Dd and Dp clashing and making ds upset

[SaveTheWeek]

Tonight our dd, who is 13 was messing around acting silly. It was time for bed but she wouldn't calm down and as she shares a room with ds, who is 8, we asked if she could be quiet and not wake him. She decided she would stomp up the stairs and be very loud. Giggling and singing. Both me and dp asked her to please be quiet. She didn't listen.
I heard ds get up not long after and he came to tell me dd was listening to music on her phone and he couldn't sleep. Dp went to tell dd to turn the phone off and she kicked him. I'm not sure if it was on purpose or not. Dp then says she's not allowed her phone. Everything calmed down and ds went back to bed.
I asked dp to apologize to dd but when he did dd wasn't happy and told him to F off. This woke up ds again. I sat comforting ds as they both argued at each other.
I asked them both to leave it but they were both ignoring me. Ds was getting upset.

Eventually, they both stopped arguing but I'm left feeling annoyed. I'm annoyed ds was disturbed so much. I'm annoyed at dd for her behavior and I'm annoyed at dp for basically acting like a second teenager.

Me and ds are just stuck in the middle all the time and I don't know what to do to make things better for us all.

It can be done v. cheaply. We don’t know OP’s situation. But even those on the lowest incomes are forced to move often due to the insecurity of rental properties and they manage it.

Oh! That’s sorted then! OP! Get a tent! Why she hadn’t thought of this before I don’t know!
Honestly, you’re embarrassing yourself. Multiple posters are making that clear to you. I’m pretty sure if OP was in a position to move, that would have been done.

1. Everyone was already going to sleep
2. Your DD knew full well her dad had nothing to apologise for which is why she took his apology as a sign of weakness and therefore felt brazen enough to tell him to fuck off and kick off again; she knew she had the upper hand and you gave it to her

But you are not stuck in the middle are you. You are the one who made the situation worse and are probably causing your DD to behave bad.
You said everything had calmed down but then you made DP go and apologise even though it was your DD in the wrong. This then kicked it all off again. So YOU made the situation worse, for it to kick off again, undermined your DP and gave your DD the impression she was the victim after playing up and kicking your DP….great parenting! I hope you apologied to their DP.

I have a 13 year old, we have parental controls set up on her phone and laptop so she can't use them after 9pm without asking for extra time (which we give on weekends). She also has AirPods.

If she had behaved like this the phone would have stayed confiscated for at least a day!

Meant kindly but you should look into parenting techniques and classes so you and DP can get on the same page with your parenting style.

If you do nothing now the situation will escalate and she'll become a complete nightmare.

Agreed at least some sort of room divider is needed to give the DC their own space

Tents aren't cheap

Another here who really thinks your DD needs her own room. That’s regardless of what happened last night. I think you need to have your bed in the livingroom or a sofa bed and give DD your room. You need to look at sorting this out and moving over the next few years. It’s really not fair on a teenager to share a room with which an age difference.

Why don't you have the living room and your kids get a room each

Could you use the living room as your bedroom and the kids each have a room? Or the kids have your room, which you put stud wall in to separate, or living room, ditto, you and DP have bedroom and second bedroom used as sitting room? All you need in it is a sofa and telly...

Irrelevant of what happened last night your DD needs her own space.
If moving isn’t an option why can’t you divide their bedroom or swap the kids into the biggest room?

Not everyone can afford a three bedroom house ?
You have no idea of her circumstances?

Selling a house and finding a new rental are such easy cheap options.

No but they would have had a sore bum

@SaveTheWeek try and separate the behaviour from your love for your daughter.
i know some of what people are saying about your dd can be hurtful as they don’t know her. As parents we easily forgive because of our love for our children and that’s ok. Maybe speak to her today at a good time one to one and explain her behavior and the impact it has on the whole family? And now next time everyone can work on reacting differently.
The living situation is what it is and I don’t really support what people are saying as you are trying your best and it works most of the time! There are always work around so don’t let this get you down! x

This is such an offensive comment. You have no idea what you're talking about, and I'm keeping it polite.

This. She's ruling the roost and you're encouraging it. She should not have a phone in bed with her and you should back your DP, not make him apologise to her

You're going to have massive problems in the future if you don't rein this behaviour in and present a united front with your DP

You ask an adult to apologise to a child when he’s done nothing wrong and, I assume, your daughter has? No wonder she’s escalating to physically assaulting him when he’s making completely reasonable requests of her, neither she nor you have any respect for him. Poor man.

More likely, a couple of generations ago, big sister would have got out of sharing her brother's bedroom and shared her boyfriend's instead the day of her 16th birthday.
The question is whether OP minds creating that situation? Make it shit enough and children will use risky ways to escape.

Thats not them clashing, thats her being a Brat and you enabling it.
Her behaviour won't improve if you carry on parenting like you are now

You're the parent. This isn't a negotiation. Your daughter is going to get worse if you don't rein her tf in, a lot. Stop making him apologise for stuff he hasn't done. You're complaining he's acting like a teen but you're treating him like one.

Sharing a room isnt going to work for much longer. If you can't partition it then you'll have to give your son your room and get a sofa bed for downstairs.

For the minute if she's acting stupid, send the bairn in your bed and you go in and share with her. I'd have come down on her like a ton of bricks for the stamping up and down the stairs alone.

I think you are vastly overestimating the threshold where things become a concern for social services. I doubt this would be a concern even if the whole family were using one bedroom, if all of their educational, emotional and physical needs were being met. Being poorer than average (not in extreme poverty) is not a child welfare concern.

Your 13 year old told her dad to Fuck off you don't seem very shocked at this, is it normal behaviour for her?

I'm sorry but if my DD used that language, I don't care how late it was or who was sleeping she'd have both barrels there and then. She needs to realise her behaviour is not acceptable, leaving it til the morning won't work.

Your daughter has behaved like a complete brat and you have undermined your dp, making a fool of him and encouraging your dd to misbehave.
Parents shouldn't apologise for rightfully disciplining appalling behaviour, apologies are for genuine errors in judgement or mistakes only, not to pacify a child acting up!
The bedroom issue is a separate concern but will probably be feeding into your daughter's behaviour issue, no 13 year old girl would be comfortable sharing with an 8 year old boy. Personally I would give the kids a room each and sleep on a decent sofa bed in the lounge, you could still store your clothes in the kids rooms, literally just use the lounge for sleeping.

This.

Also why can't you and DP have a sofa bed in the living room, and each child have a bedroom? It's really not fair on either of them to be sharing at their ages.

I have read all the OPs posts and it's clear that she can't see that her daughter has been allowed to gain too much 'power' in the household. The DP being made to apologise for being a parent is ridiculous. OP needs to present a united front with DP. The bedroom situation is not ideal but clearly can't be resolved overnight. The unacceptable behaviours can be tackled by being consistent and not being a walkover.