Husband messaging women for fantasy chat

[Sarahh1977]

I recently found out my husband of 20 years has been on a porn style site messaging women to chat about his as he calls it taboo fantasys that he can't talk about in real life , he is beyond devastated hasn't stopped crying stating that he couldn't help it became addicted to chatting to real people women and couples about like minded fantasys he did send some dick pics to some swore he has never ever cheated that it was all just online with strangers no intimate sex talk just fantasys ,we are very happily married and very much still in love he Is an amazing husband and always has been and an amazing dad to our 2 teenagers he wants to go to a Councillor he is so distraught over this and can't believe he was so stupid ,I feel betrayed and I don't know what to do I told him I don't know how I can carry on in this marriage even though we love each other so much and it is genuinely killing him that I am saying this ,any advice would be appreciated tks

He’ll start again once the shock wears off. If his ‘unmet need’ stays unmet in your relationship, his itch will come back.

In fact, he’s gone and given himself another itch to scratch now, because he’ll have gotten addicted to the illicit thrill of sneaking around behind your back.

As an aside, is it normal to send dick pics to cam girls, or whoever the lucky recipient was? I very much doubt she wanted one. She’d receive dozens of them. I’m imagining her rolling her eyes as a picture of your husband’s nob (probably with your bathroom tiles as a lovely backdrop 🙄) landed in her inbox.

It’s all just so grubby and embarrassing. I’d never be able to look at him with the slightest respect ever again. I’d just be seeing him with his trousers and pants down, taking a photo of his dick and imagining some random woman being overcome with lust. Jesus.

Incidentally, what on earth is this fantasy that’s so taboo? ‘Taboo’ is a massive red flag to me. Threesomes, anal,BDSM etc are hardly taboo, are they? So what’s he into that dare not speak its name? 🤢

I'm confused about who he was speaking to - was it sex workers he was paying for online sex chat, or was it women and couples he met on a swingers website who consensually enjoyed the chat?

I think I would find it hard to forgive the former because of the exploitation aspect, whereas at least if the people he was fantasising with/too were not pros they were fully consenting to be in that position.....

It is certainly a form of betrayal, but not the worst, IF it is all he has done.

In terms of whether or not you can move on from it - how is he going to quit? Where will his desire to share these fantasies go now?

If something is an important part of somebody's sexual make-up, it can be hard to entirely let it go. Maybe he can just fantasise about it and that will be enough..... But he needs to be realistic about this, rather than just blandly promising never to do it again.....

It also depends what you feel about the content of the fantasies - is it so disgusting to you that you can never find him attractive again? Because that would be a problem......

Sorry you are going through this!

Oh come on, hes been caught red handed. Of course hes crying his eyes out. He’s embarrassed and now thinking shit what will you do with the relationship. I mean sending dick pics and chatting about fantasies to complete strangers???? No for me, i wouldn’t trust him again.

I find Mumsnet really odd on this sort of thing. Assuming he genuinely hasn't done anything IRL with anyone, I would view this more as a way to feel turned on, a space to expiate taboo fantasies as you've said. What if you decided to see what it's like with him? to ask him about what he feels he wants more of, and to think what you also want, and consider how to reshape your shared erotic life. 20 years of loving marriage is a big deal. Seeking titillation on a screen really isn't.

He's so upset and so devastated at what he's done, so why didn't he get help for himself ages ago? I'm sorry, op, but your husband is just a garden variety shitbag.

All of those tears are for himself, he's just hoping that if he sheds enough of them you'll take responsibility for his actions and feel obligated to stay with him and "help" him. Sadly, I see it's working. Frankly, I don't think you really know this man at all.

You don’t think your husband sending photos of his cock to other people online is a big deal ??

I find Mumsnet really odd on this sort of thing.

I know, men aren't like this at all in reverse circumstances!

They're all totally chilled with their wives & girlfriends sex chatting with other men and couples behind their back, (no doubt masturbating while doing so), and sending other men images of their genitals.

No problem with it at all.

Just "hope that dude enjoyed that pic of your pussy, what are we making for dinner?".

Women on Mumsnet, eh.
Really odd.

Yep

The devastation - check.
The "addiction" - check
The "we need counselling" - check.
The "you can help me" - check.

It's a script.

He's doing a lot of crying and acting the victim when you should be crying and are the actual victim.

If you look like you might leave at any point - the suicide suggestions will come next.

Anyway you don't need to be in on any counselling. He needs to work things out for himself, on his own. You've not been caught cyber cheating for yonks, so you don't need to counselling or to be in on the counselling. He's an adult, he's responsible for himself.

He's big and bad enough to sex chat behind his wife's back for ages, and big and bad enough to take pics of his dick and send it to people outside his marriage.... So I'm sure he's big and bad enough to go and discuss his behaviour with a counsellor without his wifey there to hold his hand.

I usually slam cheaters on here, but I'd be inclined to forgive for this.

It sounds like all that happened is he said a few naughty things to random nobodies and sent a few pics for a bit of a curiosity kink.

These are not 'real' women (no emotions), no repeat, no names... literally just a quick ego/fantasy boost.

I think you said a few weeks ago and then many months before this. I think he was serious with the tears, this was a one-off mistake.

Well, I don’t like dick pics generally so I’d be a bit unimpressed for sure, but I’d moreso be curious about what’s going on for him. Why is his sexual energy going in that direction? Assuming you both were happy and wanting the relationship prior to this reveal, to me it’s more an issue of ‘ok things have gone a bit wrong here, what’s happening for you, what aren’t you getting, what do we need to change’ - not permitting him things but discussing and making some mutual decisions about sex and titillation and boundaries etc. so to be clear, I would be weirded out by this situation, but I would begin by asking and listening, not shaming and rejecting.

I guess it partly depends on the stuff he was fantasising about. Is it stuff you'd find a real turn off? Or is it a surprise he hasn't been able to chat about that stuff with you or do it?
As long as it's nothing illegal he's into, I'd say counselling would probably be a good idea.
If he vows to stop interacting on that site, then you can try and go from there with professional guidance? Some people see something like this as a deal breaker, some think looking at dirty pictures in a porn mag is, it really depends on your boundaries.
Make those clear in the sessions as it sounds like you would rather try and save your marriage.

This is so unfair OP. He's a rotten husband not an amazing one. Amazing people don't betray their wife and family for cheap thrills. If it was me I'd whizz him out the window quicker than you can say Jack Robinson. He needs counselling for himself. You don't need it. You're not the problem.

he wants me to do councilling with him so I can help him

Er, why is it your job to help him?

You've got quite enough on your plate with processing what he has done and helping yourself. He can fuck off, surely?

And, yes, the tears are shame and embarrassment that he was caught. How many tears do you think he shed when he was wanking off over these fantasy chats?

Of course he could control himself. He didn't need to start doing it in the first place. He did it because he wanted to and he carried on doing it because he wanted to.

I love my partner but, if I found out he was doing this, he'd be gone. And yes, I know I'd do this because I ended my marriage over less.

No, you don't.

And your advice is generally terrible.

You're very exceptional being a man on here who persists in staying and posting for months, if not years...... I always wonder what you get out of it.

I keep getting YouTube suggestions for clips from the film "The Other Woman", particularly the scene when the wife & mistresses confront him; it's only a few minutes long and yet he manages to get in "it's an addiction!" and "I need help, I can change, you (to his wife) can help me!".

He's reading from the time old script, so clichéd it's in Hollywood movies.

I'd personally find it difficult to get over this. Every time we had sex I'd be wondering if he was thinking about one of the women on the site. That being said, I once found some search history to images of breasts on my then partner's history and got past it. A tough one.

I couldn’t get too upset about this. Saves you the bother of niche sexual fantasy engagement.
I know I’m unusual in this stance though 😂

So sorry you're going through this op. You've some good advice I see already so I'm going to add somethings to explore. For now just try to keep yourself safe whatever you need be that he leaves/sleeps somewhere else whatever you need look after yourself.

Support for you
Love after porn on reddit is a great group you can find wonderful support from women going through all the same things.
Human navigating betrayal on facebook
Helping couples heal group on facebook

Helping couples heal podcast
Pbse podcast
Choose to be podcast
Omar minwhallas secret sexual basement and integrity abuse
The laurel centre
The naked truth project
You will need a betrayal trauma therapist not any therapist will understand this.

For your partner
He needs a csat/apsat no other therapist will understand.
12 step can only take them so far he needs to do a integrity recovery.
Pbse podcast
Your brain on porn book/ website
We recommend a full 130 days no porn masturbation sex social media TV detox
Omar minwhalla secret sexual basement and integrity abuse.

he is adamant he wants counselling as he wants to understand himself why he did it ,he did mention a few years ago little things he was thinking and I wasn't receptive so he was afraid I would think bad of him so didn't say anymore

But you understand that it's very easy for him to say all that, right? He doesn't want you to leave him, so he will say what you want to hear, and lay it on thick to make you feel sorry for him.

You'd be fine with your husband sending photos of he is penis to other people?

If you’re hiding what you’re up to with another person, physical or otherwise, it’s cheating.

Your bar is so low is dragging on the ground. He'd be kicked out so fast he wouldn't know what the fuck had hit him 😡

Honestly? I wouldn’t be too bothered.
I’d rather him tell me first but it wouldn’t be the end of the relationship.
If he was emotional close with another woman, that would be different.

I feel so sorry for you OP. Honestly, if that were me, any love or attraction I had towards him would vanish. You just have to ask yourself whether you can love him and look at him the same way. I couldn't. But we're not all the same. And if you decide to leave him, you'll be okay. Keep your head up!

I am in Avery similar situation to you, together same time, kids, amazing marriage. People saying leave are not people who have been here. It is not that cut and dry.
Ive had some amazing advice from a counsellor. What you have is worth more. Boundaries need to be set. And a consequence for if they are crossed again. You can move forward from this if you actually both want to. Counselling is a good start. He is not the victim in this, don't let him play it. But reassure him that you want to move forward, and hopefully open honest communication can help that happen.