Does anyone else not pay for any bills? Am I not pulling my weight?

[Newbie232]

I was having a conversation with a work colleague who was surprised when I told her I don't contribute financially to the house when it comes to certain bills.

I don't pay for the mortgage, bills, my clothes, groceries, holidays. My wage goes on fun things like coffee dates, upgrading our holidays and gifts. I also pay for our regular cleaner and cook.

Me and DH historically earnt the same amount and earned around 50k each in previous years. We both work part time.

I wasn't sure if this was a culturul difference? In my culture women don't pay for anything in the relationship. I of course do contribute when I need to (house renovations), but the overall responsibility is not mine.

I also have responsibility over the home when it comes to it but at present with small DC's, DH helps a lot. He does most of the cleaning and I do most of the cooking. He works 2 days a week and spends more time with the kids than I do(for now). Before we had kids I would do a solid 70% of household chores but things have changed since.

Is this normal? I know it sounds like I'm not pulling my weight right now but I did give birth to the kids. I also struggled a lot during maternity leave to support DH's career progression so I only expect the same level of investment.

You'd better not divorce then as you'll get one hell of a shock having to pay your mortgage, Bill's, food, insurance, etc.

Don't be oblivious. What if something happened to him??

I do have a pension and savings. I am planning on investing and have some basic investments. I've not worked for long so I've not made many contributions.

I've not thought enough about the future implications of finances if we divorce/bereavement. I just know that I need to save and invest my money. I'll definitely look into it though, thanks.

I don't think it's common to operate this way. Usually if both partners work the bills are split & then each person gets a similar amount of personal money.

It's unusual to have the person paying for everything also doing the bulk of the childcare & cleaning.

How is your DH supposed to have any money to himself if he is paying for all the bills?

I'm a bit envious of the cleaner & the personal chef 😊

No cultural influences here OP - I don’t pay for any bills either. My husband pays it all.

I do pay for his mobile phone though so I guess that’s something 😂

I only work 14 hours a week. He works full time.

No, I've managed fine in the past without him. I lived on my own for 6 years before we got married.

It doesn't matter. Any arrangement is fine as long as you and your DH are happy with it... he probably feels that it's all family money anyway, and trusts that you'll 'step up' if there ever comes a situation where your contribution is needed. It's a pretty common arrangement in my social circle.

You’re scaring me now.

You can’t be oblivious to your finances - for your sake or your kids. You have to know what you have so you can plan - from pensions to university fees.

What are you going to do if he isn’t investing for your pensions properly, or if he fucks off or gets hit by a bus.

Knowing what you have as a couple is a lot more important than who pays the bills.

It is not cool to act like a kid around money when you are adult with kids of your own.

Usually if both partners work the bills are split & then each person gets a similar amount of personal money

How do you know that? I don't talk about our personal financial circumstances and arrangements with many - I think just three other people over years and years and the women all keep more of their own income to spend as they choose.

Obviously they use some of it for shared expenses too but they are for the bigger, infrequent costs E.g. my sister buys the groceries in her house (two adults and no kids/pets). The rest of her income is hers to spend but like the OP she still pays for most of the holidays, her own clothes, beauty treatments, pension, her car and car tax/insurance. Her DH pays the mortgage, his own car tax/ins and all household bills, phones.

Another person I know earns more than her DH. She is the higher earner. She looks after all the bills (mortgage free) other than cars and her DH spends his income. She does not dole out half the remaining amount so her and her DH have the same amount of disposable income.

Another friend works part-time and her DH pays for everything.

None of them have joint accounts.

You can't imagine it. Really? What do you think SAHP's do - make their own clothes?

It really isn't as wild as you appear to think it is.

Is this a joke? It has to be.
We all have kids ....but we all work. And even if we only worked part time or didnt work, we definitely didn't hire a cook and a cleaner. It makes you sound very lazy and entitled.
I think it's one thing your husband paying for the mortgage and bills but clothes too? That should be your problem. Out of all the woman in the world to have picked I wouldn't say he picked a good deal.

The OP has a job, so yeah, it’s pretty wild

Which culture is that?
It's (very) fancy to be able to afford a cook (and a cleaner) and work to days a week.

You are south asian? I am South asian. I was a SAHM for a long time and contributed by looking after our child and house. I sacrificed my career potential, my family and my network of friends when I got married. I am the one who deals with the house stuff and is on top of family engagements on his side. I am the one who went through a miscarriage and gave birth after a difficult pregnancy. I am the one who cried through breastfeeding, mastitis and health issues after all the stress his family gave me. So it's only fair. Equality is not always just. I am just going back to work and enjoying the freedom of my money. I am under no pressure and am not expected to contribute. We had agreed on it before we married. I know it might sound weird to someone from this culture but we don't really care about other's opinion. He earns enough to be able to support a family. It works for us and we are happy with it.
Culturally and religiously, my money is my money and his money is shared money.

Living in west we do not have house help but yes back home we do have house help. It's quite common.

OP - are you by any chance Pakistani/Indian and/or Muslim?

In Islam, the man has a duty to financially provide. It's compulsory for a muslim man provide food, clothing and shelter for his wife and children. A woman can work but she doesn't have to. His money is for the family but her wealth belongs to her unless she chooses to contribute.

However, are you new to the country? Surely you must be aware that this is not the norm in the UK and the cost of living is so high nowadays? You should also be aware of how much money you have coming in to the household- not sure why you would choose to be "oblivous" as that's just irresponsible.

Lots of strangely super-surprised people here.
Just because something sits outside your regular realm of experience, expectation or even values, it doesn't mean it's highly unusual or 'wild'. Don't you mix much with women from cultures other than your own?
jOP is doing a pretty good job of explaining their set-up, including the woman who cooks OP's family an additional 5 meals per week. I've had friends from Algeria and the Phillipines make my family meals for several days, handed to me in a plastic carrier and packaged in catering foil containers. This was technically 'a woman cooking (in her own home) some wholesome meals' and very lovely, but far from what miost people consider the remit of 'a private chef'.

OP, all you've got to do is ensure your own pensions, insurances, savings and investments are in order, that your marriage will be recognised in British law in the event of a break-up and that you keep on reviewing your arrangement periodically to avoid any resentment.

This makes sense. If you live off one income but have two, it leaves a lot more wiggle room if you have to cut back in the future. We should all do this. Spend less. Stop being caught in the more, more, more culture.

I was a SAHM for years so we learned to live off DH income, really well actually. Now we still live off his income and mine was used to clear rest of mortgage and now goes into our joint retirement fund. His goes to bills, living expenses and other savings.

My husband pays all the bills including our DC’s nursery fees I pay for the food shop only. He earns very well and it’s an amazing provider has never once complained about money. I set up my own business after maternity leave that now brings in more than enough for me to contribute but he doesn’t expect it. Just count yourself lucky 🙂 Some men like to be a provider.

Can't you just share everything as married with kids. Would be in law anyway.

Joint accounts etc maybe some personal spending that's equal.

I no longer pay a bean. However I worked full time all my life AND did all the child rearing and everything at home including garden, decorating, DIY etc as DH worked away from home. Over the last few years it got too much and DH said I’d earned taking voluntary redundancy and I left, at 57.

he pays for everything now and we have always had joint finances so everything he earns is mine to spend as I see fit.

he has a lot of faults lol but I can’t complain about generosity.

I think he knows what side his bread is really buttered.

Are you on benefits, is that why you both work part time?

I have a couple of friends from middle class Indian backgrounds who have this expectation (I think they’re middle class - parents are professionals, and so are they but I don’t know if they would label themselves like that). They have a very different idea of the contract of marriage. I can see how it grew up historically but in modern UK life it seems a bit anachronistic. Though, to be fair, I don’t really know what their obligations to the marriage are.

With the chef thing, lots of Asians have someone come in and cook for them once a week. They would cook for a few hours (in London, approx 15 per hour), you provide ingredients, then they make a set of dishes which you can then freeze or eat through the week. I know several young professionals who have this plus some middle aged couples with families. It's not a huge luxury really.

It sounds odd to me, but I'm single & live alone, so I expect my life would seem odd to you! I think you should do what works best for you and your family, and not worry about what other people / cultures think.