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Relationships

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Not sure if partner wants a future with me

121 replies

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 19:59

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, both mid thirties. He is from a part of Eastern Europe that is not friendly to the west RN. He's obviously not anti UK but some family are and maybe it affects how he expresses himself.

He has told me he loves me maybe half a dozen times, some of those prompted. He's not very expressive. He is able to instigate sex, does so whenever I look 'nice' and sometimes says he's sad we don't do it more often (currently 2x a week) but I don't feel very romanced. Whenever he instigates cuddles it's sexual.

I also don't feel appreciated. E.g., I recommend a podcast and he says 'I'm not interested'. Full stop. I know that sounds small, but applies to my political views etc. This makes me feel lonely as I can't really be myself. He says that is oversensitive.

He owns a flat and invited me to move in, doesn't expect contributions. Which is generous and I'm saving. But when I talk about buying together he shuts it down. He definitely doesn't want me to invest in the flat we're living in. He is from a poor background but it makes me feel like he doesn't see a future with me. He's told me I'm being silly when I say that.

There's nothing wrong with him in terms of cheating or other red flags. I am aware of my fertility and want children. I've only broached the issue with him after a drink or two, but he wouldnt answer because of that as he hates alcohol, and now I feel so scared of asking again.

Please slap some sense into me.

OP posts:
Parkmybentley · 15/08/2024 20:04

Why are you with him? It sounds awful. No way to live. Regardless of your age, throw this one back in the sea. Surely you can do better? Maybe some personal counselling to look into why you ignored the massive waving red flags at the start?

LilacCadillac · 15/08/2024 20:06

Yeah, the literal waving red flags

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 20:07

While I remember grievances and before others have posted. I left diamond earrings in his old flat's bathroom after my mother's funeral. Didn't go back before we moved to our current home, a month or so. He chucked them into a bin bag and they were lost. Worth a few grand and my only valuable jewellery. Is partly my fault but I think he probably should have attempted a replacement. Maybe unreasonable. He said he'd replace but never did it.

OP posts:
guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 20:08

Parkmybentley · 15/08/2024 20:04

Why are you with him? It sounds awful. No way to live. Regardless of your age, throw this one back in the sea. Surely you can do better? Maybe some personal counselling to look into why you ignored the massive waving red flags at the start?

I'm never going to find someone at my age, and he's not that bad. He's been through a lot and has never been terrible.

OP posts:
Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 15/08/2024 20:08

Take a step back and read what you wrote as if it was written by a friend. What would you say to your friend?

Honestly, this man's heart is just not in it. You are convenient for now. I'm so sorry, it is hard to admit to oneself.

My advice is to stop looking at what he is doing or trying to figure him out. What do you want? Do you feel loved? Appreciated? If the answer is no, then you know what you need to do.

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 20:11

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 15/08/2024 20:08

Take a step back and read what you wrote as if it was written by a friend. What would you say to your friend?

Honestly, this man's heart is just not in it. You are convenient for now. I'm so sorry, it is hard to admit to oneself.

My advice is to stop looking at what he is doing or trying to figure him out. What do you want? Do you feel loved? Appreciated? If the answer is no, then you know what you need to do.

I'd tell a friend to dump him tbh, but I'm quite far in.

He's not looking for other women. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 15/08/2024 20:11

He's emotionally distant, the sex is mediocre at best, and he won't discuss a future with you. Kindly, OP, he has issues and you are not part of his long-term plans. Please don't waste any more of your youth and fertility on him.

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 15/08/2024 20:14

You are worth more than this.

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 20:14

Why would he do stuff like buy pets with me if he doesn't see a future? Also, selfishly - I'm in London, could only scrape together a home if I left him. Which I suppose is better than a lot of people could manage.

OP posts:
loropianalover · 15/08/2024 20:16

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 20:11

I'd tell a friend to dump him tbh, but I'm quite far in.

He's not looking for other women. I don't know what to do.

You’re not quite far in - you have no property or kids together. Unmarried, you’ve been saving money. NOW is the time to leave.

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 20:17

loropianalover · 15/08/2024 20:16

You’re not quite far in - you have no property or kids together. Unmarried, you’ve been saving money. NOW is the time to leave.

I'm so tired of dating.

I've asked if he wants to be with me long term and he says 'yes' but no details.

OP posts:
SamW98 · 15/08/2024 20:19

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 20:08

I'm never going to find someone at my age, and he's not that bad. He's been through a lot and has never been terrible.

Is that really what you think you’re worth - a life partner who’s ’not terrible.?

Honestly please raise your bar. Its better being single than to be in anyone relationship just to have a man who’s ’not that bad’

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 20:19

I want a family, it's so shit he's a dickhead.

OP posts:
Brexile · 15/08/2024 20:23

It's never too late to dump a dickhead.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/08/2024 20:24

Find somewhere to live and get rid of him

as for this rubbish that you wont find someone else at your age - you are talking about wanting children so you are def young enough to throw this one back

you may excuse him as being not that bad but on the other hand he's not that good

and you want good in fact you want and deserve better !!!

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 20:24

is there any way I'm being unreasonable though? I definitely have been drinking more since my mum died, nothing outrageous but I suppose might be tricky for some. He isn't teetotal.

OP posts:
guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 20:26

I'm middling GC too. He hates it, almost called me a Nazi once even though he'd never date a trans girl.

OP posts:
Olika · 15/08/2024 20:29

You need to have these conversations about children/marriage/future especially when you are in your 30s. It's not enough just to be with someone because you love them, you don't have time on your side anymore what comes to fertility. The way you describe him and your relationship doesn't sound promising and you cannot be with him out of fear. I walked out of my relationship at age 37 and I met my now DH 6 weeks later. I cannot promise it happens to you but you never know if you keep staying with the wrong person.

StormingNorman · 15/08/2024 20:29

You want a family, you’re in your 30s and he’s giving nothing to this relationship. Please think carefully about what a future with him looks likes. Would you give up children for boring sex with someone who isn’t interested in what you have to say?

XChrome · 15/08/2024 20:32

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 20:08

I'm never going to find someone at my age, and he's not that bad. He's been through a lot and has never been terrible.

What? You're mid thirties.

Yes, he is that bad. I know you don't want to face it, because then you'd feel the need to go through a breakup. But face it you must. Luv, he basically just uses you for sex and shows no interest in you as a person. He's strongly indicated that there is no real future with him. Cut your losses.

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 20:33

The sex is OK, he is attractive. It is everything else! Political stuff is very difficult,.he just listens to politicsJOE type crap and hates nuance, isn't really interested in my view. Gets bit annoyed if I am passionate.

OP posts:
XChrome · 15/08/2024 20:33

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 20:26

I'm middling GC too. He hates it, almost called me a Nazi once even though he'd never date a trans girl.

Yikes! Dump this hypocritical, nasty asshole.

SamW98 · 15/08/2024 20:35

Fucking hell he called you a NAZI for believing in biological facts and you stay with him?

Honestly you’re wasting your life there’s so much more than being with someone who’s ’not terrible’

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 20:36

Do wonder if drinking has been a result of feeling sad.

OP posts:
XChrome · 15/08/2024 20:36

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 20:14

Why would he do stuff like buy pets with me if he doesn't see a future? Also, selfishly - I'm in London, could only scrape together a home if I left him. Which I suppose is better than a lot of people could manage.

Because he wanted a pet and knows you are there to help him take care of it, making it more convenient than it would have been without you. He's a user.

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