Sorry before I go on, I just want to say there might be cultural difference here, as I am Asian. My husband is not, but my husband is not Westerners neither.
Me [F40] Husband [M39] has a Master in Chemical Engineering, makes 185K a year take home after tax. He the type of man that take pride in be the provider, that just how he put his self-worth, on his career and be the provider. During his proposal to our marriage, he very clear said: "Why does he wants his wife to work when he makes enough for his wife to stay home."
Yes, I have to say this so you get the gist of how his mindset is and his manhood pride. We are married 12 years, together 14 years.
4 years ago his mom whom old (over 80 years old) had a hemorrhagic stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze. He is the only son (his father and his older sister both deceased),
Since his mom stroke happened for the past 4 years, he has been working 12 hours a day, 84 hours a week, just so he has enough money to pay for her PRIVATE Nursing Home where she can get one to one care with doctors and a team or nurses care for her full time around the clock, and pay for her medical care.
Private Nursing Home with a team or nurses care for an elderly whom quadriplegia paralyze all around the clock are not in any way cheap. Basically 85% of his working income go straight to his mom care.
He told me he loves me very much but he wants me to understand that he only has ONE mother, he cannot not care for her. I get it I do. BUT him working 84 hours a week since his mom stroke is him taking out quality time of us.
I have inheritance from my Chinese businessman father, both my parents already deceased, they lave half the money to me and half to my older brother. I do have a decent inheritance. I want to use it to help my husband at least help pay for some of her Private Nursing home, so he can work less hours, and more time with me.
And also for his health in the long run too, work 84 hours a week is not the answer.
He get defensive that it is not my job to care for his mom, he not want to burden me, it is HIS job as he is her biological son. And he never want a penny help from a woman's money. But I am his wife though. Basically his manhood pride.
I love my husband, but this is hard, he gone12 hours a day, so 84 hours a week he gone. And he also take his quadriplegia paralyze mother to Dialysis too 4x times a week, and each time Dialysis is 5 hours process, so 20 more hours a week total. So total of him gone 100 hours a week from me.
I don't know how to get him to swallow his manhood pride, and accept my inheritance money to help his mom, so he can work less hours.
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In all fairness to him, he still is a devoted husband like how he always been in the last 12 years as a husband, he still does laundry, he dotes me to the point he literally handwash my underwear (cultural thing).
He work in Petroleum-chemical process plant, his clothes smell like hazardous chemicals after, he shower after work, and he always want me to join him (it has nothing to do with sex as we never have shower sex).
In the shower he literally kneels down on his knee and cleans and rubs my feet and calves. And wash my hair, he even comb my hair after shower.
I guess because he 14 inches taller than me so he has to kneel down on his knee to rubs my feet and calves.
He did it again this morning, while he kneel on his knee rubs my calves he apologized to me that he has to take his mom to Dialysis later, and that he knows I want more time with him, but this is the remaining time has left with his mom in this world.
On the 4 days of his mom Dialysis he gone 17 hours (12 hours work + 5 hours of her Dialysis).
On the 3 days not have her Dialysis, he gone 12 hours work.
He still desire me to has sex with him, we still have sex regularly, right now it every other day, on the days he not take his mom to Dialysis.
I just hate it that he is an awesome husband, a great provider,
but because of his manhood pride, he not want my inheritance help and rather work 84 hours a week just so he can have enough money to pay for his mom Private Nursing Home.
It like my inheritance touch his manhood or something, his 'not want to use a penny of a woman's money'. But I am his wife.
I'm at my wits end, is there anything I can do about this? I have no ground to give him an ultimatum as he is a devoted husband to me, I just don't like it how he work 84 hours a week.
When I vent to a friend, my friend said what makes you think he will choose to spend more time with a HEALTHY wife, than his quadriplegia paralyze mother who is dying,
as the kidney specialist told him his mom only has 1-2 years left at most due to her end stage kidney failure, it will get to the stage where no amount of Dialysis can help her, and she will die.
Am I basically just have no options in this?