not in any way cheap. Basically 85% of his working income go straight to his mom care.

He told me he loves me very much but he wants me to understand that he only has ONE mother, he cannot not care for her. I get it I do. BUT him working 84 hours a week since his mom stroke is him taking out quality time of us.

I have inheritance from my Chinese businessman father, both my parents already deceased, they lave half the money to me and half to my older brother. I do have a decent inheritance. I want to use it to help my husband at least help pay for some of her Private Nursing home, so he can work less hours, and more time with me.
And also for his health in the long run too, work 84 hours a week is not the answer.

He get defensive that it is not my job to care for his mom, he not want to burden me, it is HIS job as he is her biological son. And he never want a penny help from a woman's money. But I am his wife though. Basically his manhood pride.

I love my husband, but this is hard, he gone12 hours a day, so 84 hours a week he gone. And he also take his quadriplegia paralyze mother to Dialysis too 4x times a week, and each time Dialysis is 5 hours process, so 20 more hours a week total. So total of him gone 100 hours a week from me.

I don't know how to get him to swallow his manhood pride, and accept my inheritance money to help his mom, so he can work less hours.

========

In all fairness to him, he still is a devoted husband like how he always been in the last 12 years as a husband, he still does laundry, he dotes me to the point he literally handwash my underwear (cultural thing).

He work in Petroleum-chemical process plant, his clothes smell like hazardous chemicals after, he shower after work, and he always want me to join him (it has nothing to do with sex as we never have shower sex).
In the shower he literally kneels down on his knee and cleans and rubs my feet and calves. And wash my hair, he even comb my hair after shower.
I guess because he 14 inches taller than me so he has to kneel down on his knee to rubs my feet and calves.

He did it again this morning, while he kneel on his knee rubs my calves he apologized to me that he has to take his mom to Dialysis later, and that he knows I want more time with him, but this is the remaining time has left with his mom in this world.

On the 4 days of his mom Dialysis he gone 17 hours (12 hours work + 5 hours of her Dialysis).
On the 3 days not have her Dialysis, he gone 12 hours work.

He still desire me to has sex with him, we still have sex regularly, right now it every other day, on the days he not take his mom to Dialysis.

I just hate it that he is an awesome husband, a great provider,
but because of his manhood pride, he not want my inheritance help and rather work 84 hours a week just so he can have enough money to pay for his mom Private Nursing Home.
It like my inheritance touch his manhood or something, his 'not want to use a penny of a woman's money'. But I am his wife.

I'm at my wits end, is there anything I can do about this? I have no ground to give him an ultimatum as he is a devoted husband to me, I just don't like it how he work 84 hours a week.

When I vent to a friend, my friend said what makes you think he will choose to spend more time with a HEALTHY wife, than his quadriplegia paralyze mother who is dying,
as the kidney specialist told him his mom only has 1-2 years left at most due to her end stage kidney failure, it will get to the stage where no amount of Dialysis can help her, and she will die.

Am I basically just have no options in this?

He not want my help, and his mom DEMAND her son. She wants time with her son since she had her stroke, and the remaining 2 years she has left according to doctors.

And Dialysis only let ONE person with the patient, it is not a visiting center, he gets to be with is mom because he her biological son, and she quadriplegic paralyze.

And I am 4'11" tall, his mom is 5'9" and quadriplegic paralyze and bedridden, the 4'11" me cannot get her out of the bed to her wheelchair, then get her in the wheelchair van drive her to Dialysis.

My husband does all that because he 6'2" and he can get quadriplegic mother to the wheelchair and wheelchair van, unless he want his mom to fall and get hurt then let the 4'11" me do it, he not even trust me with his mom because I don't do things up to his STANDARDS.

Yes, I know the nurses can do that. But his mom want HIM, want her son to take her, and he comply to all his mom requests.
This is where all my frustration is.

Was his mom like this before her stroke? Sometimes a stroke can bring about personality changes.

Yep 😂

😊

She was NOT like this before her stroke at all. This also baffle me. Maybe something in her brain change. I wish I have an answer, I am stress myself too.

Example we were in Texas for 2 years for his work, at the time his mom was fine, and she fine on her own. But after her stroke she like a kid and depend on him for everything.

He loves his mom for sure though.
We were in Texas for 2 years then his mom had hemorrhagic stroke, he phone his boss demand his boss to relocation him back to California so he can be near his mom and care for her health situation, or else he will turn in the resign from the company.

He said he has a Master in Chemical Engineering and his number of years of experience in the field, he can get a job anywhere in any states in U.S., but he only has ONE mother, if anything happen to his mom this will be his last remaining time he has with her.

Relocate him back to California, or else he will resign. He said no boss can stop him from go back to California to care for his mother.
He said he not even have to work for the same boss, or the same company. Resign he will do if he does not get his relocation back to see his sick mother.

So off we go, we back to California for 4 years already since his mom stroke. And the wife me is like fighting with her for his love.

I think you just have to endure it. It's his mum, and she will die soon. After that, have a chat about his work life balance.

This is half my husband responsibility too, he comply to his mom to all her demands. He just not know balance between him, his mom and me.

he was NOT like this before her stroke at all. This also baffle me. Maybe something in her brain change

Yes, it will be this. The stroke deprives the brain of oxygen, so it can bring about changes - it must be sad for you both, but especially your husband, to see his mom with a changed, more demanding personality.

I know Sir/Mrs. And I been doing for 4 years, 4 YEARS already since her stroke, and I feel that my limits is running out. I know the doctors said she has 2 years left, but still. I not want her to die, I just want him to BALANCE his mom and me.

I can't get through my husband, I talked to him about this, and everytime his answer is, he can still handle it, when he see he can't handle it anymore he will adjust.
Basically he will continue do it till he no longer can't.

That his answer every time, seem like I have my answer.

Ah @stayathomewife I remember reading your other thread about your husband’s very submissive behaviour and your intense emotional reactions to him this thread explains that dynamic better. Being honest you both sound very emotionally driven, your husband doesn’t seem to have stepped back for a second and applied a tiny fraction of his practical, problem solving skills to the situation he is in.

He has a wife and a mother he has a relationship with on top of having a responsibility to look after himself and his own health and well-being. Arguably at the moment he is treating his mother with unparalleled respect but at the expense of his relationship with his wife and his own wellbeing. I’m not sure how you address this because it is down to a degree of emotional immaturity and cultural teaching which cannot be solved by anything other than focussing on learning these skills.

Maybe you could learn about them for yourself by reading around the topics and see does that change anything for you about the situation. Start to understand yourself and your own emotional responses better. I don’t think your husband’s devotion to his mother is at a level I would ever like to come to terms with. You would have to completely abandon your own needs to meet his expectations. There are always choices and his choices for the last 4 years and continuing on really don’t consider you. That is incredibly hard for you.

I’m sure there are some choices he could make that could alleviate this situation but he would have to do it at the expense of meeting his mother’s wants and it doesn’t sound like he is prepared to do that. While his mother’s needs are extremely important her wants are down to choice, dealing with the guilt of not meeting them or just meeting them. He has a choice and he is choosing his mother every time.

Another problem I have with him too, is he just so fixated in his own ways.
Our child died of brain disease, got it from me the mom as brain disease run in my side of the family.

It been 5 years and it a constant disagreement between me and him about our child ashes. I want to put my child ashes in the Buddhist temple (I'm Chinese btw). Let our baby child go in peace please.
My husband is reliving the same pain everyday over and over again, as he will fight with me if I dare put our child ashes in Buddhist temple. He wants our child ashes remain in our home, our child ashes by his side till he die.

He get angry, his child ashes will not separate from him, he adamant keep our child ashes right in our home, in our child room just like when our child alive.
He also keep our child room the same and not change a thing. He dust the room, cry and talk to our child ashes, the room never change a single thing since the passing of our child that is 5 years ago.

Let me close this chapter, let me clean out our child room, put our child clothes and stuff in boxes. Let our child ashes go to Buddhist temple, we can visit our child ashes at Buddhist temple just like he visit his father grave, and his older sister grave.

But my husband said over his dead body before my ashes be apart from him. If I die before him, he will cremate me and keep my ashes with him till he die, just like he keeps our child ashes with him. When he clearly know I want my ashes to be in Buddhist temple.

Look, he is my husband, the child is of me and him, it the child of the man I love, I feel pain too when our child died. I just want our child to go in peace, let our child ashes go to Buddhist temple so everyday the baby can hear Buddhist monks chanting so he can reincarnate and have peaceful next life.

I want to close this chapter, it been 5 years, but he not allowing it, he reliving the pain of our child death everyday.
Sorry, I'm Chinese here, so cultural difference,

Thank you Mrs. Can you help me with that replied too, the replied of mine below yours.
I'm at my wits end with him, and I love him dearly.

He just so fixated in his own ways.

And he absolutely choose his mother over me. He not have to take her to Dialysis 4x times a week, he can cut it down to 1x time a week, and let the Private Nursing home nurses take her in those other time.

But No, his mom DEMAND him, and he comply. I understand stroke can alter a person brain afterwards and his mom can get demanding, but still, he needs to learn to say No to his mom.

He keep give me the reason that these are the last time remaining on Earth his mom has with him. But when ENOUGH is ENOUGH though? There has to be some balance.

Yes 🤣🤣🤣

I talked to him about his mom his health, all those in my OP, and everytime his answer is, he can still handle it, when he see he can't handle it anymore he will adjust.
Basically he will continue do it till he no longer can't.

That his answer every time, seem like I have my answer.

I am actually disappointed in this man.

you can only be responsible for yourself and your behaviour. Can you find a counsellor to talk to who will support you whilst understanding the different cultural pressures? You have choices and it might be helpful to write down what they are. Can you find a way to keep a private journal because many people find that writing things down helps them work out what to do about the problem. In fact, can you find a creative writing class or an art class to attend?

I want to cry reading this, thank you. I was told in Reddit (it an American flatform), that I am the A**hole for not understand his mom situation, that I need to shut up as his mom is sick, while he has decades with me, and his mom not have much time left.
BUT it been FOUR YEARS already Mrs. FOUR YEARS already, I am dying everyday inside.

Perhaps he not even love me anymore.

I'm lost, but why don't you just wash your own underwear and clothes when your husband is at work? You've got 12 hours there.

It seems there is no balance in your lives. He's almost completely focused on his mum, and you are completely focused on him. It doesn't sound as though he's going to change until his mum passes away. Is there a way you could get more balance in your life, eg getting voluntary work, focusing on a hobby? That way you have a fuller life rather than just your home life.

I am sorry for the loss of your child. Perhaps the grieving for your child for your husband is impacting his behaviour around his mother. He has lost one loved one so he is doing all he can to spend as much time as possible with another loved one who is going to pass on.

Maybe build yourself a life outside the caring/ working cycle. Use your money to make your life nicer and easier. It sounds like your husband needs help processing his emotions but you can’t do that for him, he has to see that himself.

Forget his issues for a while and focus on you. You might want to think about getting some professional counselling to deal with the terrible events of the last few years. Is there a local community of people with similar backgrounds to you that you could get involved with too? They might understand the cultural aspects better?

Can you spend some time outside the house volunteering to take your mind off the issue? Or even study? All this will help you to be stronger mentally for your husband for when he does need you. Lastly, would he get a medical check up himself - heart health, blood pressure etc. He may listen to a Doctor telling him to ease up.

Awful as it is, it is a medium-term problem. He is devoted, and tries hard to keep you happy too. He's a good man. I do think you need to find a focus until this situation resolves. Get out, volunteer, spend time with friends. Don't make him and his mum the focus of your life while you are not the focus of theirs.

Another troll post.

She's Chinese and it's cultural.

How do you define what troll and what not though, just because it does not match with what you experience in your life and your culture, and you said it troll post. There 350+ cultures out there, 8 billions people. How do you know what going on around the world to deem what troll and what not.
And I am sorry that if a man taking care of his paralyze mother is sound troll to you.