Dd and Dp clashing and making ds upset

[SaveTheWeek]

Tonight our dd, who is 13 was messing around acting silly. It was time for bed but she wouldn't calm down and as she shares a room with ds, who is 8, we asked if she could be quiet and not wake him. She decided she would stomp up the stairs and be very loud. Giggling and singing. Both me and dp asked her to please be quiet. She didn't listen.
I heard ds get up not long after and he came to tell me dd was listening to music on her phone and he couldn't sleep. Dp went to tell dd to turn the phone off and she kicked him. I'm not sure if it was on purpose or not. Dp then says she's not allowed her phone. Everything calmed down and ds went back to bed.
I asked dp to apologize to dd but when he did dd wasn't happy and told him to F off. This woke up ds again. I sat comforting ds as they both argued at each other.
I asked them both to leave it but they were both ignoring me. Ds was getting upset.

Eventually, they both stopped arguing but I'm left feeling annoyed. I'm annoyed ds was disturbed so much. I'm annoyed at dd for her behavior and I'm annoyed at dp for basically acting like a second teenager.

Me and ds are just stuck in the middle all the time and I don't know what to do to make things better for us all.

Why does she have her phone at night?

Dd is growing up and needs her space to listen to music etc and if she had her own room this would not be a problem.
you will create a lot of resentment if you continue with this situation.
it’s not her fault they share a room and you are asking someone who is learning to grow up to adhere to the same rules as 8 year old.
Do you have another room you could convert or do a better job of the divide in the room as it is?

Why does dp have to say anything that's put him right back on the lowest authority peg and your not helping. DD needs a consequence and firm talking to why has she a phone I'm her room? Why is she disrespectful to both of you her attitude stinks

She wasn't meant to have her phone with her when she went up to bed. Also, even if she had her own room she would be expected to use headphones for music after a certain time. Nothing to do with me giving her the same rules as an 8 year old, more respecting the whole household. Who wants to hear loud music when you're settling down?

For the poster who mentioned friends knowing she shares a room, so what? Half of them do anyway. When she has sleepovers she has the bedroom / living room.

You’ve had eight years to sort that out

Dd did start the whole thing off. Both me and dp told her she needed to calm down. She didn't listen to either of us.
What are the consequences for her not listening and causing all of this? She deliberately ignored you both. She deliberately created noise to wake her brother up. So what have you done?

She is more likely to listen to me.
Like hell she does. She's just managed to convince you of this but I bet my last penny you "compromise" by giving in.

You, and I mean you singular, are raising a spoilt brat. Right now you have a choice. Either actively parent your child or raise someone who will become a horrible adult who nobody likes, with a son who feels unworthy because his basic needs aren't being met, and a partner who probably leaves because he is continually being undermined. Step up, and grow some parenting balls. You've caused this.

Why did you fuel the upset anyway? Everything had calmed down you sparked it by sending him back in.

You need to find a solution for your dd to have her own bedroom. She's 13, presumably going through puberty and is sharing a room with an 8 year old boy. It's not appropriate and could be investigated by SS if one of them mentions it at school.

I'm not trying to be horrible here but it's something that you need to take seriously. Maybe your daughter's behaviour would also be better if she had her own private space?

I'm all for apologising if you lose your temper. For me that works both ways. But my dd would have lost her phone for the stamping upstairs never mind the music. It doesn't sound like he did anything wrong. You can't be afraid to discipline your child

She's more likely to listen to you as you've absolutely eliminated any need for her to respect her father..

Do you not like him? Is there some back story here?

My first thought too.

What 13 year old girl wants to share a bedroom with her brother (if I've got this right).
She needs her own space, she's a teenager.

Rubbish. Social services are well aware there's a housing AND cost of living crisis so many people re living iness than ideal circumstances. Last thing thr OP needs is inaccurate and scare mongery information thrown at her.

Besides thing back a generation or 2, when multiple children lived in tiny 2 up, 2 downs and strangely enough, didn't tell their parents to fuck off when they were 13 🙄

I asked dp to apologize to dd

The wrong thing to do imo, he had nothing to apologise for.

OP do you have a dining room (as in a separate room with a door)? If so I suggest you convert it into a bedroom either for you or your daughter. That will solve part of the issue. At 13 your daughter will test your boundaries a lot so you need to show a united front with your partner. If you insist that he apologises for shouting (makes you sound controlling not placating) then let it wait until the morning as it's less likely to re-inflame the situation.

Jesus she’s just a teenage girl who’s learning about her identity and her autonomy. Just give a consequence agreed by all. I find with my own daughter if I sit her down when she is calm and have an open honest discussion and she is part of the rule making and the consequences she feels included. So sit down together, explain the other day and figure out the basic rules and the consequences. So don’t use headphones and this will happen. It’s awful being a child and having so little control over things, the control comes out in other unhealthy ways. Give her some control over the rule making. That’s just something that works in my household but my daughter has ADHD so she needs to have some control.

I do agree they need to look at solutions such as room dividers etc to give DD more privacy, but I promise this would not be investigated by SS. In a lot of areas it is unfortunately the norm that a proportion of families are overcrowded and what can SS do?

As a teacher I'd be concerned about her potentially not having a quiet space to study and appreciate the situation is difficult for her, but it wouldn't constitute a safeguarding concern unless there was more to it than sharing a room. Unfortunately due to the area I teach in, quite a few of our families are in overcrowded and unsuitable accommodation.

That said I do think OP should look at possible solutions, such as room dividers, potentially her and her partner sleeping in the living room etc. With only two children it should be possible to make something work.

I have to admit I have not read all this thread but I note some others are saying the same thing.

Your daughter sounds brattish, selfish & angry.
I also think it’s about time she had her own room.

Aside from anything else going on in your household, can’t you see that she needs space?

She's not more likely to listen to you. You're more likely to compromise and appease her and take the easy way out.

There's a difference.

Neither parenting technique works at the moment and you both need to reassess and find a new way to deal with her for everyone's sake.

Btw, your kid being pissed off at you won't kill them or make the world end. It'll happen regardless, so running around apologising for no reason and jumping through hoops won't stop that.

Or you. ;)

My point stands. Being defensive doesn’t change that.

Holy Mary, mother of God!

I really hope your daughter's behaviour is contained within your home.

Imagine having to apologise to a child for protecting her and instilling some boundaries as her parent, and then being told to fuck off as the cherry on top ☹️.

You should apologise to your partner for this foolishness. I wonder why he didn't tell you to catch a grip when you told him to apologise.

I'm 44 and I shudder to think what my dad's reaction would be if I told him to fuck off even now.

Hundreds of families are moving every week, most of whom will be renters and less financially able to move than any homeowner.

It comes down to what is more important? Your kids needs or the convenience of staying in a place you know?

You do know that the OP is living in a situation that social housing classifies as overcrowding? If she were on benefits, she would be entitled to a housing element that corresponded to a 3 bedroom place because opposite sex DC are not supposed to share the same bedroom after the eldest is age 10.

She’s putting her kids in a worse living situation than families on the breadline are expected to live in.

I’m sure they did tell their parents to fuck off! Past generations were no angels.

Completely and utterly tone deaf, you know what with with CoL crisis and all.