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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not sure if partner wants a future with me

121 replies

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 19:59

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, both mid thirties. He is from a part of Eastern Europe that is not friendly to the west RN. He's obviously not anti UK but some family are and maybe it affects how he expresses himself.

He has told me he loves me maybe half a dozen times, some of those prompted. He's not very expressive. He is able to instigate sex, does so whenever I look 'nice' and sometimes says he's sad we don't do it more often (currently 2x a week) but I don't feel very romanced. Whenever he instigates cuddles it's sexual.

I also don't feel appreciated. E.g., I recommend a podcast and he says 'I'm not interested'. Full stop. I know that sounds small, but applies to my political views etc. This makes me feel lonely as I can't really be myself. He says that is oversensitive.

He owns a flat and invited me to move in, doesn't expect contributions. Which is generous and I'm saving. But when I talk about buying together he shuts it down. He definitely doesn't want me to invest in the flat we're living in. He is from a poor background but it makes me feel like he doesn't see a future with me. He's told me I'm being silly when I say that.

There's nothing wrong with him in terms of cheating or other red flags. I am aware of my fertility and want children. I've only broached the issue with him after a drink or two, but he wouldnt answer because of that as he hates alcohol, and now I feel so scared of asking again.

Please slap some sense into me.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 15/08/2024 20:59

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 20:07

While I remember grievances and before others have posted. I left diamond earrings in his old flat's bathroom after my mother's funeral. Didn't go back before we moved to our current home, a month or so. He chucked them into a bin bag and they were lost. Worth a few grand and my only valuable jewellery. Is partly my fault but I think he probably should have attempted a replacement. Maybe unreasonable. He said he'd replace but never did it.

Edited

He sold them or gave them away to... someone else. Very odd

MilkyCappuchino · 15/08/2024 20:59

Marriages do happen very often between Eastern European and British and they are life long, well from what I can see around me. I don't do social surveys. May be if you think he won't commit, leave him alone.

There is always a bit of a cultural distance. With my husband we are just soul-twins. Different countries, same souls, same interests etc....Someone better suited will come eventually

MotherOfRatios · 15/08/2024 20:59

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 20:55

OK - so have some empathy, I'm working through this. I'm not going to dump my BF immediately to soothe your interest, I am looking for advice. Which I appreciate.

You seem more interested in how I might feel than your own relationship tbh.

People have posted and responded to you and you have an excuse for everything.

It sounds toxic there's options for you but instead of listening you're constantly defending every bad thing you've moaned about?

Loubelle70 · 15/08/2024 21:00

He doesn't want a future with you..maybe...only if its on his terms. You will be very unhappy ...

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 21:02

MotherOfRatios · 15/08/2024 20:59

You seem more interested in how I might feel than your own relationship tbh.

People have posted and responded to you and you have an excuse for everything.

It sounds toxic there's options for you but instead of listening you're constantly defending every bad thing you've moaned about?

I'm saying how I feel. I wouldn't ask if I wasn't interested in views, but attacks aren't super helpful.

OP posts:
MotherOfRatios · 15/08/2024 21:04

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 21:02

I'm saying how I feel. I wouldn't ask if I wasn't interested in views, but attacks aren't super helpful.

There's been no attacks other than people simply pointing out you've posted for advice and then when people are pointing out it's toxic/bad you fight it and insist you have to stay, so what was the point of posting if you don't care to take note of the advice

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 21:05

Loubelle70 · 15/08/2024 20:59

He sold them or gave them away to... someone else. Very odd

He just lost them, but didn't replace. He didnt care because not his stuff and doesnt care about jewellery. It's partly on me for sure.

OP posts:
guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 21:07

MotherOfRatios · 15/08/2024 21:04

There's been no attacks other than people simply pointing out you've posted for advice and then when people are pointing out it's toxic/bad you fight it and insist you have to stay, so what was the point of posting if you don't care to take note of the advice

Fair enough. I've heard you, please stop so I can receive a variety of views as I find your delivery a bit upsetting. All the best.
.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 15/08/2024 21:08

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 21:05

He just lost them, but didn't replace. He didnt care because not his stuff and doesnt care about jewellery. It's partly on me for sure.

Are you hearing yourself? He didnt lose them. Im outta here, youre not listening to people. Do you want people to say, nah just go for it, he seems ok. You wont hear that im afraid. You will have no intimacy with this man, no love, no togetherness... etc. believe me i know. take care. Make your own decisions...but please look at undertaking the freedom programme

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/08/2024 21:09

I mean random - like you suddenly ask in just one line
what about the earrings

well the earrings have gone

why didn't you claim for them on your insurance ?

and...

no one has attacked you !

that's why I am wondering if alcohol is clouding your judgement of the replies

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 21:11

Loubelle70 · 15/08/2024 21:08

Are you hearing yourself? He didnt lose them. Im outta here, youre not listening to people. Do you want people to say, nah just go for it, he seems ok. You wont hear that im afraid. You will have no intimacy with this man, no love, no togetherness... etc. believe me i know. take care. Make your own decisions...but please look at undertaking the freedom programme

This is nonsense. Wtf?

OP posts:
guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 21:13

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/08/2024 21:09

I mean random - like you suddenly ask in just one line
what about the earrings

well the earrings have gone

why didn't you claim for them on your insurance ?

and...

no one has attacked you !

that's why I am wondering if alcohol is clouding your judgement of the replies

The point is not about their value, which you'd understand if you weren't an AI.

OP posts:
ScrollingLeaves · 15/08/2024 21:14

I'm never going to find someone at my age, and he's not that bad. He's been through a lot and has never been terrible.

Please please don’t do this to yourself. This is not the reason to be with someone.

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 21:17

ScrollingLeaves · 15/08/2024 21:14

I'm never going to find someone at my age, and he's not that bad. He's been through a lot and has never been terrible.

Please please don’t do this to yourself. This is not the reason to be with someone.

Thank you to everyone real who has replied but I do feel that I'm getting some disingenuous replies which is quite upsetting and not what I need right now.

OP posts:
Natty13 · 15/08/2024 21:18

Staying with him and having a baby with a man who gives you 1 word answers and won't tell you he loves you without being coerced is a terrible idea. But you do you hun, the misery in your future is yours to own x

ScrollingLeaves · 15/08/2024 21:19

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 21:11

This is nonsense. Wtf?

No, it isn’t nonsense.

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 21:20

ScrollingLeaves · 15/08/2024 21:19

No, it isn’t nonsense.

Explain?

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 15/08/2024 21:21

He dumped your earrings.

He’s not committed to having a child

You are mid 30s

Dump him, or use him to get pregnant and then dump him. Claim no maintenance as he does not want a child and you do not want to be linked to him for 18+ years

ScrollingLeaves · 15/08/2024 21:22

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 21:17

Thank you to everyone real who has replied but I do feel that I'm getting some disingenuous replies which is quite upsetting and not what I need right now.

My reply was absolutely not disingenuous. I truly meant it.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/08/2024 21:22

oh dear oh dear oh dear

do you even know what AI is ?

but you know what

you stay with your boyfriend if that's what you want to do
but don't come asking for advice
then deciding it's not what you want to accept or hear

but just remember

YOU ASKED US TO SLAP SOME SENSE INTO YOU...

your words - not mine

and now i am going off to participate in Shih Tzu puppy / Jacqueline Wilson books and Surprise engagement ring threads...

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MotherOfRatios · 15/08/2024 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you trolling?

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 21:31

ScrollingLeaves · 15/08/2024 21:22

My reply was absolutely not disingenuous. I truly meant it.

Thank you - just had to look through, but appreciate it

OP posts:
guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 21:32

MotherOfRatios · 15/08/2024 21:28

Are you trolling?

I've reported you as you seem weirdly invested to say the least.

OP posts:
MotherOfRatios · 15/08/2024 21:34

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 21:32

I've reported you as you seem weirdly invested to say the least.

Its Mumsnet we're all invested in threads? You'll be glad to know I've also reported you ☺️