Feel sad at ex’s new life

[Liteattheendofthetunnel]

My ex boyfriend never wanted to get married. We were engaged but it was more out of duty and never planned a wedding.

fast forward to today and he’s now got a wife and a child and another one on the way. We have a child together who he couldn’t give a shit about and sees them a few hours every few weeks.

he is absolutely besotted with her and they have a lovely lifestyle (known through mutual friends).

i just can’t help but feel sad. It feels he’s the person I begged him to be with her and I don’t want him back but it still hurts for me and my child.

I’m sorry OP. This is a shitty situation for you and DC.

But even you say you didn’t discuss marriage so I think you know he wasn’t the one for you.

You’ll meet someone who thinks you’re amazing and wants to be with you one day. Make sure you have time to yourself and some hobbies of your own so that you are meeting people in every day life, I know it can be hard with DC.

It’s awful that he doesn’t see DC very often. Is this something you have tried to change? Would it make you feel better if he did make more effort? If I was her I would not find it attractive that he doesn’t see his child more. Do you ever communicate with her directly when you drop off / pick up DC? I would try and befriend her, mostly to get under his skin, but also because she may be able to influence him to see DC more if you sew the seeds.

💐

i will never ever befriend her and I don’t think she’d want to befriend me. From what I hear she wears the trousers so she’s probably happy enough with less time with my child

Yeah maybe he fell for her and changed as a result. If people tell you about it just say "glad he's happy but really don't want to talk about my ex - I'm sure you'll understand"

The thing is he is not a decent person and neither is she. Seeing your child a few hours every few weeks is just crap. And being with a man who does this is crap too. So maybe he is besotted but the two of them are welcome to each other. I'd have no respect for either of them.

Yeah unless OP is asking what genuine friend says this to someone?

Maybe it’s time for mutual friends to go I had some that faked friendship with me for the gossip I swear. They would say happy birthday followed with don’t mean to prey but are you still in the house don’t answer if you don’t want to. 🙄 This was the same women that on our engagement party brought up his exs to stir something was so bizarre. Some people live for a bit of drama so probably say it to see a response from you.

Sounds like some new friends and getting out there is what OP needs otherwise you have one foot in your old life being around friends you went out together with nah no fresh start. It’s been a few years for them to marry and be on to their second child.

You can’t force him to parent either sadly. I’m still in the team of he will probably blow it up in a few years. A guy who fell out of love and leaves a relationship due to that would be spending more time with his child not a few hours a week at most that’s insane.

There is no magical relationship on the planet that would make me be okay with such little time and not even an over night? What does he do take them out for a few hours and just drops them off again? Is it the same every week or just random every few weeks? How old is your child?

Truthfully, it could be because he has found the one for him. He maybe wasn’t happy in your relationship, hence the going out all the time and doing his ‘hobbies’. Now he is with the right person, that’s changed. Im not saying that as a reflection of you- sometimes people just aren’t compatible and it isn’t ’there’. Don’t know what he is playing at with your shared child though, he’s being a useless father.

He obviously feels differently about her.

All may be well while he's 'obsessed' and 'besotted' with her, but the man has a horrible flip side - the way he's treated his child is evidence of that.

@Liteattheendofthetunnel

I do feel sorry for your pain and I understand it. I agree with PP and would say that the way he treats your child is awful and I wonder how he justifies this to his spouse.

But: stop obsessing over the pair of them or their family. If you keep looking back and being sad then you aren’t enjoying the blessings your life holds. You have a much loved child who adores you back. You must have friends and family who love you both. You only get one life!! Stop pining for a man who wasn’t meant for you. Why not think about what you want to fill your life with, what hobbies you want to try, journeys you want to go on with your child, dreams you have that you want to achieve. You must stop looking back and focus on building an amazing life yourself. That way you open yourself up to find someone who will be right for you - if that’s what you want.

I have noticed this pattern a lot with men, they are happy to nurture the children of the woman that they are in love with at the time (I have seen them take better care of step children than they have of their own biological children just because they love the mother).
I have a theory that it suits them to provide for the current family as that benefits them, providing for and nurturing a child from a previous relationship drains them financially and they are no longer receiving any benefits from the other children's mother.
Basically it's your ex, not you. You could have been anyone and he would have treated you the same way, he will treat the new woman/children the same way if they split up (they may never split🤷‍♀️)

This is it.
You two were ultimately not compatible, and your communication styles simply did not suit each other.

I think I’m just more sad for my child when I see them on their family days out and going to hotels and on holidays and doing things together that he wouldn’t do with us

The truth is men change for who they want to change for. If he couldn’t love you correctly and make those changes for you then it just means he wasn’t the right man for you and you wasn't the right woman for him. And that’s ok. It’s no reflection on your worth. It’s shit but you need to focus on your own life and eventually you’ll meet your person and have the same. If you was happy in your life you wouldn’t care about their life.

It’s completely ok and understandable for you to mourn the life you never had with him for you and for your DD. That is very sad and totally understandable.

He might be the happiest person in the world, he might be the saddest, it doesn’t really matter. The point is: you wanted that happy life with him and didn’t get it.

One day you’ll be fine with it all. In the meantime, it’s ok to grieve. But don’t let yourself get lost in the grief for too long and try and look at the good stuff in the here and now, too.

This really isn’t true and its not helpful. People behave differently in different relationships. The only lesson to be drawn from this is for OP to learn not to try to fit a square peg in a round hole. Next relationship be prepared to demand the best instead of wishing he would change.

They say comparison is the thief of joy and nothing rings more true in this moment. OP you deserve to have exactly what he’s offering her right now and I hope you find it. I’m sorry he didn’t offer you or your child these things - that’s a man showing his real, true colours. That trait is still in him so PP who said you had a lucky escape are right. But there are other men out there who are willing to offer exactly that and more so if that’s what you want one day I hope it will be yours. Take care.

It was a new boyfriend of my friend who didn’t realise he was my ex but knows other people in our friend group know him and was saying about how much my ex has changed and how happy he is and how he’s given up hobbies for his woman and how he wasn’t surprised because she’s absolutely gorgeous. My friend tried to talk over him to divert attention. It was very awkward.

That was the only direct one and apparently the conversation continued on after me and my friend went to the bathroom. But I’ve said to my own friends ‘he’s happy isn’t he’ and they’ve been trying to comfort me but they haven’t been able to say no he’s not. They’re seen together all the time too. Cant say too much without being outing because they both love a certain hobby and always at it together hand in hand. That I’ve seen with my own eyes.

He was saying Jesus have you seen X recently? He’s looking great etc. he knows the group I was out with, the men in it anyway, would’ve known him through school and sport.

How old were you both when you got together? If you were younger then people can grow and change.

Not being involved with your child isn't great and says a lot about him. On the plus side you do get to parent how you want and that can be a big plus of being single.

I know it it’s tough, but it sounds like he was not into you and moved onto someone more appropriate for him

Late 20s. His wife his over 10 years younger than him

Hi , my ex left my 3 month old and me for someone else , he then had another child . He stopped seeing our child when she was 5 , she is now 25 ! I have met someone else and we have been together for 20 years. It was awful when it happened, but I’m now much happier.