What would you do?

[Airyfairy1985]

I'm in a bit of a tricky dating scenario, I met this guy OLD a few weeks ago and in a short space of time we've hung out a lot and both admitted we've formed a really great connection.

We've been in touch a lot, but in the last week his phone has stopped receiving any messages and I've also noticed he's not posted anything on social media (i'm not on social media but he showed me his profile which is public). I've not been checking in a stalkerish way more than he's completely vanished and I was confused and concerned as to what's happened to him.

The only conclusion I can come to is that he's lost/broken his phone and has lost his contacts, he has to have a phone for work and to contact his kids so this is nothing to do with me, I'm also not blocked on whatsapp or anything like that so it seems like this is the likely scenario.

I guess I'm thinking I could just leave it to fate and assume I will never hear from him again, but if he has lost all numbers he won't be able to contact me in any other way, the only thing I could do is email him at this work address but I can't decide if that is total pyschopath behaviour, although due to his work, his email is easily available by a simple Google search.

What would you do?

I can understand why you’d want to know definitively op. I think I would email tbh

Smart idea.

Thanks everyone, I'm quite pleased I've stopped myself from doing something silly and that I'd regret.
Tbh there's more about him I could share here that I won't for discretion but so much about him doesn't add up. For example he told me he is currently off work for a year and focusing on writing but I've found out the thing he told me he was writing, he already published years ago, so it's white lies like that and probably many more.
Unfortunately yes I've been ghosted but I guess my takeaway from the whole thing is that he's just ghosted everyone and chosen to disappear.
Maybe one day he will come back like others said but either way it's ok, I do think this is relating to family commitments, again, that he wasn't honest about. Not the guy for me.

Sounds messy. It's a pain when someone hooks us in but sometimes part of that appeal is the precarious nature of it, rather than the person themselves once you get to know them in the light of day.

Well, he has family, kids and some sort of work so I don't think you need worry about him not being missed by anyone else.

If you know him to be less than honest re publication definitely move on and don't look back (although update if you get an explanation!). Little porkies and obfuscations tend to add up.

Sounds like you dodged a bullet and this guy presented himself as someone he was not. Sounds almost like a thriller or a modern Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde 😂

What made you realise you were ghosted though @Airyfairy1985

Just drop him an email, if he doesn’t respond, you’ll have your answer

Actually you can’t see someone’s picture on WhatsApp if you are blocked, but it’s not always automatically removed. What you have to do is click on their profile picture to make it full size, and then if you’re blocked the picture will disappear and not show from that point on

You’re a caring person, you had a connection, and none of this follows the normal pattern of being ghosted. I don’t think the prison call was a red herring either. Honestly people are so mean and self seeking and cynical on Mumsnet. Do whatever you have to do to show your care for him and to find out for yourself what has happened. I would!

No indication he has a family either, like you said his Facebook was old and he doesn’t even use it! So many conclusions jumped to on here

I would email or call his work making it clear it’s a welfare check. What if he’s lying dead in his flat!

I originally thought like most that it is just a ghosting but thinking about it I have known some cases where dramatic things happened. A guy at work lived alone and fell down his stairs and broke his neck -he died and - wasn’t found for several days as he worked mostly from home and wasn’t until he didn’t turn up for several meetings that anyone thought to check.
I live alone and have steep stairs and always hold the hand rail (I am not all a cautious person in other ways but am mindful of this…)
When I put stuff up in the loft (precarious loft ladder at the top of the stairs I always leave the front door open, so a nosey neighbour would investigate if it remained open 😁.
Am retiring at the end of this term so will have no employer to check up…
In the case of the work colleague, if he had been dating someone and not contacted them they would have assumed ghosting.
I now think for the OP the ‘call him at work’ anonymously idea is the best.

(and any of us who are now so invested would do it for her😂)

Do not contact him through his work. If this was a man he'd be accused of stalking.

You aren't a long term girlfriend, you wouldn't be on any of his contacts for emergency they wouldn't talk to you or pass any information on to you about him. It's weird and creepy to pretend its a welfare check.

If someone contacted me via my work email or called my work asking about me I'd be really worried. It's borderline harassing.

I have a friend who died at home, his company contacted his parents (who were listed as an emergency contact) when he didn't show up, they then contacted the police. If you're that worried contact the police.

It doesn't matter if you've shagged, GDPR doesn't care about the fact you shared a bed, companies will only deal with the police or those listed as emergency contacts. Even my ex can't speak to my work (and technically we're still married) because only my parents and sister are listed as an emergency contact.

OP, I am SO proud of you for not sending that email.

It is only natural for this experience to go round your mind. It's unfinished business.

Many of us have been there. I once convinced myself a person I was dating was a drug dealer because he did similar to yours. With the passage of time, I can see he just wasn't all that bothered about getting tied up in my life. In retrospect, WTF would I have allowed a drug dealer in my life? I can see it was my mind questioning what he'd done. In fact he did eventually call, a year later, upset at how he had ended things & asking for friendship.

I've also been on the other end. Not prison, but one guy I was dating accused me of working for Secret Services because I work very flexibly (post Covid arrangements) and can work from anywhere (I work mostly online). So I can see how the prison conclusion has been reached - unless, of course he's told you he has done some dodgy stuff, in which case, who wants someone like that in their lives? My gran used to say: surround yourself by people smarter & better than you. Strive for better.

He could also be an academic. Summer off for writing, wanting to be alone to do that. It can be like prison 🤣 it would also fit having already written (prob a thesis or academic articles & this would be normal).. Another thought is that he could be in a psychiatric ward.

Whatever it is, it's natural to want closure & it will close itself in time, we are too invested! Don't be swayed by posters.

DO NOT SEND ANY EMAILS or communicate in any way. He's not interested. Move forwards, keep busy, and divert your energies.

Come bank to this thread for support in staying away.

Thanks everyone, well what we know is, I'm not blocked on WhatsApp, I'm not blocked on his phone, he hasn't posted any social media updates in 3 weeks, as I said I know as I can check this from a work account where we're not connected and his profile is public facing..also on Facebook he hasn't added any new friends, my request still pending, Facebook messenger still not delivered.
I agree if we were further along and actually in a relationship I feel it would be slightly more appropriate to attempt to make contact but in the circumstances it's not. There are plenty of people around him locally that if something bad has happened they should know and find him.
I will see our mutual friend over the next few weeks and I will definitely ask, and I imagine they will mention it to me too as it would be weird not to, so I MIGHT get some answers then.
I think he may have had a mental episode, he was very up and down with his mental health when we met so this would be a perfectly reasonable explanation.
No one chooses to go completely off the radar unless something like this has happened.
I just hope he's ok and I hope one day I do get so see/speak to him again, but my life will not be put on hold until that happens.

You were in a sexual relationship and texted and video called daily, it was the beginning of something. Personally I WOULD call his work- whoever said it would be “pretending” it’s a welfare check- what is wrong with you? If I cared about someone enough to sleep with them, I’d definitely care about whether they were safe! This is not ghosting, if all the signs of ghosting were there I’d leave the guy be.

A few weeks is not a serious relationship. No company would divulge any information to her or take her seriously. She doesn't know if he's not turned up to work. If someone I'd been seeing for a few weeks suddenly contacted my work (she'd have to go through switchboard and HR) saying they were concerned about my welfare I'd be furious (after being completely freaked out) and would seriously block her.

If she's that concerned she should go to the police, not contact his employer.

It's bordering on stalking and you and others are seriously encouraging her to do it.

Jesus I can contact the guy who ghosted me through his work email but I won't because it's seriously creepy.

Just to clarify something re the work situation..again being discreet. You can Google his name, easily, and see all of his contact information online including his personal email address. Yes, he hasn't given this to me but I know a lot about his work from what he told me and was very open about. The only thing I have considered is dropping an email to his personal email address but only because it is easily found online. I'm trying to flip it round and think if he did the same to me what I would think, I guess we would all react differently but I don't think I would be massively freaked out if a guy I supposedly really liked tried to contact me. BUT like I said, I'm not planning on doing anything, it's just a thought process.

I wouldn't contact his personal email address which he hasn't given you. Why, at this stage? If he has access to that he has access to Facebook and his phone, surely. Plus he's on Facebook as 'in a relationship '.

The only reason I would be following up woukd be concern.

If you're concerned about his safety and this is about a welfare check ring the non emergency police (classic MN) or his work, explain why, saying you know its early in your acquaintance, you're not seeking any info, you'd just like someone to follow up and if possible confirm he's alive and well. It's not about being stalky or not if you're concerned. If it's about your closure, I really think it's time to drop it.

To make clear, if you're thinking of emailing, and he has people around him, it sounds like it's about your closure. I would only follow this man up if there was a welfare aspect.

I'm not going to do anything, I'm boring myself with it all now. I just wish the dating apps weren't so goddamn depressing 😭
If I ever find out what happend to him, check back here for updates as I'll let you all know!

Yes please, we’re all invested now, this has turned into a thriller 🤣

There is a Facebook group called something like -are we dating the same guy essex’ etc (different locations) where people post anonymous with initials eg XY 35 Loughton, and several people then pipe up knowing he is married etc. could try that. (or do the same on here -no actual identifying features unless the person is recognised and then can message privately.

Hi guys just wanted to give those who were invested a discreet update...Turns out it was him contacting me from prison, he's fine and will be out in 2 week. He asked a member of his family to contact me as he knew I'd be worried. I'm added to his contact list now so should speak to him soon. Sounds messy I know but I will sound him out and hear his side of the story 🙏