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Original poster

DP projecting affair onto me?

117 replies

peachyheath · 19/08/2024 22:30

I am not sure how to view this. My DP of 8 years is much older than me, we have been in a sexless relationship for past 4 years. Before anyone asks why we are even together - it is complicated atm. I'd rather focus on the 'projecting'. DP commutes to work and I work from home. We both have a routine. I work professionaly , do all the housework, cooking, shopping. He does treat me as his carer and servant tbh. As I am much younger and fitter he tends to make comments about me to diminish me. I got used to it. I know it is envy. He treats me a bit like an arm candy if we go out and gets angry if I do not want to join him on some ocassions. I do not go out on my own. I do go for my daily walk as obviously working from home limits my 10k steps. In a last year or so he started making really unfair and nasty comments that I probably go for those walks with some guy. I always go the same route and listen to a podcast. The comments got worse and worse to the point where now if I start setting up a table for our dinner and I am half way through and say I put two coasters and two glasses out but no plates and cutlery yet, he makes a comments that I bring my lover home and not clear the glasses and that I am so useless can not even hide evidence. As I know his character and he can be a spiteful person I find all this more and more distrurbing. I have not got an affair eventhough we sleep in separate bedrooms (he snores and doesnt want to do anything about it). His friends told him I am out of his league 8 y ago yet we got together and now I find myself uncomfortable mainly due to his behaviour. If in comparison I have had made a comment like he did to me, he would literally yell at me. I am starting to wonder what is his tactic? Is he trying to plant a seed in my head or he is cheating by projecting it onto me?

OP posts:
Wombbaalaa · 19/08/2024 22:35

I wonder why exactly it is that you want to focus on this rather than the bigger issue of…
why are you staying for this?

Babbahabba · 19/08/2024 22:38

OP you sound like you have so much going for him and he sounds awful! I don't think anyone can ignore the question of why you stay with him, affair or not?

Gonk123 · 19/08/2024 22:41

Why are you with him?

chimchiminey · 19/08/2024 22:43

Do You feel respected? Cherished? That is how a relationship is supposed to make both feel. My DP is over twenty years older than me, he wouldn’t dream of behaving like any of that! What happens when you tell him firmly that you don’t like these comments, they aren’t funny, and to stop?

Life is too short you know.

Lulooo · 19/08/2024 22:45

I think he’s very lucky to have you and you, unfortunately are quite unlucky to have him. Honestly- I think you can do much better than him. Unless there’s some really pressing issues that you haven’t then, I can’t see why you would stay in such a loveless, demeaning and unhealthy marriage.

HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 19/08/2024 22:47

Why are you tying yourself in knots trying to understand him? He's treating you like shit because he can, because he doesn't respect or really care about you.

Do yourself a favour and leave - he won't change.

DadJoke · 19/08/2024 22:49

He is absolutely telling on himself. I think you need to be very careful when you inevitably leave him - jealousy can turn to anger with coercive control.

ThatTealViewer · 19/08/2024 22:56

If he was cheating on you, would you leave him? Would the ‘complications’ vanish? Are you asking because that’s the trigger you need?

H112 · 19/08/2024 22:59

Imagine yourself ten years from now and you are still in the same boat.

You deserve a man that cherishes you and a sex life ❤️

Noseybookworm · 19/08/2024 22:59

Does it matter why? The fact is he is not very nice to you a lot of the time. OP it sounds like an abusive relationship. You don't have to live like this, being his slave and having no life of your own outside of the home. You have a job, you can leave him. What's stopping you? Are you afraid of him?

SkaneTos · 19/08/2024 23:00

"Before anyone asks why we are even together - it is complicated atm. I'd rather focus on the 'projecting'."

If I were you, I would definitely focus on why you are even together with this person.
Why do you want to be with him? Are you in love with him? Do you think he is a good life partner? Does he enrich your life?

mathanxiety · 19/08/2024 23:04

You're asking the wrong questions here.

The only question is whether you feel you have any option but to stay.

And if the answer to this is yes, then this man's game is domination and abuse, and you need to get help from Women's Aid to leave.

Why are you putting up with this bullshit?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/08/2024 23:05

He's trying to stop you leaving the house because the hassle if you do isn't worth it. If you stop going out, he'll probably move on to you inviting men into the house (which he's clearly starting) and that he needs a camera indoors to check on you. And, naturally, seeing all of your internet history - you do log right out and haven't saved your MN password, don't you? - checking your phone, having online affairs via your work Teams and then accusing you of shagging the bloke from Amazon/random workmen. By the end of it, you'll be getting grief for brushing your teeth and hair and accused of thoughts of infidelity.

I can't advise you more strongly to just get the hell out now.

mathanxiety · 19/08/2024 23:06

And it's not because you're younger and fitter that he makes comments to diminish you.

It's because he's an abusive twat.

Original poster
peachyheath · 19/08/2024 23:29

you all got me thinking and I agree with PP I am asking the wrong questions. I had a very strange situation recently - I had a cleint for months that I had to do some work for on Saturdays, it did not bother me until the project became unreasonable (technical stuff) anyway DP convinced me I should drop it and get my Saturdays back but of course this would mean I'd be shorter moneywise each month. DP suggested I can do some work for his business to make that up. My gut feel was - he is lying. When I left the project he then told me that he will not require me working for him as paying me did not make sense to him.
Another one was with a house. Despite being mortgage free he has been pestering me for years about a house together (and a mortgage). Friend told me he wants to tie me up financially so I can not leave easily.

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 20/08/2024 00:02

Why don't you leave? What's keeping you in this relationship?

Iwantamarshmallowman · 20/08/2024 00:11

do u not live together? if not then it would be much easier to leave.

Harvesthome · 20/08/2024 00:14

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/08/2024 23:05

He's trying to stop you leaving the house because the hassle if you do isn't worth it. If you stop going out, he'll probably move on to you inviting men into the house (which he's clearly starting) and that he needs a camera indoors to check on you. And, naturally, seeing all of your internet history - you do log right out and haven't saved your MN password, don't you? - checking your phone, having online affairs via your work Teams and then accusing you of shagging the bloke from Amazon/random workmen. By the end of it, you'll be getting grief for brushing your teeth and hair and accused of thoughts of infidelity.

I can't advise you more strongly to just get the hell out now.

100% this and he’ll keep you awake all night quizzing you about it so you’re sleep deprived and your work suffers. You’ll be shagging the window cleaner, the postman, the young man who tries to get you to donate to charity, all the Amazon delivery drivers and gazing into the eyes of colleagues on your Teams meetings before arranging secret trysts with them.
Run like Mo Farah from this man.

Harvesthome · 20/08/2024 00:22

Do not get a mortgage with this man! I’ve just realised you are allowed to leave the house (for now) and you could see men out there. That just gives him more ammunition for his delusions.This is just the beginning. This is textbook coercive control. Please contact Women’s Aid, Refuge, local domestic abuse organisations.

Starseeking · 20/08/2024 00:32

You need to leave this man, he sounds awful.

If I were you there is no way in earth I would give up my solely owned mortgage free home to tie myself to this lump with a mortgage.

Wake up and run away from him!

jannier · 20/08/2024 00:35

He's sapping the life out of you is this the life you want? Is he tracking you with your phone?

rainbowlou · 20/08/2024 00:50

Does he live with you in your mortgage free house? Please get rid of him, change the locks and send him packing.

BobbyBiscuits · 20/08/2024 00:52

This sounds a deeply bizarre arrangement.
No love whatsoever from him, and no sexual contact for half your relationship? I do not see why you stay. Even if you had kids you'd be better off the hell away from him.
Could you seek counselling? You sound a bit insecure the way you speak of yourself and your low expectations of your partner.
He does not seem to care about your feelings or wish to change. You can waste the rest of your life of you can start afresh.

Michellebops · 20/08/2024 00:56

In my experience if a partner spends a lot of time accusing you of having an affair, they're the ones usually playing away or thinking about it.
By spending their time accusing totally deflecting the attention that could be spent on them.

This is not a good relationship you're in

Ger1atricMillennial · 20/08/2024 01:12

It doesn't matter why he is projecting or doing anything else. This man is not an exciting puzzle you can solve, and he will romantically see that he has treated you badly. You can't change him and honestly, you sound scared of him. This is not a good life.

You can only choose how you respond. By your OP I would suggest speaking to someone professional, learn that you are worth respect and kindness.

Then leave...

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