Dd and Dp clashing and making ds upset

[SaveTheWeek]

Tonight our dd, who is 13 was messing around acting silly. It was time for bed but she wouldn't calm down and as she shares a room with ds, who is 8, we asked if she could be quiet and not wake him. She decided she would stomp up the stairs and be very loud. Giggling and singing. Both me and dp asked her to please be quiet. She didn't listen.
I heard ds get up not long after and he came to tell me dd was listening to music on her phone and he couldn't sleep. Dp went to tell dd to turn the phone off and she kicked him. I'm not sure if it was on purpose or not. Dp then says she's not allowed her phone. Everything calmed down and ds went back to bed.
I asked dp to apologize to dd but when he did dd wasn't happy and told him to F off. This woke up ds again. I sat comforting ds as they both argued at each other.
I asked them both to leave it but they were both ignoring me. Ds was getting upset.

Eventually, they both stopped arguing but I'm left feeling annoyed. I'm annoyed ds was disturbed so much. I'm annoyed at dd for her behavior and I'm annoyed at dp for basically acting like a second teenager.

Me and ds are just stuck in the middle all the time and I don't know what to do to make things better for us all.

Wow. It is that easy. Been there done that 19x

Well done you. You do realise people don't have the same situation you have don't you?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume money might be the factor in stopping the OP just moving house. You make it sound like picking up a chippy for tea

It’s not that hard to do. You get used to it.

It's not an option at the moment. I know it's shocking to some of you, but this is how some people have to live.

Ds had to deal with two people in his room shouting at each other whilst he tried to get back to sleep.

Because YOU sent your DP into the room to apologise for no reason and that’s what made it all kick off again. There was no reason you couldn't have all waited till morning to have a proper conversation.

From your OP:

Everything calmed down and ds went back to bed. I asked dp to apologize to dd but when he did dd wasn't happy and told him to F off. This woke up ds again. I sat comforting ds as they both argued at each other.

Your DP had nothing to apologise for, there was absolutely no reason for him to go back into the room (which is what started round 2) and you need to take ownership of your part in the situation instead of just blaming your DD and DP.

Also, deliberately undermining your DP and pandering to your 13 year old will definitely be contributing to her behaviour.

Well, then you can’t punish your DC for the inevitable friction and sleepless nights caused by it.

You know everyone's personal situation do you? To make that judgement?

I wish I never asked dp to go and apologize. It did just start round 2 so yeah, that was my fault.
Like I said, I just thought seeing as dd had apologized, dp should too ( for shouting) and then everyone could get to sleep.

If she really kicked him then I'd start doing some serious parenting. It's not normal and your potentially raising a twat.

Also imagine asking your dp to apologise for nothing 🤣🤣 wow

I know the answer to this, if I drank the kool aid then I’d realise that you know everyone’s personal situation and your judgement is infallible. Why even have a thread asking for different opinions? Just consult the kool aid.

Im choosing to ignore all the names you're using to describe my dd on here. Only because I have only talked about all the bad things she has done. So you can't possibly know what she's like generally.
Just remember though, it's a child you're talking about.

Get used to what? If they have no money for a bigger place, they have no money for a bigger place.

OP I was in the same situation for years. Things you can try... put a divider screen up between them. Letting DD stay up later which you do, and lay in your bed with her phone if she wants a bit of alone time. No phones in their bedroom rule. Once in bed, books only with a low light booklight. You need to be stricter on the no noise in the room after 8pm.

It’s not like all places with 1 extra bedroom will be more expensive than their current home. All you need to do is look at a different, slightly cheaper area. Often, simply moving a few miles does the trick.

I agree with all the posters saying she needs her own room. She's just started puberty and her hormones are all over the place. She needs somewhere to call her own. She cant even have friends round in case they find out she shares with her 8 year old brother.

Give her a break. And then start working out how you can get your DC into seperate rooms, before your DS starts acting up too.

(And in advoidence of doubt I had to move when my 3 kids moved into my 2 bed terrace house 6 years ago. DS 15 & 11, DD 13. Rented for 1 year before I put my house up for rent as it wasnt selling - paying both rent & mortgage during that time. You just have to make things work for your kids).

Another one who’s not a fan of your 13 year old DD not having her own room. I’d be acting up too if both my parents had 8 years since the birth of my sibling to sort out a room for me, and hadn’t managed to sort it and it still didn’t seem like a priority for them. She should be able to listen to music in her bedroom at night and not have to worry about disturbing a sibling.

Sensible discussion. At least people can see now to just ignore you

DP apologising completely undermines any discipline
why didn’t you step in or take over

Ypur dp should not have apologised.... why on earth do you make him do that it undos all the discipline. You shouldbe showing a consistent approach

Your DD has zero respect for either of you. You really need to get to grips with this and certainly need to present a united front. Your DD has very obviously set you against each other. I think that you need to apologise to him and start again. Yes, they do need a room each.

Simply moving a few miles to a place with no transport links meaning schools, clubs etc all have to move.

Not everywhere has good transport, especially outside of major cities.

Moving a few miles here would isolate you.

As for the OP, your latest post sums up your whole attitude. Defend your DD to the hilt, no matter what she has done.

„Just remember though, it's a child you're talking about”

13 year old child who told her father to fuck off and you told him to apologise.

Seriously OP. Nip it in the bud or this child is going to make the whole household a very miserable place soon if you keep placating her all the time and pander to her.

Or wait until she tells you to fuck off- your DP might not want to get involved then seeing as he’s overruled in parenting by you.

Going to go against the grain here...your DD is 13, a child. She was acting silly you say, so basically being the child she is. You didn't say she was aggressive or rude prior to bed, just messing about. So, potentially happy. She went to bed, probably quite jovial and chose to listen to music, which woke your ds. The problem here is your expectations for your dd to regulate her mood, ie, calm down, before bed, were too high. She needed some down time before being expected to consider your ds's needs. A few extra calm minutes downstairs or a pair of headphones to listen to music would have meant none of this happened.
I think moving forward, as your dd doesn't have her own space, and that's not possible, you need to help her regulate prior to bed. She can't be expected to consider your ds all the time. It's unfair, when she is just a child too. Give her time to calm and offer productive solutions rather than get angry with her for things that really aren't her fault. Yes, she could be more considerate, but unless this is a daily occurrence, it's just something that needs to be monitored and dealt with appropriately on a day to day basis.

Another one who agrees she needs her own space. Perhaps a room divide. I remember myself as a teenage girl and I would have absolutely hated sharing a room. I fear it will only get worse and I really can’t see a massive problem in her behaviour. She wants to slob about in her room, listen to music and rebel a little, it’s her age. My god my room at that age was covered in posters and crap everywhere with my friends over listening to boy bands etc. I know it’s not helpful but I think it could be an issue.

Everything else I've read is useful (your dd's acting bratty, your partner shouldn't appear to be blamed...) but the room is the sticking point.

If you can't magic a room, you need to show both your dc that you understand you're asking a lot from them and to give them something to live through this better.

Without involving magic or magic money, that could mean:

• swap bedrooms with your DC if you're still in the bigger one.
• talk with them about partitioning the room. Or rearranging furniture and adding curtains to create private spaces.
• involve them in plans to extend the house or the loft.
• discuss it with them to give them a change to look forward to.

I don't want to press a sore point. Rooms and money for them can't be magicked. But your dd is acting up, because she's suffering from the situation. She's 13; is she going to share with her brother when she's 14? 16?