Not sure if partner wants a future with me

[guineapigmother]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, both mid thirties. He is from a part of Eastern Europe that is not friendly to the west RN. He's obviously not anti UK but some family are and maybe it affects how he expresses himself.

He has told me he loves me maybe half a dozen times, some of those prompted. He's not very expressive. He is able to instigate sex, does so whenever I look 'nice' and sometimes says he's sad we don't do it more often (currently 2x a week) but I don't feel very romanced. Whenever he instigates cuddles it's sexual.

I also don't feel appreciated. E.g., I recommend a podcast and he says 'I'm not interested'. Full stop. I know that sounds small, but applies to my political views etc. This makes me feel lonely as I can't really be myself. He says that is oversensitive.

He owns a flat and invited me to move in, doesn't expect contributions. Which is generous and I'm saving. But when I talk about buying together he shuts it down. He definitely doesn't want me to invest in the flat we're living in. He is from a poor background but it makes me feel like he doesn't see a future with me. He's told me I'm being silly when I say that.

There's nothing wrong with him in terms of cheating or other red flags. I am aware of my fertility and want children. I've only broached the issue with him after a drink or two, but he wouldnt answer because of that as he hates alcohol, and now I feel so scared of asking again.

Please slap some sense into me.

I really hate myself if I somehow don't accept other views. I tried.

Please read a book called 'why does he do that'
The 'he's been through a lot' is addressed there.

It doesn't matter if he's been through hellish abuse it doesn't mean you have to stay with him.

You can leave him and start a new life

Please listen to me - DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH A MEAN CONTROLLING MAN JUST BECAUSE YOURE OLDER HE WILL RUIN YIUR LIFE I MADE THAT MISTAKE

If you ignore this advice, then please buy 'how it annihilate a narcissist in the family court' which I'm currently reading as you'll need it

OP, from what you said: you need to decide how important for you is to have a similar political outlook. Nobody will change their views based on any number of podcasts. If the political outlook is important for you, then why did you even start the relations?

if it is not that critical, just stop talking about the topics you know you disagree and he finds annoying. My husband voted reform, I voted labour this election- we are very happily married.
just listen to him - he does tell what he finds annoying, like the drinking example. Nobody wants to come home to a drunken partner who starts discussions about hot political topics she knows you disagree with.

Op I think you're hoping that someone will come along with a magical
Communication technique that will save the day... it dormant exist in this scenario I'm sorry x

it's more like I like this thing, you try it. I bought him my favourite book and he didn't read it. i found that shit but long ago

Does he like to read? Did he ask you about your favourite book and got excited to read it?

No, but I was naive enough to think people in love did that. lol.

So here is your answer - he is not madly in love with you. I bet you don’t need mumsnet to tell you this.

You can choose to stay with him, it's your perogative, but you can expect more of the same. Its his personality, so hoping for change is a waste of time. You are at least getting free board, so I'd advise saving like mad until the day comes where you are fed up enough to leave.
If you want DC's, it looks like the only way is to engineer an 'accident'. If there's no doing that as he takes care of contraception, then by staying you are chosing to forfeit any chance of having your own family. He could waste your fertile years. If you do have a DC with him, it's likely you'll become a single parent down the line, he doesn't strike me as someone who likes to share what he has.

Having said this it doesn’t mean that you can’t stay with him and do what @Opentooffers suggests.

This OP does not seem well. 😞

I'm fine, don't worry. lots of others to worry about.

You need to sit him down and be brave without any drink. Ask him what he wants from the future and tell him what you want.

I think you already know that you’re not really compatible otherwise you would not be posting on here. But ask and prompt properly to get the answers even if they aren’t what you want to hear.

OP a lot of the educated and measured responses on here you dismiss as ‘AI’. People being able to write multiple paragraphs and give hard truths is not AI.

I see you are distressed, but come back to this thread in the day time and when you are sober and re-read everything. People have given you very insightful opinions and fair advice.

Your partner is not committed to you. Go find someone who is.

Strange one this OP.

It’s obvious this man doesn’t care too much about a future with you. If he knew those earrings were diamonds I expect he sold them.

Of course you can meet someone else. You can also have children on your own and I would suggest not having children with someone from a culture that hates our culture.

Why are you calling perfectly rational responses AI and threatening to report people? Do you think you drink too much? Have you always been a drinker or is it since living with this Prince of yours?

My advice, like most on here, is start planning to leave him if you want to meet someone who wants a future with you. Every minute with him is another minute where you don’t meet that person. Save as much as you can. If you can work from home consider moving out from the city where you can have more disposable income. Get a lease on a place and gradually start moving important things over. Since you run the risk of him kicking you out whenever he likes, I would not break up with him until you have somewhere to go. Then if you know you want a family etc start dating as if it’s a second job. And walk away from any time wasters and red flags straight away. Join classes. Go to singles events. OLD. New hobbies etc.

My guess was Russia.

Awful bloody advice to force a baby on him.

They do.

I have married similar man to your partner. 2DCs and 17 years down the line, I hate my life with him and just waiting for DCs to leave home so I can leave, too.
I feel that I have wasted my life with someone who's 'not bad' . Don't make my mistake, please.

Good god, why are you with him??? He sounds horrible.

This is terrible. You can't really want to saddle children with this life?

I'm sorry but sometimes marriage and children don't work out. Better to be single and childfree than to settle for some sub-par specimen and foist that on your offspring.