Does anyone else not pay for any bills? Am I not pulling my weight?

[Newbie232]

I was having a conversation with a work colleague who was surprised when I told her I don't contribute financially to the house when it comes to certain bills.

I don't pay for the mortgage, bills, my clothes, groceries, holidays. My wage goes on fun things like coffee dates, upgrading our holidays and gifts. I also pay for our regular cleaner and cook.

Me and DH historically earnt the same amount and earned around 50k each in previous years. We both work part time.

I wasn't sure if this was a culturul difference? In my culture women don't pay for anything in the relationship. I of course do contribute when I need to (house renovations), but the overall responsibility is not mine.

I also have responsibility over the home when it comes to it but at present with small DC's, DH helps a lot. He does most of the cleaning and I do most of the cooking. He works 2 days a week and spends more time with the kids than I do(for now). Before we had kids I would do a solid 70% of household chores but things have changed since.

Is this normal? I know it sounds like I'm not pulling my weight right now but I did give birth to the kids. I also struggled a lot during maternity leave to support DH's career progression so I only expect the same level of investment.

The money you earn is still being contributed to household things/ activities so I think it’s fine - there’s no need to split each bill if there’s plenty of money and presumably he knows how much you earn and could ask you to contribute if needed.

However if you have lots of savings that you wouldn’t allow him to access if needed, or you spend all your money on treats for you while he hasn’t got anything left for what he’d like, then I’d think that was unusual.

If something happened to your DH, would you cope? I’ve seen older ladies who have been very vulnerable when their husbands died because they didn’t know how the household finances worked and had never had to budget - it was horrible having to watch them ‘learn’ in their 80s/90s. It sounds like you’re a sensible person who would be fine though!

I think if you're both happy it's fine. As l9ng as your husband has equal money to spend on fun things for him.

What does your husband think of this set up? Have you discussed it with him?

Disagree. If OP’s DH is happy with the status quo, then why is it an issue?

child rearing is bloody hard work and I would guess that the household load isn’t 50:50.

OP instead of asking on here (where you will no doubt be berated for not having an ‘equal’ split) just ask your husband if he feels taken advantage of.

some men like to support their families.

I guess the flip side of your wage not contributing to the household is that your job will always be seen as unimportant and lesser to the job of the one who actually pays the bills.
Putting women on a pedestal usually has roots in misogyny rather than equality.

Seems unfair to me.

Not really, if you value motherhood and the contribution women make in creating humans.

is that an unimportant job?

It's fine. It's all income to be used by the family so how you split it doesn't matter.
You could start contributing to the bills and your dh's income could start to cover what you do, if that's important.
We have a similar set up. We both worked full time and contributed equally to the bills, then when we had kids and I switched to part time, dh covered all the bills and my money covered all the extras like things kids or us needed, home maintenance, fun stuff.
It doesn't matter if you're both happy with the set up.

Is fatherhood unimportant?
We aren't talking about someone taking on a SAHP role here. Both people earning equal money, one doing it to support the family and one not.

Are you joint owner of the house on the deeds?

I’m just amazed your husband can pay for everything when he only works 2 days a week?! We need the majority of both our incomes to cover household bills and food. Surely you should be asking your DH if he’s happy with this set up - it’s not fair if he doesn’t have any money left for himself.

If they are married then all of OP’s money is a marital asset. So unless she’s spending it on the sly or stashing it in an offshore trust, she is still also contributing financially.

fatherhood is obviously important but not as important when children are very young and likely to be breastfeeding etc.

if the arrangement works for them, I don’t see why it matters.

Does your husband get to spend on himself?

Can I ask what culture it is? Asking for a friend

The cultural aspect only is relevant if the woman is not financially independent. Therefore, she is dependent on her husband or children for household and other expenses. However, in that same culture, the situation is different if both spouses are earning. It doesn't have to be 50/50 split but usually there is some contribution.

came here to say I am like you. My DH pays all bills and has never ask me to contribute. I work FT but earn less than him however he works a lot more. My money is mostly for my leisure but I am a a very sensible spender and also will not hold back if he needed help or ask for contribution of course.
My parents have similiar set up where both work FT and my mother has significantly more in savings which she offers to be spent on big holidays for whole family.
I have also wondered if this set up is cultural influenced…

Managing to pay bills as a a childless adult is completely different to having to do it once you have children.

Your set up is unusual in England, so that's why your colleage was surprised.

I'd also suggest it's unusual within more traditional cultures (where the woman wouldn't be expected to work at all).

So I guess it's odd in either case to have a colleage tell you that they don't pay any of the household main bills and are essentially working for fun money.

You should also be aware that people don't generally divulge this level of detail to colleagues, which might be the other reason you got the strange reaction.

How much do you earn?

How old are your dc now? How can you both afford to work part time yet have a cleaner and cook?

It does sound unfair: your h is paying for everything, you keep all your money to spend on yourself, and yet he does more cleaning and childcare than you do.

What do you do with all your spare time? It doesn't sound like a very fair relationship.

Why don't you over pay on the mortgage so you get rid of it faster instead if wasting it on coffee dates & fun things? You sound like a bit of a freeloader rather than a smart person.

Sod what other people think - if the current arrangement suits you and your husband then stick with it. I think it’s lovely to be a stay at home mum and not having to send your children to a nursery but look after them yourself - if you are financially able to. Just make sure you make some voluntary pension contributions so you’re not left without a pension later in life.

I think most MNers are worried that this arrangement puts one party at a financial disadvantage- women in the UK prefer to work so they have financial independence. If you are both happy and your arrangement works then I wouldn’t care what others do.

The best thing about X I would have expected a comment about kindness or one of his other attributes, as perhaps your colleague did? Oops are u X or hubby? It still something I.would not expect someone to say. If u r both happy with the arrangement, that's fine.

Sounds like you're a child and he's your dad. Bizarre..

If it works for you and your DH, then that's all that matters really. As long as you're properly covered for all eventualities, such as death, divorce, critical illness etc.

It wouldn't be how I would choose to organise my finances though, and it wouldn't be the kind of relationship that I would ever want. Each to their own, I guess.

Sounds like quite a nice set up.

dh and I pay money (rough a % of income) into a “bills” account which is in joint names. Mortgage and bills come out of that but because dh earns a lot more he does pay a lot more. I have access to that account if needed but I never have to touch it thankfully

I have my own account for stuff for me and the kids. I had a career break for a while with a small income and at that time didn’t pay into the “bills” account at all (despite me being named on it) which I suppose is similar to your current set up.

it feels right to me though that assets are generally shared rather than in the husband’s name only, even if the husband earns far more.