Husband messaging women for fantasy chat

[Sarahh1977]

I recently found out my husband of 20 years has been on a porn style site messaging women to chat about his as he calls it taboo fantasys that he can't talk about in real life , he is beyond devastated hasn't stopped crying stating that he couldn't help it became addicted to chatting to real people women and couples about like minded fantasys he did send some dick pics to some swore he has never ever cheated that it was all just online with strangers no intimate sex talk just fantasys ,we are very happily married and very much still in love he Is an amazing husband and always has been and an amazing dad to our 2 teenagers he wants to go to a Councillor he is so distraught over this and can't believe he was so stupid ,I feel betrayed and I don't know what to do I told him I don't know how I can carry on in this marriage even though we love each other so much and it is genuinely killing him that I am saying this ,any advice would be appreciated tks

I expect he's crying because he's worried about everyone he knows finding out his marriage is over because he was messing around with other people. If you hadn't caught him where would it have ended? Why didn't he seek counselling before if he was so upset by his 'addiction'? Who knows how far it went and for him to get addicted to it he must have been doing loads of it, whatever 'it' is.

Lots of people have all sorts of fantasies, they don't have to be discussing them with others or sending pictures of their genitals to others because of them, they can literally just fantasise. He's an entitled man who lies and cheats, you wren't up for joining in with his fantasies so he's gone looking for others to act them out with - because he thought he was entitled to do that. It's grim OP and how could you ever trust him or have sex with him again? I know it's a really long relationship and by all means try counselling but honestly do you really think you can move past this and see him in the same way again?

Amazing husbands don't ever send dick pics to other people, it's a very easy thing to avoid doing. Have you ever considered sending pictures of your genitals to anyone? No of course not. I'm really sorry he's done this to you, you deserve a million times better.

Hes sent dick pics, thats real life. Why should a man whos been sneaky and shared intimate fantasies with other women online (beyond creepy and cringe) then be rewarded with her joing in with it?

You are now aware he has acted out his 'taboo fantasies (what a very modern description for pervert activity), with like minded strangers in your home. You'll stay with him, but his secret sleaze will always be a shadow in your relationship. Feel for you.

It's ironic don't you think,that a very well know presenter is in court for similar fantasies and he was outed and booted by his wife immediately, because she had been living a lie, there is something in that you know.

Didn’t think we knew what the fantasies are? Apologies if I’ve missed an update from the OP. The definition of ‘Taboo’ is a debatable and sliding scale, one person’s ‘taboo’ might be pretty ordinary to somebody else and not ‘perverted’. They might class as ‘taboo’ to be what might be regarded as a fairly vanilla sexual activity by others. It might be something legal that they regard as taboo because they wouldn’t take part in it.
‘Taboo’ to me, means stuff you can’t generally discuss without raising eyebrows, maybe swinging or S and M stuff which is not illegal but you don’t hear it generally discussed at normal social gatherings. To somebody else it might mean something entirely different. Some people think watching vanilla types of porn is taboo for them. Others are ok with it. Everyone’s boundaries and tolerances are different.
” Perverted” to me, usually refers to stuff that for very good reason is illegal. I didn’t think that the OP had updated as to what she means by ‘taboo’. Until then it’s not fair to assume.
Providing the content of it is legal and consensual, then the worst stuff for me is the possible porn addiction, plus his hiding, lying, sneaking behind OP’s back and above all interacting sexually without her consent with other women.

How are you doing @Sarahh1977 ?

That makes no sense. You don't hear any sexual stuff in social gatherings. Oh yeah "Sally loves giving me a blow job in the car on the way to work" 🙄🙄🙄

@Poddledoddle I go to social gatherings with friends who are ok discussing sex. 🤷🏼‍♀️
They are fine discussing sex in general, of course nobody makes a personal crass observation such as the one you mentioned which is why I didn’t think it needed explaining.
However I’ve also socialised with my best friend I’ve known for over 50 years where we’re both ok discussing personal stuff about sex. I’ve been to social gatherings where people I don’t know that well might start discussing sex in general if a topic from the news enters the conversation, sometimes people tell a joke about a situation or celebrity which leads to a discussion about what happened. Game of Thrones was a topic of conversation once and how appropriate/ inappropriate the content was given the age of some viewers was discussed. Nothing nonsensical about that.
There’s also, however, sexual stuff on the news that people would be uncomfortable discussing in a social situation because of the nature of the content.
To imply that people never discuss sex in general in a social situation is what doesn’t make sense to me.

Thanks so much for all the replys I couldn't get back into my account,we had our 1st counselling session a few days ago and it went OK he has a lot to unpack from his past that has come up we have spent the last week talking alot ,I believe he never met up with anyone it was all online he wanted real people to write back and talk to him about stuff he felt like he couldn't speak about in real life

Don’t make any hasty decisions. Ime processing every takes time, give yourself time and don’t be rushed.

@Sarahh1977 exactly the same month as you I found out something very similar about my husband. I could have written what you wrote. He is the best husband and father and I was so unbelievably shocked. He is in therapy and we have had some sessions together. It's really interesting as I was literally the sort of person to say leave, but actually when you listen to someone qualified unpick the behaviour and why it happens it changes your perspective completely. My husband has looked up his behaviour, including the lack of empathy he had etc but it all stemmed from a "not real" approach even though they are real people. I would be interested to know how you are getting on? I have days when I can understand it and days when I just don't see how he can have two lives running alongside each other.
in the time he had this secret catfish style life online he never changed to me at all! But the therapist is of the view that is because his love for me never changed and the behaviour although on the surface appears sexual is actual a need stemming from his inner child and seeking validation in unhealthy ways.

How taboo are the fantasies? If he 'needs' this then he is highly likely to go back to it imo. Counselling is an option ofc but it depends on if you are sexually compatible. I'd struggle if I'd been with someone that long and they'd kept some sexual needs entirely separate from me. I don't think I could get past it, I don't think I'd want to honestly. You deserve someone who you are enough for

@Exhausted1989 hi ,things are good we went to counselling that helped him figure out stuff from his childhood that he never spoke about before ,I still think about it most days just trying to get to the stage were I don't, same as u he never changed towards me while he was doing what he was doing we have talked alot and talked thru it all alot ,were at the stage were I just want to forget it and move on its not easy but after 25yrs and 1 blip I didn't want to throw it all away ,he was devastated by it all and I know he was being sincere..how are u doing x

@Sarahh1977 the same, he has done lots of therapy alone, exploring his childhood. My husbands is slightly different that it's not anything unusual in terms of fantasy but the need to feel wanted and desired- despite the fact we have a very active sex life and all the things you have said about a great husband etc he is the same, before all this people always said to us they looked up to our relationship. In every other way he is respectful , kind thoughtful helpful everything, but for 18 months he's had this secret life - he uses a photo of his face but the rest was a lie the kids he had his name etc was all made up stories to these people. It's so bizarre but therapy is definitely helping me too. I am at the point though where I think when will I not think it every day- I doubt my happiness and that's probably what Lead me to look on mums net last night. I just had the most wonderful life and I want to feel that again whilst feeling reassured it will never happen again.

@Exhausted1989 yeah I know exactly how u feel ,I hope that because its still early days like 4 months that I can totally move on and the thoughts will be alot less active in my brain but I suppose only time will tell ,he is making such an effort to reassure me it was never about anyone else and that he would never have met up with anyone that it was all just shite talk ,so it's up to me to believe that so I can move on

So horrible for you OP. What are the fantasies? You will have to live with them in your head from now on, so how taboo are they that he couldn't share them with you and how do you actually feel about it when you aren't focusing on him?

How are you taking care of yourself and do you have someone to talk to?

This.

Yup same as mine! And my therapist said she would put her 20 odd years experience on it that he hasn't met them, as for him and the cause for him doing it, it is deep rooted insecurities and low worth, she said meeting them would mean "they see him" it would ruin this ego he had given himself and he was lying about his identity etc too. But he's the same, he is adamant he doesn't want anything different from our lives, our sex life nothing, he still calls it perfect and that the issue was how he viewed himself which he completely disassociated from our relationship etc and then it just became something he did.
I swear it is always men that are messed up like this though! It had led me to want to research more and explore things like masculinity concepts.