Does anyone else not pay for any bills? Am I not pulling my weight?

[Newbie232]

I was having a conversation with a work colleague who was surprised when I told her I don't contribute financially to the house when it comes to certain bills.

I don't pay for the mortgage, bills, my clothes, groceries, holidays. My wage goes on fun things like coffee dates, upgrading our holidays and gifts. I also pay for our regular cleaner and cook.

Me and DH historically earnt the same amount and earned around 50k each in previous years. We both work part time.

I wasn't sure if this was a culturul difference? In my culture women don't pay for anything in the relationship. I of course do contribute when I need to (house renovations), but the overall responsibility is not mine.

I also have responsibility over the home when it comes to it but at present with small DC's, DH helps a lot. He does most of the cleaning and I do most of the cooking. He works 2 days a week and spends more time with the kids than I do(for now). Before we had kids I would do a solid 70% of household chores but things have changed since.

Is this normal? I know it sounds like I'm not pulling my weight right now but I did give birth to the kids. I also struggled a lot during maternity leave to support DH's career progression so I only expect the same level of investment.

Do you treat him a lot?

If you only use the money you earn for yourself, then I think your greedy.
But if you book lots of holidays, it cars and he has spending money for himself, then if it works that is fine.
I do hope when you both have time off together you do lots of family things.

It is unusual on MN, but quite common elsewhere.

Where I'm from (my dad and ex), men take great pride in being providers, so it's not a strange concept for many people.

Ultimately, what is important is that it works for your family and as I grandmother instilled in us - ensure you have some independent finances yourself, be that an income, savings or investments.

my money goes on fun

Are you legally married? If not, and either of you decides to separate, you would not be entitled to any share of the home in which you have been living.

If you are married, then have at it, do whatever you are comfortable with. It wouldn't be for my, my independence is very important to me but absolutely you do you.

I was a SAHM (small village, no daycare unless it's the expensive childminder and I'd need to travel far for a high paying job to make it worth it whilst also being back fairly early to get children) so it made sense for DH to be the sole breadwinner.
Long term effect is that the career/earning prospects for me are minimal now the kids are grown. That's fine but DH understands that I have to work 3X longer in a physically demanding, emotionally draining job to make even close to the same money as him. So we agreed I do it part time and my earnings are for all the extra, fun stuff and not the majority of bills. We've got cash when we need it and DH appreciates I work way harder for my pennies above NMW Carer scraps. Funny thing is, I have to earn qualifications and do shitloads of unpaid training in order to keep my job. DH just has to turn up and work his machines with break times. He doesn't even have to pay for his own uniforms.

Contributing equally to a household isn't necessarily always fair. I earned far more than DH when we met but career sacrificing is more often than not, a female/mother issue. No one at work has ever asked my husband "Oh, who's watching the kids?" when they find out he's a father.

There are some really interesting comments on here. To some my set up is unreasonable and to some it's normal/fine.

I guess every family dynamic is different and life itself is very dynamic.

I am from a southasian background. Even in poorer areas of South Asia, women have cooks and cleaners at times of need. It is not necessarily that everyone has a private chef. Moreso that people collectively pay someone/contribute to having meals prepared. For example, when my sister was unwell I cooked all of her dinners for 4 months. So when I'm working she will do the same for me, just to help out.

For cooks, you can pay for ingredients and the the cook may themselves take a portion of that food for their family. It's just an easier way for everyone to get fed in a cheaper way. The person who cooks also has no food costs. Some women physically drop off the ingredients and some cooks just do it themselves.

To me and DH, this setup makes sense because it means that I can work or not work as I please. I really enjoy working but having a 2yo and a 1yo is tough and if I was to have a third I would like to be at home longer.

I grew up in a very underprivileged area of the UK. Me and DH worked really hard in my late teens and 20's. Full time jobs whilst completing our degrees. He actually earns more than 50k as I asked him this morning. He deserves it though as he invested and renovated properties at a young age. He now has a side HMO renovation business.

I worked hard during my degree. I spent it on travelling and my own family as this was important to me at the time. I am currently purchasing a property but am taking my time as I need to focus on my career which is very demanding. Long term I want to use my money for funding private school. I had to clarify that to those calling me lazy.

Thanks everyone. I don't think there is such thing as a normal setup. I will close this thread now thank you.

I find it amusing when people are genuinely surprised that those around them can have very different beliefs and lives.

To me it just sounds like you're rich enough to not have to worry about money as a couple and work only a couple of days a week.

So essentially it doesn't matter who pays what as you have so much money.

OP you can't close a thread, though you can hide it and/or choose not to post on it anymore.

Half of everything, in fact more. I pay for all house renovations and holidays on top of bills and mortgage but this is because I earn more. DP pays for bills and mortgage equally but does a lot of the cleaning and helps out.

We've always had 2 accounts. Husband's money pays most bills my money pays for spending money.
We both have equal access to both accounts. When kids were little I worked 2 days a week. Now we both work around 30hrs a week and are both self employed.
He earns more than me and admittedly probably feels more pressure financially than me.

I know it sounds like I'm not pulling my weight right now but I did give birth to the kids.

Sorry what?! 😂😂😂

Are you allowed to get divorced? What happens if your husband is unfaithful?

Yeah agreed.
If it works, it works.

There is no "normally" however please ensure no one is taken advantage of.

Nothing build resentment more than having someone not paying their fair share.

Haha I thought I could delete it but I've got no idea how or if I can!

Of course I can get divorced???

I am sort of like you op in that I don’t pay any of our bills directly, but we have a clear budget and are able to save my income each month. I spend some here and there but mostly save it. So we know we have XX coming in total and XX coming out of so and so accounts. As we have a strong budget plan our expenditure is covered in the joint account and DH earns more than enough to cover all outgoings and save a substantial amount each month,This has always been the case in our relationship as I have followed DH around since we were very young for his career. When I started working we just included my income in the household budget and saved it like the amount we normally saved from DHs income. We are pretty transparent with money so both have full access to all the accounts, have joint account etc. I am lucky in that I have family money, so have some protection so to speak, on the advice of our financial advisor this goes into my pension so is somewhat protected (we don’t live in the UK). I think whatever works best for your family depending on your financial objectives is fine. I think it’s very important to be transparent as a couple over money and really important to plan long term as much as you can. Doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks! x

The OP isn’t financially dependent on her husband because she’s an SAHP, she works and he helps with child care. It’s just the money she earns isn’t taken as part of the household income. for some reason.