Feel sad at ex’s new life

[Liteattheendofthetunnel]

My ex boyfriend never wanted to get married. We were engaged but it was more out of duty and never planned a wedding.

fast forward to today and he’s now got a wife and a child and another one on the way. We have a child together who he couldn’t give a shit about and sees them a few hours every few weeks.

he is absolutely besotted with her and they have a lovely lifestyle (known through mutual friends).

i just can’t help but feel sad. It feels he’s the person I begged him to be with her and I don’t want him back but it still hurts for me and my child.

He sounds awful. I'm sorry that he treats your child so badly.

I understand this pain I truly do. Just know one thing OP what’s that based on pics online? How they present in public?

My partner left last year he was horrible to me we were engaged had children and he just left us for a women twice my age because she’s rich and wanted an easier life.

It all looks sunshine an rainbows but you just don’t know that for sure. It hurts when you feel you put it with so much for someone else to get this better version of themselves but it’s more than likely he is the same but perhaps a life with them has more things he deems valuable.

Him not seeing to bother with much time with your child with him makes him come across a bit shallow OP probably projecting with my life experience a bit but I do understand.

You feel you have a life you didn’t sign up to and he got to walk away and have what you envisioned for yourself with someone else and it looks like it was so easy for them both.

You weren't the right people for eachother. Simple as that, he wouldn't have been that man for you and there's nothing you could have done about it. It's a shame the relationship carried on long enough for DC and a 'duty' engagement but such is life. You get to enjoy your lovely DS to yourself instead.

I’m reluctant to assume they actually have a shit life because at the start everyone kept don’t worry they’ll break up, it won’t last, he’ll come to his senses, she’ll get bored, they’ll never actually marry…’.

he was out nearly every night and weekend with hobbies when he was with me…if hes out now he’s always, always out with her. He’s given some hobbies up and spends the rest with her. He’s like a completely different person.

Don't believe the PR. You know what he is like behind closed doors. Even if he is on his best behaviour right now, the mask will slip at some point.

Count yourself lucky to be rid.

They don’t post much on social media. They’re local and he’s well known and it’s a talking point of how besotted and obsessed he is with her.

Well he can't be a decent person if he doesnt bother about the child he shares with you.
And you are getting a second hand description of what his new relationship is like. Nobody knows what it's really like apart from the couple themselves.
Also the lifestyle people appear to have to the outside world may be just a facade.
It's difficult for you but try and concentrate on yourself and making the best life you can for you and your child. Try not to fixate about what your ex is getting up to in his new life.

i know people mean well but can people please stop saying it might be bad behind closed doors because I’ve tried to move on and cope before by thinking they’ve a shit life really and they’ll never stay together etc and every single time they do something new

It's a bit of a cliche, but is there no way for you to put this energy into your life with your child? My marriage has ended; he was unfaithful and we stayed together, but ultimately he didn't love me any more. I have children too, and lavishing time and affection on them has helped me to process feeling rejected and we have joined loads of clubs....I have been really trying hard to make sure they have friends and that I do too in the process.

He does lots of things now that I begged him to do too. Unfortunately, although there's nothing wrong with us as people, the chemistry or love involved isn't strong enough for us to be heard. I find that thinking that it's both that simple, and that complex to be really useful.

Please stop torturing yourself.

I don't think pp are saying they have a shit life. The truth is nobody knows apart from them what it's like but I would say that no relationship is perfect. They wouldn't be human if it was sweetness and light 24/7 and for time immemorial.

I think it's normal to be sad that they appear to have the relationship together that you wanted. But to keep looking for them to break up is a different matter. They obviously have a different chemistry than you and your ex did. Even if they did break up why would that make you feel better? And it would be another 2 children affected by a broken relationship.

I think people are saying that with the part in your post about him not bothering to spend much time with the child you have together. A few hrs a week doesn’t show he values what’s important in life to be honest. Them going out on nights out together and him focusing on their family whilst spending very little time nurturing the relationship with the child you have together just makes him look a bit morally bankrupt.

People will be responding with their experiences that shape our perceptions.

have you started dating yourself? Getting out there? Maybe it truly is that he just wasn’t that in love with you and went with the flow like some men do and wake up one day want out and find someone that meets their needs or suits them better.

If that’s what you believe then you can also find and do the same, when you feel ready of course.

You are right, no good wishing your life away hoping his is bad. He wasn't for you, he's different with her because they are right for each other. The unforgivable thing is how he is treating your child. I'd be so angry about that but your son has you and you are enough, make a great life for you two and just pity him that he doesn't realise what he is missing with your child.

Good luck, I hope you can move on. I got divorced many years ago, eventually I really forgot about him, one day I walked past a man crossing the road and suddenly realised it was him. I turned to check and he was doing the same. We were strangers. I will say he was a decent dad which makes a difference.

as sad and upsetting as it is... sometimes that how it is. my EXH and i remained very good friends after we split up, and i would see how he treated his new woman, and the life they had and it used to upset me because he was everything to her i wanted him to be with me.. but i knew deep down, we were wrong together and really should never have married, but hey ho!

i'm sorry about the way he treats the child you share.

Truth may well be that he does feel differently about her. There's no science to human relationships, there's no scale of people going up and down, where she is higher on the scale so he likes her better, they just have a different connection and for him it may be that that connection is more intense, more encompassing. That will hurt, it's horrible that you're subjected to seeing that, no normal human in your position wouldn't find it hurtful.

The only way to make it better is to start treasuring and enjoying your life, your child, your connections, and actively shutting out any news or information etc about them. If people start to talk about him either leave or if you can't, ask them to stop. If you find yourself ruminating on them, actively stop yourself, and find a distraction. You have to force him out of your head day by day until he starts to be actually gone. You'll get there!

No this is my first time posting. I only joined recently on the back of a friends recommendation.

People like that don’t change, I can guarantee the cycle will repeat in a few years time.
It hurts now but you’ll eventually find it easier. Just focus on yourself and your child.

OP I get why you are upset. He’s become the husband and father you wanted him to be.

He wasn’t that man with you because you weren’t The One.

I’m sorry to say it because it’s hard to hear but you’re right, false hope isn’t going to help you move forward.

How he has treated your child is shit. That’s where you need to focus your energies. Would he have your child more often? Perhaps for an overnight?

@Liteattheendofthetunnel He has moved on. You need to move on to. I understand it hurts seeing him live the life you wanted with someone else but nothing is going to change that. It's time to focus on yourself, your life and how you can live the life you want. You need to make yourself happy or get help to do that through therapy. Stop watching him and watch yourself instead.