Feel sad at ex’s new life

[Liteattheendofthetunnel]

My ex boyfriend never wanted to get married. We were engaged but it was more out of duty and never planned a wedding.

fast forward to today and he’s now got a wife and a child and another one on the way. We have a child together who he couldn’t give a shit about and sees them a few hours every few weeks.

he is absolutely besotted with her and they have a lovely lifestyle (known through mutual friends).

i just can’t help but feel sad. It feels he’s the person I begged him to be with her and I don’t want him back but it still hurts for me and my child.

So you also want her to support your child and not him. You really are sounding more and more like the ex.

Or they may remain happy. Trying to steadfastly convince OP that they won’t isn’t helpful, it’s a cliche that people trot out because they want desperately to believe that someone who has hurt them has to pay for it. They don’t.

Whether they remain happy or not shouldn’t matter.

Look. The reality is this: I am a FAR better wife to my DH than I was to my ex H. He is a FAR better husband to me than he was to his ex wife. We’re just a better fit together than either of us were with them. You could call us obsessed. I don’t feel complete unless I’m with DH and he tells me it’s vice versa 🤷🏻‍♀️ but that doesn’t reflect poorly on our exes. It just means it wasn’t meant to be and it’s better it finished.

re your child? He’s a shit. Get your cms in and put the fixation on your ex into your kid.

I’ve seen quite a few relationships go this way - couple meets and get together young (college/uni age) take their first steps into adulthood together (graduate/get first jobs/first house) sleepwalk into an engagement and often a child in their mid twenties because that’s the ‘next step’ and then either one of them meets someone new and buggers off or they get married, realise they’d completed all the big milestones before 30, freak out and move on with someone else. Anecdotally it’s usually the guy who does the leaving, having finally grown up and decided to try and be in charge of their life, rather than doing what they think will make things easier. Unfortunately this blindsides the women who grew up a lot sooner, have probably sacrificed a lot for the relationship/kids in terms of friendships and career and then have to watch their ex actually act like the adult they always wanted him to be in a new relationship while they struggle to start over.

Sending you a hug @Liteattheendofthetunnel. it’s very hard to see what you are seeing. You need to realise these facts:

• you can and will feel better over time
• you have a wonderful child who is yours and that is a blessing
• he is not a good person. Someone who does not see their child is a shit.

it sounds like he is a ‘coaster’. Who wants a coaster in their life? Look for better, aim higher. It will come to you.

They won’t have the perfect relationship op. No one does. The sheer fact he does not involve himself in his child’s life says so so much about who he is.

keep your head high, stop seeing anyone who talks about them infront of you, and search for a new tribe of people who you can be around. Design a new life for yourself and grab it with both hands.

i say this with some similar experience except we had no children. He met someone straight away after a text break up and had kids etc. I met someone later and got married, have a gorgeous son now. Husband has own business and we have a brilliant family life. The kind I thought had been ‘taken’ from me similar to how you see things. Was very hard for me that time but over the years it’s completely faded and I feel lucky he did what he did so I could escape to better things. I read Cheryl Strayed ‘Tiny beautiful things’ which really spoke to me at that time. Would recommend it.
Lots of love to you xxx

You have to accept it and move on.. it's been half a decade, how much more time are you going to spend dwelling on this? Get therapy and make 2025 your year.

nuttyroche2, I honestly have read it - the OP's posts anyway - I'm missing something, clearly? Apologies though if I leapt in to criticise your post unfairly, sorry about that.

10 years younger.. he's such a cliché

He doesn’t need to justify it to the spouse bc she’s probably the reason he has so little contact

I'm not surprised you feel sad it's very natural. You need to totally unsubscribe from updates about him.

What? Why do some people do this, if there is a woman somewhere blame her and not the man responsible. No she’s not to blame. He is.

FFS - seriously? She’s a woman so no matter what she is never capable of anything negative? Really? I’m offering a different and not unlikely scenario based on reading dozens of similar MN threads and a lot of times this is the case. It’s not always the case but it can be. I’m not saying the father is blameless. But believe it or not there are some women out there who happen to have started a relationship with a father and jealousy C A N creep in. Grow up.

Honestly, don't believe other people's opinions of someone's relationship. My ex left me after 3 years. I do have children, yet not with him. I was devastated as I loved him so much. He was with someone else quickly, and I suspect now there was monkey branching. He left me in May 23, saying he still loved m,e yet he was feeling lost, and by October 23, he was at my door crying, telling me he was feeling suicidal and he needed somewhere to stay for the night. I shouldn't have let him in, yet I'm a counsellor and a complete soft touch when it comes to him. He spent all night moaning about how horrid she is. I stupidly had sex with him that night, as I was still in love with him. All he did was spend the night saying how angry he was at himself for literally moving in with her by August 23. I told him he's mad, and what a stupid thing to do when he barely knew her. He had depression from a job loss when we were together, which is why I think he left. Anyway, the other woman finds out he's stayed with me that night, calls the police on me, saying I was harrasing him and tells me I'll get arrested if I ever speak to him again. The police called me, saying they aren't doing anything as my ex told them he came to see me, not the other way around. Roll on a year later, she sends me photos of them in Mexico together, the photos weren't even nice, as she looks older than me, and she's ten years younger. A month later, I get a debt letter for him at our house (as we had lived together), his main bank account had been frozen, and he's 2k in debt! When he had no debt whatsoever, when he was with me. No way is my ex having a good life with that woman, and yes, he might have got to Mexico, but he's now in debt. He loves DJs as do I I went to see one he loves, and I spent all night thinking I would see my ex there, and he wasn't there. Probably does nothing with his life now that he's in debt. I am still gutted over losing him, and it's been 18 months. Yet if he's too weak to leave a controlling woman like her, then he's not for me, as I need someone way stronger than someone weak like he turned out to be.

It depends on what another woman will / won't put up with. My own father did nothing around the house when he was with my mum, went out with own friends twice a week and 'wouldn't let' my mum have a decent job as she had to stay home for the kids. Now he's with my stepmum, he does all the cooking and cleaning and they go out socially together or he doesn't go out. And she's a go-getting career woman, he wouldn't dare tell her what she can do there either. Maybe this other woman is the same - marry me or get lost, we go out only as a couple etc. You never know about another couples dynamic.

Sorry your feeling this way.
Sounds to me like he didn't want to marry you and made that clear hence the engagement because you had a child.
Regarding your child theirs no excuse for being a shitty dad.
I've had children and boyfriends fiance and I just went along with it.
I met this man I've known him since I was 19, I didn't know I had feelings for him however it was pointed out to me over 10 years ago, we had a brief fling won't go into details but I've never felt love like it and I won't again he was and will be the only man I'd ever marry sometimes you meet people and click it's not your ex's fault.