Does anyone else not pay for any bills? Am I not pulling my weight?

[Newbie232]

I was having a conversation with a work colleague who was surprised when I told her I don't contribute financially to the house when it comes to certain bills.

I don't pay for the mortgage, bills, my clothes, groceries, holidays. My wage goes on fun things like coffee dates, upgrading our holidays and gifts. I also pay for our regular cleaner and cook.

Me and DH historically earnt the same amount and earned around 50k each in previous years. We both work part time.

I wasn't sure if this was a culturul difference? In my culture women don't pay for anything in the relationship. I of course do contribute when I need to (house renovations), but the overall responsibility is not mine.

I also have responsibility over the home when it comes to it but at present with small DC's, DH helps a lot. He does most of the cleaning and I do most of the cooking. He works 2 days a week and spends more time with the kids than I do(for now). Before we had kids I would do a solid 70% of household chores but things have changed since.

Is this normal? I know it sounds like I'm not pulling my weight right now but I did give birth to the kids. I also struggled a lot during maternity leave to support DH's career progression so I only expect the same level of investment.

This! Honestly, do what works best for you and your family. You don't have to justify yourself about 'pulling your weight to anyone'. There is no unwritten rule that says that things should be done in a certain way.

It's quite common in my culture for women to have cooks. So it's not a fancy private chef. Moreso, a lady who cooks wholesome meals. It's not as expensive as it sounds. But the price varies a lot depending on the food you would like.

I used to work in a largely Muslim organisation and in the more traditional marriages it was the husband's duty to provide and a wife's right to expect that, and her money was her own, lots of the women also worked and earned well

That sounds like you were bragging. It’s a pretty crude way to talk about money.

I don’t believe anyone in the uk works 2days a week and supports a family (with a cleaner and a chef cooking meals)

Although I think there is a caveat that says the wife shouldn't spend the husband's wealth to excess or extravagance, but to suffice the needs of herself and her children and in extreme circumstances like it she can't feed the children she can take his money without his explicit consent

Well not really, if the OP was a bloke the word cocklodger would be drifting around.

Unless you are loaded as a family (are you? you mention 100k joint income but a private chef?) then it’s likely to cause resentment in the long run

You should be splitting everything equally, which I think you know, or you wouldn’t be asking. Equal contributions to family spending, equal spending money, equal labour (as in whether it’s a job, childcare or housekeeping) and equal time off. I know in some eg Muslim cultures the husband’s money is for the family and the wife’s is her own, but in the Uk I think your husband is going to absorb other values and resent you eventually. Unless you have a whopping private income, as I say.

DH has two sources of income, one from his actual job and one from property and investments.

He has earned a lot more working 2 days a week in the past. He is very good with money but is currently not putting very much effort into work and moreso into the kids. I work 3/4 days a week.

I think he might earn more than 50k but I don't really know. I think it's roughly that much.

Learn boundaries. Don't be telling colleagues this!

Well if you watch the kids 4 days while he’s off work and you work more .. you deserve for him to pay the majority 😊

What culture do you come from OP? I can’t imagine not paying for my own clothes.

This to me (and probably DH) this sounds strange. He takes a lot of pride in providing for the family. If I do it, it's sort of insulting to him.

I think that sometimes as a couple, you have good years and bad years. For example, when the kids were smaller I was putting in so much more. DH was very supportive but there was only so much he could do with the kids. Now that things are easier I think we recognise as a couple that perhaps it's my time to focus on my career.

The only thing I feel uneasy about it all the childcare DH is doing. I feel bad about that, but he does enjoy it and has lots of help from his family so maybe I'm over thinking it.

I think your colleague's reaction might partly be due to it being very unusual to be so rich that half the household income isn't needed to pay a large proportion of necessities.

Earning £50,000 a year working only 2 days a week sounds amazing.

It's also more usual for a married couple to pool their income, so it's shared money paying for shared living expenses.

As others have said, though, if you're both happy with it and it works for you, that's what matters.

I'm very curious to know your culture!

Well we aren’t from the same culture so that is a difference. However, my experience is when contributions are unequal, it can work when the good times roll, but when things get more pressured, resentment builds up.

You want to know what your partner earns OP, it’s kind of key to your family finances.

Oh I see... I never really understood how all my family members pay for things and others don't. My family members earn a lot less and they have the same financial set up. Are two incomes really necessary?

Maybe we all just have crap houses and small mortgages 😂🤔

It varies a lot though because some of it is business and DH has only recently gone to 2 days a week. He sometimes adds in extra work if he can have family take care of the kids. So it's very variable.

I prefer being oblivious if I'm honest.

I would be very unhappy with this setup if I was your DH, but presumably he's fine with it? In which case, crack on.

What an odd post- surely you’ve been around to know what the “norm” is and that you happen to be very fortunate?

I think by the sounds of things if you broke up you'd be financially disadvantaged as you have not paid any bills. Do you have tons of savings as a result or do you spend it all on fun stuff? If so that stuff doesn't count in contributing. I'd be worried about this set up unless it's allowed you to amass wealth on the side.

OP, it’s unusual in the UK to have a private chef, a housekeeper, and to have so much money that neither of you really need to work and that £50k is seen as pin money that you can fritter on coffee.

That’s what your colleague is startled by. Most people would need that £50k to pay the mortgage. It’s fine to be well off, but comes across as rather disingenuous that you don’t realise that.

I'd hate to be so dependent on anyone else. What if you divorced & your DH claimed that you made mo substantial contributions? He could prove it via bank statements.

Have you got a pension or pension savings?

You do contribute. Without your income you wouldn't have the nicer holidays, the restaurants, cafes and the nice things that mean life is not such a drudge.

Contributing to house renovations again means that you are living in better conditions than you'd live in without your income and in general home improvements, although less frequent, are considerably more than monthly bills.

We have a similar set up (without the additional incomes from different sources and without the cleaner and chef unfortunately!).

I wouldn't take any notice of people who say you should pay half. You do contribute not least because you do a lot of the childcare which is arguably the hardest part. What you are doing is working for you.

However I wouldn't overshare this information with other people like your colleagues. It literally is none of their business.