Would you sleep with a married man? Even if you didn't want him to leave his wife.

[Coconut91]

Just wondering would anyone sleep with a married man, that you find very attractive. And you know he's married and don't want to break up his marriage or have a relationship with him?
You're also single.

Yes I agree with this. Sorry this happened to you. It happened to me too. H was weak and OW was certainly a vulnerable person. According to him ‘she was just lonely.’ All he did in the end was hurt her as well as me and my dd, who discovered the infidelity on his phone and is probably traumatised for life. The whole thing was a sordid, grim shit show. I’m sure they both thought it was lovely and fun when they started.

It is grim. There’s nothing romantic or sexy about it. It’s sad and desperate. Borrowing someone else’s husband for sex is about as glamorous as having to use another woman’s used tampon because you can’t procure your own.

That's an excuse, a false justifaction for colluding in the deception, betrayal and harm of another person, another woman, who does not deserve it. If there were children it would be colluding in harming them too, and putting them at risk of their lives being turned upside down, and suffering emotional trauma. The fact is, if you choose to do this, you are enabling abuse and colluding in harming another person. It does not matter that you aren't the one who made the vows- you are responsible for your own part in a crime against another human being and you can deny, justify and employ as much sophistry as you like, but it doesn't alter the fact that you are guilty, that you are lacking in integrity and good character, maybe even pathologically so, to the point of being too high in Cluster B personality disorder traits.
I hope that is not the case, that you have a long, hard word with yourself and decide that you want to be far better person than that. It's on you though and no one who has a functioning moral compass would regard your take on this matter as acceptable nor justifiable.

If he's in an unhappy relationship he should fix it or leave, not betray his partner and teach any children they have that if you're unhappy you can just do whatever or whomever you choose.

And as for you, if you cannot hold yourself back from sleeping with someone you're attracted to, regardless of their marital status, you're just weak willed.

No. A married man flirting and sniffing around potential lays is deeply unattractive and unsexy.

Probably not. I'd be frightened I would get too fond of him. Be no good.

I'm at a loss as to what about sexual incontinence (because of course they've done it before; cheating is very often serial behaviour), the likelihood of contracting an STI, or a whole lot of unhappiness - likely including mine - could ever be so difficult to resist.

As far as I'm aware I've never had sex with an attached person and the points enumerated above are more than sufficient to ensure that I never knowingly do so.

However. The nonsense upthread about the so-called existence of some unwritten 'girl code', and accompanying assumption that women are somehow responsible for men's sexual conduct as well as their own, is just that - a nonsense. 'But HOW can you do that to another woman?' is a meaningless protestation when said woman means nothing to you in the first place.

That I haven't indulged in extra-marital liaisons is a position I admit is motivated wholly by self-interest. Married men can offer me nothing I care to gain, and therefore do not interest me. I owe no loyalty whatsoever to particular human beings on account of merely shared XX chromosomes.

Ever heard of a 'man code?' Me neither.

I never thought I would but I did

@SerafinasGoose

Ever heard of a 'man code?' Me neither.

Yes. "Lads" talk about it all the time. The bro code. Bros before hoes. And so on.

Talking to a colleague today and she is annoyed that her husbands ex doesnt like her and that they have to attend a family thing to do with her husbands and his ex's child. She said "He left her 10 years ago, you think she would be over it by now" and it turned out that my colleague was the OW. She said that she was single, he was the one cheating so it was nothing to do with her. I asked her if she trusted him and she said yes. I wouldnt, I know him and he is definitely the type to cheat given half a chance and I am sure he would cheat on her if the opportunity arose.

I really liked her but this has made me see her a lot differently. She wasnt apologetic for it at all, she is happy and his ex should get over it.

No.

For a long time (before she rewrote history and decided me and dh had the affair) dh’s ex justified her affair as being OK as he went on to meet me, and she married her OM.

everyone moved on and they both were in better relationships, so she actually did the right thing 🤔

tell you what though. Their kids are fucked up. They may have still been fucked up if they’d stayed together I suppose, but their family dynamics aren’t great IMO. Not that they talk to me and dh any more, what with us being homewreckers and all 🙄

Are you familiar with the term reductio ad absurdum? That's what this is;
"some people will say they've been abused, e.g.because someone has (rightly) said no to them."

You've taken it to a ridiculous level and made a false comparison. We are not talking about unreasonable, irrational ideas of what is or is not abusive. Cheating is inherently harmful for many reasons, most of which which have been enumerated here. How harmful it is depends on the circumstances. But here's the thing- the OW doesn't know what the cicumstances are for a fact. She knows only what a proven liar tells her. So telling herself it's not harmful to the wife because a) b) or c) is her lying to herself to try to justify her actions. That's why the wife gets to decide if it's abuse, not some half-witted creature who hangs onto the assurances of a self-serving liar.

I agree.

The widespread moral outrage is interesting, given that almost as many wives as husbands cheat on their spouse. Hard to imagine the men who fucked wives being called slags or being told to have some self respect or that they should feel solidarity with the cuckolded husband.

Honestly, I think that people shouldn't do that to other people.

But, also, men don't need building up. They have that already. Women should have other women's backs, because we know what shite we have to deal with that men don't.

Why is it that everyone says that we should all have each others backs as a woman not to cheat with a married man . What about the man who is the cheater , why does he not think or care about the other woman’s husband who will be heartbroken ? Why don’t men stand up for each other thinking about the poor husband at home getting cheated on , but the cheater woman has to think about the cheaters wife and feel sorry for them?

but at the end of the day , if someone is a cheater , they won’t care about anyone’s feeling but theirselves , because if they did , they wouldn’t be a cheater to begin with .

I did it years ago, when I was younger, I had low self esteem and needed validation from men. My Dad was abusive so I had terrible role models for a relationship with men.

He was unhappy in his marriage, we had great chemistry blah blah blah
He came onto me more recently and he just looked pathetic and all attraction left.

I wouldn’t do it now, having realised the impact and the fact I was doing it due to my own inadequacies. But judging by the relationships board there are plenty of women that will.

So, sod the cuckolded husband? He'll be fine.

He would fall under "people" in my first sentence. But if you'd accepted that you wouldn't be able to challenge me unnecessarily would you.

My second paragraph was about why I think women get a harder time of it. Because we have always had a harder time of it and should therefore not want to play a part in making another woman's life even harder.

No. I'd not collude with the betrayal of another woman. I'd not want to be the means for some greedy lying sleeze to get bonus sex. Married men who chase affairs are rarely sexually attractive. Most are mediocre looking, getting on a bit and looking for an ego boost, and I could get a far better single one.

Its funny you should say that.....she told me that her H wasnt faithful at all in his first marriage, said in a way to show that he was obviously in the wrong relationship and it was better all round that they split so his wife shouldnt be so bitter.

It doesnt seem to occur to her that she is married to a serial cheater. His first wife didnt know half of what he did but she does and she still married him and says that she trusts him because he knows what she is like and that there would be no second chances, which to me is shorthand for "he wouldnt do that to me, I am different". Personally I think he would just be cleverer at covering his tracks....

Been thinking about this since the conversation with my colleague earlier and remembered a woman I knew, got to be 25 years ago, I have posted about her before. Someone mentioned "homewreckers" and that was her. She seemed to get her validation from men proving that they would sacrifice everything for her. Leave their homes, wives, kids, families and one bloke even left the UK for her.

Within weeks of that happening she would dump him and move on to the next one. She seemed to only want what she couldnt have and once she had it and adrenalin rush of winning had worn off, she needed to do it again. She wanted to move to Aus and this guy left his wife, his job (not sure if he had kids) and went with her. Within a month she was back but he had to stay there as he had signed a lease on a house and had a job and had no money to come back.

I dont know what happened to her but the last time I saw her she had young twins so I assume she eventually settled down, if only for a while. She was very damaged I think. Very beautiful but cripplingly low self esteem, got the impression her childhood hadnt been good and her family were toxic at best and abusive at worst. Hope she stopped the self destruction if only for her kids.

I googled homewrecker psychology just now and it fits her to a T, so there is more than one kind of OW, but it seems that all cheaters are the same....

I am a lot less hardline in my views on adultery than most Mumsnetters - I think there are some circumstances - when someone feels trapped in an abusive relationship for example, when it is absolutely and entirely forgiveable. And I don't agree that it's always committed by filthy sex crazed animals with no human feeling whatsoever - sometimes married people fall hopelessly in love with someone new, and yes they should leave their spouse before acting on it, but I don't think it makes them absolute monsters if that happens, awful as it can be for the abandoned one if the cessation of marital feeling has not been mutual.

However, considering OP's "dilemma", I certainly wouldn't think that just wanting some sex with an attractive man, is a good reason to risk hurting someone badly? Given that it's pretty easy for most of us to find a willing sexual partner we are attracted to - why go out of your way to target a married man specifically?

Unless you have that "homewrecker kink" thing mentioned above I suppose - but that could be satisfied through role play to be honest. I've played the part of my husband's mistress/secretary before now for a bit of fun - no need to involve and hurt real actual people, just because the idea might seem a bit forbidden and therefore erotic (to some people - I know others don't find it so at all)....

I think the husband in OP's situation is definitely the one who is mostly to blame - he is the one breaking a promise - but I don't think it's ideal behaviour from the woman either, if she gives in to that temptation. It doesn't even sound like the married man is doing all the usual "my wife doesn't understand me, we never have sex, we lead separate lives..." nonsense.....

So yeah, don't do it OP. Find someone else to shag - there are plenty of willing fellas out there. If you want the fantasy of being someone's mistress, find someone who will meet you in a hotel and pretend he's got a wife at home and that you are doing something really naughty..... Why does it have to be real - what possible difference can it make to you? Unless you genuinely want to think you are (albeit indirectly) hurting another woman. If you do that's not a harmless kink, it's something you quite seriously ought to seek therapy for .....

I don’t think anyone is going out of their way to specially find a married man , sometimes it happens that someone works with you in the same work place and he’s married ( and you don’t know at the time ) and you just get sexually attracted to that person and then when you talk to that person you find out ,but by that point you have already got a crush on him . Obviously OP wants to have fun with this person weather he is married or not , preferably not , but if he happens to be married , this doesn’t take away the mutual attraction they feel for each other .

Yeah, I know the type. Serial mate poaching like that has actually been linked to sociopathy.