Not sure if partner wants a future with me

[guineapigmother]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, both mid thirties. He is from a part of Eastern Europe that is not friendly to the west RN. He's obviously not anti UK but some family are and maybe it affects how he expresses himself.

He has told me he loves me maybe half a dozen times, some of those prompted. He's not very expressive. He is able to instigate sex, does so whenever I look 'nice' and sometimes says he's sad we don't do it more often (currently 2x a week) but I don't feel very romanced. Whenever he instigates cuddles it's sexual.

I also don't feel appreciated. E.g., I recommend a podcast and he says 'I'm not interested'. Full stop. I know that sounds small, but applies to my political views etc. This makes me feel lonely as I can't really be myself. He says that is oversensitive.

He owns a flat and invited me to move in, doesn't expect contributions. Which is generous and I'm saving. But when I talk about buying together he shuts it down. He definitely doesn't want me to invest in the flat we're living in. He is from a poor background but it makes me feel like he doesn't see a future with me. He's told me I'm being silly when I say that.

There's nothing wrong with him in terms of cheating or other red flags. I am aware of my fertility and want children. I've only broached the issue with him after a drink or two, but he wouldnt answer because of that as he hates alcohol, and now I feel so scared of asking again.

Please slap some sense into me.

OP you are not reading all the messages.

I wanted advice, and the aggressiveness of some of the 'help' is counterproductive tbh. I genuinely want advice, don't have other people to ask.

Why did you come on here? When you say replies are nonsense? How is my post nonsense? I work at Womens Aid and believe me, i hear these stories, not unlike yours...and these women have, are being abused. You are being conditioned by him into expecting very very minimal from him. If you can live like that then fine. You will constantly be looking for any sign that he loves you, youll do anything, so he loves you...you will be running this relationship single handedly forever. Your self esteem will be that low that youll think you can't leave. The advice on here is pretty bang on from some...but youre choosing the ones that fit the narrative you want. We arent all going to say he is the strong silent type and you must try harder. Im not sure this is genuine post tbh. If it is... please undertake the freedom programme. Now im outta here for sure. Good luck

you said that this post below was nonsense, to which I responded that it wasn’t.

Are you hearing yourself? He didnt lose them. Im outta here, youre not listening to people. Do you want people to say, nah just go for it, he seems ok. You wont hear that im afraid. You will have no intimacy with this man, no love, no togetherness... etc. believe me i know. take care. Make your own decisions...but please look at undertaking the freedom programme

Explanation as to why it is not nonsense:

He did not lose them.
That is true. You told us he threw them away. How could he be so careless as to treat them like rubbish. Even if they had been glass/fake they were yours and special . He must have known that. Doesn’t he care about your things? And did you say you’d worn them to your mother’s funeral? If so that is abusive. (Or, is there any chance he sold them even? All he had to do was ask a jeweller and they would have kniwn they were real and paid cash for them.) All of these scenarios are bad.

You will have no intimacy with this man, no love no togetherness…
That explains itself. Your relationship is already like that. Your OP is bleak.

I know
How can you call this nonsense? A poster is sharing her own sad experience. She needn’t have bothered to expose herself but did, trying to be helpful to you.

But please look undertaking the freedom programme

The Freedom Programme is often recommended on these threads. You Can do it on line if I remember correctly. It is for people who are trapped in unhealrhy relationships ( not necessarily physical) who can’t see the wood for the trees.

You seem depressed, hopeless, defeated, full of self doubt and lacking boundaries and self-respect.What happened that you feel this way? You could get out with help.

Agee also work in VAWG and see these situations all the time and it gets worse when children are involved.

There’s only one person being aggressive on this thread OP and that’s you. People have turn very valid comments and you’re just turning abusive towards them.

Good luck - you’re going to need it but any genuine posters will be out of this thread due to your attitude

No she doesn’t sound full of hate. She sounds full of exasperation based on her genuine knowledge. she also sounds passionate. Lucky you that she answered.

You’ve had lots of advice , some from Professionals but you continue to get angry because people aren’t telling you what you want to hear
It’s clear to all of us looking in that you need to leave this man . That is your advice . Obviously it’s up to you if you take it but stop shooting the messengers!

If people think I should leave this guy I'm happy to listen but the way it's been put forward is bizarre

'Professionals' shouting isn't helpful, I'm not just going to do what you say because you know, educated woman.

People are simply saying the relationship isn't healthy and when we say that you defend it despite saying that you wanted sense slapping into you?

which is it? It seems like you don't want advice and you don't like that people are telling you to leave?

I am real. MN will know that. I have posted on MN long before Snapchat which I don’t even know how to use. In fact there is probably a tool for recognising my style of English.

There is not one disingenuous thing I have said to you. The answer of mine you say comes from Snapchat took some time - all because I thought you genuinely did not understand.

I should think, MN might well close this thread.

Maybe you're real but others are not. I certainly am and am distressed about how this has gone. I wanted help and advice.

But you have received advice? The relationship isn't healthy and based off your previous post this man isn't going to change.

You need to save some money for a deposit for a flat share (start searching on spare room) or if you want a 1bed you'll need to move to surrounding areas like Kent etc and commute in for work.

The relationship will only get worse, and if you plan on having children in an unhealthy relationship that also isn't fair to kids.

You need to leave

OK, thank you. I am saving money so that is possible.

I just hate certain posters acting like I'm a stupid bitch. I lost my only close relative recently, it was hard, so I don't get the harshness. it's not needed.

Run, like the devil himself is after you, from this one.

Raise the bar pet, right now the bar appears to be on the floor.

I’m so sorry to hear your mother died, that must have been awful. I know that when I’ve been sad in my marriage I’ve taken to drinking more, just kept an eye on it.

A lot of people are saying you’ve plenty of time to have a family with someone else. I disagree. From the age of 35, as a woman, your fertility significantly declines year on year. It is not always easy to start a family. So I understand the pressure.

However, you and your partner sound quite different, you potentially have very different values. You are open and communicative, he is not. You are planning your future together, he is not. You don’t feel appreciated unless he wants sex. You have different views on finances. I’m sure he’s nice in many ways which clouds the bad. I actually think they even if you truly wanted a family with him, I’m not sure he truly wants one with you. It’s hard to have a relaxed, happy relationship when your values don’t align. This sounds stressful. Would you want him calling you a Nazi in front of your child? You both deserve better.

You could see if he’s up for couples counselling to help see if you can come together on things. Personally, I’d be looking at leaving, freezing your eggs, adoption etc. You have options. You sound lovely

thank you

There has been no harshness...

I think if you sleep on this you wanted posters to validate the relationship and tell you it was healthy and people haven't. Again that signals something unhealthy the fact you don't trust your instincts because deep down you know you need to leave.

Some employers have schemes where they'll pay your deposit and take it from your wages and some do have help/advice for those in abusive relationships maybe do speak to HR.

Best of luck to you

My dad was from Eastern Europe - possibly the country your BF's from.

When I was a teenager, family wanted to arrange a marriage for me...I thought it was a joke, but Mum threatened to return to the UK with me and the family passport and leave Dad behind. (This was the 1970s.)

When I completed uni at the ripe old age of 23, a great-uncle told me that it was time to find myself a Scottish husband. I was obviously too old by his standards... (Ironically, his great-granddaughter is now in her mid 20s, unmarried and a junior lecturer.)

What I'm saying is that I strongly suspect that your BF will look for a younger woman when it comes to starting a family.

It seems like you are quite distressed OP which I understand considering the loss of your mum and current issues in your relationship but you are the one who is being argumentative. I feel you may have had a drink tonight so maybe sleep on it and come back to the thread in the morning if it's still here. People are trying to give you genuine advice. This relationship isn't healthy for you.

Thank you - no drinking, but I have found this quite upsetting. it's easy to say leave the bastard but I wanted to chat to disinterested friends oh well.

OP, I think the truth is that your partner is unsure whether he wants a future with you.
You are not reading the room and based on your description treat him as someone exotic who does need education from your high moral grounds. This must be annoying for him. On the other hand he likes you hence inviting living together free of charge.

tbh I don’t think you are compatible based on what you said. You just don’t listen and don’t want to accept any views even remotely different from your views.