Do you think once a man hits you once he’ll do it again?

[Missmaria95]

I’m 28 and he’s 37, we’ve been together nearly 3 years. I’ve always knew he had a temper, not necessarily towards me, just no patients. He is an ex body builder, so for the first few months of our relationship he was taking steroids, admittedly he treated me really bad during those times. But last week, he punched me in the face, not hard enough for me to be in pain but all the same he punched me, he then spat in my face twice. This happed because I was moody due to us travelling 2 hours with his friend to end up just driving back home because his friends girlfriend didn’t want to participate, but I ‘ruined’ it by being moody. He apologised and said how much he hates himself. Like I say, this is the first time in the whole relationship he actually hit me. Do you think because I ‘forgave’ him he’ll do it again?

Sorry - committed the cardinal sin of not reading your updates. It’s great that you’re leaving. Please work on your fear of being alone. As you have described, it makes you desperate to be in a relationship and it makes you accept appalling treatment like you describe doing at the beginning of this relationship.

It’s great that you’re leaving while he’s at work. That’s safest. Let your family and friends look after you and keep posting here for support.

Op - please try and be gentle with yourself. He’s an abuser, and it isn’t your fault, in any way.
You are allowed to feel sad at the thought of being on your own, but it might give you some time to explore your patterns, and what lies underneath them. People don’t just decide to be insecure, something has happened to cause it.
if you’re able to get some counselling, that would probably be beneficial, and the Freedom Programme is mentioned on here a lot.

Why wouldn’t he do it again?

*DH not DS 🤦‍♀️

Yes the physical abuse will escalate. He will always be sorry. He will do it again and again. Get out now

WTF have I just read? I can’t believe you are still with this utter wanker. And make better choices moving forward.

@Missmaria95 glad you're packing today and leaving. Stay somewhere safe and stay strong. Please call police 101 to report it when you are safe. Please do that, to stop it happening again to another woman, someone's friend, someone's daughter or mother.

The answer is after a first hit you leave so never find out.

I used to volunteer for a DV charity, 3 women a week are killed by their partner or ex partner. This doesn’t include the near misses, I have met women who were in intensive care for weeks having been attacked so badly it’s a miracle they are alive. If you want to see just how badly things can escalate watch murdered by my boyfriend on BBC I player.

I would ask what relationships were modelled to you as a child because for some it seems quit normal. Or they have low self esteem as an individual.

I am glad you are leaving, do not go back under any circumstances and do not agree to see him. There is no need. He may try and explain and be sorry but all you have to remember is he hit me. I would advise you to change your phone number because even if you block he may use other phones to try and contact you. Also report to the police so there is a log, he may very well have attacked other women.

Good luck, come back here for support.

Well done OP. Please update us when you are in a safer environment. You might not want to divulge with whom or where you are... Please understand that you are actually in greater risk for a couple of months when you have cut contact with him. It is what it is. Take good precaution. Take advice from the police for your personal safety.

Yes he'll do it again

Please leave before he ends up killing you

Yes he will do it again and he will escalate. Read this immediately

https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

If you live with him, contact women’s aid to work out an exit plan. DO NOT tell him you’re leaving. This is the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships.

If you don’t live with him, block him everywhere. Keep your door locked and install a ring doorbell or similar. If he comes to your home call the police. Do not answer the door. If he has a key, change the locks.

Once you are safe, report this to the police. He has committed a crime. Punching you is assault and spitting on you is assault. Do you have any abusive messages he’s sent you? If so, report those too. I would also urge you to do a Claire’s Law to see if he has a previous history of domestic abuse.

He won’t get better. He will get worse. You are in very real danger. He doesn’t love you. He spat in your face. That’s utter contempt and he sees you as nothing. Run. And never, ever go back.

This happed because I was moody he felt entitled to hit a woman and he wanted to.

Op there's never a "good" reason to abuse your spouse. It doesn't matter that you were moody. You could have been snogging the bake off another man in front of him and it STILL wouldn't excuse him punching you in the face and then twice spitting in your face. This is 100% on him.

He will do this again, please read into the cycle of violence. Its highly unlikely that this is the only way he's abused you. Its likely he is also gaslighting and emotionally abusive too as those normally pave the way for physical violence.

Start making plans to leave him immediately this will only get worse. And the sad truth is the only reason he did this is because he wanted to. You deserve to be with a partner who would never ever want to hurt you. Anger doesn't cause domestic violence because its targeted and its all about control. He wants to control you not love you. I'm sorry he's done this to you. You deserve to be safe.

Don't do this OP. Tempting as it may be to tell him exactly what you think of him, he is a very dangerous man and if he knows you're leaving, he may well be furious. He won't tolerate being called names - I absolutely wouldn't risk it.

Good luck with the move. You're doing the right thing, 100%.

Do you think because I ‘forgave’ him he’ll do it again?
Don't be so bloody stupid of course he'll do it again
You have as good as given him permission to if you stay.

You stayed during the first few months of the relationship when he treated you bad, that was his gateway to escalate things which predictably he has done.
Why didn't you leave then?

When I'm moody Dh checks in with me to make sure I'm OK, not punch me in the face!

Yes, and it will be worse next time. Leave now!!!

They are always sorry - but never sorry enough to get help and not to do it again - Run and don’t look back!!

Yes he will . Please leave

Yes he will.
And he will probably be more inclined to do it again because you've stayed with him.

OP you are being so brave, many women in situations the same as yours have stayed, had children with these abusive pricks and continued to live in fear and misery for the rest of their lives.

I am so glad you have the courage and strength to leave and have your family behind you.
He will most likely beg and plead, make false promises etc.. but don’t listen, he will do this again if you stay.

Well done for leaving OP you are incredibly brave and I am so sorry this has happened to you. Xx I also agree with reporting to the police as he needs to know punching is never tolerated and he may be scared off from contacting you again. You also may save someone in the future if he has a record of DV.

Also please be prepared for him threatening that he will self harm, abusers like to reframe themselves as the victim.

Sending loads of love and strength OP. Xx

The fact he was on steroids when you first knew him, and all pumped up with testosterone fused anger, should have been a warning sign.

you even suggesting you'd consider continuing this toxic relationship with you as his punchbag after he's gone on to hit you is a clear sign you lack self esteem and feel you only deserve a relationship with an abusive arsehole.

Please leave him and also seek counselling, to try and build your sense of self worth.

I’m glad you are leaving today op. The level of contempt and violence he’s shown you is disgusting and certainly not the way you treat someone you love. The fact that he even managed to get you wondering if this is bad enough to leave is worrying. He’s very dangerous and I hope you will be safe.

I have no idea if he'll do it again, some probably don't... but would I take that chance?

That's a side issue, why would you accept being treated like that even once. Run away now.

All power to you getting out of there, @Missmaria95 Its hard to know what's right or wrong when you're in the thick of it, and it's easy to stifle your internal voice, but you're doing the brave thing.

Well done. You’re doing the right thing. If you struggle with self esteem this is something you can work on and build. Start by reading this

https://dn790006.ca.archive.org/0/items/TheSixPillarsOfSelfEsteem_201811/The-Six-Pillars-of-Self-Esteem.pdf

Then get into some CBT. And find a local women’s aid and do the freedom programme. It will help you to spot red flags in the future. Unfortunately, humans tend to repeat familiar cycles even if they’re not good for us because familiar feels safe even when it’s not. So, before you get involved with anyone else, get comfortable being alone. Fill up your own self esteem. Build your own life. Deal with any past issues that lead you to become codependent. Only when you’re happy to be alone should you even entertain another relationship. Giving someone else the power to determine your happiness is a recipe for disaster. You and you alone should be in charge of your own happiness. Having someone who loves you is a bonus. First, you have to love yourself. Give all that good love you’ve given to partners to yourself. Focus on you. You deserve it. You can do this. Keep talking and reaching out for support. You’re doing the right thing and you should be incredibly proud of yourself.

DUMP THE ARSEHOLE FAST. HE'LL DO IT AGAIN, HITTING YOU AND GUNGING ON YOU.

HE HAS NO THOUGHT FOR YOU, ONLY FOR HIMSELF. HE'S A FREAK.

IF HE HAS HOUSE KEYS THEN CHANGE THE LOCKS, BLOCK HIM ON SOCIAL MEDIA ETC..

KEEP A DIARY ... DON'T TELL HIM ABOUT IT ... ABOUT DATES, TIMES, WHAT HE DID/SAID ETC.