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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband messaging women for fantasy chat

120 replies

Sarahh1977 · 15/08/2024 16:14

I recently found out my husband of 20 years has been on a porn style site messaging women to chat about his as he calls it taboo fantasys that he can't talk about in real life , he is beyond devastated hasn't stopped crying stating that he couldn't help it became addicted to chatting to real people women and couples about like minded fantasys he did send some dick pics to some swore he has never ever cheated that it was all just online with strangers no intimate sex talk just fantasys ,we are very happily married and very much still in love he Is an amazing husband and always has been and an amazing dad to our 2 teenagers he wants to go to a Councillor he is so distraught over this and can't believe he was so stupid ,I feel betrayed and I don't know what to do I told him I don't know how I can carry on in this marriage even though we love each other so much and it is genuinely killing him that I am saying this ,any advice would be appreciated tks

OP posts:
Incakewetrust · 15/08/2024 16:16

I'd normally say LTB but as you say he's normally an amazing husband and you're both still so in love, would you consider marriage counselling?

goodgirlwannabe · 15/08/2024 16:20

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goodgirlwannabe · 15/08/2024 16:21

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Viewfrommyhouse · 15/08/2024 16:23

He's crying because you caught him and there are consequences. I'd LTB over something like this.

Myfavouriteflowers · 15/08/2024 16:23

Of course he could help it: he's an adult, presumably with self control.
If your love for your DH can get past him getting sexual satisfaction with other women online, and sending them dick pics I suppose you will forgive him.

Personally my view of him would have plummeted as soon as I knew he was using porn sites even without the disrespect of his interaction with other women. I wouldn't feel the same about him and wouldn't want to stay with him.

Cheesecakelunch · 15/08/2024 16:24

He's crying and distraught? You know that's because he got caught, not because he feels any regret.

Consider marriage counselling but you know that you will be the one to compromise and accommodate what he's done and likely to continue.

Original poster
Sarahh1977 · 15/08/2024 16:24

Tks for reply ,he wants me to do councilling with him so I can help him and understand it was never about someone else it was about people with like minded fantasys, he has always been the best husband affectionate everyday so loving sex is still great after 26 years and in our mid 40s he is just so distraught I really don't know what to do were together so long and still mad about each other but how can I get over this

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MrTiddlesTheCat · 15/08/2024 16:28

You feel betrayed because he has betrayed you. Don't fall for his crocodile tears. He's upset at being caught. Don't let him paint himself as a victim of his actions. Take your time to think about what you want to haappen next and don't let him emotionally manipulate you into doing what he wants.

Guavafish1 · 15/08/2024 16:28

I suspect there will be more than cyber sex, videos and dick pics!

If you dig deeper you’ll probably find more. Do you have a joint account? Check for cash withdrawal and money going to unusual names.

Hatty65 · 15/08/2024 16:31

I don't think I could get over it. It's seedy and revolting and a little bit pathetic.

I agree with all the others that he's crying because you caught him, not because he's devastated that he's betrayed you by sending dick pics to strangers and heavy breathing his sad little fantasies - that he cannot share with you - out to exploited women.

The suggestion that you should go to counselling so you can see that he hasn't done anything wrong would enrage me - because that, in effect, is what he's suggesting. YOU need to go to counselling to be told he's not chosen to betray you, in his opinion, even though his fantasies are 'taboo'.

Original poster
Sarahh1977 · 15/08/2024 16:34

I've went thru everything there is nothing and it looks like this was the only site he used ,I get he is crying cause he got caught he is a shell of himself since I found out and begged me not to leave him that I'm the love of his life and he was so stupid and it was fantasy chat nothing more ,I did read some of the messages and they were chat about fake made up type fantasies

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Allnewtometoo · 15/08/2024 16:35

How did you find out?

Original poster
Sarahh1977 · 15/08/2024 16:39

I'm on his phone alot he never hides it away it's always out,I was checking his Google history for something I searched before and that came up so I clicked in and saw ,he last posted 3 weeks ago and before that was ages ago

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Eviebeans · 15/08/2024 16:41

This feels really tricky to me- you say you love each other and that he’s amazing etc I have been married a similar amount of time- if it were me what I would be wondering is - how much he was thinking of me when he was sending pictures of himself to other people and sharing sexual fantasies etc

Viewfrommyhouse · 15/08/2024 16:42

Sarahh1977 · 15/08/2024 16:34

I've went thru everything there is nothing and it looks like this was the only site he used ,I get he is crying cause he got caught he is a shell of himself since I found out and begged me not to leave him that I'm the love of his life and he was so stupid and it was fantasy chat nothing more ,I did read some of the messages and they were chat about fake made up type fantasies

HE SENT DICK PICS. Does it not turn your stomach that your dh would do that?

Original poster
Sarahh1977 · 15/08/2024 16:45

I think I'm in a bit of a denial at mo cause im so shocked , he said sometimes when he was doing it he would sit in his car and cry because he hated himself for doing it but it became a bit addictive and he wouldn't want to hurt me for the world

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Viewfrommyhouse · 15/08/2024 16:47

OK. Go to counselling. Be told its partly down to you because you don't understand him. Stay with him, and wait for him to do it again.

Eviebeans · 15/08/2024 16:48

I’m not sure I could get that vision out of my mind

Original poster
Sarahh1977 · 15/08/2024 16:50

He isn't putting any sort of blame on me he said he wanted to say it so many times but he was terrified I would think any less of him

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poppymango · 15/08/2024 16:58

"Taboo fantasies"

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Getonwitit · 15/08/2024 17:05

Christ he is making all this about him isn't he, what a manipulative bastard. No concern for what this has done to you. Bring on the tears and she wont throw me out !

Biggaybear · 15/08/2024 17:08

Are the fantasies something you could get on board with ? Has he talked to you about them before ? Is it a complete No No for you ?

Just wondering if there is any way you can salvage this. Sounds like you still love him & want to make it work. Maybe consider the counselling and see if you can work through it.

In no way I am saying what he did was acceptable but he didnt physically cheat. Just depends if he's crossed that boundary for you.

AgnesX · 15/08/2024 17:09

Do you think counselling will help and do you think you can get past it.

PS never mind what other people think, it's your decision.

chimichangaz · 15/08/2024 17:11

poppymango · 15/08/2024 16:58

"Taboo fantasies"

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

This.

Aside from everything else, if you're considering counselling what are these fantasies??

Original poster
Sarahh1977 · 15/08/2024 17:12

Thanks for not just saying leave as I feel like I haven't a clue what I want to do well I don't want my marriage to end its so good apart from this but can I get over it and move on he is adamant he wants counselling as he wants to understand himself why he did it ,he did mention a few years ago little things he was thinking and I wasn't receptive so he was afraid I would think bad of him so didn't say anymore

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