DP projecting affair onto me?

[peachyheath]

I am not sure how to view this. My DP of 8 years is much older than me, we have been in a sexless relationship for past 4 years. Before anyone asks why we are even together - it is complicated atm. I'd rather focus on the 'projecting'. DP commutes to work and I work from home. We both have a routine. I work professionaly , do all the housework, cooking, shopping. He does treat me as his carer and servant tbh. As I am much younger and fitter he tends to make comments about me to diminish me. I got used to it. I know it is envy. He treats me a bit like an arm candy if we go out and gets angry if I do not want to join him on some ocassions. I do not go out on my own. I do go for my daily walk as obviously working from home limits my 10k steps. In a last year or so he started making really unfair and nasty comments that I probably go for those walks with some guy. I always go the same route and listen to a podcast. The comments got worse and worse to the point where now if I start setting up a table for our dinner and I am half way through and say I put two coasters and two glasses out but no plates and cutlery yet, he makes a comments that I bring my lover home and not clear the glasses and that I am so useless can not even hide evidence. As I know his character and he can be a spiteful person I find all this more and more distrurbing. I have not got an affair eventhough we sleep in separate bedrooms (he snores and doesnt want to do anything about it). His friends told him I am out of his league 8 y ago yet we got together and now I find myself uncomfortable mainly due to his behaviour. If in comparison I have had made a comment like he did to me, he would literally yell at me. I am starting to wonder what is his tactic? Is he trying to plant a seed in my head or he is cheating by projecting it onto me?

OK. To stick with your specific question. No I don't think he is projecting. For him to be projecting he would need to be having an affair himself, and from what you've said, it doesn't seem massively likely he could attract an affair partner. I think its far more likely he knows full well that he hasn't a hope of hanging on to you with the life and relationship he is offering and either genuinely believes you are getting sex elsewhere (men do project this on to us, thinking we are as motivated by it as they are/were when younger) or that its only a matter of time. Id say he's accusing to be resssured. Personally id not play though. He doesnt deserve it.

Run!!

Hi. If the tenancy is in your sole name and he is not on the tenancy, which is how this sounds to me, just get him gone back to his own house and DC. His behaviour sounds like coercive control to me and that it’s escalating quite quickly. I know that I am not you, but if I were, I’d be taking on board every word that other Mumsnetters are saying.
I might even put my tenancy notice in, find somewhere else and move without telling him. He sounds horrible.
This is 2024 and you do not have to put up with this nonsense. He clearly has no respect for you and doesn’t listen. Oh, change all your passwords and PINs too. Make sure that you log out of everything properly every time that he is in your home.

good advice.

"I made this choice a decade ago by getting into this however back then he wanted to marry me and promised me a child but as I got more imbedded the prospect of it vanished."

You made this choice, sounds like some phrase he has said to you. It wasn't a lifelong contract signed in blood. You made the choice based on false promises he made about marriage and children. He hasn't lived up to his side of the bargain and in any case you are allowed to change your mind - you don't even have to give a reason or justify it.

So sorry you are in this situation OP, it sounds worse with every post. His plan to have you move in with his "very strange" lazy son and be a housekeeper for both of them is a Big No No, and at the moment it sounds like he finds it easy to persuade you to do what he says so you must act asap because from what you say about his comments to you on cheating, it does sound like his unpleasant behavour is escalating.

And do call Women's aid to help you make an exit plan. And seek support from friends/family. You mentioned one of your friend's earlier. It's taken time to get to this point and you need all the help you can get to extract yourself.

You rent the flat. He has his own house - give him his marching orders, but get support because he sounds really unpleasant.

I really hope that the comments on this thread have given you pause for thought and helped you to see that you don't have to put up with this vile behaviour.
You owe this person nothing.
You owe yourself everything.
You deserve to have a life where you are in charge of what you do, with people who treat you well.
He has robbed you of your confidence and faith in yourself and you need to get it back, because you are worth so much more.

I'm so sorry. You deserve better and there is better out there.
I think it's time to call it a day xx

You must part, for the sake of your own sanity, peachy. He can go back to his house, you may get some housing benefit to help you with rent or you can look for somewhere else that you can afford.

I know it is a huge upheaval but you really cannot go on as you are.

Please do it, the longer you leave it the harder it will be. He is not a very nice man and you can do better but, for now, would be better off alone.

Good luck.

Please do not give up your rented accommodation x

You are too good for him, you are much younger and he is not even grateful. Getting a young bf wouldn’t be a bad idea anyway, what’s he going to do leave you? Well then that would suit you just fine.

I am wondering why would you wonder what is his tactic instead of how to pack his bags and shut the door behind.

Stay in your accommodation. Do not leave. Give him notice. Tell him you want him out by a certain date. As you are not married and it’s your name solely on the tenancy, he has no legal right to be there. If he’s abusive then you can get a court order to make him leave. I would do this immediately and don’t waste any more time. He’s got a home.

If you're unhappy enough to offload your feelings like this, you have nothing to lose by leaving. He is grinding you down.

@peachyheath

Years passing by and with our joint income it is easier but I could not rent alone anywhere.

Could not rent what you have now, you mean? Can you downsize? Move back home? Frankly, I'd rather live with my parents, rent a room, or live in shared accommodation than living with the abuse (yes, abuse) that you're living with now.

My income has dropped over the years.

Can you work more hours? Change jobs? Second job? Again, I'd do that rather than live with him in his house.

DP is now forcing his way so that I move to his house, as renting makes no sense.

It makes absolute sense for YOU to rent, on your own. It makes absolute sense FOR HIM to move the both of you to his house where you'll basically be at his beck and call to skivvy for him and his son.

I'm not in the UK so don't know all the resources available, I think I've heard of Shelter? And of course WA. He is both emotionally and financially abusing you. I say financially because he has manipulated you into a financial position where you apparently cannot afford to be on your own. But you need to get out now. Please use whatever resources are available.

Come on, he's just a nasty little man. Concentrate on increasing your income, and finding an escape route.

Look up the freedom programme it can help you x

If there was ever a post where LTB was appropriate this is it!!!!

You need to make plans and leave otherwise you will be a servant forever

I'd rather focus on the 'projecting'.

And there, in one sentence right at the beginning of your OP, is the problem in a nutshell.

Stop being a doormat.

OP you are not married to this man. You have no children. You have intimacy, no fun and you are working as well as carrying all of the load of running the home.
But - it’s your home. That’s something.
This man saw you coming with bells on, got a trophy on his arm and carer, too.
If you move in with him and his DC you will effectively hand whatever life you have to him. As he gets older you will become even more of a skivvy as well as a servant to his DC. Your money will financing both of them.
You may not be in a very strong financial position in your mind, but your carer has been sabotaged at times by this man. On your own, you can really get back to firing your skills and confidence further.
I don’t know this man but to be quite frank he doesn’t care for you on any level. You are an emotional punchbag.
And the scenario of living with him and his son sounds like one of those documentaries that turn into a horror story.
Projection? Far more important issues at hand here like your safety.
Your story is so disturbing and worrying even to a stranger like me.

Do you have children together? If not, then I'd say there's no reason for you to delay leaving him.
If you have children, then I understand why it wouldn't be so easy.

I’d rather rent a room in a share house or be a lodger than live with a man like that.

From what you have written, he seems to be attempting to get you into a position of being under his coercive control, so that you cannot ever leave. Even he knows that he’s not an attractive partner and needs you to be even more dependent on him. Your friend is absolutely correct and it’s quite obvious even to us strangers.

I’d do it now while it’s easier to do so. It’s so much easier to leave when you don’t have kids.

@peachyheath be glad you aren't married to him or had a kid with him. Now is the time to make him leave!

So your are basically with him, because you get free and accommodation and stuff, what would a woman call a bloke who does that, move out and support yourself.

fuck off.hes a cunt.and you're no the brightest
you asked.
now thats out the way.
drop him like the wrinkly old septic baw bag he is.just go. skipping all the fuck away
his mates were right.
am wee bit with you on they accuse you of what they are (capableof)doing
regardless.
wtf are you hang about with that for?
there is literally a millionty men on the planet -hes just a blip
you-however are a unique and wonderful one off thing. get yer coat-slam the fuckin door and change your phone number.block the hell out him n anyone else you ever catch treating you like shite.
aibu?

You’re imprisoned in a dreadful situation, but you don’t have to be. You can leave!!!!!
Please do your best to leave this awful man. Get support from Women’s Aid or similar. You are a domestic abuse victim at the moment.
Best wishes. You can do it!!!

What the fuck are you talking about? She pays rent.

Slightly off topic but it’s shocking that many people working full time can’t afford to rent alone nowadays in many parts of the UK

If you are unemployed or have children under 18 you can get benefit top ups or but if you’re childfree and in full-time work you’re pretty much screwed if you can’t afford it. So many people are staying in terrible relationships because the alternative is to flatshare.