Does anyone else not pay for any bills? Am I not pulling my weight?

[Newbie232]

I was having a conversation with a work colleague who was surprised when I told her I don't contribute financially to the house when it comes to certain bills.

I don't pay for the mortgage, bills, my clothes, groceries, holidays. My wage goes on fun things like coffee dates, upgrading our holidays and gifts. I also pay for our regular cleaner and cook.

Me and DH historically earnt the same amount and earned around 50k each in previous years. We both work part time.

I wasn't sure if this was a culturul difference? In my culture women don't pay for anything in the relationship. I of course do contribute when I need to (house renovations), but the overall responsibility is not mine.

I also have responsibility over the home when it comes to it but at present with small DC's, DH helps a lot. He does most of the cleaning and I do most of the cooking. He works 2 days a week and spends more time with the kids than I do(for now). Before we had kids I would do a solid 70% of household chores but things have changed since.

Is this normal? I know it sounds like I'm not pulling my weight right now but I did give birth to the kids. I also struggled a lot during maternity leave to support DH's career progression so I only expect the same level of investment.

Whatever works for you.

Personally, whatever each individuals level of contribution may be, I think it's clearer and more transparent to both of you to have a joint account from which all household bills (inc. mortgage, insurances, utilities, food) are paid from. It's too easy to lose track of what your actual living costs are if it's all up to one person to pay all those bills from their personal account.

Do you know what the mortgage costs are? what your utility costs are? what insurances are being paid for and how much they cost? - if not, it's time to pop that comfort bubble and make sure you do know.

Describing someone as "extra" ?! I've never heard that used by anyone over 15!
What works for your household works, it's no one's business.
What culture are you from?

It's not common because most people are struggling to pay everything on two incomes

I knew a couple where the woman openly bragged about how she didn't plan to work to earn money, but wouldn't entertain cooking or cleaning either - that was for her husband to do. She was a very selfish person and didn't treat him well generally, whereas he couldn't have been a lovelier guy.

I looked down on her - it's one thing to balance different roles/duties within a relationship (eg one earns and the other "keeps house") but for one person to do the lion's share of both whilst the other is effectively a parasite contributing very little or nothing, not because they can't (lower income, disability, poor health) but because they are selfish and lazy - is something else entirely.

This particular woman had no ambitions of her own because the boyfriend was wealthy and hardworking and she literally planned to just piggyback on his success and contribute nothing. That was literally her ambition. She didn't want children so it wasn't about a desire to be SAHM. She boasted about this like she was the cleverest person to have thought of it! It was really gross and she had no insight that others found it distasteful, again I think because she was quite selfish and immature she didn't understand any view point other than her own (I've got this great scheme and it's going to be great for ME! I'm so clever I've got life all worked out! sort of vibe).

I didn't keep in touch with this couple but they did get married in the end, don't know how their living / earning arrangements actually worked out.

I don't know if you're a generally selfish person or how well you treat your husband generally. But if you are building up personal savings and he can't, or you are spending large amounts of money on yourself and he can't - I think you should ask yourself why or how is it fair that you can do these things (have savings, spend on yourself) more than your husband when you both work and earn the same, and both contribute the same to the household in terms of labour. Do you think you deserve more than your husband? For what reason? I think if he is paying the bills but your side of the income is being used for things you both benefit from (cleaner, cook, extra holiday bonuses) or for the kids then that's very different.

You might also want to consider whether it is financially prudent to have one income "going spare" when you have outstanding debts such as a mortgage. And also what financial considerations you have in place for your children's futures.

I think you also need to gain some social awareness that bragging about your disposable income, cook and cleaner, and your and your husband's minimal need to work to earn a living is not going to endear other people to you. They will think you are an insensitive braggart and they would be right.

I'd guess your husband has more money than you think...to entirely support a family and with a cook and a cleaner etc on £50k would be hard going. It is unusual though, yes. My dp pays about 80% of the bills etc, but I do all the admin so I know exactly how much we have coming in and how much we have going out.

The jealousy from some women on here is unreal.

Which posts in particular?

I think maybe the investments pay good dividends.

I pay a higher percentage of the bills because I earn more.
I wouldn’t be doing so if we earned the same. It would be 50/50. Is your dh happy with the arrangement.

It’s unsurprising that a lot of posters are saying it’s fine if both parties are happy. This is mumsnet after all and a man paying more than is fair is ok.

a woman paying more than they should is always told to change it, that their man is taking the piss, and probably abusive. That happened whether she says she’s happy with the split or not. She’s persuaded to realise it’s actually unfair and she should do something about it.

I think you should pay in proportion to income. If your husband thinks he’s happy with the current set up he just doesn’t realise he’s being treated unfairly.

I really wouldn't share my family's financial setup with anyone outside of my partner and dc - and even with dc, I don't share all the ins and outs. That's where you went wrong, op! Your setup is fine if you and your partner are happy with it, that's all that matters.

I think he should pay for the cook, and you should pay for the butler

What about the valet and the scullery maid?

“What does it matter if a woman does most of the housework. As long as both parties are happy it’s fine, some women like to look after their families”

I don’t think this has ever been said on mumsnet and wouldn’t go down well if it was.

Im not convinced by the OP’s wide-eyed faux naivety either. “Oh gosh is this not how everyone in the UK lives? I had NO idea!” Yeah right. I expect the colleague that you told all this to is still busy picking up her eyes from the floor after they rolled out!

I'd quite like a part time job that pays £50k. And you and your DH both have one! Sounds good.

Sadly (as I'm only trained for office work) the only job I could earn that amount would involve working nights and involve lying in my back....

What do you and your husband do, OP?

I may wish to change my career to something more lucrative during the day.

We have a fairly unusual set up with our incomes, might raise a few eyebrows on here. So I don't think 2 days a week for 50k is the strange part.

I do agree that the faux naive nature of the posts, and the cook are both a bit odd. But each to their own.

I disagree with the PP who suggested posters were jealous. There are always some posters who seem to think that deep down all women really just want to be financially supported by a man and envy women who have that arrangement. There might be some women for whom that’s the case (the posters alleging jealousy presumably feel that way) but I love earning my own living and the financial independence that comes from that and I think a great many women feel that way.

But in any case, @Newbie232 - it sounds like your money is spent on the family but in different ways. Hopefully, you don’t use too much of your £50k on takeaway coffee! But you mention also paying for holidays and for work on your house ie these are significant things that benefit your family.

DH and I have never had a joint account; we have just split different types of bills between us in ways which worked for us (that has tended to mean I have paid child-related costs and he has paid for everything else). But generally people don’t discuss their financial arrangements (except anonymously on MN!) so it’s probably best not to share.

The "extra" colleague 😂

Would you say that if it was a bloke not contributing?

Yeah that's really weird. I'd be embarrassed/ashamed to contribute that little personally.

Paying for the cleaner doesn't even count because that would be part of your role anyway, and clearly it's a waste of money if your DH also has to do the cleaning.

If it works for you and your family, that’s all that matters.

I think most MNers are worried that this arrangement puts one party at a financial disadvantage- women in the UK prefer to work so they have financial independence. If you are both happy and your arrangement works then I wouldn’t care what others do.

Probably more accurate to say that some women in the UK have to work. People get caught up in the idea of having big houses and big bills and big cars and multiple holidays and lose sight of needs versus wants. Big mortgages, cars paid for by borrowing money, holidays paid with credit cards I know quite a few people who live in much smaller houses and older cars than they can ‘afford’ and instead travel, work part time, and have hobbies and interests.

Of course the Gov don’t want people to do this as they aren’t paying as much tax……… and it is sold as ‘contributing to society’.

As long as it works for your family then it's fine.

We pool our money together here. Pay off all bills, put money aside for food and then split the rest evenly. A lot of people think that's odd but it's worked for us for years.

It is to me.