Feel sad at ex’s new life

[Liteattheendofthetunnel]

My ex boyfriend never wanted to get married. We were engaged but it was more out of duty and never planned a wedding.

fast forward to today and he’s now got a wife and a child and another one on the way. We have a child together who he couldn’t give a shit about and sees them a few hours every few weeks.

he is absolutely besotted with her and they have a lovely lifestyle (known through mutual friends).

i just can’t help but feel sad. It feels he’s the person I begged him to be with her and I don’t want him back but it still hurts for me and my child.

My ex husband was obsessed with his first wife obsessed with his second wife obsessed with his fiance and is currently obsessed with wife number three each time the split has "come out of nowhere" each time he has moved on fast and further away from his only biological children it's just how he is he changes completely for each person too! I don't drink often nor smoke so he quit smoking his fiance drank and smoked suddenly he drinks and smokes this one is a dog lover so he bought a dog! It's rather sad and strange

Sometimes that’s just the way it goes. People love to say karma will get a person and they’ll have a miserable life but sometimes the dickhead does actually win in life.

Focus on yourself and your child and don’t worry about him. Nasty work that he barely bothers with his child that he has with you

This is exactly how I feel. They’re both not nice people and they’ve just landed on their feet.

He doesn’t drink anymore or go out on nights out. One of the things we argued about but what he stopped for her. They know him just from being from the same area. As I said he’s well known so it’s been a talked about this him landing on his feet with a young good looking wife and how great he’s looking and how he’s like a totally knew man.

ive never seen anything to the contrary. It’s really consuming me at the minute to be honest.

It really is the way the cookie crumbles unfortunately. You have to focus on other things because it’ll probably drive you mad

Married her 1.5 years ago but they’ve been together since the week after we split. I’m convinced it was ongoing though. Child is 7.

believe it or not I am happy I just get so upset when I see the life they have.

sorry thought I had answered that, we split 5 years ago

at the start everyone kept don’t worry they’ll break up, it won’t last, he’ll come to his senses, she’ll get bored, they’ll never actually marry…’.

I really wish well meaning people wouldn’t say this sort of stuff in a break up, it is rarely the case and isn’t helpful to the party who is hurting

Blimey you're spiteful. Could you just have not posted that?

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OP, the people who talk in cliches think that they're making your pain easier but they aren't. Treat those comments as the rubbish that they are and disregard. You won't know what goes on behind your ex's closed doors and nor should you, you do know that he didn't meet your needs and those of your child. He wasn't up to it and that's that really.

It is hard, really hard to see somebody who has been so present in your life, find happiness in their new life whilst they left you in a heap but you have your child and you have all the opportunities to bring up your child without interference from their father. I know it's a double-edged sword as you also have the responsibility but I know which I would choose. It's sad for your child that her father isn't in her life but that really is his loss. I had a shit father too and we were estranged by the time I was a teen. He died alone in his care home, nobody went to the funeral.

I don't know how old your child is but do you have other male friends/relatives to provide a male-figure for him/her? Do you have family support at all?

I know this situation really smarts; it won't always feel that painful and as your life without this man carries on, he will feature in your thoughts less and less. Your child has you, their solid and dependable Mum who will always be in their corner. That's worth everything.

Thank you. Because every single time they kept saying no; it happened. They don’t get engaged; they did. They won’t have an actual wedding, it’s an engagement ring to keep her happy; then I hear he picked the band, the reception etc. it was all him apparently.

She must have quite low standards. Imagine loving someone who is a shit dad! Not so perfect.

You said that he’s ’well known’ in the area but someone is telling you all of this, I do hope that this person isn’t pretending to be your friend while feeding you the gossip.

Op this is hard. Sounds similar to my ex but thankfully we didn't have any children.

Without being harsh he didn't do these things with/for you because he didn't want to do them with you.

It's shit but you need if you can to distance yourself from the chat/gossip around them.

If he's not a terrible dad I would also suggest that he starts having you DC more. Why should he skjp off into the sunset and ditch your DC. You would then have a bit more time to build a life for yourself.

He may very well be ‘besotted’ by the new wife but he isn't a good person if he doesn’t see your child. Sounds to me like a lot of guilt and a lot of wanting to project a good ‘family man’ image of himself locally. Ultimately, he is not a good father, he knows it and everyone who knows he has a child with you that he doesn’t see knows it, too. I have far more admiration for you.

Usually when men say they don't want to get married it's just that they don't want to marry you. My DH was with his ex 12 years and was never engaged, and never wanted to get married to her. He was talking about getting married to me after 2 months and we were married within 2 years. He says looking back now he thought he loved her but he really didn't and he knew deep down he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with her.

He has 2 kids with her however and he's managed to maintain a relationship with them both. We have one 50% and one 100%. Your ex is a jerk for leaving his older child behind like he has. Maybe you weren't the one for him but he chose to have a child with you and that child will always be his responsibility.

He does yeah but he could be paying more. She’s in a very very good job so their household income is massive.

I find it incredible that these men can't commit to marriage with a woman but will happily have a child with them!
A much, bigger, life-long commitment surely?

I don’t think OP needs to hear the classic “they probably have a crap life behind the scenes” line.

Who knows, we are human and we learn sometimes from mistakes. We react differently to other people. One life with two people vary from relationship to relationship.

Not ideal about the childcare but I’ve heard it happen sometimes. It wouldn’t be my choice, however those I know who don’t see their children much seem to have almost compartmentalised their life.

It seems to me that there is lots of work to do here OP. Therapy would be a really good outlet, working on what you want and what makes you happy. So you can live in the now rather than ruminating over the past.