Husband messaging women for fantasy chat

[Sarahh1977]

I recently found out my husband of 20 years has been on a porn style site messaging women to chat about his as he calls it taboo fantasys that he can't talk about in real life , he is beyond devastated hasn't stopped crying stating that he couldn't help it became addicted to chatting to real people women and couples about like minded fantasys he did send some dick pics to some swore he has never ever cheated that it was all just online with strangers no intimate sex talk just fantasys ,we are very happily married and very much still in love he Is an amazing husband and always has been and an amazing dad to our 2 teenagers he wants to go to a Councillor he is so distraught over this and can't believe he was so stupid ,I feel betrayed and I don't know what to do I told him I don't know how I can carry on in this marriage even though we love each other so much and it is genuinely killing him that I am saying this ,any advice would be appreciated tks

I've been in this exact position. I'm saying leave the bastard, as he's addicted to the secret thrill and he can't give it up.

I first discovered his online dick pics, videos and conversations in 2016 to men and women. YuVuTu, chaturbate, fabswingers. It was all there to easily find.

Not wanting to throw away 16 years of marriage, we patched things up and things were as good as they'd been in the early days. I worked so hard to trust him again. He was extremely remorseful and understood the depth of my pain.

Guess what I found evidence of again in 2018? Again, I put in all the hard work trying to forgive and move on. He put in less work this time round.

When I found his secret online life again in 2020, I was done trying.

All the counselling in the world makes little difference if he's unwilling to stop. XH knew all the right things to say to the counsellor, but he couldn't get past the thrill it gave him. Plus I hated being his guardian. I didn't want to have to check the porn blocker app he put on his laptop or phone. Or work out how he could navigate round it. Boundaries are all very well, but should a wife have the responsibility of being the accountability partner for all this sludge they're covered in?

Leave him. It's very very unlikely to stop.

He sent dick pics to people - he did cheat on you.

Couldn't say better myself. To the OP He is not sorry for his actions as he is JUSTIFYING himself and you are making up excuses for him. He knew what he was doing would compromise marriage and trust but his porn addiction got priority.

That's an outlet for him

If he is not hiding it and it's not that often he does it and you love him then try and see past it, I know it seems like a betrayal and talking to other women may seem like cheating but he hasn't physically cheated, some have said he cried because he got caught, but that's not true, he could honestly feel aot of remorse towards how much he has hurt you, sometimes things do become an addiction and people say to themselves no more and then do, he may be greatful that it's now in the open and he can get help, I think going to ome of his counselling sessions will help you a lot, if you hear about how this could be an addiction then you may feel differently about it all and find it easier to put it behind you.

Sharing sexual fantasies with women other than you is a no-no. He should be sharing his fantasies with you. Sending dick pics is even worse. He needs help.

I wouldn't stick around with him.

Have you thought of getting involved in his fantasy play? Understanding what and how? Rather than making it so taboo? You said you're still so in love, so got to be worth investigating? Or the counselling of course?

You don't have to do a damn thing until the shock has worn off. Take your time and don't be railroaded into doing therapy or whatever to make him feel better.

Maybe you need some time and space from him to work out what YOU want next xx

Not going to lie he doesn't sound like an amazing husband. And he's only distraught and wants to see a counsellor now he's been caught.

he promised on alot that that's the case which I know he wouldn't do otherwise

But wouldn't you have said "you know" he isn't on dirty websites sending dick pics and chatting up other women? Also what are his taboo fantasies he can only share with strangers if you have such great sex?

It doesn't sound like the end of a marriage. It's a bump along the way. Many people have fantasys, some act them out with their partner, some find sites on-line. I would try and work my way through this, whether thru counseling or just giving it time to heal your disappointment.

Hey, I hope your OK I'm assuming by posting you were completely unaware of this side of your husband and it's been quite a shock. I appreciate your asking for advice. My advice would be why are you asking for advice? Are you seeking validation that despite what he's done yous will be ok? Unfortunately it's really down to you and your boundaries. There's no such thing as "normal". Just situations that your either ok with or your not. If you can forgive and forget and think of all the positives in your relationship that you have mentioned and you feel you can get past this then that is your choice. If you feel hurt, disrespected and unable to trust him again, see him in the same light as before and it plays on your mind then that's a boundary for you and it's very hard to get comfortable and back on track when a personal boundary that's been crossed.

You say "no intimate sex talk" and yet he sent dick pics ..... ???? I agree with others that his remorse is all about being caught out. And sooner or later, he WILL do this or similar again. I just can't get what put the idea into his head in the first place. If you're the love of his life and he can't bear the thought of losing you, what the hell sent him down this path? And what other "fantasies" does he have? I can't see how you come back from it I'm afraid. If you are shocked at finding this out, you don't really know him at all. And is this the only time it's happened, or the only time he's been caught??

he did mention a few years ago little things he was thinking and I wasn't receptive so he was afraid I would think bad of him so didn't say anymore

when you go to counselling this will become your fault, he had to look elsewhere because you couldn’t/wouldn’t engage with whatever his fantasy is. He will be looking to shift the responsibility for his actions away from himself.

by all means try some therapy to get past this but odds are he still has those desires, he will just learn not to get caught again while giving in to them.

Just want to say you don’t have to decide right now so don’t panic on that front.
You might decide you want to try and get past it given everything you’ve said about how your marriage is otherwise. That wouldn’t mean that you can’t at some future point decide that actually no, you can’t get past it if that is how you feel. And don’t let him make you feel like that. He’s upset because you found out - how was his behaviour before that?

I don't think he's crying because he got caught I think he's crying becsuse he knows he will be "less" in your eyes. Loads of people have fantasies that they might not want to share that they will never fufil or even attemp to fufil. If it was 3 weeks ago and then ages before that it's hardly a addiction. Why would you throw away a happy marriage and all that goes with that? If we were all able to read each other's thoughts it would be terrifying, we can't ever know anyone completely. Go to councilling if you need to. I know I am going against the general opinion on MN. Sorry bout that but many of the DHs threads I read are much more troubling. Good luck.

I've been with my DP 20 years and if he was doing this I would leave him. Also what are the fantasies exactly? I would be very interested in knowing what was so good he was willing to throw away 20years and a family?!? 🤦🏻‍♀️

Hmmm really ? . I wonder how he would feel if his wife was sending nudes to other men ? Also how would he feel if he found messages of her engaging is sexual talk with other people ?. Yes it is a big deal .

You're conflating 'big deal' and 'orientation towards the big deal'. I agree it's a big deal. I didn't say it wasn't. Something can be a big deal and provoke a different set of questions and answers.

He is not an amazing husband. Amazing husbands don't send dick pics to other women or discuss their "taboo" fantasies with them.

He's not an amazing dad either. Amazing dads don't treat the mothers of their kids like shit.

I couldn't come back from this. He is just a disgusting grubby little twat. You can do better than this.

I think you need to go to counselling to explore why he felt he couldn't explore these fantasies with you. I wouldn't completely turn your back on the relationship if you still love each other. Things like this can be turned around with help and after the dust settles from the initial shock. Of course it might mean he has destroyed your trust, but you need to explore whether the relationship is worth salvaging.