DP projecting affair onto me?

[peachyheath]

I am not sure how to view this. My DP of 8 years is much older than me, we have been in a sexless relationship for past 4 years. Before anyone asks why we are even together - it is complicated atm. I'd rather focus on the 'projecting'. DP commutes to work and I work from home. We both have a routine. I work professionaly , do all the housework, cooking, shopping. He does treat me as his carer and servant tbh. As I am much younger and fitter he tends to make comments about me to diminish me. I got used to it. I know it is envy. He treats me a bit like an arm candy if we go out and gets angry if I do not want to join him on some ocassions. I do not go out on my own. I do go for my daily walk as obviously working from home limits my 10k steps. In a last year or so he started making really unfair and nasty comments that I probably go for those walks with some guy. I always go the same route and listen to a podcast. The comments got worse and worse to the point where now if I start setting up a table for our dinner and I am half way through and say I put two coasters and two glasses out but no plates and cutlery yet, he makes a comments that I bring my lover home and not clear the glasses and that I am so useless can not even hide evidence. As I know his character and he can be a spiteful person I find all this more and more distrurbing. I have not got an affair eventhough we sleep in separate bedrooms (he snores and doesnt want to do anything about it). His friends told him I am out of his league 8 y ago yet we got together and now I find myself uncomfortable mainly due to his behaviour. If in comparison I have had made a comment like he did to me, he would literally yell at me. I am starting to wonder what is his tactic? Is he trying to plant a seed in my head or he is cheating by projecting it onto me?

Why did you not end up getting married?

Not marrying this man and not having children with him is a good move btw .

The idea that he can “promise” you a child like it’s some gift to dangle in front of you is grim. Women give up a lot to bear and raise children. He’d be the one lucky to have you or anyone having his kids.

are you still young enough to have kids? What’s the age gap between you too?

Nope nope nope!! He wants you to move in so you can wait on him and his adult son hand and foot. Do not do this!! You will have an even more miserable time with him. You need to leave. Whether you move areas to rent cheaper, rent smaller or move in with family or friends temporarily but do not move in with him.

It will seem so hard at first if you leave and your living arrangements will probably be less than ideal, so staying with him might be easier now, but it’s short term pain for long term gain. What about if you move in and he dies, then what? I can guarantee his son will get everything and you’ll be out on your ass.

You CAN get through this and things WILL get better. You deserve more out of life OP.

Edited for typos.

@peachyheath im glad to hear you can see that there are far more issues than your original question and hopefully you will recognise this wake up call as an opportunity to reclaim your life and not continue to be subjected to the cruelty your partner inflicts upon you every day.

Do you have family or friends who can support you? Either by staying with them temporarily or even just to talk through the practicalities of leaving?

This man has broken you down and made you feel less than, you need to allow yourself to break free from his control and live for yourself. Seek what will truly make you happy in life and thrive on your own. You can do this, you are stronger than you know.

Sorry I was meant to quote this in my last post. See my response above but in short do not move in with this person!

You want strangers to give you advise but what's the point when this man is so clearly abusive, mentally, emotionally, financially and yet you remain with him. It's not victim blaming, it's literally a valid question. Nothing we say will help you or your situation if you won't help yourself.

Make a plan and get out . Don't end up living in his house. That's just a path for depression and stress .
Can you find a small flat ? Or somewhere cheaper to rent?
Like others have said you will probably be able to get uc top up to help with rent/bills.
Anything has to be better then living with him .

Recognising it is the first step.

Now, please, get rid of him.

Before you move into his house and both of these loser men expect sex from you as well as servitude.

He’s wrecking your self confidence so that you can’t leave.

You can do infinitely better than this wanker.

I agree with other posters- the why doesn’t really matter does it? His behaviour in general is not particularly caring or supportive. The possibilities include:

A. he’s just trying to undermine you and make you feel bad so you stop going for the walks ie control what you do
B. He’s paranoid because he knows you are way out of his league
C. He is cheating and projecting it on to you

It doesn’t sound like he treats you well or that he is particularly likeable or kind. You’ve not slept together for 4 years. You may be managing day to day life but it doesn’t sound like a positive relationship. So I don’t think the why matters. The more important thing is how to sort out the ‘complications’ and move forward so you can be more at peace and happier. Good luck x

Update: just seen the update which answered the question I'd asked, but I can't work out how to delete my own post sorry...

Honestly, tell him to go back to his own house with his DC.

Just seen your update. There seems to be little that is positive to continue living with him. Best to focus on practical steps so you can move forward solo x

Get rid of this parasite. He's bringing nothing whatsoever positive to your life. Please do not move into his home under any circumstances. Free yourself and be happy x

Plan your way out. Nice fresh start. Preferably somewhere new- I don’t trust him not to try and hurt you tbh

Check out tax credits, benefits. You’ll do better alone, you’ll be able to increase your earnings when you aren’t pandering to him.

He sounds horrible.
I wondered if his behaviour was getting worse because of some type of degenerative decline like Alzheimer’s.. it doesn’t excuse it and you shouldn’t be tolerating this sort of treatment. lots of luck x

You know what is going on here, sometimes you ask others for their opinion to confirm what you already know and just find hard to face up to, because it will be hard to extricate yourself.

There is not a healthy, balanced, loving future for you in this relationship, you know this. You are afraid to step outside it and to start again.

But you deserve so much more than this and you have an opportunity to find love elsewhere, as the only love this man has, is self love.

Prepare to start afresh..... it will be scary and it will hurt, but you will start to take control again, not just of your freedom, but of your right to seek out or be available for someone who will cherish and not mentally imprison you.

Be strong

You get one and only one life here on Planet Earth. You still have time to turn yours around. Don't squander it. Be strong.

Call Women's Aid on Monday.
Do you have any friends, family who will temporarily take you in?
Investigate benefits that will top up your income.
Figure out a way to earn more, either in a day job or by supplementing with an evening or weekend job.
Take a flatshare or some other arrangement.

Get this nasty old abuser out of your existence. You can do it. Two weeks from now you could be starting an entirely new and infinitely better life.

I wouldn't waste my energy on trying to understand him because he's a nasty unpleasant twat. He sounds appalling and cruel and slightly unhinged. If you can leave safely do so. If he has some sort of hold over you ring women's aid for advice. Consult a solicitor. Keep yourself safe. As someone has already said he isn't a fascinating puzzle you can work out, he isn't going to love you more because you have figured him out. Every one on this thread has done the figuring out for you. He's a twat. We saved you the time. Don't waste anymore of your valuable time on him.

While he's at work pack up his stuff and leave it on thd kurb, change the locks and get some friends over. Do your research on housing benefit to keep you afloat until you can find a way to top up your income, you will find once you cut the dead weight youll be free to do so.

Like others have ssid on this thread this man is toxic and you need to get away from him ASAP.
Respect yourself, because this cretin of a man isn't . Build your life back up without him and youll find you will flourish. I know this is difficult as it sounds as he's using negative psychological techniques to control you and its extremely coersive. Hes chipping away at your financial independence, trying to isolate you by saying you are meeting men outside the home(obvious tactic to keep you inside). It is ALL about control.

Just why are you with this nasty person?

As you don't have any children together I would just walk away and live your own life. Why put up with any of this shit.

Honestly OP, if you want out, you won't get better than advice from MNetters as you go along.

My initial thought was that he's projecting because he is cheating but I think it's even simpler than that - he is abusive and controlling. He is accusing you of stuff he knows is untrue so that you are busy trying to prove him wrong. Even here you are being distracted by the wrong questions - why doesn't he trust me rather than why am I putting up with this shit. Get out. You will be happier and healthier. Do not get any more dependent or financially entangled with him, everything he does is for his benefit not yours.

How about you stop worrying about why he's treating you like this, shit btw, and get the fuck away from him?

He knows you are too good for him and he is trying to control you to make you stay. Leave him I think he will get worse the more you tolerate it 😞

No. Life is too LONG to put up with this.