Would you sleep with a married man? Even if you didn't want him to leave his wife.

[Coconut91]

Just wondering would anyone sleep with a married man, that you find very attractive. And you know he's married and don't want to break up his marriage or have a relationship with him?
You're also single.

Yes BUT that's because I've slept with a fair few and found out they'd lied about it afterwards. So theoretically, I'd rather they were upfront and I could make an informed choice.

And yes I'm aware that his DW doesn't get to make an informed choice in the matter. I've been on that side and it's shit, Im not minimising that for a second (hence why I said theoretically - it's not something I've ever done intentionally). But I blame him, not her, and the same is true for anyone who chooses to cheat

You don't know what our situations were. I find married men who will cheat a turn off, so it couldn't happen. I feel nothing but disgust when they start crossing lines. I'm not going to post more about my situation here but whatever makes you feel better about your own decisions.

I slept with a married man in my 20s. Knew him from work. He was older and more senior than me and we clicked, had a laugh and I suppose I was impressed because he had a budget to entertain with dinner and drinks and we had fun and it led to sex. I have to say, the sex was actually quite disappointing and I let it fizzle out.

Would I do it now? Well maybe if I was single and lonely and it was a one off and I knew no-one could find out. Maybe.

I'm afraid not. They are widely considered a form of emotional abuse now, well beyond MN.

Not now I wouldn't. Not that I'm on the market so to speak.

But when I was in my early 20s I probably would've had a one night stand with someone I really fancied even if they were attached. As long as I thought it was not going to get found out or break up their marriage. Stupid as it sounds. But I kind of took it that it's his problem if he's not single and if it's casual then no harm no foul kind of thing.

I'd not do that at this stage. My moral compass has increased in accuracy I think. It's just not worth it as the guy doesn't deserve your attention if he's that much of an unfaithful twat.

I always just think how I'd feel if I was cheated on. I regret not thinking that way more in my youth.
Not that I knowingly slept with a load of attached men.

Have you never done anything you wish you hadn't? Never thought 'I was in the wrong there'? Not about cheating, I mean anything in life.

You can think you know what you'll do in any given situation but really you don't. To deny that the human condition is frail and unpredictable - even yours - speaks to some staggering arrogance.

Emotional abuse is an extremely subjective term.

What you consider emotional abuse will obviously have a different scale as to what I consider emotional abuse.

It's really not as black and white as you're trying to make out.

If you sleep with him op you will again and again and again. All the while convincing yourself that it's just sex.
Until one day you realise that you can't stop and you want more.
You will become stressed, jealous, angry when he goes home to his wife. You will become a shadow of your former self and live for these illicit moments.
You will lose your confidence and your self respect will vanish.
He won't leave his wife and sooner or later you will be traded in for a shiny, new affair partner.
Don't do it

Really aren't abusive.

So gaslighting, manipulation, stonewalling, Micro aggression, withdrawal of affection, or increase in affection including things like unknowingly taking part in sexual acts following your partner doing so with someone else. Spending of shared finances, abandonment of family matters/childcare. Being infected with a sexually transmitted disease while believing your in a monogamous relationship.

All examples of forms of things that happen in relationships when someone is having an affair. And abusive.

Tell that bullshit statement to the millions of people who have being destroyed as a result of affairs, mental trauma, PTSD, physical issues, suicide.

Awful doesn't even touch it.

But OP doesn’t want her husband , she doesn’t want him to break up with his wife , she just wants side fun . So I can’t see how she would be bothered that he goes back to his wife afterwoods . She would probably encourage him to go back so it doesn’t look suspicious and not get found out .

It's up to the spouse of the cheater to determine what is abusive, not the woman he's fucking.
"I didn't mind him cheating on his wife, so how can it possibly be abuse?" Ludicrous.

"It's not black and white" is the favourite dodge of unethical people and is a fallacious argument. Try to resist the temptation. It's very black and white to the person cheated on, and that's what matters, not what you think.

This reads like a warning against crack cocaine!

If married men were THAT irresistible, they wouldn't have bothered getting married 😂

That's for now. What if feelings grow?

I had to walk out when I heard the OW crying because the wife of her cheating married man was pregnant. She was upset he'd told her him and his wife didn't have sex anymore and he'd cheated on her by having sex with his wife. It takes all sorts.

I think it would be awesome if it was normalised that everyone could have 2 boyfriends and girlfriends , so if one is not up for sex , the other one is 😏

Do not flatter yourself men like this are dogs. You're a meaningless encounter he can brag about to his mates

Have some pride. Ffs

Thank you for sparing me the trouble of enumerating all that. I would add that all sex that takes place in the marriage is sex without consent, since the spouse would not have consented if she knew he was cheating. The cheater knows that full well and gets off on it. It's sexual abuse, rape by deception. OW suck the dick of the patriarchy.

Putting someone at risk of an STD is quite obviously abuse. Having sex with someone who thinks they are in a monogamous relationship when you know they aren't is obviously abuse. Gaslighting and lying about your whereabouts is obviously abuse. This isn't grey area.

Any man prepared to do this to another person is not a good catch

Move to France 😏

That's the biggest thing about this, to me. I'd like the opportunity to make informed decisions for my health. A cheating husband denies me this right and I could have to wear potentially serious consequences. Even aside from any other issues.

And thats how he works. He knows he is charming and sexy and desirable.

Do you think that a man with no personality or charisma or who doesnt look good will ever have an affair? No. Not because he doesnt want one but because he has nothing to offer!

But Mr Wonderful is feeding into your "perfect man" desires. Men after a bit on the side know so well how to read women and present exactly what they want.

And that is exactly why I wouldnt find him attractive. I flatter myself that I look good, especially for my age, and I have no shortage of attention. But I dont want it, any of it. Because I can see it for what it is, an act. The worst are the married men who seem to be able to turn on the charm like a tap, its frankly worrying how easy they can do this in order to manipulate women into sleeping with them, borders on the sociopathic imo. Maybe its my age because as I have grown older I have learned to spot this sort of thing a mile away, stuff that I fell for (particularly with female "friends") when I was younger. The flattery, the believable lies, all of it.

The men I love the best are my friends, and they really are friends. I have a handful of very close male friends who's friendship means a lot to me. One is single but has a lot of short term girlfriends, I dont judge as he is always up front that he isnt after anything long term. I treasure our friendship, there is no side, no "will they wont they" he doesnt fancy me and I dont fancy him. Same with the others, although we are not as close. But I have other "mates" who I get on with on a superficial level but there is definitely a thing where if they thought they were in with even half a chance, they would try it on so I keep them at arms length.

I guess I dont find attempted manipulation to be attractive.

I should add I am not "that woman" who claims to only get on with men, I have many more female friends than male, before anyone suggests it!

Just for sex? No. It's not worth potentially hurting someone just for that.

However, if I met someone that I genuinely liked and wanted to be with, then that would be different. Virtually nobody settles with one person for life these days. Most people I know who got married young got divorced in the 40s or 50s. Marriages get stale and sometimes you just don't meet people in the right order, or you're not the same person as you were when you were younger.

I completely agree that man is not a good catch.

Most of those things you've described are lying by my definition, not "quite obviously abuse".

I agree gaslighting is abusive. But a person having an affair isn't necessarily gaslighting their spouse.

You've summed it up perfectly. I couldn't agree more.

I'd like the opportunity to make informed decisions for my health. A cheating husband denies me this right

Of course exposing someone to the risk of STDs and risking their health and fertility in the process is abuse.

There's no issue with wanting to move on but the correct way to do that is to leave first then hunt for a new partner. It might be scarier than having an overlap but it's far better to start a new relationship when both single than with the taint of knowing one or both of you are cheats