DP projecting affair onto me?

[peachyheath]

I am not sure how to view this. My DP of 8 years is much older than me, we have been in a sexless relationship for past 4 years. Before anyone asks why we are even together - it is complicated atm. I'd rather focus on the 'projecting'. DP commutes to work and I work from home. We both have a routine. I work professionaly , do all the housework, cooking, shopping. He does treat me as his carer and servant tbh. As I am much younger and fitter he tends to make comments about me to diminish me. I got used to it. I know it is envy. He treats me a bit like an arm candy if we go out and gets angry if I do not want to join him on some ocassions. I do not go out on my own. I do go for my daily walk as obviously working from home limits my 10k steps. In a last year or so he started making really unfair and nasty comments that I probably go for those walks with some guy. I always go the same route and listen to a podcast. The comments got worse and worse to the point where now if I start setting up a table for our dinner and I am half way through and say I put two coasters and two glasses out but no plates and cutlery yet, he makes a comments that I bring my lover home and not clear the glasses and that I am so useless can not even hide evidence. As I know his character and he can be a spiteful person I find all this more and more distrurbing. I have not got an affair eventhough we sleep in separate bedrooms (he snores and doesnt want to do anything about it). His friends told him I am out of his league 8 y ago yet we got together and now I find myself uncomfortable mainly due to his behaviour. If in comparison I have had made a comment like he did to me, he would literally yell at me. I am starting to wonder what is his tactic? Is he trying to plant a seed in my head or he is cheating by projecting it onto me?

I have read your post a few times and I think you are focusing on the wrong things.

you’re already walking on eggshells around this man, why are you staying and putting yourself through this?

God help you that this old loser is all you think you deserve.
You desperately need therapy to figure that out.
I'd rather live in a shared house renting a room any day, than your skivvy existence for an abusive piece of shit that only cares about tying you to him as a carer.

What happened to you to have so little value on your life?
You deserve so much better.

I had an ex who used to accuse me of cheating a lot, OP.

I can't be absolutely sure but I'd be very surprised if my ex was cheating. More often than not, people who do this are cheating themselves but I don't think he was.

I spent way too long trying to prove my innocence. He would spin anything I said. If I could go back in time, I would tell me to leave him. It really doesn't matter whether he's cheating.

Unless you are locked in a room 24/7, there is nothing stopping you leaving him. All other stuff can be dealt with legally.

As an abuse survivor (also from an older man who was punching above his weight with me, funnily enough) I can tell you that NOTHING is worth staying for in this situation. Money? Nope, you can earn more money. House? Nope, if you are married that will be sorted out in the divorce.

You earn. Take those earnings and run away as fast as you can. Leave the sad deluded lazy loser to wash his own fucking skiddy pants. Let him wallow in the swamp of his own making when all he is left with his a shit tip to live in, takeaways and the odd angry wank.

Why are you so passive?

Why are you putting up with this?

What does your 'D'P actually bring to this relationship ?

You own your own mortgage free home. You have a professional job
You do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping.
You are younger, fitter and active.

Wouldn't a lodger be more worthwhile? Would certainly stop the comments you're not enjoying from your partner.

Talking of projecting .. he's projecting an image to the outside world of being a normal, maybe a charming man who's got it together.

In private, he's an absolute cunt to you and is using you as his emotional punchbag.

Whether or not he's having an affair, he or you needs to go.

You are better than this POS. Stop being his servant and facilitating his life. He's horrible to you. His behaviour is unacceptable and you need to tell him that. Start finding your way out - even if it can't happen right now, it needs to happen. He doesn't deserve you.

It’s not complicated. You need to leave. I worry his behaviour could turn into abuse and violence.

You’re not even married. Just pack a bag and go and find where you parked your life when you threw your lot in with this horrible man.

This man sounds dire. You are gaining nothing from this relationship. Leave and don't look back. You deserve so.much.more

Run for the hills as fast as you can, or you will become the nurse with the purse, you are so on that road already, RUN!

“Wombbaalaa · 19/08/2024 22:35
I wonder why exactly it is that you want to focus on this rather than the bigger issue of…
why are you staying for this?”

As PPs have said, there are no reasons so complicated that you need to stick around for this. So you might want us all to come up with explanations for his abusive behaviour but the question why you’re sticking around for this is immensely more important. How can you be helped into getting away?

I would laugh at him and tell him he's put you off men for life. Then kick him out.

He sounds controlling. Sounds like he’s trying to grind you down so you never leave and have no
confidence to meet anyone else.

And,

As he said you were out of his league from the start, he could also be convinced you’ll leave anyway so he’s pushing and pushing you and then when you do go, he can say it wasn’t his fault, you left him, even if only to justify it to himself.

Either way it sounds miserable you need to leave him!

He sounds vile.

Jealous.

Insecure.

Boring.

Spiteful.

Cruel.

What a catch.

I don't think he's projecting (he could be) but I think he's very abusively controlling.
His tactic is to wear you down and remove any barriers to you having any time to yourself and are wholly attentive to him.
You doing a walk for fitness, thinking you, and doing something for yourself means you're full time about him and if you do a walk what else would you do?
His tactic is to wear you down little by little and make life easier when you do what he wants. His tactic in belittling you is to deminish you and chip away at your self esteem. He will always move the goal posts and nothing will be good enough because he needs you to be subservient to him and always feeling off balance that you are wrong and not doing enough. That's how he keeps you in your place.
Even if he does also believe you might cheat, he's paranoia and insecurity still feed his need to control you. It'll find other ways to show itself if you do what he asks. And when you do speak up he shouts and you withdraw so he's controlling you by fear, he's trained you to be passive. He doesn't like this active thing you're doing for yourself the very fact you are is threatening his control of you, his property.

I think this goes beyond projection for affair, although he could be doing that too.

Please think about if this is the life you want and make sure you are staying safe, physically and emotionally. Please think about if this is how you deserve to be treated.

I'm sorry, we'll done for starting to question things. But you are worth more than being someones maid and carer. You are enough.

You are trying to figure out if he has a tactic in his toxic behaviour.

Why does it even matter OP.
I mean, if you were even able to separate all his horrid behaviours and work it out, that would only bring you back round to the fact that you feel uncomfortable in his presence, that he deliberately diminishes you, that you are his servant, that you are his carer, that you find him spiteful and uncaring, that he gets angry and yells at you, that he sets out to trick and deceive you…..
That you don’t trust him.
That he brings absolutely nothing lovely to your life.

This is so so bad for your health OP.
So bad that you have to act now, while you still have the strength and the self-preservation to do something about it.

You really don’t need to psychoanalyse a man who has turned into an abuser. He is tightening the screws on you and you know it.
He will blame you whatever you do, but so what, you know it’s over so that’s on you to act and put a stop to it.

A relationship isn’t where one of the two controls the other and the other puts up with it. There is no merit in trying to work it out and put it right and giving him another chance. That’s foolish.

You don’t need a reason to end the relationship. Even if he worshipped you, you could still end it if it made you uncomfortable.

You are independent financially.
You could have such a nice peaceful life in your own home without this horrid man to wait on hand and foot, getting up each time he knocks you down so he can knock you down again.

Find your strength OP. Decide today how you want to end it.
You could pack a bag and walk out right now if you wanted to. Or tell him it’s finally over and you want him to leave.
Or you can plan the exit in your own time.
Either way, a better life is waiting for you to grab it so don’t put it off any more.

I think there is codependency going on here.

When you think of leaving him, you get scared of being on your own, and your mind takes you away from your own feelings and goes to 'problem solving' and concerning yourself with analysing his behavior to you. Instead, when you find yourself thinking of him again, stop doing that and harness that energy towards the practical real life business of leaving him.

He sets it up so that are his trad wifey little servant. Part of you buys into that, because it fits with women's societal roles and because there are other payoffs such as familiarity and certainty of daily routine.

In these dynamics, part of your mind wants to keep knawing him and his behavior over and over like a bone, rather than leave him.
You are getting no meat off, it but the process of gnawing is masquerading as taking action, when it's really not.

If you left him, your own power would return.
With him, you are only firing on one engine - the engine that suits him.

Why are you with him?

Never mind mithering on about clients etc. why are you with him? Are you happy? What do you like about him?

You deserve much better.

We both have a routine. I work professionaly , do all the housework, cooking, shopping. He does treat me as his carer and servant tbh

Why do women live like this in 2024? Do you think this is your only chance at a relationship

As I am much younger and fitter he tends to make comments about me to diminish me. I got used to it. I know it is envy. He treats me a bit like an arm candy if we go out and gets angry if I do not want to join him on some ocassions.

I don’t think it’s envy OP, I think he despises you and controls you.

Is this really how you want your life to be?

I’ll ask the same question as everyone else ..what on earth is holding you back from leaving him? You are financially independent, attractive , kind, hard working ..how much worse are you waiting to be treated before you dump that terrible excuse of an insecure, arrogant and controlling man?! You know you can get any man you want and you deserve the best . Walk away.

His tactic is to control and limit all of your options. He wants you sat at home on eggshells. No life of your own and only doing what he wants and by the sounds of it only stuff that benefits him.
You must know all of this .
You sound smart and capable.

Thank you for all your comments. I appreciate it. Many of you made valid points. Codependecy - yes, it is. I have been renting and DP has been mortgage free but because of his adult DC living at his house I never wanted to move in there. DP wanted me to move in there but the whole set up put me off plus his DC is over 30 unemployed and a very strange person. DP moved in with me. Years passing by and with our joint income it is easier but I could not rent alone anywhere. My income has dropped over the years. DP is now forcing his way so that I move to his house, as renting makes no sense. He wants to be at his house. I feel the DC being lazy also plays to it. This would mean me cleaning after two men, cooking, washing etc and working from home where the unemployed DC is. No privacy, permanent conflict. DP relies on the fact I have low income and he can bully me into submission. I feel it is all my fault as I made this choice a decade ago by getting into this however back then he wanted to marry me and promised me a child but as I got more imbedded the prospect of it vanished. I feel stuck, weak, confused and I am aware it makes me an easy target to manipulate.

You'll likely be able to get housing benefit to top up your rent.

Ffs get rid of this useless sack of shit.

He doesn't want a partner.

He wants a servant.