DP projecting affair onto me?

[peachyheath]

I am not sure how to view this. My DP of 8 years is much older than me, we have been in a sexless relationship for past 4 years. Before anyone asks why we are even together - it is complicated atm. I'd rather focus on the 'projecting'. DP commutes to work and I work from home. We both have a routine. I work professionaly , do all the housework, cooking, shopping. He does treat me as his carer and servant tbh. As I am much younger and fitter he tends to make comments about me to diminish me. I got used to it. I know it is envy. He treats me a bit like an arm candy if we go out and gets angry if I do not want to join him on some ocassions. I do not go out on my own. I do go for my daily walk as obviously working from home limits my 10k steps. In a last year or so he started making really unfair and nasty comments that I probably go for those walks with some guy. I always go the same route and listen to a podcast. The comments got worse and worse to the point where now if I start setting up a table for our dinner and I am half way through and say I put two coasters and two glasses out but no plates and cutlery yet, he makes a comments that I bring my lover home and not clear the glasses and that I am so useless can not even hide evidence. As I know his character and he can be a spiteful person I find all this more and more distrurbing. I have not got an affair eventhough we sleep in separate bedrooms (he snores and doesnt want to do anything about it). His friends told him I am out of his league 8 y ago yet we got together and now I find myself uncomfortable mainly due to his behaviour. If in comparison I have had made a comment like he did to me, he would literally yell at me. I am starting to wonder what is his tactic? Is he trying to plant a seed in my head or he is cheating by projecting it onto me?

Your income would be higher without him - you wouldn’t drop work - you could go out when you want , do what you want .

i litterally can’t see what he is offering you .. the longer you stay the harder it is to leave he is isolating you , ensuring you don’t have financial independence , gas lighting you ( he probably is sleeping with someone else .

you want kids - isn’t going to happen with him .

I really feel for you OP and hope you can see there is a bright future without him. Listen to the part of your brain that tells you not to move in or buy with him.

Is there a friend you could stay with whilst you get back on your feet? It sounds like you could build your work and income up and then find your own place, or just rent a room.

OP, find out about “future faking” - it’s a technique abusers use to control their victims whereby they promise to provide / do / supply a tempting outcome to coerce the victim into a certain situation. Then they fail to keep the promise. And the victim is in a trap. Your posts indicate your abuser has employed the “future faking” technique multiple times to get you where he wants you.

Please consider your next steps carefully. Contact Women’s Aid for advice and support. If you are ready to leave this miserable excuse for a man then plan it and execute your plan with care.
Best wishes to you xx

Omg OP stop and live your best life without this leech!!!!!

Value yourself? Please

The good thing is you WFH so you can move to a cheaper area if needed and continue your work.

I agree with all of the other comments about you needing to leave. Yes, it will be scary to be on your own, but you won't be miserable and pulled down every day.

This may sound strange, but it sounds like you have Stockholm Syndrome. Do NOT be co-erced into tying yourself financially to him. You know he is not to be trusted and you will find yourself with a ton of debt further down the line.
Please, please get the support you need to leave this man and start living the lovely life you were meant to live.

You may feel stuck, weak, easily manipulated etc, but you can absolutely change that and become stronger, more self sufficient and independent of this man with the right support and the right mindset.

Believe me, as impossible as it may seem right now, you honestly can get away from this situation and have your own little space, a safe place without the nasty comments, possessive behaviour, gaslighting and general unhappiness. You just have to want it enough, to see that you’re worth sooo much more than what you’re settling for, to recognise you’re giving the best of yourself to a man who really doesn’t deserve it. You’re smart, capable, and once you figure out the direction you wanna head in, you will be unstoppable.

Reach out for support and advice; previous posts have great info regarding this, and get fired up - don’t settle for this shit anymore! You really do not have to.
Wishing you the best

I hate to sound mean, but who cares if he's cheating. He sounds like my ex who was 19 years older than me and was always saying similar things to me, it's insecurity. I couldn't wait to get rid of him. In time, hopefully you'll find a much more fulfilling relationship.

Kick him out

Google coercive control, gaslighting, emotional abuse. Unfortunately it will only get worse (as is already happening). You need to work on a plan to leave him. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life in this awful situation.

He sounds demented. Go for your daily walk and keep walking.

So the complicated thing I'm guessing is ypu live at his house?? Not sure what you expect people to say or advice other than this "relationship' is not healthy and should not continue

If he's a lot older than you he probably realises deep down that he's punching above his weight and so tries to bring you into lineby being unpleasant. Quite honestly I'd say that people have remarked on his age and general decline and asked what you see in him, wind him up about my lover and then leave him!
Have you sufficient finances organised to leave him?

Why are you calling him DP? He's not a partner in any sense. You don't have a healthy relationship, little care, no sex, doesn't bring you anything positive right now, and absolutely don't want to move in with him. End it now and stop wasting your life away. What would you say to your friend/family/child if they came to you with this problem?

Coevice control is a criminal offence what has been written here is all Coevice control, he has control you don't, call the police and kiss good record him saying all this nasty things to you then call the police, him getting you to drop that job is finical Coevice control call the police ps 5 year prison sentence.

Doubt he’s cheating. Who would want him? Why do you? He treats you horribly. Please leave.

I’ve been in this position. Get the hell away from him.