Page 8 | Would you sleep with a married man? Even if you didn't want him to leave his wife.

Coconut91 · 2024-08-19T17:34:50+00:00

Just wondering would anyone sleep with a married man, that you find very attractive. And you know he's married and don't want to break up his marriage or have a relationship with him? You're also single.

MO308002 · 19/08/2024 23:07

No I would not, under any circumstances.

BlastedPimples · 19/08/2024 23:08

@MorrisZapp I see your point. Agreed.

BlastedPimples · 19/08/2024 23:10

@Carebearsonmybed some get a real kick out of it. That they can break up a marriage, a family. It makes them think they must be super attractive.

Except most of these men would sleep with anyone willing.

Sleepydoor · 19/08/2024 23:12

Lavender14 · 19/08/2024 19:49

To be honest I really struggle with the idea that if you knowingly have sex or any type of affair with someone who you know is married, that responsibility lies solely with the married person.

I'm not sure that flies with me.
If I knew a guy was married there's no way I'd entertain the idea of it no matter how much I liked him because i would have empathy for his wife and the hurt it would cause. I'd feel like I was actively participating in that because I knew he was married and decided to proceed regardless. It's one thing to not know someone is married and become the other woman by accident but realistically I think if you know then you have partial responsibility. Obviously he's completely responsible as well and should be held accountable but if you know then I think you're a bit accountable as well.

Plus realistically the idea of an unhappy marriage- unless there is a very specific set of circumstances (thinking for example a partner with advanced dementia who can't remember them or something similar) then I can't see a reason why you'd buy that. If he's so unhappy that he wants to cheat then he needs to either work on the marriage or leave it. I don't think I'd believe the unhappy husband line enough to have it be justification.

Realistically op you're saying you've no intention of ending his marriage and it's just a bit of fun, but if his wife found out then actually you could well be part of that marriage ending so what's the difference really? I think we can justify anything to ourselves if we try hard enough, question is if we should.

I agree that the unmarried affair partner doesn't owe anyone any loyalty or have any responsibility. Marriage is a contract between two people but it is also recognized by society and it is therefore antisocial act to interfere with a marriage. If you sleep with married men, you are breaking the social contract. And you're just an asshole.

MorrisZapp · 19/08/2024 23:13

In answer to the actual question, I'm 53 so it's highly unlikely to come up. In my younger day I did have casual partners and I just assumed they were as free as I was, I can't remember asking though.

If I knew he was married I guess not if I was using my brain, but those kind of decisions tend not to be made coolly and in the light of day. I've certainly never actively approached anyone I knew to be committed, nor have any of my friends. I once snogged an ex who had since got together with someone else but there's no future in that. Least said, soonest mended.

Opentooffers · 19/08/2024 23:13

The problem with not having the willpower to resist a first time despite knowing he's married, is that it will be even harder to resist a 2nd time, next you're the OW, in a 'relationship ' with him.
You can protest all you want about not wanting a relationship with him, but it's women who couldn't resist who end up accepting crumbs. The easiest time to resist is the first time, if you've not even got enough resolve for that, I doubt you'd have the gumption to break it off when it becomes a 'thing' either.

Lavender14 · 19/08/2024 23:15

MorrisZapp · 19/08/2024 22:49

The double moral standard hasn't gone anywhere since biblical times. Men are not belittled and dehumanised for their sexual behaviour, women are. Even when the man is committed elsewhere and the woman is single, vicious terms like slag, bitch and homewrecker are used by other women to keep potential threats in line. Obviously we can't stop men from wanting to shag indiscriminately so it's easier to make it socially terrifying for women to get involved.

You see it in every workplace with inter staff dalliances. The woman gets the blame. Every time.

No I understand that, and as I said a lot of the language is harmful and I agree with you on that.

But equally why are women complicit in the harming of another woman? Some women as you say do it through language and isolation and vilifying, and others surely do it through knowingly engaging in affairs/ one night stands? I think it's highly important that we hold men to account, absolutely. But why should other women who are knowingly engaging with someone who is married not be held in any way accountable? Especially when we know women are most often left with the bulk of caring responsibilities when marriages break down, the bulk of the childcare, and where they've been a sahm - possible financial disaster and homelessness? When women are complicit in a man cheating they must know that the betrayed woman is likely going to be more significantly negatively affected than he will. Never mind the fact that stis are more likely to be visibly symptomatic for men and that womans health and fertility could be affected long term? Any woman who knows the impact this will have on another woman and how disproportionate it will be compared to the outcomes for men in the same position and still forges ahead is acting in a misogynistic way no?

Eldrick47s · 19/08/2024 23:16

IOnlyNeedTheSilence · 19/08/2024 22:11

Um I didn't grab him though did I @Eldrick47s 🤨

Yes but you regret not doing so.

That feeling would be understable if there were no single men to shag and it was some missed opportunity, which isn't the case.

IOnlyNeedTheSilence · 19/08/2024 23:23

So what how I feel about it? I didn't act on it, which is the point. Actions speak louder and all that.

Bananachocs · 19/08/2024 23:25

Abuseandptsdsurvivor · 19/08/2024 18:37

Apparently it’s a thing ! My dd told me some of friends have a ‘home wrecker kink’ they sleep with men / pursue men who are married or in a relationship just because they can for some weird reason ??!!!

Show quote history

Definitely is a thing. I remember an old classmate of mine at age 15 said she planned to do that when she was older. I remember thinking how strange (and immoral!) that was - but she was very young , hopefully she had a change of heart when she grew up 😲

tinklingchimes · 19/08/2024 23:26

No I wouldn't. Even if I thought he was attractive, knowing he was a willing cheater would make him instantly unattractive to me. I have no respect for men like that. That would be the biggest reason. The second reason is I have some self respect and integrity.

Garlicfest · 19/08/2024 23:28

I've put on full armour ... I've done it a couple of times. Zero intent of a 'relationship' although we were friends and carried on being friends in the same way afterwards.

Clearly, those men didn't break the bonds of their marriages just for a one-nighter with me. I've no idea whether their wives knew they played away sometimes.

ForGreyKoala · 19/08/2024 23:32

No I wouldn't, because it's a despicable thing to do. You can tell yourself it's okay because others do it, but that doesn't mean it is.

Bananachocs · 19/08/2024 23:34

Garlicfest · 19/08/2024 23:28

I've put on full armour ... I've done it a couple of times. Zero intent of a 'relationship' although we were friends and carried on being friends in the same way afterwards.

Clearly, those men didn't break the bonds of their marriages just for a one-nighter with me. I've no idea whether their wives knew they played away sometimes.

Just curious do you know /socialise with their wives at all?

Xxxxxxx5468875 · 19/08/2024 23:35

Blackeyedcat · 19/08/2024 19:09

Yes I most likely would if I knew that he’s in an unhappy relationship and wants some fun . But if I was so sexually attracted to him , I’d do it mostly because I want to sleep with him myself . I would ofcourse feel bad for the wife but he’s the one who’s in the wrong mostly because he’s the married one not me . I don’t think I could hold myself back if he initiated and I really liked him .

Show quote history

I'm single, and I've slept with a married man once. No kids involved.

I found him sexually attractive, he was unhappy, and he wanted some fun. He initiated it. I made it clear I didn't want a relationship.

However I did feel bad for the wife. But he is the one married, not me. His responsibility, not mine.

It was my only time sleeping with a married man and I definitely wouldn't sleep with a married man again.

Garlicfest · 19/08/2024 23:43

Bananachocs · 19/08/2024 23:34

Just curious do you know /socialise with their wives at all?

Show quote history

Well, this was a long time ago now. I met one of the wives at a couple of events. The others, I don't think so.

I couldn't have done it if the wives were friends of mine, if that's what you're getting at. In that case, I'd have been betraying her and I just wouldn't.

I know that does happen, though.

loopyluloopy · 19/08/2024 23:47

No because I have morales.

Just because a married man chases you, doesn't mean you should sleep with him. Billions of people on this planet and you can't find a single guy?

loopyluloopy · 19/08/2024 23:48

Girlwhowavesattrains · 19/08/2024 19:14

No, and I’d get evidence of him asking and give it to his wife.

This, girl code!

OfcourseitsaNC · 19/08/2024 23:49

I did.

I met him on a hook up site. I was there to find regular NSA sex with the same 1 or 2 men.

He told me he was married about 10 mins into the chat. Claimed he had a higher sex drive than his wife and needed more than the once a week sex she wanted after 25 years of marriage. He claimed everything else was great about their relationship.

Who knows if it was true or not?

We had dinner. We clicked. We had sex several times over the year we saw each other. Texted regularly about life. It was exactly what I'd been looking for from the website. The more I got to know him, the more I challenged him on how horrid he was being to his wife. He agreed he was, but didn't have the balls to tell his wife what he needed and was finding outside their marriage due to her needs being incompatible wth his.

I ended things, as I began a relationship, so no longer needed him for NSA sex.

There really is no such thing as girl code. His moral compass was off, not mine, as he'd made the promises he was breaking, not me.

InevitableNameChanger · 19/08/2024 23:49

I couldn't find a man attractive who wanted to shag around behind his wife's back. I've had men hit on me who were married and I made it clear it was a hard no.

In reality I am not even sure being hit on by a married man is a compliment, I expect men like that just keep trying till they find a willing participant.

Certainly the men at our work who did that all had a reputation for hitting on anything in a skirt and we all felt a fair amount of contempt for the women who fell for it.

Obviouslyathrowaway · 19/08/2024 23:54

Yes. People claiming otherwise just haven't been in a situation where they were tested to find out - and that will remain true for 99% of them so they will continue to feel morally superior. Anybody is capable of anything given the right circumstances, don't kid yourself that you're above it.

InevitableNameChanger · 19/08/2024 23:55

Obviouslyathrowaway · 19/08/2024 23:54

Yes. People claiming otherwise just haven't been in a situation where they were tested to find out - and that will remain true for 99% of them so they will continue to feel morally superior. Anybody is capable of anything given the right circumstances, don't kid yourself that you're above it.

Sure. I had plenty of men hit on me in my 20s and 30s. If they were married or in a relationship I made it very clear I wasn't interested.

I was perfectly able to get boyfriends who weren't married so why would I want one who was?

MissTrip82 · 19/08/2024 23:57

No, I have high self esteem. My sense of self worth doesn’t depend on the tenuous ego boost of thinking a man’s chosen me over another woman for a brief period.

I left a job (and a city) because of a married man when I was single. I had feelings for him and needed to make sure I didn’t make the mistake of acting on them. It was my self esteem that got me out of there.

Work on yours. It’s too low,

tinklingchimes · 19/08/2024 23:58

Obviouslyathrowaway · 19/08/2024 23:54

Yes. People claiming otherwise just haven't been in a situation where they were tested to find out - and that will remain true for 99% of them so they will continue to feel morally superior. Anybody is capable of anything given the right circumstances, don't kid yourself that you're above it.

Actually, I have been in a situation to find out. I really liked the guy too. But no, that's not me. I lost all respect for him when I realised he wanted more too. I can confidently say that I would not sleep with a married man no matter what. I've been tested.

I always thought in another circumstance he'd have been a great husband. I was really disappointed to find out he wasn't the man I thought he was.

SamW98 · 19/08/2024 23:59

Obviouslyathrowaway · 19/08/2024 23:54

Yes. People claiming otherwise just haven't been in a situation where they were tested to find out - and that will remain true for 99% of them so they will continue to feel morally superior. Anybody is capable of anything given the right circumstances, don't kid yourself that you're above it.

Bullshit. I’ve been in this position a couple of times and I walked away both times because I couldn’t live with myself if I sank that low

Just because you could, don’t think others don’t have a stronger moral code and judge by your standards.

I find cheating repulsive. I wouldn’t sleep with an attached man if he was last man on the planet.